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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you get up early for work and you have young Dc.....

88 replies

StrongTeaHotShower · 14/10/2016 07:10

Does your partner get up to take care of dc whilst you get ready or do they stay in bed till you've gone?

I do shift work so am up between 5:30 - 6:00 am and this mostly coincides with dd's 2yrs waking. She will need usual morning care as in night nappy off help to toilet, demands for milk and breakfast and for books on the sofa. I have a small amount of time to get ready and wish my partner would get up and tend to her but he stays in bed till I go (He says he gets up as soon as I'm gone so I have to take his word for it).
I've asked him to help out so I'm not late but he's not changed a thing.
AIBU to expect this especially as he work late?

OP posts:
OutnumberedbyFurchesters · 14/10/2016 07:48

Dh works until 11pm every night of the week, hes home and in bed by 11.30/midnight.

He still gets up every morning with DD helping to get her dressed, breakfast, etc. And we share it. He's also grumpy in the morning, but he tries not to be so with DD.

He takes her to nursery too on the days she goes when I'm working, it's their time together as he wont see her all day after that as he's working so late.

I'd also be worried and not able to take his word for it that he gets up as soon as the door closes... I'd ensure he was up and awake enough to look after DD before I left, and awake enough not to be irritable with her. Maybe you need to be more forceful with the both of them in a morning?!

5moreminutes · 14/10/2016 07:48

I agree putting her into bed with him with a cup of milk s your best compromise - if he gets in at midnight he'll barely have had 5 hours sleep so when he has been working it's not ideal for either of you. If he hasn't been at work and won't be that evening either it's his shift in the morning though without doubt!

I start work at 6am but my kids are older - I only worked evenings when I had nappy age kids. They are all larks though so I totally get why advice just not to "let" her get up is totally unrealistic and transparently from someone who hasn't got lark children!

My eldest still likes to get up with me so I don't get the peace and quiet Id quite like when getting ready before dawn, but she's a self sufficient pre teen who sorts herself out while prattling away full of the joys of spring despite it being 5am on a dark and rainy October Tuesday so I can't really complain! Most of her peers need dragging out of bed for school so I guess lark children are a bonus by school / secondary age!

Get her some milk, maybe do her nappy, then put her into bed with DH and get on. If you resort to putting a TVin the bedroom and sticking a DVD on he can still doze and she'll hopefully stay put and stop stalking you before work! Grin

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 14/10/2016 07:51

DP works nights and gets home at 6.30am in time for me to leave for work, if ds is asleep then he will go to bed and get some sleep if ds is awake then he will look after him until I get back at 9am (im a nanny and do before and after school) if he's had a couple of hours sleep then he stays up and we do things with ds ie groups if he hasn't he goes back to bed. On his nights off he does any night wakings and takes care of ds whilst I'm getting ready for work on my days off (school holidays) I do all morning care, i do all childcare and bedtimes in the evenings whilst dp gets ready for work Basically we share the care of our son and whoever isn't going to work looks after him.

BreatheDeep · 14/10/2016 07:56

DH will get up with DS if he's not working (shift worker). But otherwise I get myself and DS up and ready and out the house and drop him off at childcare on my way to work.
If DH and I have the same days off then we split lie ins between us!

Original poster
StrongTeaHotShower · 14/10/2016 07:58

Ok, I'll continue to cut him some slack post late shifts but try and come to some sort of arrangement for the other days.

I do worry about whether he actually gets up and often call him on my way to work. I think it's fine though.

OP posts:
icanteven · 14/10/2016 08:01

He's being a lazy arse.

Our days are probably a bit different to yours, as I work from home, but I get up at 6.45 in the morning to get the children up/dress/fed/ready to leave the house by 7.45 with DH, who does the school run.

All DH has to do is get himself sorted. He can have a peaceful shower, breakfast and gather any papers etc. he needs for morning meetings. I even bring him a cup of tea in bed before I get the girls up.

This is pretty much what your DH should be doing.

(This isn't even me being a good little wifey either - I'm the main breadwinner.)

