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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have ended this friendship?

52 replies

JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 13:45

I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

I moved to a new department around 3 months ago and became friends with someone there. (He's gay so no romantic involvement if that's relevant)

He came out and told me a week ago that back when we became friends that a woman in our department (moved from the same department as myself) had messaged him and told him to stay away from me and then listed all these things I had done (in an email at work)

Really disgusting things that were complete lies.

Now he expects me to do nothing about what's been said and to just forget it.

I spoke to my manager to get advice and I said I didn't want her confronted because then it would make things awkward for my friend.

He then rings me up and demands I don't take it further because he doesn't want his emails looked into.

This has put me back on my anti depressants and i just can't see them in the same way. Aibu?

OP posts:
CreepyClown · 16/10/2016 16:36

Ended the friendship with who? the man or woman?
What exactly do you want to happen if this is true?
I don't believe it is personally

DixieWishbone · 16/10/2016 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Piscivorus · 16/10/2016 16:45

Dixie has just said everything I was struggling to put into words.

Absolutely that.

Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 16:47

What are you throwing a strop for?

I'm not throwing a strop. I simply said you don't need to worry about my manager. She's very capable.

That wasn't even the point of the aibu.

But seems like you're looking for an argument and I'm not going to bite unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 16:49

... Yes I do agree with you Dixie. I have found it a struggle to go into work without constantly feeling on edge.

OP posts:
MrsHam13 · 16/10/2016 16:53

As a manager I would absolutely of had to of investigated that but also notified my manager. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing my job properly.

DixieWishbone · 16/10/2016 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbBanana · 16/10/2016 16:59

Your manager doesn't have the option to do nothing. She is not there for venting or a sounding board and end of day, she needs to get HR involved. HR are there to protect the company's interests and make sure the company isn't liable. You have some serious boundary issues between workplace and friendships outside of the workplace going on. Your manager and HR don't care.

CoraPirbright · 16/10/2016 17:04

Can I ask - you said that you and this woman were previously in the same department. Did you have any dealings with her in the past? Did you ever have any inkling that she had a problem with you?

I would ask this go-between-man to print out the email and give it to you. You could tell him that you just wanted to know exactly what was being said so that you are able to cover your arse. However, once you have the proof in your hands, I would report to you bosses/HR etc. If she is spreading malicious crap about you then she needs sorting out and if he is any sort of friend, he should be backing you and not trying to weasel out of the situation.

woowoowoo · 16/10/2016 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 16/10/2016 17:16

What's this woman like? I would consider approaching her about what this bloke has said she's said ! Don't like the sound of him actually.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/10/2016 17:19

So, either your previous colleague is lying about you and spreading untruths via email, or your new colleague is lying about her and to you. Either way, it needs to be investigated and stopped.

The corporate email was used (or not) to defame and spread lies, this is a misuse of the system and I would be very surprised if there was not a company policy on that. Someone is due a disciplinary, either her or him. I suspect him, else why the hissy fit now?

Now it can be proved if this email existed, who wrote it and who sent it. Even if the sender and recipient have deleted it, it will still exist on the email server and your IT department can recover it.

I would go to your manager and ask that this matter be cleared up. You need to not have this hanging over your head, it's getting to you. Get it dealt with by your manager and be free of it. (hug)

Benedikte2 · 16/10/2016 17:21

OP is there any chance the woman was romantically attracted to the male colleague befor he came out? Maybe she saw you as competition and was warning him off? Just an idea as to motive.
I'd tell him it's out of your hands now, sorry but nothing you can do. I expect he has been exchanging sexy messages with friends in work time.
Anyway, as woman sent the offending email surely they would look at the emails she sent first?

TaterTots · 16/10/2016 17:27

woowoowoo - and you 'have form' for making unnecessary digs at me. Others have agreed with my points, but I don't see you having a go at them. Reported.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 16/10/2016 17:36

Evening all
Just a reminder that we ask people to maintain the same level of courtesy on screen as you would in RL
thanks
Let us know if you need us to post a link to the talk guidelines, yes?
Thanks as ever
Peace and love
MNHQ

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 16/10/2016 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CreepyClown · 16/10/2016 18:16

Op who do you want to end a friendship with and are you 100% sure this man is telling the truth?
Me personally if I knew something nasty someone said about someone else I wouldnt even bother them and tell them because it is clear it would hurt you, he just seems like he wants drama.

FlabulousChic · 16/10/2016 18:18

Never trust anyone because where people can they will use it against you. I'm 51 ive yet to meet anyone that is decent, honest and trustworthy

TaterTots · 16/10/2016 18:21

tatertots you sound rather unpleasant. And this is not about you.

Did you just ignore the message from MNHQ?

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 16/10/2016 18:24

Looks like I did tater... And stand by what I said. Grin who's throwing a strop now? Get over yourself .

Original poster
JuniperLee · 16/10/2016 18:25

Sorry if I wasn't clear in my OP. I meant end things with him.

Aside from what should be done about what's happened (and I do sincerely appreciate the advice).

I don't understand why he told me now and expected me to do nothing about it. Then rang me demanding that I don't take this further because it's upsetting him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2016 18:42

Could he be using 'divide and conquer' to end your friendship with the author of the alleged email? Some people just can't 'share' friends.

I'd back away from him.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 16/10/2016 18:47

Upsetting him?! I would seriously be questioning this ' friendship'. You can't drop a bombshell like that in the conversation and expect no repercussions..

AyeAmarok · 16/10/2016 18:58

Have you posted about this guy before?

He sounds like a shit-stirrer, and I'd be cooling the friendship pronto.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 16/10/2016 18:58

EYEBROWS

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