Is Dp lazy or do I expect too much?

[PeppasNanna]

I'm ill. Dp is on leave, (coincidence). 4 dc.
I'm very organised so being out of action for a few days shouldn't be a big deal.

But he managed not to bring ds to his activity on thursday. (Even though we have a weekly calendar, listing what everyone does& on what days). Didn't send the swimming kits into school on Friday. I pack them on a Sunday so nothing to do mid week.

He went & bought food (pizza) we didn't need. The meat is now out of date in the fridge. No breakfast cereal. No milk.

None of the kids dressed or washed today.

House generally turning into a hovel.

He says I'm unreasonable & he's doing his best. Hes pathetic.

AIBU???

I didn't say that arethereanyleftatall.

Absolutely costa

VladmirsPoutine I agree wholeheartedly

OP surely you can see how this has happened?

Yes. I did too much. Expected too little.

Was made to feel grateful he took me on. (Family).

Spent too many years thinking it would get better, if i did more & expected less.

Hes not a bad person but very unmotivated & not interested in the day to day stuff.

Oh for God's sake. He's sat on his arse for two days playing games. He's not doing it differently, he's just not doing it! Even if he's not used to it surely he can see the house is a mess and needs cleaning or tidying.

YANBU OP.

Lazy might be slightly harsh, maybe more not giving things his full attention or throwing himself into stuff as much as you do.

He just doesn't care, as far as he's concerned there are no consequences not sending swimming kits in, feeding them pizza, not taking them to clubs etc. You could be talking about my DH, if he took over running of the house for 2 days nothing would get done without constant reminders.

OP, nobody is "interested" in the day to day stuff, it's just stuff.

Do you do it because you're interested ? No, but because it's there.

You say he took you on as a family. Looks like you took him on. You don't have to pay him back, or whatever it is you feel, by letting him treat you this way. He should be grateful you've put up with his attitude this long. And that's what it is, isn't it?

The upshot is that you do everything at home. The part that kills your love and respect for them, eventually, is the attitude that allows them to watch you do it all.

YANB. He's a lazy arse.

*YANBU rather

he insisted he can't remember stuff

But just at home right? Not at work? And that's because he values one and considers it his business, and not the other.

Many families split because a woman gets too exhausted from carrying the weight of everything alone. And funnily enough, that's usually the cue for these manchildren to start jumping up and down demanding that they get to be equal parents to their kids (for the first time).

Shouting and talking doesn't work ime.

What has worked with DH is

• to ask him he would dare doing that at work. So the 'I can't remember' is met with 'well you can remember stuff at work. Whatever way you use to do so at work, do the same at home'.
• Leave. Find a job and leave him with the dcs to deal with when he is at home. Don't run around for him doing his washing. If he doesn't have anything to wear, though. Don't run around to find food. Ask him how he is going to deal with it. Put the responsibility square on his lap. If you can find a way NOT to be there at all, even better.

You will find that for a bit, the dcs won't be dressed etc. Do NOT say anything at all. Let him get on with it. I can promise you I the dcs WILL tell him, in their own ways. From being grumpy and hard to deal with because they haven't been out. To telling him straight.

• And when you are at home, just STOP doing some of the things. Make it clear that xx is now his resposnibility. Say it once. Do not repeat and let him get on with it. It works better if it's something he needs (eg ironing) than something he doesn't (eg taking the bins out). But the trick is to NEVER step up and 'help'. Because once you've helped once it is expected you will help all the time.

After a while though, it becomes normal and you can help and unction in a normal way where everyone works together and support each other.
Well, if he is a decent man.

Sounds pretty bloody pathetic to me. (I.e. YANBU.)

Good points ScaredFuture99 & Repent