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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't work but an excuse to socialise?

17 replies

DaniSecker · 12/10/2016 15:54

So dp works as a filmmaker, but mostly a SAHD. I go out to work, and the main breadwinner although he does occasionally bring money in. Anyway, so he quite often has to 'meet someone to go over something' related to film making. He never seems to know what time he's going to be home. Right now, he's in nandos with a couple he's been friends with for a while now, 'going over stuff' and so far this 'meeting' has taken about 4 hours. Is it just me or is he using the excuse of work to go out and meet his friends for a natter, with a bit of serious work related conversation thrown in? I don't mind if he wants to go out with his friends, of course I don't. But I don't like that he goes out all day under the pretence of work, not giving me a time he's going to be home, even though he knows what time dinner will be on the table.
If you're meeting friends just say so!

OP posts:

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 12/10/2016 16:02

YATBU

Original poster

DaniSecker · 12/10/2016 16:06

Sorry I'm still getting with the abbreviations 😂 what does this mean? Xx

OP posts:

pipsqueak25 · 12/10/2016 16:23

yanbu, what sort of films is he making ?

Original poster

DaniSecker · 12/10/2016 16:27

Well it sounds like I'm putting him down and I honestly don't mean to, but they're passion projects, like, things he can enter into festivals to get noticed. But he does a lot of shorts which as far as I can tell, are just ways to keep him bumped on YouTube, keep himself busy and keep himself relevant. But the snappy, skint side of me calls it 'messing around with mates and a camera' 😂 in all seriousness he's good at what he does and I have every faith in him, but it bugs me when he's constantly on his phone yapping away to these people then spend hours with them aswell

OP posts:

myownprivateidaho · 12/10/2016 16:28

Yes I think you are being very unreasonable actually. In creative professions there are going to be brainstorming sessions and networking opportunities and yes even socialising that is aimed at getting funding and investment. If you don't trust your dh that's a problem (maybe a problem caused by him idk) but presuming that he is generally honest I think it's really horrible to second guess him like this.

burningahole · 12/10/2016 16:31

This is a worry of mine. I'm mainly a SAHM but getting started on a freelance basis in an industry that requires lots of networking.

Experienced people have told me they built connections for up to a year before anybody commissioned their services. So I'm doing lots of coffees and visits and events which cost money but have no guarantee of getting me closer to making it.

DH is very supportive but I don't want it to get to the point where he feels I'm taking the piss.

myownprivateidaho · 12/10/2016 16:35

Xpost. I think you either support him and trust him to have a career or you don't. Fair enough if you want to say that this job is not working for the family - he's not performing his role as sahd or he needs to go out and get a higher paying job. You can put that out there and renegotiate. But if you're saying ok, be a sahp while also keeping your hand in filmmaking, you don't get to say what meeting are relevant or not. How would you like it if he told you how to do your job? And if he wants to make it as a filmmaker, doing small projects while being a sahd with a view to taking on more demanding work when the kids are older seems completely sensible.

NapQueen · 12/10/2016 16:38

Depends.

I mean, is he not allowed to just socialise? As a SAHd I assume he is contributing by shouldering most of the childcare and domestic chores when he isn't film making?

Original poster

DaniSecker · 12/10/2016 16:47

Before anyone gets this twisted I am very supportive. Our whole relationship (8 years) apart from a two year period working in an office, he has pursued this dream and I have worked to support our family. It's not an issue about trust, or money (that's a separate thread altogether) but he's meeting friends, who also happen to have the same interests. He chats to them constantly on Facebook, and on Skype, about non related stuff. Please don't get me wrong on this. When he has funding and collective and networking stuff, like he's on the radio quite often and he does alot of filming, I'm more than supportive. I put my own money in, I've even helped on set or as a camera operative at weddings for example and I have no interest in it whatsoever.

OP posts:

SpringerS · 12/10/2016 16:48

You are possibly being unreasonable. DH is a tv/film professional (he's fairly successful and high earning enough for us to be extremely comfortable with him as the sole earner) and socialising/networking is a huge part of his job. So while it's possible that your DH is just socialising, it's also very possible that he's doing an essential part of his job.