Mrsblackcat · 14/10/2016 08:10

I don't know; i don't think it's lazy to stay in bed at 5 when you've probably only been asleep four hours tops!

swimmerforlife · 14/10/2016 08:10

I work full time whilst DH self employed / works from home so it really depends on what DH schedule is. Generally I look after DS2 and DH looks after DS1 because I wake at 6am which is the time DS2 generally wakes so I look after him. Tbh I don't mind but DS2 is a pretty easy baby and it is the only quality time really I get to spend with him during the weekdays. And I really don't see the need for both of us to be up 6am if we don't need to be.

Whilst DH cares for DS1 in the mornings as he doesn't wake until I'm about the time I leave at 7:30, so I leave that up to DH unless he has somewhere to be (meeting a client early in the morning etc), in which case we both pitch in with both kids.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/10/2016 08:11

either

demand it, and thrash it out
OR, put her to bed later so she wakes later
OR, leave earlier and say that you need to start even earlier now....

I think a later bedtime might be easier TBH

QuilliamCakespeare · 14/10/2016 08:12

I used to get up for work about 5.45 which gave me 15 mins (max) to shower before DS woke up. I'd then get some milk for DS and dry my hair, do make up etc. downstairs while he played with his toys. I'd wake DH just before I left the house at 6.45 and he's take over. He didn't leave for work/nursery drop off until 8.

SocksRock · 14/10/2016 08:15

I get up at 6 and do all the bag preparation and packed lunches, preschool bag etc. All left in piles by the front door with appropriate shoes and coats as DH has a history of not sending with correct outerwear. Kids breakfast dumped on the table during this, although they can feed themselves. Clothes laid out night before, they can all dress themselves after a fashion. I then have about 20 minutes to hop in the shower and get dressed before leaving at 7. DH gets up about 6.45 and takes over before he leaves with all 3 of them about 7.45 and drops them at the CM

bimbobaggins · 14/10/2016 08:16

Can you quickly change her nappy and put her back to bed with her bottle? Maybe she will get into the routine of going back to sleep.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 14/10/2016 08:20

If he's not even getting home until midnight, I think YABU to have him get up at 5:30 just so you can have an uninterrupted time getting ready for work.

What time are you in bed yourself on these days? What are you trying to get done in the morning? I'm lucky that my DS isn't generally a particularly early riser (more 6:30-7am) but I often need to get us both ready to leave the house in the morning. I try to get up before DS for a shower and throw clothes on. I was my hair in the evenings to minimise bathroom time. Everything else is ready the night before. I can then focus on getting DS dressed, milk and getting us out of the door.

Sleep's a most precious commodity when you're a parent and I wouldn't want to lose an hour a day just to give my DH an easier ride in the morning.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 08:20

I think you need to encourage DD to sleep later than 5am if possible. There's no way I'd be happy having 4-5 hours sleep 4 days a week when it wasn't necessary.

I think if you're awake, you should look after her, but take her upto him when you leave so he has to get up then. I can imagine it's annoying getting ready and watching her while he snores upstairs but if he doesn't get in until midnight he must be shattered!

Does DD sleep through?

Ausernotanumber · 14/10/2016 08:21

Sort out her early waking. He's not unreasonable to want to sleep if he's not in til midnight. If I wasn't in til midnight I wouldn't be able to sleep til around 1.

A couple of hours while she is nursery isn't good decent sleep.

clare2307 · 14/10/2016 08:22

I think you both need to compromise and come up with a solution that suits you both. While I understand how difficult it is to get yourself ready in peace when you have an early riser, I wouldn't be happy at getting in from work at midnight & regularly getting up with a toddler at 5.30am. However, he should definitely help more when he hasn't been working late, even if it's just taking your DD into bed for cuddles & cartoons for a half hour!

