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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've done the right thing haven't I ?

87 replies

QuestioningmyMummySkills · 16/10/2016 20:03

Heeellllllppp !

Currently mid tantrum from DS age 6. It is epic .

I'm talking screaming and shouting and lashing out epic .
This is how it unfolded:

Showered DS and got him in to his PJs - all fine .

DS starts colouring in his pictures.

I ask him to put them away and choose a story . He ignores me and carries on colouring in .

So I tell him he has to the count of 3 to choose a story or I will pick one for us to read .

He ignored me and carried on colouring.

For background - DS is constantly ignoring me at the minute . Every request is met by "one moment" followed by more "one moments".

It's driving me bonkers .

So I picked the story and started reading - telling him I was starting without him and if he misses it because he's ignoring me then it's his own fault.

He goes to the book shelf and picks a story .

I said no , too late and said we are having the story I picked .

He kicked off massively ! In the midst of it he kicked me hard (I think he was aiming for the book but he hit my arm and it hurt !).

So I said no story and walked out .

He's screaming in his room .

The neighbours will hate me !

I'm doubting myself !

He's shouting that his brother had a story (he did - he picked one when I asked him to!) .

Should I give in?

The neighbours will hate me !

OP posts:

Nursenat100 · 17/10/2016 05:24

Thankyou, Lynn, exactly my point. I'm not sure at what stage telling children that toys will be removed for awful behaviour became a mean threat. Giving him a consequence that he didn't care about is hardly an effective strategy. And he's not my partner, he's my child.

And to the poster that called a 6 year old child a vile brat due to having a tantrum, I presume you have no children. Well done OP. Your actions showed your son that you love him in all circumstances and will always be there for him, but at the same time will not tolerate bad behaviour

Chottie · 17/10/2016 05:46

OP - I'm just wondering why your DS couldn't continue colouring? Could you have said, bedtime is at X o'clock and if you want to colour a bit longer, it will mean we will have a shorter story tonight.

Isn't colouring relaxing and unwinding before he goes to bed?

HeCantBeSerious · 17/10/2016 07:45

You implied they would be removed permanently - i.e. you lied. It wasn't a natural consequence of his behaviour and I think it was unnecessary and cruel to do that.

My children get the same respect that my husband does: I (try to) remain calm, give clear reasons why something needs to happen, don't threaten and negotiate a compromise when I can. No need for violence or cruel threats.

Nursenat100 · 17/10/2016 08:06

Your response is very offensive...quote where was there any mention of violence to my child?! I too always remain calm and negotiate when possible. However during a screaming fit when being extremely disobedient isn't the time. I'll return the toys when I decide it appropriate. I'm the patent, it's part of my job to teach consequences and boundaries.?im absolutely flabbergasted that I've been called cruel mean, nasty and violent for removing toys from a child having a major tantrum after being given lots of warnings. The world has gone mad

HeCantBeSerious · 17/10/2016 08:12

I didn't mean you'd been violent , but lots of people justify smacking in the same way you have: I'm the parent, they were disobedient etc.

I'm saying there were potentially other - gentler, kinder - ways to handle the situation.

HeCantBeSerious · 17/10/2016 08:16

OP, 6 is epically difficult for children. It's when the centre of their universe switches from you to themselves. It's scary and upsetting at times during the transition. There's a lot of pushing away and pulling back (I want independence but I also want you close sort of thing). There are big emotions and daily stresses such as school and playground politics. It's hard going. A bit of kindness and understanding of that makes a big difference.

bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 12:41

I agree that throwing toys in the bin is pretty cruel. Confiscating them for a set period I can understand.

bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 12:44

Also I don't think that the op's child is a 'vile brat' for not stopping what he was doing immediately and then being upset I think the op was right to go and comfort him and maintain that there was no longer time for a story. We can look at how the situation might have been avoided in hindsight but when you're making decisions in the moment you can only do your best. It's much easier to look back and see what you might have done differently.

YNK · 17/10/2016 12:51

6yo child - vile brat?
My, you're nice!

......... and you want to offer parenting advice??

BabyGanoush · 17/10/2016 13:03

I am not on board with the "do as I say, and do it now!" Approach to this, then taking away toys as punishment...It would end up making me feel stressed!

Just to offer another viewpoint: If he has a great time colouring in, I would tell him it is time to finish up soon, and set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes. I always gave my kids advance warnings, which really took the sting out of things.

With tantrums, I'd let them cry it out, and then go in and talk about it once they are calm (listen to why they are frustrated), say I understand it is frustrating, that strong feelings are ok, but that screaming the place down is not ok.

Then I'd read the story he chose.

The way OP deals with it is quite rigid, imo, and actually did not help the situation.

Saying that, all parents have their own approach, and I know I am "soft", but I found that fighting fire (tantrums) with fire (punishments) did not work for us.

