AIBU to think that having an affair is not comparable to running up credit card debts?

[whatthefuckjusthappened]

I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair. It's been fucking awful. I knew that we were having problems but thought that we were going to work through them, not that he was looking outside the marriage.

During an early 'all cards on the table, let's be honest' conversation, I confessed to him that I have run up a couple of credit card debts. We are polar opposites with money - he is careful/tight/worries about it, and I like to spend. I have admitted that my spending is a problem and that I think I do it to fill a void because I have been depressed, as well as to get the things that I want to buy that he would say no to. The debts have been on two cards and all in my name. I have said that I would want help to conquer this issue and am prepared to seek that.

With this information, I feel that he is now minimising and deflecting away from his affair to what I have done. I am trying my best to get us on an even keel and into counselling so that we can move forward amicably, whether together or apart. But he is still not being transparent about his affair, or giving me any time or space I think I (and our children) need.

For instance, we are only two and a half weeks on from me finding out about his affair - he has been staying with a friend, but is pressuring me to have a key to our house (I changed the locks) and to be able to hang out in our house with the children when he sees them, rather than take them out, or to his friends house, or to his parents house. I have said no for the moment until things are more settled, but he is being very bullying and cruel about it.

So, I guess I'm asking if I am unreasonable to think that his affair, and my debt, are in the same ball park? Do you think he is right to compare them and that it takes away from what he has done?

Please be honest with me, but gentle as I am not in a good place at all at the moment.

Thanks.

It is possible to undo credit card debts, it's impossible to undo an affair. YANBU.

Not convinced by this. I know marriages that have repaired themselves (with hard work) after an affair. I know marriages that haven't been able to get past financial problems.

Both situations require a lot of work to get past and to regain trust.

Well as someone who's XH had an affair and also ran up massive debts behind my back (Gambling addict) I can tell you that the affair was far far worse. I felt utterly betrayed and considered it an unforgivable breach of trust.

The debts I found out about before the affair and I was happy to help him try to get the finances in order, write letters to creditors make monthly payments of what he could afford etc. I considered him to have been foolish but not unforgivably so. The affair I knew I could never get past, hence we divorced.

Your partner is minimising his affair; it is a totally different thing, and he is trying to make you feel guilty.
As an aside after I found out about my XH's affair, I found out he'd been carrying on with other women for years and I didn't know it.

Once a cheater always a cheater in my book, I wouldn't trust him an inch. Sorry - but plain speaking now might save you some hurt in the long run.

Sending best wishes that you can sort out a way of going forward that suits your needs. Don't let him bully you into anything you don't want to do. Two weeks is very early days and you will be in shock. Make decisions in your own time, don't be pressured by him. Good luck.

They are both symptoms of a lack of trust with one another.

I don't think you can say one is worse than the other.

I have had a long term partner been unfaithful and divorced an exh for debt problems. The debts whilst in his name took years to untangle from and am now less trusting financial than I am about infidelity. Both are issues of trust. I have seen relationships come back from both, some to be better than before.

I am not quite sure why he is denied access to the children in your (and his) house?
I am really sorry about your situation.
I am frugal and careful and if my husband ran up debts without me knowing (also matters if it's the first occasion or if that sort of thing happened in the past) I would be furious to the point of divorce.
Affair though is 100% divorce so affair is worse if I had to compare.

I don't think it really matters. It isn't a competition. You need to decide how to draw a line under what has happened and decide how you move on from here. Whether that is separation, divorce, reconciliation, counselling, or whatever. You've obviously had a shit time of things. Tit for tat won't help.

Not the same thing at all, but equally running the debts up isn't great; especially the secrecy of it. But no the two are not really comparable.

How much are the debts and are they manageable? It doesn't make it comparable with the affair but running up say £5k on bits that make you happy is rather different to £200 on food shopping or something.

You've both been dishonest though, at this point it's no good comparing who has been the biggest shit. But I do I hope things work out happily for you and your children

How big are the credit card debts?
An affair for me is a deal breaker.
Credit card debts in my OH name, not so much.
But if it's a big amount and jeopardises my future then that's a deal breaker for me.

The fact he is bullying you and is being cruel is horrendous.
He's fucked another person.
He should be grovelling on his knees and doing all he can to get the trust back and keep you happy.
The fact he is not tells you everything you need to know.

You've both behaved very poorly and shown a lack of respect for each other and for the relationship. I'm not sure it's salvageable, to be honest - either one of those things would be awful on its own and for many couples would prove difficult to get past.

