AIBU to think that having an affair is not comparable to running up credit card debts?

[whatthefuckjusthappened]

I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair. It's been fucking awful. I knew that we were having problems but thought that we were going to work through them, not that he was looking outside the marriage.

During an early 'all cards on the table, let's be honest' conversation, I confessed to him that I have run up a couple of credit card debts. We are polar opposites with money - he is careful/tight/worries about it, and I like to spend. I have admitted that my spending is a problem and that I think I do it to fill a void because I have been depressed, as well as to get the things that I want to buy that he would say no to. The debts have been on two cards and all in my name. I have said that I would want help to conquer this issue and am prepared to seek that.

With this information, I feel that he is now minimising and deflecting away from his affair to what I have done. I am trying my best to get us on an even keel and into counselling so that we can move forward amicably, whether together or apart. But he is still not being transparent about his affair, or giving me any time or space I think I (and our children) need.

For instance, we are only two and a half weeks on from me finding out about his affair - he has been staying with a friend, but is pressuring me to have a key to our house (I changed the locks) and to be able to hang out in our house with the children when he sees them, rather than take them out, or to his friends house, or to his parents house. I have said no for the moment until things are more settled, but he is being very bullying and cruel about it.

So, I guess I'm asking if I am unreasonable to think that his affair, and my debt, are in the same ball park? Do you think he is right to compare them and that it takes away from what he has done?

Please be honest with me, but gentle as I am not in a good place at all at the moment.

Thanks.

Thanks again for all the comments.

Just to clarify, my husband knew about the first lot of debt and was brilliant in helping me clear it. I kept the second two secret and felt awful about it. I kept quiet because I didn't think he'd understand, he'd be angry, and I thought it would spell the end of our marriage.

I've wanted us to get counselling for a long time and hoped that part of this would help me to understand why I spend and find a way to stop.

When I found out about the affair and we were seeming to talk about it honestly (I since found out he was still lying) I knew that I had to tell him there and then, so I did. I feel that I have been apologetic and open and honest from here on in, but don't feel the same way about my husband and the affair.

The issue with the key was that after another drip fed revelation I was in deep shock that there was yet more that he was hiding and I felt like I didn't know him at all. He has been seeing the children most days, putting them to bed, etc. But seeing him here so often is messing with my head - I'll be having a strong day and then I'll end up uncontrollably sobbing. It's still early days and therefore to be expected, but a lot of that change in my mood is down to how I feel he is with me when I see him.

If I'm crying constantly then it has an impact on the children, and is quite possibly confusing for them seeing him here so often?

I don't know the right or wrong answer here, that's why I'm posting.

But for me at the moment I don't want him to have a key or to be here in the house, unless I have agreed it. It's just too messy otherwise. And I'm not saying that it will always be like this, just that I feel like that at the moment. I know he has a right to a key, but I want him to respect what I feel I and the children need at the moment.

But for me at the moment I don't want him to have a key

So continue breaking the law then....

He has every right to a key or to even live there.

You knew the debt was a big issue and could end your marriage so you kept it secret.

You are both responsible for this situation.

But for me at the moment I don't want him to have a key

You have no right to do this. I suspect he'd be within his rights to gain access and put new locks on himself. I know I would.

Themore
My husband doesn't withhold money for essentials, I just feel that I don't have any say in how we spend it, and that if I ask for us to spend on a day out, etc, that the answer is always no. We are polar opposites financially and that has always been a stress

Its not frugality per se that is the problem. I am naturally frugal (and know how easy it would be for me to become controlling about money). Its when frugality moves into total control of the finances that it becomes problematic. It sounds like the OP does not have a voice in how family money is spent. Even if the OP's DH thinks he is doing it for the good of the family etc. he shouldn't be making sole decisions on how family money is spent. It bothers me that the OP refers to him not withholding money for essentials - he shouldn't have the power to withhold money at all. If you then think about the day out comment - why should he decide?

he shouldn't have the power to withhold money at all. If you then think about the day out comment - why should he decide?

Not that simple though is it?

OP says she has run up debts before that her H had to help pay off.

This is now the third time she has done it.