HuskyLover1 · 17/10/2016 13:07

He is 6, not a toddler.

Tantrums and kicking you - unbelievable!

And now he's getting a cuddle.

Good luck when he hits the teenage years. You really need to toughen up. It's your job to teach him boundaries. You are in charge, not a 6 year old.

And yes, I have raised 2 kids up to be great adults, never ever would they have dared to kick me, that's preposterous.

Almost every time I go shopping, I see kids having tantrums. And their parents doing nothing. No tellings off.

I sound a bit old school - I'm only in my 40's, but I just don't get all this mollycoddling of badly behaved children.

bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 13:23

The child was obviously upset at missing out on his story - that was the consequence of the bad behaviour so why should the op deny him cuddles as well? Cuddles aren't something my kids will ever have to earn and there is no behaviour that would mean I would let them cry themselves to sleep and not have a goodnight cuddle. They are very well behaved kids as well so clearly me cuddling them hasn't done too much harm

a7mints · 17/10/2016 16:18

He is 6, not a toddler.
Tantrums and kicking you - unbelievable!
And now he's getting a cuddle. confused

this.You are sending out mixed messages, and that, no doubt, is how the OP has a 6 year old who behaves like a 2 year old!
I have 2 children who have reached adulthood and 2 at secondary school and I work with children.I can tell you that is not normal age-typical behaviour for a 6 year old to kick a parent.

Couchpotato3 · 17/10/2016 16:28

a7 mints - that's rather harsh. OP said he was aiming for the book and hit her instead, so it's more of an accident than deliberately kicking her, and kids do make errors of judgement. I don't think OP mollycoddled her child here - she set a boundary and stuck to it. Of course he got a cuddle later when the tantrum was over. I don't think there were any mixed messages.
Hope all is well today OP!

bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 16:44

How long would you suggest withholding affection from a child for after they've misbehaved a1? If you read anything about attachment you will find that that kind of neglect is likely to cause behavioural issues. The child received a consequence. Refusing to give him a goodnight cuddle an hour or so later would just have been cruel.

a7mints · 17/10/2016 18:29

How long would you suggest withholding affection from a child for after they've misbehaved a1?

The OP said
'He asked for a cuddle.
I gave him one and he seemed to calm .

so she cuddled whilst he was still tantrumming!

bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 18:54

Tantrumming or upset. Depends how you want to view it. I would personally never say 'no' when my distressed child wanted a cuddle. She still held firm with the consequence of no story. Why should she say 'no' when he asked for a cuddle as well? That would.just be bizarre and cold.

Lynnm63 · 17/10/2016 20:27

I'd always cuddle if asked for one and my three teens still like a hug even though ds1 is now taller than me. I always stressed I hated the behaviour but still loved them to the moon and back at all times.

bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 20:32

Affection is a basic need for kids not a treat to be taken away. I'd no more refuse a hug because of bad behaviour than I'd refuse to feed my kids because they weren't behaving. I'm shocked anyone thinks otherwise tbh.

Starlight2345 · 17/10/2016 21:23

I had my DS tantruming for about an hour..I picked him up and cuddled him..He had been screaming, throwing things shouting...He looked up and said..Are you cuddling me...I said yes..He calmed ...He needed a cuddle sometimes that is what he needs. Was that a reward for his tantrum ? no it was he needed help calming down..

a7mints · 19/10/2016 10:41

...and that is why you have a 9 yo that behaves like a 2 yo!

runlulurun · 19/10/2016 11:27

What rubbish! One of the reasons children tantrum is because they are frustrated and overwhelmed. When my DS tantrums, (which is rare, but does happen) it's because he just cannot deal with whatever he is feeling. Hence so many tantrums are at bedtime when they are tired.

For my DS I stand my ground on whatever the tantrum was over but once he's had a shout I offer him a cuddle and he'll stop and be compliant pretty much straight away. That's not 'rewarding' tantrums, it's helping your child manage their emotions and part of the job.

a7mints · 19/10/2016 11:59

Yeah when they are tiny! But a child of six 'being overwhelmed' by something as trivial as having the wrong story does not wash!

bumsexatthebingo · 19/10/2016 12:15

A child of 6 is still a very young child who is developing their emotional regulation. Just because your kids were too terrified of being withdrawn from to express emotion that doesn't make it normal. If your kids don't have issues with anxiety as adults they are very fortunate. Not that it would affect you as they'd likely be too afraid of being told to act their age to tell you.

a7mints · 19/10/2016 12:26

How ridiculous!
It is not about teaching children to bottle up emotion, but to express it in an appropriate way. It is such a shame that some MNers expect so little from their children :-(

The truth is that people do not like children who are still having temper tantrums, kicking and screaming over nothing at six years old.Why would anybody want to make their children disagreeable to be around?

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