My DH does help in the morning but I definitely do around 80% of what is required. He is however awake and keeping our early riser happy while I get myself totally ready (even if they are lazing in bed!) then I take over and get both kids ready while he gets organised for work. We leave at the same time. I am happy with this because I am far more of a morning person and he picks up more of the slack in the evening when I can't be bothered. Grin

RavioliOnToast · 14/10/2016 08:31

How can you guarantee that he does get up 'as soon as the front door closes'? Id want him out of bed and physically in front of me before I left the house

Powerrangersdinocharge · 14/10/2016 08:31

I thinks he's being unreasonable to a point. I get up at 6.15 out the door at 7, usually ds wull wake around the same time as me, so I'll take him downstairs, do milk, change bum and put telly on to entertain him whilst I get ready. Dh gets up at 6.45, to give me 15 minutes to sort out bits, and he then does breakfast, gets him dressed etc. Until he goes to the cm.

You're supposed to work together.

My ds gets up around 6 whether he goes to bed late or not, he's just an early riser, nothing I can do about it, I was the same as a kid.

Original poster
StrongTeaHotShower · 14/10/2016 08:50

Dd is fairly good about sleeping through now. I'm in charge of any night wakings. She will always be an early riser no matter what time I put her down. 5:30 in the summer but now we are approaching 6-6:30 some days.

It's good to know I am being a bit unreasonable as it stops me feeling resentful!

I still don't know where we stand on his not getting up when he hasn't been working the night before. He makes no distinction between the two.

OP posts:
LivingOnTheDancefloor · 14/10/2016 08:55

I am sorry but I think YABU.
It almost sounds like you think that because you have to get up early then everybody else does? If you only had to be up at 7 would you allow your DD to be up at 5:30?
If your DH does evening shifts, even "only" 4 times a week, I completely understand why he doesn't want to get up this early!
Have you really tried leaving your DD in bed? When mine don't want to go back to sleep I open the blinds, light on, give them books, etc, but they are not leaving the bed before 7.

Losgunna · 14/10/2016 09:00

Haven't rtft but coming from the other way around, my dp leaves for work at 7:30, DS typically wakes up between 6:00-6:30. I get up with dp at six, we both have a cuppa and then he gets in the shower and DS wakes up. I sort getting rid of night time nappy/ breakfast/drinks etc while dp gets dried and dressed. I make dp's lunch while DS is eating breakfast.

Our mornings are all quite nice and chilled out, DS almost always eats a second breakfast and I eat mine then too. Breakfast makes dp feel sick so be just has another cup of tea.

All of that being said though, I'm a sahm so I don't have a great rush to have to be washed and dressed and ready to go by a certain time, (though I like to be ready for the day by 9) so it's very easy for us to work it this way.

Ds is starting preschool soon so dp will have to take on a bit more in the morning as I'll have to get me and DS ready to leave by 8:20 at the latest. This will probably mean he makes his own lunch and I drink my second coffee on the walk to school and breakfast when I get home again :)

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 14/10/2016 09:02

I still don't know where we stand on his not getting up when he hasn't been working the night before. He makes no distinction between the two.

TBH 5:30 is too early for me regardless of the time I go to bed... I mean obviously if I have to catch a plane or something I will do it, but if I were your DH I would try to avoid it (but I would offer something else in exchange, maybe you can negotiate a lie in in the weekend for ex!).

I guess my question is do you want him to get up because genuinely you can't get ready and supervise DD or do you want him to be up just because you are up as well?

Ausernotanumber · 14/10/2016 09:04

If I was working late any day (I've done it) it totally fucked up my sleep. I wouldn't be capable of getting up early any day, regardless.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 14/10/2016 09:14

In our house as DH is often out of the door before either DS or I get up (his choice to do early morning gym sessions) leaving me to get us both up and out of the door. On occasional days when I don't need to be up early but DH is trying to get himself and DS ready I do resent him trying to drag me into it to make his life easier when I manage solo much of the time. Yes it's a pain trying to get ready and sort out a toddler at the same time but it's doable.

Original poster
StrongTeaHotShower · 14/10/2016 09:16

Living she really does slow me down. I'd appreciate the attention being taken off me by him. She's a demanding little madam first thing.

If she was waking up at 7am and I was leaving at 07:30 (so a more reasonable waking hour) would your responses have differed?

I felt that the parent doing the childcare that morning should be the one to get up with dd but I see all your points.

OP posts: