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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Dp lazy or do I expect too much?

89 replies

PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 13:40

I'm ill. Dp is on leave, (coincidence). 4 dc.
I'm very organised so being out of action for a few days shouldn't be a big deal.

But he managed not to bring ds to his activity on thursday. (Even though we have a weekly calendar, listing what everyone does& on what days). Didn't send the swimming kits into school on Friday. I pack them on a Sunday so nothing to do mid week.

He went & bought food (pizza) we didn't need. The meat is now out of date in the fridge. No breakfast cereal. No milk.

None of the kids dressed or washed today.

House generally turning into a hovel.

He says I'm unreasonable & he's doing his best. Hes pathetic.

AIBU???

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 15/10/2016 14:16

You need to read 'Wifework'. Then shove it up his arse

As someone said above, if you let a grown man act like a child around the house 24/7, he won't even think of stepping up when you're ill. The solution is not for him to step up occasionally, it's for him to be as involved with the house and kids as you are. They are 50% his too.

ScaredFuture99 · 15/10/2016 14:20

It looks like he has no idea what is involved in looking after 4 dcs and running a house and has no intention to learn.

You are too organised for your own good because even if you are ill for a day or two, everything carries on as normal.
And you are letting him get away with murder on a day to day basis if he has no idea about food/activities/how to do potty training (esp if it has already being done for 3 dcs previously!)

Verbena37 · 15/10/2016 14:21

OP, perhaps rather than relying on him to check what meat is almost out of date, take in swim kits etc, I think he might do better if you verbally told him. Some people I guess won't remember to check the list/calendar so if you speak to him and mention what he needs to do in chunks of info, rather than a massive list, he might be better able to cope.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 14:22

bakingaddict he used to work away until about 2 years ago.

So when he was home it was always really busy. House was a building site & he concentrated on the house. I concentrated on the dc.

Hes job now involves rotating 7 day shifts so we can go a week without eating together as a family or seeing each other.
This has been a massive wake up call.

The point about the food is thst he would moan his head off if it was the other was round.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 14:24

I tried telling him stuff, thats where the weekly calendar calender came in as he insisted he can't remember stuff...

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 15/10/2016 14:27

Yanbu, he sounds a bit pathetic.
I expect he remembers the things that are important to him , you know, put petrol in thee car, the match starts at 7pm, meeting with his boss, important man things. But, running the domestic show for a few days...

ScaredFuture99 · 15/10/2016 14:28

Yep, he sounds pathetic and I doubt he would be able to get away with such behaviour, incl 'I can't remeber' if it was about work.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 14:30

It makes me realise how little notice he takes if what i do.

It feels like he leaves no value on my contribution to the house. I have income as well so hes not the sole earner.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 14:30

Of not if.

OP posts:
Peach9876 · 15/10/2016 14:32

I think he just isn't aware. I find this a lot with my DP and we don't have any kids.
It's like he's not aware that actions have consequences.
Eg wet floor after shower will make your soak wet when you go to the loo later.
leaving unrinsed dishes are harder to clean later
washing powder accidently spilt on the floor with end up trailed everywhere if you don't sweep it up

I could go on forever.

Some people (not just men) don't see it. They think it will magically go away, heck the bathroom floor does dry eventually and I often get fed up of the sight of dishes and powder everywhere so they go too...

I'd advise more reminders or at least send him to the calendar in the morning to see what you had planned for the day especially regarding the kids activities. Pizza for tea and meat in the bin is an annoyance, but let it go. At least the kids were fed and DP might not of felt like cooking or forgot it was there. This is the case with mine all the time!

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 14:36

Mine too but i still do it!

Thats a valid point. I hate this shit. House work, cooking, activities but I do it because that's what I do. Its what parents do, but he just chooses not to.

He leaves it to me as he knows i will do it.

He would live in a shit hole if it were left to him

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 15/10/2016 14:37

I think that if you want him to take charge you have to let go. He's going to do things differently to you. Being disorganised on the first week he's been looking after the kids full time is not the crime of the century. It might take you more than a week to re-integrate into a new job too.

Bogeyface · 15/10/2016 14:39

Time for a word along the lines of "Do I need to look for a better paying job? Why? Because if you are this lazy and shit at work then I imagine you will be getting sacked soon"

Then point out all the jobs that need doing, that the fucking fairies dont them and that you expect them to be done.

