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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you get up early for work and you have young Dc.....

88 replies

StrongTeaHotShower · 14/10/2016 07:10

Does your partner get up to take care of dc whilst you get ready or do they stay in bed till you've gone?

I do shift work so am up between 5:30 - 6:00 am and this mostly coincides with dd's 2yrs waking. She will need usual morning care as in night nappy off help to toilet, demands for milk and breakfast and for books on the sofa. I have a small amount of time to get ready and wish my partner would get up and tend to her but he stays in bed till I go (He says he gets up as soon as I'm gone so I have to take his word for it).
I've asked him to help out so I'm not late but he's not changed a thing.
AIBU to expect this especially as he work late?

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 14/10/2016 09:19

I agree with Living. It sounds as if you think 5.30 is an ok time to be up and about as that's what time you are used to being up.

Maybe you should stay up till he gets home and has something to eat, watches some tv or whatever he does when he gets in from work and then go to bed at the same time as he does. Then you will both be getting the same amount of sleep.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 14/10/2016 09:23

Mmmh yes if it was 7/7:30 I would see it differently, in the way that the parent doing the morning childcare shouldn't expect a lie-in, and 7 is a reasonable time to get up...
What about putting her in bed with him with a tablet to keep her calm for 30min or so (goes against all parental advice, I know... )?

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 14/10/2016 09:25

shouldn't expect a lie-in, and 7 is a reasonable time to get up
My pre-children self is crying... I used to be proud of myself for getting up before noon in the weekend and was amazed that I could enjoy "the morning"... Now after 7 is "a lie-in" Confused

Original poster
StrongTeaHotShower · 14/10/2016 09:28

7 is definitely a lie in these days Sad

I'll go with the tablet in bed idea.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 09:29

Well yes, 7am would be different because a) it's a more reasonable time for a 2yo to be awake, and b) he'd have had more sleep! I bet you get more than 4-5 hours sleep, so why is it okay for your DH to routinely have less when there's no need for it?

Working lates is really bad for your sleep, really. His body clock says "midnight-1am is bedtime", which means he should be getting up at 7-8am to get enough sleep. If he's getting up when you leave at 6am, it means he's not getting enough sleep 4 days a week, and his body will naturally try and catch up on his days off.

Why does he have to be up at 5.30am if DD already has a parent up who can take care of her? I don't see the point in the whole household being up that early when it's not necessary.

windygales · 14/10/2016 09:37

We share the mornings unless one of us is ill. They are his children too

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 09:52

Yes, but he's not getting in from work until gone midnight! If he was working 9-5 I would agree with you windy, but why should the whole house be up at 5.30am for no reason?

I think people lack understanding about late shifts/night work on here. If you work 9-5, you don't get home at 5.30pm and go to bed. You get home, have dinner, have a bath, do some housework, watch TV and have an "evening". Whereas if you work until midnight, you're expected to come home and go straight to bed - where's the chance to unwind?

So I'm guessing he probably doesn't get to sleep until 1am at the earliest, which means if he's expected to wake up with OP at 5.30am, he'll be running on 4.5 hours sleep a night, four days a week. Even when he gets up when OP goes to work, he's still running on less sleep than average. No wonder he's irritable in the mornings!

If they had several children or both had to be out of the door at 7am, then yes, he should help, but one 2yo who doesn't need to be out of the door until she starts nursery - no, I don't think it's necessary for both parents to wake up at stupid o'clock.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 14/10/2016 12:34

I think when it comes down to it he needs his sleep after a late shift more than you need two pairs of hands in the morning.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 14/10/2016 12:47

I get up at 5am for work. If I was getting to sleep midnight/1am regularly then I would be a total wreck! He can't be expected to manage on such little sleep. As a one off then it probably wouldn't be a problem but it's totally unfair to get him to get up at 5.30am just because.

Definitely need to sort DD's sleeping, if you can't do that then maybe teach her that it's not "getting up time" and give her a toy or something to play with in her room.

Artandco · 14/10/2016 12:55

I think you both need to work on child's sleep tbh. 5.30am is too early waking for child and your husband.
I would do a strict 2 weeks of both of you taking her back to bed, saying it's sleepy time etc, to try and get her to sleep until 7am. What time does she go to sleep? Would it not be better if she went to bed a bit later and woke later? She can take a nap late afternoon. That way if she sleeps 9pm-8am for example, and your Dh can sleep 1am-8am at least he gets 6 hrs sleep, you get the morning quiet to get ready, and you don't finish work to an exhausted child to knackered by 5pm as up so early

InTheDessert · 14/10/2016 13:02

Tough one.
I think on mornings after he's been working, he needs to be allowed to sleep until you are about to walk out of the door. But needs to be woken, and given DD at that point. Relying on him knowing your gone and there is a 2 year old loose in the house isn't really on.
If he's had a chance to go to bed around 11, he needs to get up with DD.

But my morning timings are screwed by living here. DH starts work at 7. Kids start at 7.30, which means leaving the house at 6.45. And yes, I get up with DH at 5.30, and do all kids related stuff. But I can collapse into bed at half nine each evening.

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 14/10/2016 13:03

YABU. My dp is almost always up and out of the house before me and the kids. He usually starts work at 4/5 so I have to get both dcs (3 &5) ready for nursery/school every day. I work evenings a couple of times a week and don't get to bed until about 1 or 2am, so getting up a 6.30 is a struggle. If my DPs day off is coincides with this he'll get up at 7 with the kids so I can catch up with sleep.