Not the same at all. If you made marriage vows it says 'for richer or poorer' and 'forsaking all others', so in that sense it's pretty clear that he has broken his marriage vows and you haven't. You have broken his trust though - but it is NOT the same thing at all. He cannot undo the affair, you can undo the credit card debt (you don't mention how much it is but you don't give the impression that it's something you'll lose the house over more a question of you buying things you know he wouldn't have approved of). You didn't put it in his name either.

It's a very bad sign that he's trying play tit for tat too.

It depends on the individuals concerned and the exact circumstances concerned surely?

I would find it much harder to forgive credit card debt that had been building up over months/years than a brief, now regretted affair, for example.

You have both done wrong. I personally think an affair is worse than credit card debt but you should both be owning up to what you did and trying to make amends. The fact that you say he is not being transparent and is being cruel and bullying means he's not doing that.

Your debt does not give him a get out of jail free card for his affair, and vice versa.

Being honest is good. Playing each other off with which scores most "bad" points is going to get you nowhere. It actually doesn't matter if one is deemed worse than the other or who did what as what is done is done. If you are looking to repair things stop throwing the blame at each other and start looking for solutions. Sure you have to understand why things have happened and talk them through but just because there is a problem from both sides dont use this to try and negate the problem from the other side in any way. Don't muddy the waters with other issues; deal with each issue separately. If you don't want to/cant repair things then look for a way to move forward with separate lives and find a way to put the issues aside as best you can and with the support that you need.

Sorry you are going through this, I'm sure that this is a huge stress for you and the family.

Lots of people run CC debts.
Very few people have affairs.

Quite a to for peole recover from one partner running up debts. Very few recover from an affair.

Yes you can say it's a breech of trust but not with thr same depth.
CC debt is about financial trust.
An affair is about the whole relationship and about YOU as a person.

Not on the same level at all.

Btw, the people who have had some really massive issues with a partner running up debts are usually people whose rather run HUGE debts. Not a few thousands pounds in two CC.

Credit cards are in the OP's name. None of her partner's business.

Not the case. It is entirely her partners business. My ExH ran up £50k of debt behind my back (credit cards, loans and unauthorised overdrafts) through out marriage. When I divorced him I got stung for 50% as it's a marital debt. None of it was in my name. It's taken 6 years for me to be able to improve my credit.

And the OP has owned up to the issue with CC and is trying to get both her issue wiith spending and how to repay it all under control.
Her DH is doing nothing at all, refuses transparency re his affair.

She is willing to make things work.
he isn't.

Affair is much worse, although both are a breach of trust and wrong.

You are in no legal position to change the locks, expulse him out of his home, and denying him access to his children. Seriously, this is bullying shit too.

An affair is awful, CC debts are awful too, as you both threaten the stability of your family and of your children.

Imo, you both acted deplorably.

OP, did you only mention the debts once you found out about the affair?

It does sound like a breach of trust from both sides, and as it is all pretty new and raw it is likely to be a bit acrimonious - I hope you can all move forward when things calm down.

I would see them both as massive breaches of trust as being fiscally responsible and being loyal are both core values for me. Different people will have a different view.

To me, both things are repugnant and need to be addressed separately. If you keep trying to make the other party out to be the worse one, you won't move past this. You both did bad. Different kinds of bad. They don't offset against each other.

Not comparable but to a certain degre they both involve lies and secrets don't they.

You've both broken trust all be it in different ways

Not compareable but there is similarity. It's broken trust either way. It's keeping secrets either way.
An affair can lead to break down of a family but debt can do that too.

In my eyes both are wrong

I think the variance in approach is a huge issue.

You have the insight to accept that you have an issue and seek help for it.

It sounds like your DH doesn't. That said, I agree that unfortunately it's not possible to exclude him from the house (presuming it is the matrimonial home) unless you can get a court order to that effect which will only be granted in very sorvufyc circumstances. Please don't get into a situation where you are expending legal fees needlessly arguing the toss over this.

Depending of the stats you choose to be believe, between 30-60% of marriages are subject to affairs. I think that is far more of an occurrence than people running up secret credit card debts.
It shouldn't be about point score scoring & which is worse. Both scenarios are deplorable & the impact is subjective to the individual that is impacted. Both however, would be deal breakers for me. Whilst the debt might not be subject to joint & several liability, the impact could potentially go on for a long time, like the sad scenario watching was left with.

Blaming the spending on "filling a void" is sounding like someone minimising an affair due to a lack of sex in a marriage. Not quite on the scale but, the impacts are potentially as negative on a LTR. Lack of trust, can the person afford that gift? Trust completely gone

In a strange way, you have been fortunate to have found out about his infidelity now and not years down the line when your debt could be spiralling out of control and the implications be far worse than an affair.
An affair can make or break a relationship but an insurmountable debt will have repercussions for many years to come whether or not you choose to stay together.
Both in the wrong in equal measure IMHO.