AIBU to feel like I am the only mum feeling like this....

[mummyneedssupport]

My son is lovely, funny and lazy and sometimes rude and goes to school without any problems. I am hoping this is normal(ish) so far for a 14 year old. Over the past two weeks I have had a phone call home EVERY day to tell me he has done this, done that, kicked him, run away from a teacher. Today, I am told that they are investigating something else and they can't tell me what it is? I have been worried sick all day waiting for the next call. I know he is hanging round with the 'wrong type' but I can't ban him from seeing them as he wants to be with them. I want him to make the right choices himself and understand that bad choices mean consequences. I don't shout, I don't argue, I just calmly discuss each event until I feel we have made progress. This obviously isn't working and I worried that this phase will see him suspended. He is clever but it seems like he has gone into a teenage boy bubble and I am not sure what to do. No dad at this house to help.......

We all feel a bit lost sometimes.

What punishments have been put in place by you and the school?

Same here.

Went from reasonably engaged child to total can't be bothered.

However it does seem to come in cycles and we get a period of getting up without (much) complaint.
Homework done with minimal reminding - trying to show him that if you do it now then you have your weekend free for chilling.

Calls from the school for various things - including lead poisoning which we think was an attempt to dodge a Spanish test.
I think they make it through to the other side ok - my brothers did.

Sorry you're having a hard time. Single parenting, especially that of teenage boys, is so hard.

What consequences are you giving at home when he has played up at school? Revolving tech is a good one at this age - school need to be supported as there is a limit to the punishments they can give before you very into the realms of exclusions - you can punish better! Also, he's still a child and needs guidance, nothing wrong with you telling him he shouldn't be hanging out with x because s/he is a bad influence.

*Removing not revolving!

What had the school said about his behaviour in the past?

I have tried saying not to hang round with them, I tried talking to one of the parents and she turned out to be more of a nutcase than her son! I have ensured he comes home earlier, stays in after school Sun-Thursday. On a weekend he is off on his bike rings in to let me know where he is and I check on find my phone and he is telling the truth.....he is in isolation today and tomorrow so I am expecting him to play up in the morning. He always seems to be there by association...not as a leader. It is making me feel so sad and useless. I will have to take away the Xbox and ground him at the weekend but I hate it as it spoils mine too as a result!!

School say he is a lovely boy but making seriously bad decisions.....and there will be serious consequences if he continues. This could really mess up his education and success :(

Can't say for sure but maybe he is hoping secretly that you will put your foot down and make the decisions for him? Perhaps he's starting the "rebellion" thing by pushing to see how much you're willing to "do" for him? Like toddlers, who push boundaries to see how far you'll stretch.

Might be worth a go?

It's easy to say don't worry, but this isn't unusual or abnormal believe me! I always say that schools should have learned about teenagers by now, they don't seem to though.

DH and I both hated school (ran away played hooky etc.) and are both successful people . Therefore we gave out dcs their heads. They are also successful adults in their own ways. Don't worry too much.

A lot of adolescents don't like or listen to parents or authorities. I home schooled ds, he became so interested in his own passions like astronomy, music,cooking etc. the inspector said he knew more than most children of his age (he was 14).

One thing that did help with mine was to make it absolutely clear that I will never listen to any excuses about "so and so made me do it" or "so and so does it too". I was not interested in how ds' little friends behaved: if he misbehaved, my wrath would come down on his head, and on his alone. Even if he hung out with Attila the Hun, I would still expect him to keep to proper standards.

Having said that, there is absolutely nothing that says you can't quietly try to encourage other interests and other circle of friends. A hobby or sport he can take pride in might help a lot.

I think we all feel a bit lost sometimes. I was having the same feelings when DS2 had trouble fitting in at primary school (ASD). It all sorted itself out in the end. To me, it does seem like his friends are probably influencing his behaviour a bit (trying to impress them) but the school are probably just being a bit shirty about it. We have to these days. Things we'd normally turn a blind eye to have to be reported now, sadly.