Original poster

DaniSecker · 12/10/2016 16:52

Springer, can I ask (because sometimes I really struggle, I'm not going to lie) how long it took for your husband to be successful? Because it feels like this takes a very long time, with very little back :( like I said I'm very supportive but I'm not going to lie when I say I'm getting impatient.
And tbh no he probably doesn't do the majority of childcare and housework, it's pretty evenly spread as I do 3 long days which amount to full time, so 4 days I'm home.

OP posts:

SpringerS · 12/10/2016 21:19

He started work straight out of college as an apprentice with a production company. He left that in under a year because he felt exploited and went freelance. Freelance was a gamble because it meant he got to work on some amazing projects but could be out of work for long periods between. When I met him, he was 24 and had worked as an assistant on a few national tv shows, some BBC documentary packages, a bunch of adverts and a major Hollywood movie. He was just finishing up on a tv show when we met and he was mostly out of work for 6 months before he got his next tv show. He was lucky that time though, as he'd filmed an incident right at the start of his unemployment that was particularly newsworthy and made a huge amount of money selling it to news stations.

So after another couple of years of being in and out of work, he was able to use his news contacts and secured work freelancing in rolling news between 'proper' gigs. That helped keep him sane and us solvent as my wages couldn't have supported us both in London when he went months and month between proper jobs. But tbh, he hates rolling news. It sounds quite different to your husband though as my husband mainly works as an employee on a project someone else is spearheading. I think that's probably easier* in terms of making a living, than trying to get your own projects off the ground and having success with them.

Original poster

DaniSecker · 12/10/2016 22:48

Wow, what an incredible journey. Yeah he tends to do his own work rather than other people's, although he has done music videos and commercials and things like that. Do you think living in London helped? Or any major city? We've been arguing for years now about where to live, he wants to move to somewhere like Bristol as he's more likely to network with the right people. It's true to say he's exhausted his contacts here. But I'm not in a high paid job at all, I have transferable skills and won't struggle to get a job but only if I earned enough in line with the higher expense of working in a city. I'm also reluctant to move away from family and friends for his dream, not mine. He's said he'd find a job too, but he doesn't do that where we live now so why would I believe anything would change?
Sorry I'm ranting now 😂

OP posts:

user1476140278 · 12/10/2016 22:52

It sounds more like you're getting sick of him not earning. I'm a writer OP...I've had a few publications and some of my work broadcast but DH has been supporting me in my quest for a few years now.

And he's getting a bit sick of it now....fair enough. So I've got a part time job and I'm looking for another so that I can help more.

It sounds like your DH needs to do that.

OliviaBenson · 12/10/2016 22:52

Rant away op. It's all about him isn't it? It would kill any respect I have.

To be honest, if he has exhausted all contacts where you are, maybe it's time to reassess whether this is actually a realistic career.

Do you get much time for yourself?

TheSparrowhawk · 12/10/2016 22:55

It sounds like you've shouldered almost the entirety of the responsibility for keeping your family afloat while he's chased his dream. It's no wonder you're not happy that he spends hours 'networking' at Nando's. It is a massive luxury for him to essentially do as he pleases while you pick up all of the slack.

Electrolens · 13/10/2016 19:00

Hi OP, I work in the same industry.

It is really tough. But most freelances I know support themselves (because they need to) or part support themselves (because partner can't afford to support them both). That can mean doing non-ideal jobs ie rolling news like Dani's dp or adverts. I know someone who works pretty much full time as a freelance film editor but has just finished their first feature film - they made it during breaks from film editing and it took about eight years.

So in answer to your op - I think you may be being a bit U in that networking and socialising is hugely important...but I also think you and your dp need to have a an honest coversation about how you both feel - if you don't feel you can or want to support him indefinitely you need to say so. I also think it's tough to establish a career in this industry outside a city. I think he needs to reevaluate where he's at and seriously think about how the next eight years are going to pan out....you sound v supportive.

And networking can be important but its not the most important thing. That is to work bloody hard and produce content.

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