OP is an over spender. Maybe they can't afford the day out etc.

Piglet
I understand what you mean. However, unless the OP has agreed to that approach, it is infantalising to take control of everything. In the long run it wouldn't deal with overspending just mean it happens in another way.

Maybe the dh can say "we can't afford the day out" and whattheuck can say "well, if we take our own sandwiches and use this voucher I think we probably can" etc. I don't get the impression she gets the opportunity to say much at all.

Whatthefuck, I think your overspending is likely to be linked to the helplessness you feel with regard to family spending.

Do you feel fulfilled by your marriage and family? Do you get much say in other things?

No, it's not a good marriage and hasn't been for some time. I've been saying I'm unhappy for years and my husband has been saying that he is, so it must be me and I'm never fucking happy.

The money thing has always been a huge issue, and I don't feel like I have a voice in money matters, or most other matters. I think I'd kind of given up trying to be heard.

Finally this year he agreed that we need to work on things. Things just got worse - I suppose because the affair was taking up all his time.

But I never wanted to walk away from my marriage without being able to say that I tried, and I don't feel that we have really tried yet.

I don't think we can save it, to be honest, which makes me very sad, because I think if he'd taken my fears seriously a few years ago we may have stood a chance.
But I want to explore and understand and feel like I have some closure and some peace with this all.

YANBU.

It's 'thou shalt not commit adultery', not 'thou shalt not go crazy with a platinum card'.

Running up CC debt is never good, but it's in your own name, and as long as you can make headway into paying that debt down, without sacrificing security etc. It's not the same at all.

For me the debt would be a huge deal breaker. A few thousand each time is £10k+. How are you going to pay that back, how long will it take and what impact will it have on your family. Financial problems wreck marriages just as much as fidelity issues.

There are so many issues here.

Many people who have partners who get into debt, are told to watch their partners spending. A friend of mine dhs had a gambling problem. GA and their counsellor advised her to do this. If dh had got us into loads of debt, I can imagine me taking control of the finances too.

I think the problem is both of you and you are both using the other one as an excuse for poor behaviour.

If I'm crying constantly then it has an impact on the children, and is quite possibly confusing for them seeing him here so often?

Well then control yourself. If how you are acting is upsetting the kids, the answer is not to act illegally, change the locks and refuse him a key.

Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a dick. But it also sounds like you are still making excuses to justify your behaviour. Locking him out of the home isn't for the kids, it's for you.

The debt would bother me more tbh

my dh, through overdraft and credit cards got into a position where a £25000 loan was needed to consolidate the debt

it took 5 years to clear

that was money that couldn't be spent on the house, the kids, the future- just money spent servicing a debt acquired because he is shit with money

The argument that an affair destroys everyone but debt is just personal is bollocks, sorry

if it even looked remotely like it was happening again, I'd leave him so fast his head would spin

I wonder if he is really controlling with money, or just reluctant to let her constantly piss money away on frivolities

It's 'thou shalt not commit adultery', not 'thou shalt not go crazy with a platinum card'.

OP hasn't said what her wedding vows may have incorporated. We don't know what she and DH did or didn't say, so casting up wedding vows that may not even be relevant isn't useful. Also, she hasn't said anything to suggest she/they could make headway into paying the money off, let alone doing so without sacrificing security. That's quite a big assumption.

I echo previous posters OP, I'd tread carefully with the key thing. I understand your feelings, and the decent thing to do since you're the one the kids are living with is for him to stay away. Just don't assume you can enforce it.

Running up CC debt is never good, but it's in your own name

As long as you don't marry. Debt is joint then regardless of whose name its in and can be set again asset if you divorce.

DEBT IS NOT JOINT WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED.

I'm sorry for the capitals, but this comes up so incredibly often and it's wrong. Dangerously so. It's absolutely not.

What is true is that debt can have an impact on joint assets: so for example if you own a house in equal shares, yours isn't up for grabs but your debtor co-owner's might be. Which is why the posts saying it's ok if the debt's in your name alone are missing the mark. However, this would also be true if you were unmarried cohabitants. Being married doesn't change that.