Reckoning · 14/10/2016 13:27

Yes on my earlies dh gets up the same time as me and gets DC ready for childminders while I get ready for work. He then gets himself ready and leaves about an hour after me. its easier for me to drop them off as he works in the opposite direction and would have to leave at the same time as me to get them there and back in time for work!

Love51 · 14/10/2016 13:48

My DH often leaves the house before any of the rest of us are awake. If it's my working day and the kids rise early he will get himself ready then watch telly with a kid on his knee while I get ready. If he's going in later he will play with them, but before 7 its just telly! Today wasn't my working day so the early riser had cuddles in bed with me while daddy got up, then I had to admit it was daytime and we got up to wave him off.
Back when they were both at the childminders early, I'd have to get ready for work with the kids often trailing me. It wasn't great. But expecting your partner to be up after 5 hrs sleep isn't on. It's not that hard to get ready with a kid in tow, if you don't actually have to make them do anything!

Love51 · 14/10/2016 13:50

Oh and another vote for teach the kid to sleep. One shit week for a winter of lie ins - get it done, OPs DP.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2016 13:51

for me, and many others, I couldn't function properly on 4 or 5 hours sleep a night. Therefore I'd only do it if absolutely necessary, ie a newborn. It isn't necessary in your situation, so I'd sort a way around it, whichever suits best. My way would be non negotiable for dd not to appear before 7, but if that isn't for you then, iPad in bed, playing in room, you sorting her, tv on with blanket on sofa - anything rather than expecting someone that get up ready to start day after just a few hours sleep.

Note3 · 14/10/2016 13:58

I notice a lot of people are saying 5 30 is not a reasonable time for a 2 yr old to get up and you should instead work on that. I also saw your subsequent post that it doesn't matter what time she goes to sleep she'll still be up early.

Well I feel your pain. I have 3 children...one has been a brilliant sleeper and would get up around 6.30/7 usually. The middle one thinks it's torture to stay in bed past 5 30 and has been an early riser since the start. My third...well she's still a baby but seems to be more like my older one thank goodness!

Many a day I've been sat with my middle one at 5 am trying to keep her from waking the rest of the house. Trust me when I say I have tried pretty much everything. Even if she goes to bed at 11pm she's up by 6am (recent party showed this still to be the case!)

Reason for my post is to give you some moral support on the early rising as people are sounding as if it's your fault when it's probably not!

My DH does not help in the morning whether he's up in time or not. If he has happened to get up with 10 mins to spare he will sit and look at his phone rather than ask if the children want him to brush their teeth. He is by nature a bloody lazy person and I've just had to accept this over the yrs. He is considerate in some other ways to redeem himself a bit

Note3 · 14/10/2016 14:00

To add to above post, if I was in your situation my only expectation on DH would be that he was physically up out of bed before I shut the front door. Too risky while DC young as he could easily doze and she could get in all sorts of bother and he'd be clueless

Grumpyaboutchristmas · 14/10/2016 14:12

Early risers can be taught to stay in bed, it takes consistency, discipline and a caring yet firm approach to nighttime. My children have always been told anything before 715am is night, even a minute early and back to bed. Sounds ridiculous but it works. They had a gro clock from 2, they see the face go from blue (night) to yellow (sun) and it's time to get up. Easy easy for even the smallest of children.

We also teach them to whisper through bedroom corridors, shut doors behind them and play quietly if a parent or guest is sleeping late. I genuinely don't get why people just say 'oh they are a lark!'. Mine thought they were larks too, I very quickly taught them that larks do not live in this house, or if they do, they certainly don't sing til after the sun comes up.

If I can do it with my stubborn, tantrumy, opinionated, and frankly rather difficult (though adorable) youngest fake lark, genuinely anyone can.

TheNaze73 · 14/10/2016 14:24

The child's sleep is surely the issue here. Expecting someone who finishes work at midnight to do it, isn't fair

Note3 · 14/10/2016 15:16

Grumpy...you may one day realise that not every one fits the same bracket. My middle one has had consistency, reward chart, go clock, consequences, altered bedtime...the lot. She is an early riser. It's in her blood in the same way as she's highly emotionally strung. In the same way as my DH is a moody bastard every morning and I'm not. You cannot always take the early out of an early riser.

5moreminutes · 14/10/2016 15:47

Grumpy are there adults getting up for work at 5:30am in your house? Do you not see that makes "anything before 7am is night" a harder fiction to maintain?

I never get why people are so tolerant of people who "can't" wake up early but so intolerant of people who can't sleep in.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 14/10/2016 15:47

Note, so for your middle one, books/toys in bed and lights on wouldn't work?
I get that a child has an internal clock and will wake up early, but I am wondering if as parent we can teach them to stay in bed even if they are awake.
Genuinely interested, not trying to prove a point. I have twins with different sleep patterns so I get that all child are different, and that there is only so much we can influence.

Footyfan16 · 14/10/2016 15:51

DH gets up with DS2 and baths him whilst I get DD ready (DS1 gets himself ready)

He does get up slightly later than me (him 6am, me 5:30) but only because I like to have a nice long shower first!

Love51 · 14/10/2016 16:23

Yes the sleep thing will be hard. We struggled with it as ours share a room, so we don't want the awake one to wake the asleep one, hence cuddles in my bed. But it can be done. Someone being up and awake makes it harder, but groclock and a bit of training will make the dps life better (and ops), so they needs to support each other through it.