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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if I am putting men off

78 replies

Circuscats · 12/10/2016 19:08

Rather embarrassingly, I am mid/late thirties and haven't ever had a relationship to speak of. I've never lived with a man and have only had sex in the context of ONSs.

I've been urged to try POF and Match and others and I have ... and they just don't work.

Am I doing something obvious wrong? Friends seem to join and be in a relationship in minutes,

OP posts:

formerbabe · 12/10/2016 19:32

It's not all about looks anyway. I know plenty of gorgeous single people and plenty of less gorgeous married people!

Original poster

Circuscats · 12/10/2016 19:34

Thanks :) Well, I thought the photos were okay - fairly flattering ones, but it seems the blokes don't agree

When I message them I get ignored!

My profile is fairly light. I do try to be honest in that I want a relationship. Maybe that's the problem. But I'm not sure how many men read my profile - I think most just look at the pictures.

OP posts:

FlabulousChic · 12/10/2016 19:36

Maybe you come across as real independent. Men generally older like a woman they can mould into what they want rather than one who already has a personality

Sparklesilverglitter · 12/10/2016 19:37

Maybe try different sites? maybe your on the wrong ones

How about looking up any speed dating nights in your area? Or joining some classes for something you like, you never know?

TiggyD · 12/10/2016 19:37

Hard to say a great deal without seeing the profile. What else are you doing to get a man? Friends of friends? Singles nights?

MardyGrave · 12/10/2016 19:40

What's your work situation like? That's a natural place for people to mix.

Social life? Do you have any male friends? Where are you going out?

Afterthestorm · 12/10/2016 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Circuscats · 12/10/2016 19:41

Problem is I've tried them all! and it has impacted on my confidence as I just now think I'm too ugly to date

OP posts:

Original poster

Circuscats · 12/10/2016 19:42

Oh no, definitely not I hate them too!

OP posts:

Sparklesilverglitter · 12/10/2016 19:43

Oh circus I don't know what to say.

Online dating can be tough

Original poster

Circuscats · 12/10/2016 19:43

No, it's helpful.

Problem is I find the 'hows u' bunch give you nothing back. Then when I do actually try to talk to someone they either ignore me or tell me I'm not their type!

OP posts:

DoItTooJulia · 12/10/2016 19:45

You need to sell yourself a bit.

Would you be a good partner? Would a man be lucky to have you?

I don't mean lie, or pretend to be someone you're not, but just be confident in your own loveliness and make sure that come across in any profiles and chats.

I also remember a piece of advice that I was told that I think was actually really good. Don't go looking for men in places you dont want to be, so if you're not into clubbing (or don't want a man that's into clubbing) don't go clubbing looking for your partner to be. So if you like swimming, go swimming! And if you find a man at swimming, wahey! If not, at least you're doing something you like.

I think one of the most attractive things ever is somebody who is lovely being lovely and is comfortable with themselves and it shows. Iyswim. I've had wine.

here's hoping you have some luck soon!

Somerville · 12/10/2016 19:47

Have you got a really honest but trustworthy friend who can look over your pictures and description for OLD?

And go and have a read of the long OLD threads on here, to get a feel for the kind of messages people send and the way it works.

This takes guts, and not for the faint hearted. But someone I know a bit emailed recently to say she was looking for a relationship and struggling to meet single men and then thought that some of her friends might have single male friends who could be interested in dates. She included a photo.
I was so in awe of her bravery that I asked around my chap's friends and she has a lunch date set up with one of them.

I don't think I could have done that though.

Redesul · 12/10/2016 19:47

What are the sorts of people you message like? Do you look for the same things each time? Also, and this will sound very stereotypical, but what do they look like? I find generally the planer, less obviously attractive men are a lot nicer. Looks don't mean everything, and if you like them for who they are, you will like the way they look. The more obviously attractive men I've found to be mostly douches, very dim or way too into themselves.

