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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To encourage Dd to invite new girl to her birthday party.

25 replies

listsandbudgets · 12/10/2016 09:29

Dd is in year 6 and a new girl has just joined her class. ( will call her becky)

Dd was writing a list of girls she wants to invite to her birthday party last night - 3 classes in year group and she was inviting a few from each and I asked if she would like to invite Becky.

She said "I like her mum but she's a bit shy so not sure if I want her there"

I've left it for now but I'm wondering if I should push it a bit further. It won't help becky's shyness of she keeps being left out because she is shy BUT it is dd's party not

OP posts:

Original poster

listsandbudgets · 12/10/2016 09:30

Sorry ..
Not mine

OP posts:

Leviticus · 12/10/2016 09:32

YANBU.

It is your DD's party but by the sounds of it she has been able to choose lots of friends already. It would be a really kind thing to do and a good example to your DD about how to treat others.

steppemum · 12/10/2016 09:34

it is a nice idea, and I might suggest it again, and say how nice it would be for becky to come and get to know the others a bit, but in year 6, I wouldn't force it, I would let he make the final decision.

Mouseinahole · 12/10/2016 09:34

Yes , don't insist but encourage your daughter to be kind to the new girl. Becky may be shy because she is new and a party could be just what she needs to help her feel included in her new school. Perhaps ask your dd how she would feel in Becky's position. It would be a very thoughtful thing to do.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/10/2016 09:36

YANBU. It would be the decent thing to do. It's not going to have any effect on the party whether she's there or not, but it might make the world of difference to the shy new girl.

Muggins68 · 12/10/2016 09:57

If your daughter likes the new girl why does she not want her at party just because she is shy? I don't think you should leave it but discuss why she would want to leave out a shy girl.
There is nothing wrong with being shy , better than being loud and pushy

LC01 · 12/10/2016 10:02

This is the sort of thing I encourage my DD to do. I think it sets a good example to your daughter. Nobody likes being the 'new girl', and this would a great way to help her settling and make new friends.

Bring the subject up again, and encourage her think what it would be like if she was Becky.

hippoesque · 12/10/2016 10:15

I do this with my DS, after he's written his close friends names we sit down and think about who hasn't been invited before/who's having a hard time at school/new children etc.
I hope it teaches him to be friendly and kind, school can be horrible if you're always being left out

Dontpanicpyke · 12/10/2016 10:20

Yes I would have encouraged my kids to do this too if there's room and not restricted numbers.

It's a kind thought and kids need to be taught to be kind and thoughtful.

BabyGanoush · 12/10/2016 10:22

You can encourage

But ultimately it's your DD's decision

KC225 · 12/10/2016 10:23

I have done this, although mine are younger than your DD. I say imagine how hard it is when everyone has made friends already and you join and don't know anyone. I think it encourages empathy. Don't force your DD to invite Becky but you can give her a gentle reminder

ChewBecca32 · 12/10/2016 10:46

I have just had this issue with my dd who is in y5. She is having a Halloween party and inviting a few boys and girls from her class. The day after giving them out she said she felt bad because there was a new boy who seemed really nice but hadn't made any special friends yet and she wanted to ask him too. We gave him an invite and his mum texted me to say how happy he (and she) was. Gave me a warm glowy feeling hope he doesn't turn out to be nightmare kid from hell

Original poster

listsandbudgets · 12/10/2016 11:09

Thank you all for replying. Its unusual because she's normally quite thoughtful about the needs of other people and has made a point of inviting new children in teh past.

She did say after breakfast that she and her best friend would try to sit with Becky at lunch today as they thought she looked a bit lonely yesterday (they couldn't move as they were on table duty with year 1s) so hopefully she's going to come to a conclusion for herself

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quasibex · 12/10/2016 11:18

Definitely encourage your daughter to invite 'Becky' my friend's children have had to move school in years 5 and 6 because the LA failed to place her youngest in their school despite it being the closest to her home and in catchment (with two siblings in attendance we were disgusted but that's another thread). Her daughter is feeling bereft without her school friends and I know a party invitation would make her feel like she had a chance of making new friends in her new school. It's an act of small kindness that could mean the world to someone else.

