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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be surprised by rude children?!

93 replies

MyBreadIsEggy · 15/10/2016 11:49

I'm at huge risk of sounding like my mother, but I was genuinely surprised by this!
I live in a little tiny village that just happens to be home to the most delicious bakery ever Grin I popped in on my way home this morning to grab some biscuits, and there was a little queue. At the front was a woman with two children, a boy I would guess was around 8, and a girl a little bit older. They were fussing over what treats they were going to choose, and when they were speaking to both their mum and the lady who owns the bakery, all I heard was "I want, I want, I want" pointing at the glass - neither of them said "please" at all. Then when the owner didn't know exactly what they were pointing at, demanding "I want that!", she asked "Which one? This one?" and picked up a biscuit, only to be met with a scoff from the boy and "Noooo! I want the other one!!" Hmm His Mum didn't say a word!
AIBU to be genuinely surprised by this blatent rudeness and lack of manners that went completely unchallenged by the parent?! Confused

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Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 15/10/2016 19:24

maisiejones not quite....but close Smile

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IHeartKingThistle · 15/10/2016 19:43

I know a few families like this and I feel sorry for the kids. They will grow up baffled as to why people don't like them, because they've never been taught.

When I was a secondary teacher manners went a long way with me. A kid who forgot their homework who came straight up to me at the beginning of the lesson, apologised, explained and offered a solution, and a kid who forgot their homework, tried to hide it, argued with me and smirked at their mates might well find themselves with different outcomes. I would always explain this to classes and was always gobsmacked at how many kids found basic manners so impossible.

It has to be taught and it has to be demonstrated. I'm not judgy as a rule but I'm judgy as hell about this.

Hillfarmer · 15/10/2016 20:57

I'm very partial to the odd elegantly-turned string of expletives, Malcolm Tucker stylee, so no prude but....

I took my dcs to see my old Dad and Stepmum on his birthday today. He lives in a small terrace of modern houses (think Surrey suburbs) and I went out of the back door to get something from the shed.

The next door neighbour's children - low wire fence and small shrubs between the gardens - were playing football and sounding like they were having fun, and I didn't take much notice. Until I heard the words 'xxxxx is a Big fat cunt!' 'No you're a big fat cunt, ha ha' etc etc...

I was really shocked as they were only about 6 or 7 and I've never heard kids that young saying the C word. But even worse, when I automatically looked over towards them, their Dad was just standing there playing goalie! He didn't react at all. I was somewhat gobsmacked.

jayisforjessica · 15/10/2016 21:10

I agree with those asking not to turn this into a thread about ASD. We can debate what ASD kids can and can't do in another thread. This is a thread about NT kids with bad/no manners.

witsender · 15/10/2016 21:23

Twas ever thus.

I think many kids say "I want" not because they have been taught it, but because it is so literal. They do want it, they're communicating that. Doesn't sound nice though.

My daughter is practically a selective mute, she pretty much doesn't speak if she doesn't know the person. So I just preempt and thank for her. She would be in this position though, as she wouldn't be talking to the lady in the shop, and would only whisper in my ear in the presence of aomeone else.

Mumoftwinsandanother · 15/10/2016 22:00

I have twin daughters. As respects manners they have been brought up the same but one always says please and thank you appropriately and the other one really struggles. The thing is the "non please and thank you sayer" isn't deliberately or neglectfully rude just quite shy at times. She might also have mild traits of asd (I only think this because my son has asd and some of the behaviours are similarish without all the difficulties my boy has). I remind her regularly to say please and thank you but try not to reprimand her in front of other people because it really upsets her to be shown up (but upset in a non-productive way). I don't think that anecdote is necessarily relevant to your situation OP just wanted to explain it isn't always parents etc.

DixieWishbone · 15/10/2016 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maisiejones · 16/10/2016 01:03

Ah Mybread. I was thinking Pump Street Bakery in Orford. Their almond pastries are sublime. In fact, everything they bake is sublime. 😀

Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/10/2016 06:53

maisiejones no idea where that is!! We are relatively new to the area, moved when DH was posted in (RAF!) so haven't really explored much of Suffolk yet!!

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DixieNormas · 16/10/2016 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honkinghaddock · 16/10/2016 07:42

Jayisforjessica - I haven't seen anyone saying those children must have asd. I don't think it is unreasonable to educate people that sometimes when children may appear to be being rude, there can be other stuff going on. There have been a few people on this thread who think that if someone can speak then they can always understand and apply the rules of typical social communication - which is incorrect. Also that you must correct them if they aren't applying them, which depending upon the person and situation, may not be the best thing to do.
If people are allowed to say they must be being rude then other people should be allowed to say they might not be. Otherwise you are excluding people and their experiences, from mumsnet.

FleurThomas · 16/10/2016 07:46

You'll often find that the polite children will be more likely to be found in top sets at school, even when rude kids might be smarter. So agree with you OP the parent's not doing them any favours.

youarenotkiddingme · 16/10/2016 07:49

Kids are definitely ruder than I remember them being when I was younger. But that's general attitude rather than anything specific.

In some ways I think it's a good think they have more confidence to challenge authority but wish manners were more apparent in everyday life.

And yes, some people will bring in possible SNs. Because it is a possibility. My DS is always being referred to as sweet and ever so polite but he has ASD. If the person in the bakery asked "what do you want" hed reply "that one" because it's the right answer and he'd also think the woman woukd know which one he meant.
It's not easy for him to say "please can I have that chocolate square with the caramel on top and a flake" because he doesn't have the communication skills.

I don't think there's a direct correlation between manners and rudeness.

BabyGanoush · 16/10/2016 07:51

My son did this once, he was about 7, said in a bakery:" I want that one"

The bakery lady said:"what is the magic word?"

He looked really confused and said:" abracadabra?"

He's pretty good at please and thank youd now

Pipistrelle40 · 16/10/2016 08:39

When they are adults if they ever meet me they will get a cold 'Are please and thank you not part of your vocabulary' said. Used most recently on a bus when the teenager next to me just said 'move' when they wanted to get off. Whole bus sniggered.

FrancisCrawford · 16/10/2016 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperFlyHigh · 16/10/2016 09:27

My neighbours DD (5) went through a stage of whenever I gave her something (normally for her birthday etc) she would struggle to say please or thank you because she was shy and didn't know me well. Now she knows me well it's automatic for her, sometimes her parents have to prompt her for it. I don't mind.

I see the most appalling behaviour out and about with parents and kids - pushing, shoving, swearing - yet also polite parents and kids too.

Last summer I was having lunch in a park with a cafe which sold pizzas/ice creams etc - as I went to pay first in the queue a very posh woman pushed straight in front of me, spoke to the server and held out her cash to pay, I gave her a dirty look as I couldn't be bothered to get into an argument! But that sort of behaviour is being watched by her DC etc.

I was told off for saying "thanks" rather than "thank you" and taught proper ways to ask for something etc by my nana (mum's mum).

In fact thinking on it, single dad friend of mine who's looked after 3 DDs ranging from 13 months to 7 years (eldest 2 now teenagers), they've always had impeccable manners and dad always pulls them up. They're a delight to take out which I often do.

Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/10/2016 09:30

I guess I was more taken aback than anything.
When I was a kid, politeness was big on the agenda for my parents. I could hardly speak my English when we first came here when I was 5, but two of the first words I learned after learning how to tell someone my name, were please and thank you Confused and that wasn't even that long ago in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I'm sounding like someone who grew up in a different time where children were just expected to be polite, but I wasn't....I was this child's age 14 years ago Blush

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