Also, how long do you try for before giving up? Friend of mine tried for about a year or two before meeting somebody, now they've been together 10+ years . He almost gave up after 6 months

loobyloo1234 · 12/10/2016 19:50

Circus

Go onto the Relationships board ... there's an OLD thread Lots of good (and some not so good) advice

And for goodness sake, stop being so harsh on yourself

TiggyD · 12/10/2016 19:50

Lots of weirdos, socially inept, losers, and fantasists on dating sites. How about something like this as an opening line on your profile:

"if anybody wants to contact me for a chat or to find out more about me, great! But please don't send me a message that simply says "Hows u" or "wassup?". Please use whole sentences like a grown up, and imagine you're talking to me in person."

Or something similar.

TiggyD · 12/10/2016 19:51

And if all else fails, I'll marry you.

Afterthestorm · 12/10/2016 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happyandsingle · 12/10/2016 19:53

I can totally relate to your post op. apart from one 5 year relationship that ended late twenties I've been pretty much single and I'm 37. I do have my dd though but I just don't seem to have much luck with dating.
I don't know what advice to give as I'm pretty much in the same situation
Ito easy for people to say not to take it personal but when it just doesn't seem to happen it can be soul destroying.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 12/10/2016 19:55

I know it works for some people but I was single for a good few years in my 30s and friends really pushed old on me - I found it horrendous . I'm an introvert. The idea of going out and dating was grim. I went speed dating with a mate and that was grim too. Grim grim men in tight shirts with gym biceps, and the majority of them were thick and/or hated women. One speed dating chap spent his three minutes telling me how his ex had screwed him over and didn't even ask my name. One of the most depressing nights I've ever had.

What kind of person are you? What kind of bloke are you looking for? Where are you looking? I say this because I'm a scientist. I was looking for someone who was also introverted, serious but funny, highly intelligent and slightly nerdy. I figured my chances weren't high finding said man in bars and clubs.
What kind of bloke are you after? What's his natural habitat? Most of my relationships (not that there have been that many) have spring from meeting men hiking, climbing or working (I'm a scientist.) join a club, but not a craft one (no men there.) something like hiking or climbing, canoeing, geological society etc tends to attract men who aren't twats.
I met dh at work when I'd put four stone on and frankly looked the worst I ever have in my life. Don't get too hung up on looks.

Slave2thecat · 12/10/2016 19:56

I found that I needed to message men on old first - and I always asked an interested question about them to give them something to answer.

Edit your profile regularly keeps it too of the list on many sites. Get a male friend to read it for a make perspective on what you are trying to say. Don't say to much.

I didn't have any proper relationships until I met my now DH online (eharmony) when I was 34.

Stick with it!

SilverHawk · 12/10/2016 19:57

Are you urban or rural?
Full of fashion or happy in wellies?
Practical? or a wimp?
Not all men like confidence but they don't like hard work.
And please use a name that has nothing to do with cats however much you love them.
PS Circus doesn't have brilliant connotations either...clowns, anyone?

UseTheForceBen · 12/10/2016 19:58

Have you been to any of the local activities that these sites organise e.g. Walking, bowling etc

SilverHawk · 12/10/2016 19:58

TheHubble makes a very good point.

TheVirginQueen · 12/10/2016 20:06

I've met up with about 14 men in the last 15 months of OLD and I'd recommend a few things.

With men being the way society allows men to be, ie, comfortable having their own agenda, don't ever pretend that you aren't looking for a relationship if you are. Be unapologetic about wanting that.

Read a book called "Attached" by Rachel Heller and Adam Levine. It was one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read. It made me realise that ambivalence triggers 'butterflies' in me because of my parents' parenting of me. It was hard to answer the questions because I had so few relationships to use as a basis for how I felt/acted/reacted in a relationship, but I managed to answer (up to a point) and still benefit from the book. It really finally gave me something close to an explanation for why I've had so few relationships that felt real.

I also set myself goals, like, you can't control what other people do, so there's no point setting a goal such as ''go on ten dates this year'' but you can set yourself a goal like ''message ten really interesting men''. If you identify the men you're going to write to first, and then when you have added them all to your favourites, start writing the messages. That way, if you fire off ten messages all at once and only get 2 replies you don't feel too glum.

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