Don't force her though or it could backfire on 'Becky'

redskytonight · 12/10/2016 12:06

I don't think you can force friendships in Y6, and I wouldn't force her to invite the new girl unless she wants to. Apart from anything else, it's going to be really horrible for the girl going to a party where no one really wants her there.

That said, it 's a real shame that the girl is left on her own, that the school haven't made more of an effort to integrate her, and good that your DD is planning to include her more. As a point of comparision, DD (also Y6) has had 2 new girls in her class this term, and both are already firmly part of friendship groups .

user1476140278 · 12/10/2016 12:10

Oh God yes do it. My DD had to begin a new school at 11 and thank goodness the girls there were friendly. It's a hard age.

wigglesrock · 12/10/2016 12:14

I think it needs to be left up to your daughter and I mean without gentle encouragement whether or not to invite "Becky". Your daughter is only inviting a few kids from each class. Is she not inviting someone she is friendlier with to invite Becky ? (numbers wise).

What's year 6 ? (9/10 year olds). I think you're micromanaging friendships a bit. It's up to your daughter who to invite. It's not like she's inviting most of the class and leaving "Becky" out is it?

Dontpanicpyke · 12/10/2016 12:23

She might be worried she had to babysit this girl at her own party instead of enjoying herself so if she does invite her you might need to do this in her behalf if needed.

Wrinklytights · 12/10/2016 12:27

Yanbu to encourage her further. Your DD sounds like a thoughtful girl so hopefully she will continue to make the effort with this new girl.

Chocolatecake12 · 12/10/2016 12:29

As a parent of a child who had changed schools due to moving to a new area, I can't tell you how happy I was when he got his first invite!
During our life's we will always experience being the new person - at jobs, at groups etc. I'm sure by encouraging your dd to include her it will make her be friendly to new faces in her life in the future.

FeelingSmurfy · 12/10/2016 12:35

If you have given her a number of invites, could you allow her an extra person if it's the new girl

I would praise her trying and suggest that maybe she is shy because everyone else has known each other for a very long time and she doesn't know anyone

Lymmmummy · 12/10/2016 13:35

Ask one more time then let your DD come to her own conclusion. I think this is fair unless DD is planning to invite all the girls in the class or the majority of the class. If DD doesn't want Becky at the party could you invite her for tea in another day

I encourage this type of thing myself but you also need to be realistic that it is not always reciprocated. I invited the new boy to my DS birthday party in reception year - but when it came to new boys party he invited a fair number of boys from the class but not my son - I see them both play after school and they get on so not sure why he didn't make the cut for new boys party. If I was the parents I would have reciprocated the invite because I did do them a favour by inviting their son to my DS party as it provided them the opportunity to meet the other parents. Anyway I appreciate no obligation to reciprocate invites but just saying if your DD doesn't want Becky their perhaps it's fair enough and you can't assume your kindness will lead to anything so I would not force the issue.

AbyssinianBanana · 12/10/2016 13:45

You don't mention if you have your DD a max number of guests. If she's carefully picking friends and she has a friend whose birthday party she may have attended in the past...will she need to explain to any of her friends that she couldn't invite them due to restricted numbers? And how will they feel if she then invites a new girl, who is basically a potential new friend rather than an existing one?

megletthesecond · 12/10/2016 13:50

Yanbu.

DS is sorting out his football party and he was going to inadvertently leave out only one boy in his class because he doesn't really like football . So we've had a chat about how he might just like to come for the games, see his friends and have party food. I'll keep my eye out for him if he's a fish out of water. And so he'll be invited.

Original poster

listsandbudgets · 12/10/2016 19:27

She came home and before I even mentioned it said she wanted to ask Becky to her party :)

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