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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be surprised by rude children?!

93 replies

MyBreadIsEggy · 15/10/2016 11:49

I'm at huge risk of sounding like my mother, but I was genuinely surprised by this!
I live in a little tiny village that just happens to be home to the most delicious bakery ever I popped in on my way home this morning to grab some biscuits, and there was a little queue. At the front was a woman with two children, a boy I would guess was around 8, and a girl a little bit older. They were fussing over what treats they were going to choose, and when they were speaking to both their mum and the lady who owns the bakery, all I heard was "I want, I want, I want" pointing at the glass - neither of them said "please" at all. Then when the owner didn't know exactly what they were pointing at, demanding "I want that!", she asked "Which one? This one?" and picked up a biscuit, only to be met with a scoff from the boy and "Noooo! I want the other one!!" His Mum didn't say a word!
AIBU to be genuinely surprised by this blatent rudeness and lack of manners that went completely unchallenged by the parent?!

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 15/10/2016 12:31

Obviously children who are barely speaking aren't expected to say please and thank you .

Children who are speaking need to be using their manners.

Trifleorbust · 15/10/2016 12:33

But even in the case of a child with SN, someone has taught them to say "I want" rather than "Could I have..."

missyB1 · 15/10/2016 12:33

I frequently correct bad mannered children who come to my house. We have half the kids in the neighbourhood playing here sometimes and I can tell which ones come from homes where manners are clearly not taught. Anyway I tell them very firmly that please and thank you are mandatory in this house.

exLtEveDallas · 15/10/2016 12:35

When DD was 9 she made friends with a new girl who came to us for the day and was going home after tea. I made a lasagne as ime it's the one meal that most kids seem to like.

Set it at the table and the girl said "what's that?". Lasagne I replied. "Yeah but what is it, it looks horrible". I was surprised but said "It's like spaghetti bolognaise but made into a pie with some cheese, same sort of taste"

Girl: "I'm not eating that, make me something else"
Me: "I'm sorry, what?"
Girl: "Make me something else"
Me: "How rude, no I won't be doing that, maybe we should get you home then"
Girl: "I'm not rude, you're rude"
Me: "Ok, I'm not getting into that, I'll give your mum a call"

Told mum girl "seemed tired and a little ratty" and after telling her what happened all mum said was "Oh couldn't you have made her some toast". She didn't see the rudeness at all. I thought it was really obvious.

Thankfully DD wasn't that impressed with her either so she never came back again.

Manumission · 15/10/2016 12:35

It's neglect, in a way.

Why set your child up to be loathed?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/10/2016 12:37

I once took my kids into a gorgeous patisserie in France for a treat. They were dithering about choosing so I pulled them to one side and let the rest of the queue go ahead. They then asked very politely for what they wanted, said "Merci" etc.

The shopkeeper then complimemented me on the excellent behaviour of my children and gave them another box of cakes for free, as it was coming towards the end of the day. Big smiles all round.

So feel sorry for these kids OP; they are being let down really. Society is often kinder to people who have nice manners.

JellyBelli · 15/10/2016 12:37

DemonNameChanger
I have friends who's children, and I've always helped with teaching them social behaviour. That includes learning to wait to speak even if they are really excited, and saying please and thank you.
Its just basic parenting to do that.

FlemCandango · 15/10/2016 12:38

I have two excessively polite children with asd they always say please and thank you as it is a clear rule they can hold onto in the minefield of social interaction. They have also been known to point out rude behaviour of children and adults around them - which can be awkward.

My youngest nt child is also very polite and relishes the opportunity to encourage her older siblings to police bad behaviour. There was one occasion while we ate sandwiches outside the national museum of childhood where my kids were outraged by some children chasing pigeons, and started chasing the children to tell them off, all that was missing was the benny hill music!

Trifleorbust · 15/10/2016 12:40

ExLt: That is absolutely shocking!

Liiinoo · 15/10/2016 12:41

I went to a fairly rough inner city school. One day we were standing in the lunch queue and one of the older students tried to push past sappy me and my equally sappy friend snarling 'Get out of my way'. My friend looked at her archly and said 'and what's the magic word then?' I cringed and waited for a torrent of abuse but automatically the previously terrifying pusher-in repeated meekly 'Get out of my way PLEASE'. It made us all laugh til we cried back then and 40 years on the memory still makes me smile.