Thanks for your replies. The latest phone call was over nothing and school made me wait 4 hours feeling upset to tell me that he talked in detention. Just spoken at length with him and he says he wants to be good and will look at lunchtime activities and see where that takes him. I think I'll put a reward scheme in place as well as punishments for any more phone calls. Feeling better and I think I can face another day..... Us mums have to strong 💪 even if we are feeling rubbish....I'll also go into school and decide an action plan

IMO A lot of people forget how they behaved as teenagers.Apart from locking them in their rooms all the time you can't stop the 'wrong' dcs influencing them. We sent our ds to private school and he got in with the wrong types, he was sacked from there and there were no spaces in our local schools. Which would have been worse actually. So as I said I home eded him. He's a rebel but he's brilliant now, a good dad and spiritual in ways we wouldn't have chosen for him but it's his life.

Ds2 was a nightmare for his teachers in secondary, the school's number was always listed as most used number on any phone bill as they called at least once every day. He was asked to leave early although not excluded and went back for his GCSEs.He was the ringleader though rather than a follower. He's 27 and now has a degree, a masters (funded by his employer) and his employer is now funding another degree level qualification so he came good in the end.
My tip, after coming out the other side so to speak, would be to keep communication lines open. Let him see you as his ally rather than someone else to rebel against. I stopped punishing ds at home for his "crimes" in school because it made no difference to his behaviour in school and made us all miserable instead. I encouraged him to do sport outside of school and rewarded any glimmer of improvement at school (he produced fantastic work when he felt like it) and listened to him.
I don't think school suits all teenage boys tbh ds was bored a lot of the time so entertained himself by running amok with his band of mates (none of them turned out badly either) Sometimes it's a case of gritting your teeth and getting through it. Ds started weeks into y7 at least you might only have two years of it.

Be careful not to let your feeling of him being a good boy cloud your judgement.

What I mean is: he may have been good up till now, but he's not at the moment!

It's very easy to blame the wrong crowd. But he's part of that crowd now!

I'm not saying your son is a horrible person, I'm just saying hoping that it's a phase on the basis that he used to be really well behaved won't help him.

Yes Insanityis My father was a teacher in secondary school and he reckoned that between the ages of 13 and 18 dcs should be on work experience . He said ' It's a waste of time trying to teach them in class' , and those were the days when dcs were beaten in school

This is a bit 'off the cuff', and may not be helpful, especially if money is tight, but might be with a try.
Have you thought about him learning a martial art like Karate , judo or Taikwando? A good martial arts school will teach self discipline, is great for boosting self-esteem (which is sometimes an issue with younger teenage boys), maybe get him some different friends and will can become quite absorbing if he gets into it (competitions etc) that would fill up some of the weekends and get him away from the 'bad influences'.
Just a thought.

Thankyou. I will read all this in bed tonight and do my best with your advice. This forum is like a night out with the girls and wine . Pure therapy

ppeat ds definitely shouldn't have been in school, he loved it but he made his teacher's lives hell. He had five years of fun and games whilst the school tried unsuccessfully to rein him in.He'd get detentions booked three week in advance but then they'd send him home five minutes in as he'd have the room in uproar Ironically he works for the LA and at one time he worked in school support each time he phoned his old school they would say "you aren't the insanity's son" with a shudder .

School say he is a lovely boy but making seriously bad decisions.....and there will be serious consequences if he continues. This could really mess up his education and success

Have you said this to him (guess you probably have)

I was so badly behaved in school I look back now and think what on earth?!? I think my parents being over strict with punishing me made it worse though. If it's any consolation I've got a great career now, leader in my field kind of thing and a stable happy family. Definitely second what others say about remaining accessible and keeping communications open!

Were having the same with our DD13 OP.

We have put punishments in place,she's had her phone taken off her,was stopped from going to her best friends last week for a sleepover which they were both really looking forward to,that made me feel like shit for her bestfriend she's lovely and so is her Mum and they both really love our DD.

We've stopped her pocket money,I've said she won't go out to a meal we're going to with friends if she keeps playing up,she knows she could miss out on getting the Halloween costume she wants,she could miss out on a Halloween party.

We are doing everythink we can for her and 'so are the school now but it's bloody exhausting.

But I no longer make excuses for her OP and you need to think about that when it comes to your son like some other posters have said they get to an age where they need to start making the right decisions for themselves rather than doing something they know they shouldn't just because some of they're friends are.