I cannot believe the responses on here! Oh bless the poor wee man, he is trying! No he fucking isnt, he is a lazy bastard who thinks that anything to do with kids and housework is below him, time for that to change. No time for potty training but time to play on his phone? I would be fuming!

Grumpyoldblonde · 15/10/2016 14:40

I had to seriously tell mine that if I dropped dead or disappeared that he simply wouldn't be able to cope and that this fact worried me hugely. It really does, the thought of my child with no clean uniform, dental appointments not made, no decent food, scruffy dirty house etc. Since then I have slowly handed over some responsibilities, forced him to sit and watch/help me do the monthly financial admin, told him whenever he has said "I don't mind, you choose" that no, I need his input.
I've told him that if he can drive a car and use a computer then the washing machine is not beyond him. It's exhausting to have to do everyone's thinking for them.

PerpetualStudent · 15/10/2016 14:40

think he might do better if you verbally told him. Some people I guess won't remember to check the list/calendar so if you speak to him and mention what he needs to do in chunks of info, rather than a massive list, he might be better able to cope.

Are we seriously suggesting this for a grown-ass man? In 2016?!
Poor little mite, all these complicated tasks like turning ingredients into food and remembering what activities his children do, how can his tiny man-brain ever cope with it... Hmm

OP, how would you feel about using your experience of the past few days to have a sit down chat with your DH about how domestic/childcare tasks are divided up? Sounds like he's disengaged with the day to day routine a bit

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2016 14:41

It's hard for us to tell, but I think if your role is normally bringing in the finances, you're never going to as 'good' at the childcare/hw role having had much less practise. As a sahp, you get to start with one child, and learn more slowly.
Also, is sounds like you have a fairly difficult set up - 4 children, 2 year old, meds, activities.
I think cut him some slack - being fed, meds done, teeth cleaned, the priorities are important. Getting dressed in a Saturday/missing an activity - not so important.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 15/10/2016 14:42

There is some weeks when he has to work and sees none of you in that week. I think you should cut him some slack what sort of work does he do?

Costacoffeeplease · 15/10/2016 14:45

Then stop doing everything. When you're better tell him there is going to be routine changes. Divide up jobs and areas of responsibility and let him get on with them

This

leaveittothediva · 15/10/2016 14:47

Your ill. Stop the micro managing and let him get on with it, it probably won't be up to your standard, so what. Get busy recovering from your illness, and be thankful that he's there to pick the slack. So what the kids miss their activity, Shit happens. They'll survive.

HyacinthFuckit · 15/10/2016 14:48

Yanbu. He should've realised in his 48 years that if you're not going to use the meat that's been left out, you put it in the freezer instead. And that milk doesn't magically appear in the fridge. That's fucking pathetic. This is basic adulting.

Grumpyoldblonde · 15/10/2016 14:51

Blimey, I didn't realise that kids being dressed and washed and fed was a high standard!

ScaredFuture99 · 15/10/2016 14:51

are sorry but that's rubbish.

The OP's DH should be involved all the time he is at home, so at least 4~5 (??) days every 7 days.
He should be involved in every aspect of family life then, just as he would be involved at weekends if he was working a 'normal' week.

And what Costa said.
Tis is a wake up call for you. Up to you now to find a way to 'force' him or teach him how to be a good father and partner.
Oh I would find a job too.

roundaboutthetown · 15/10/2016 14:54

Expecting him to do it the way you would do it, when you have had years to perfect what you do and he's never really got involved, would be like expecting someone who has never been in the paid workplace before to turn up at the age of 48 and be entirely professional, organised and competent at the role immediately, as though they had been working there for years. Why on earth do you think he should be able to take over from you and do it well? Do you really undervalue your own years of experience so much?! How ridiculous. You are seriously underestimating yourself.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 15/10/2016 14:54

Sunshine he's an engineer.

I'm clearly expecting too much!?

Hecfidnt get anynof tbe dc washed/teeth done today or dressed today.

I have always earned money whilst we've been together. At times as much as him.
I'm sorry I dont see why it acceptable?

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 15/10/2016 14:56

And now he realises how useless he is at the job of running a household, he needs to practise and learn from experience...