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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ended this friendship?

52 replies

JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 13:45

I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

I moved to a new department around 3 months ago and became friends with someone there. (He's gay so no romantic involvement if that's relevant)

He came out and told me a week ago that back when we became friends that a woman in our department (moved from the same department as myself) had messaged him and told him to stay away from me and then listed all these things I had done (in an email at work)

Really disgusting things that were complete lies.

Now he expects me to do nothing about what's been said and to just forget it.

I spoke to my manager to get advice and I said I didn't want her confronted because then it would make things awkward for my friend.

He then rings me up and demands I don't take it further because he doesn't want his emails looked into.

This has put me back on my anti depressants and i just can't see them in the same way. Aibu?

OP posts:
PamBagnallsGotACollage · 16/10/2016 13:48

Have you seen the email?

pictish · 16/10/2016 13:50

He's lying and I'd bet my last tenner on it.

AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 13:50

But they wouldn't need to look at all his emails, just the one concerned.

He would just need to forward it on or print it out.

Beside which always assume that IT are monitoring your email, because they often are.

Something fishy here.

AbBanana · 16/10/2016 13:52

I'd take it further. I have no idea why he would be protecting this person and why he didn't go to the manager when he received it (unless he believed it?) but I would be suspect there is an actual email.

Does the other women you know from the old dept sound like the type who would send an email like that to a new departmental colleague?

Or is he lying and there is no email?

I couldn't and wouldn't trust him.

Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 13:53

It does exist. Without going into detail as its personal. He said something that I knew he wouldn't have known otherwise.

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 13:54

In which case it should be investigated. He doesn't get to decide.

It all sounds very high school.

Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 13:57

It all sounds very high school.

Yes it does.

I just went to come into work, do my job and get along with my colleagues.

It's brought me down so much.

OP posts:
Damselindestress · 16/10/2016 14:02

You've posted about his behaviour before haven't you? He sounds toxic and there must be more to this than he is telling you. He's certainly put you into a very difficult position by telling you about it and not expecting you to take it further. If the email exists then maybe it wasn't out of the blue and he instigated it by saying things about you first and he doesn't want that to come out. Ignore him and handle everything in a professional way through HR.

AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 14:03

I'm not surprised Juniper.

I'd insist that it be investigated and cut through the bullshit.

Flowers
MapMyMum · 16/10/2016 14:04

Id say that as youve already asked your manager for advice it has now been taken out of your hands

myownprivateidaho · 16/10/2016 14:06

I remember you posting about this guy before. He is almost certainly lying. Definitely report and get it sorted out.

myownprivateidaho · 16/10/2016 14:07

He could easily turn and spread lies about you, I think you need to address it through management.

AuntMabel · 16/10/2016 14:15

YANBU. If he didn't want you to take it further then he shouldn't have told you. His gossping; his fault.

Never ceases to amaze me the things people share on work email, no point deleting it either because it'll very likely be backed up on a server somewhere. If he is doing something via work email he shouldn't be then it will be found out, very foolish.

EweAreHere · 16/10/2016 14:16

It might well be him looking to stir the pot. Or it could be someone else, as he's said.

I'd say it's out of your hands as well and that no emails at work should be considered 'safe' from management's eyes.

He's not your friend, regardless of the outcome. A friend wouldn't have told you all that in the first place, and then said not to say anything?!? No. Watch your back.

Kennington · 16/10/2016 14:19

I would escalate this. IT don't need any permission to go through work emails as they are supposed to be work related.
A similar thing happened at work and the managers went through the emails and got the incriminating one. The person was disciplined and resigned shortly after.
Why people do this on work email account never fails to surprise me as they are neither personal nor private.

hutchblue · 16/10/2016 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

ZuleikaDobson · 16/10/2016 14:25

He's stirring. He can't expect to start something like this and expect you to do nothing about it. If he's using his work email inappropriately, that's entirely his problem. As PP say, you have to assume that your work emails will be accessed by other people anyway - it will be written into terms of employment, and people may have to go into them if you are off sick or on holiday. Ignore him and ensure this is dealt with properly.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2016 14:46

He said something that I knew he wouldn't have known otherwise.

This is no guarantee that he's not lying. The best way to build a believable lie is to build it around a kernel of truth. Plus the best way for the liar to stay out of trouble is to say the lie came from 'someone else' then swear you to secrecy. They've sowed their poison seed, made themselves look as if they have your best interests at heart, AND protected themselves from discipline or reprisal.

And remember that information we think of as being as secret as the nuclear codes can still ooze out, especially in the workplace. I was told a terrible secret about a co-worker. The gossip who told me found it out accidentally from a person who knew the unfortunate coworker in her private life and didn't realize that the gossiper worked with her.

Becca19962014 · 16/10/2016 15:09

The only way you'll get peace of mind is for it to be investigated. It won't happen otherwise as you'll always be mentally questioning and worrying about what they're saying.

It sounds like he has misused his email account at the very least. How it's been misused could be a firing offence.

You'd be amazed how many people misuse work email accounts, sometimes it's serious matters, sometimes not but workplaces are beginning to wise up to staff using work email for things like banking/chatting/booking holidays (minor things). I had a request to investigate an email account once and found emails about stealing from work! Shock along with the suspected misuse.

TaterTots · 16/10/2016 15:55

Why did you speak to your manager unless you were prepared for it to go further? You can't really say 'A colleague is spreading false stories about me, but please don't confront her or look at the proof'.

user1471494124 · 16/10/2016 16:00

Definitely sounds to me that there is more to it and he is not as innocent as he would like to appear. I would escalate it and remove yourself from this friendship. You can do without this kind of childish behaviour.

Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 16:06

Why did you speak to your manager unless you were prepared for it to go further? You can't really say 'A colleague is spreading false stories about me, but please don't confront her or look at the proof'.

Why not?

I asked her advice and the options that were available.

I don't see how that's wrong

OP posts:
TaterTots · 16/10/2016 16:20

Because you have now put your manager in a very awkward position. She has a responsibility to her whole team, not just you. If others in your team came forward and said this woman had been bullying them, and it came out that she knew she had form, her manager or HR could very legitimately say she'd been negligent. Or what if the woman your mate said was spreading rumours hears about this and makes a counter-complaint? She'd have a good case to say 'If I was bullying her, why wasn't any of this investigated?'

Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 16:27

I'm unsure of what you're trying to do here.

I don't think you need to worry about my manager or tell her how to do her job.

OP posts:
TaterTots · 16/10/2016 16:29

What are you throwing a strop for?

Maybe this is the problem.