Oblomov16 · 15/10/2016 12:42

Dusty, I know exactly what you mean. every time either of my Ds's go round to someone else's house, you know on a 'play date', the parents always compliment on how extremely polite they are. I joke and look as if I'm puzzled and joke ' you know that's funny because he's like Kevin and Perry at home!!'

VixenLupin · 15/10/2016 12:45

I have a son with speech problems and he will "demand" things. I always remind him to say please or thank you, or I will say it for him. I'd like to know if the mum said please or thank you too.

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 15/10/2016 12:45

Should have expected the "what if the child has some kind of SN that isn't outwardly noticeable" replies I guess.....
But I have to agree with posters who've said that there is a big difference between a child with SN who is non-verbal and one who may have SN but can speak clearly - which this child definitely could....someone has taught them to say "I want that" rather than "Can I have" - which although still isn't a "please", it sounds a hell of a lot better than "I want!"

OP posts:

honkinghaddock · 15/10/2016 12:47

Pushing please and thank you on a child who is speaking in 2 or 3 word sentences is pointless - as said by every speech therapist who has ever being involved with my child.

jayisforjessica · 15/10/2016 12:50

Oblomov16 I have had notes home from school remarking on DS's habit of answering "yes ma'am" when the teacher gives him an instruction. She loves it. Tell me I'm not alone in being sneakily super proud? lol

DemonNameChanger · 15/10/2016 12:53

Jelly sure it is, but it doesn't happen over night and for many children with send it will take a hell of alot longer, so children getting wound up and panicking if the other person doesn't understand what they mean really isn't that unusual.

Pp I want is very normal language acquisition, toddlers say it all the time. For some kids their send will mean it takes them longer to aquire social language as they don't have the 'why' understanding behind social interactions that most of us take for granted (and some never will) Many kids with send will speak literally 'I want that one' and be confused that others don't get that (because they can't understand that others have a different perspective). That's not unusunl. While there are lazy parents and rude kids you can't tell from the outside which kids have send & maybe a dangerously sleep deprived parent not picking them up as quickly as they would other times (I have 6 years of 2/3 hours sleep behind me now, as sleep disorders go hand in hand with asd/adhd and many other send)

JellyBelli · 15/10/2016 12:58

OP was surprised by the parent just standing there and doing nothing.
Did anyone read the post?

fluffybaloon · 15/10/2016 13:03

Actually I was thinking the opposite.

My work involves seeing a lot of parents and under 5s and I'd say 99% of the parents prompt their child to say thank you.
To the 1% I say 'thank you for coming' as they leave.

I think good manners are more ingrained than they were say 15 years ago.

honkinghaddock · 15/10/2016 13:03

For some children it may not have been appropriate to do anything.

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 15/10/2016 13:03

YANBU. They will grow into teens like my neighbours' daughter who at I'd guess about 17 years old, is the rudest young woman I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

Sadly I've only ever had contact with these neighbours because of complaints about their noise, but all they do is send little miss no manners to the door if I call round. The parents then stand behind her smirking while she verbally attacks me (I'd be interested to see what they'd do if I was a 40 year old bloke built like a brick shithouse )

Manners are something parents should start teaching their children as soon as they begin to speak.

BalloonSlayer · 15/10/2016 13:04

I know some very pleasant kids who never say please and thank you. Ask them what biscuit they want, they will say "I'll have that one" - perfectly nice, unbratty tone of voice, and take it and eat it. Well behaved children though, kind, pleasant etc. Parents are always very nice as well, friendly and stop to chat.

I had them all over for tea and the parent picked them up. Just said "bye!" and left. No "thank you for having him," and certainly not "Say thank you to xxx's Mum." So I could see where the lack of pleases and thank yous comes from, the parents don't do it either and haven't bothered to teach the kids.

Luckily they have taught them to be nice people so that's something.

honkinghaddock · 15/10/2016 13:04

Did the mum say thank you?

RiverTam · 15/10/2016 13:06

Unfortunately I know of plenty of children with no additional needs etc who are incredibly demanding and they're never pulled up for it by their parents. I always surprised on play dates how infrequently I hear the words please and thank you.

EweAreHere · 15/10/2016 13:06

YANBU but there's not much you can do about other people's children. Sadly.

I see so many rude, entitled children, and then I meet their parents and realize they're much the same.

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 15/10/2016 13:08

Balloon, I guess good manners are more than just please and thank you and the children you mention are well mannered enough to behave themselves. The lack of thanks is a bit strange though.

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