To want to ask some questions before I get pregnant?

[SquawkFish]

So, I (we) have started thinking about maybe trying for a baby next year. We've waited because I was unwell and also we thought it would be good for one of us at least to have completed a PhD (him, last year). I then had an ectopic and realised I also wanted to complete before we tried again.

Here's the thing : the people around us that have had babies seem to really regret it. Last week a colleague returned to College having just had a baby sixish months ago (due just after the one we lost) and didn't have a nice word to say about motherhood or the baby (apart from the baby looks cute).

The whole scenario has made me mull things over in my head (finances, maternity leave, would it be better to wait one more year, coping with no family close by (and a partner who works away a lot), having a career and having a family (am I asking too much?), etc.).

A couple of people have said "just do it, it is what it is" (namely the people who now have regrets) and so I am starting to question - is it unreasonable to raise questions and look for answers to them?

I'm not really feeling comfortable just throwing myself in at the deep end, but also have no freaking idea where is the best place to look for answers (google? here? GP surgery? HR department?)

*not the terrible strain!

Oh and my body was unaffected apart from a few stretch marks. Still size 6-8. Well....
At the moment no.....but I'm pregnant again soooooo

it doesn't have to change your body if you can guarantee that to women you will make yourself very rich.

Why is there one sized mooncup for childless women and a bigger one for those with kids? And with 85% of women needing stitching after a first VB there's a significant chance there'll always be that scarring too.

The changes don't have to be visible but they will be there.

I don't know if my fanny is slightly bigger on the inside.....I'll give you that......but pelvic floor exercises are good.
..think positive!

In answer to coping with no family around- my DH works away during the week, and often busy working at weekends too. We have no local family & never have.

3DCs, I love having kids. Obviously they drive me mad, and there is chaos & noise & washing & more washing & taxiing them everywhere & worry when they're not happy or ill & it costs more & holidays are a logistical nightmare & they WONT STOP WHISTLING ALL THE TIME. ( They're 11,9 & 6)

I am constantly chasing my tail. They can't do all the clubs/ activities they want cos I can't be in more than one place at once. But- you learn to ask favours- and repay as much as possible. My job is term time only, so I repay favours to people in the holidays,
You let things slip that you minded before.
I worked part time after DC1 & DC2, and have recently restarted working again.
Do I wish I had family close? Yes
Do we cope? Yes
We've not ever had anything like nanny/ night nanny.

Finances- yes try and have savings but plenty of people cope without. Don't be afraid of second hand. Clothes/ cots/ Prams etc etc.

The decision to have a baby was made by my biological clock. She arrived when I was 33 after nearly 2 years of trying. DH had given up his job due to ill health and depression and was a full time uni student. Savings blown on tuition fees but babies are as cheap as you need them to be.

Fast forward 9 years and DH has a first, earning more than his old job with no shift work, two gorgeous crazy daughters and a part time job in an NHS research dept. Coasting in my career at the moment to be
fair.

The downsides are the sheer relentless exhaustion for 9 solid years. Both hard work as babies. DD1 has aspergers which has been interesting and totally unexpected. I was on my knees at the 6 month point with each of them. Very likely PND with first.

Still I've bloody done it. Two happy children, stayed in work, still have a social life.

My head would never have chosen this but the children are my greatest achievement. They are fabulous.

Why is there one sized mooncup for childless women and a bigger one for those with kids?

Well, they actually recommend the bigger one if you've had a baby or are over 30. Which I think points to a more general point: yes, having children changes most women's bodies but so does ageing. There are many good reasons not to have children, but wanting to keep the body you had at 26 is a pretty foolish aim in the long run.

Having a baby, particularly a newborn is stressful. And anxiety riddled. It's really fucking hard in the worst parts.

Some people will moan about it as a way of coping, hoping to find someone else having a similar experience to them. Or just to let it out.

But if someone came along and asked me if I'd like to take it all back? No fucking way! DD has been the best thing I've ever done, she brings us so much happiness. I love her more than I've ever loved anything or anyone before. I would lay down my life for her, in a heartbeat.

You won't regret it. The people you've met that seem to regret it: they don't. I promise you.

There's nothing wrong with thinking about it, trying to get the timing right, being sure and careful etc.

Just don't try and wait for the perfect time because there won't be one. There will always be something - a great potential job coming up, a family wedding next year that you don't want to be pregnant for, a holiday you've not yet been on and so on forever.

If you wait for the perfect time, you'll find yourself 40 odd and still childless and panicking IME.

Parenthood is not compulsory. Have a frank talk with your DP. Are you both just assuming the other wants a baby? He might be as relieved as you are to hear you have doubts.

Whether you have them or don't have them, there is no right or wrong answer. There are pros and cons either way.

I've always known children weren't for me. I'd love a child if I had one but I don't want one enough to put up with all the bad points - noise, mess, lack of sleep, no money, being tied to their father.

ive always wanted to be a mam but never been in the right moment. i accidently got pg to my long term partner and suffered an mmc.

it made me realise how desperate i was to fulfil that dream so we tried again straight away.

i fell pregnant again immediately. my son was diagnosed with a serious physical disability at his 20 week scan. he was later stillborn.

i never thought about the what ifs when getting pregnant. i think its worth taking some time to consider your feelings and how you would cope with 'bad' news. i know its rare but its tested our relationship hugely and impacted on other aspects of our life including finances due to sudden maternity leave.

now i think i wish we'd tried sooner and also think of how much our life together has been affected over the last two years because of it and wish it never happened. i guess basically, there probably isnt a right time.

I have a 2 year old and 3 1/2 month old, have to say I really dislike the baby stage as mine both had and have colic and gas issues. But when my ds1 runs shouting cuggle cuggle I feel so damn lucky

Don't worry too much about how other people find it. Try to imagine, as far as possible, how you will find it.

I was hugely put off by hearing other women complain about how hard it is. I remember hearing many colleagues saying they came to work for a rest, because that was the easy part of their lives, and thinking 'fuck, how bad can it be?!' Now I have my own, I can tell you that, difficult though it is sometimes, it is NO WAY as hard as going to work, for me. No way. And so much more enjoyable. That said, I had a very stressful career I didn't enjoy much. Those with easier jobs, or especially those with careers they enjoy, may find it harder to be on mat leave.

Regarding how it changes your body, I was expecting bad things, especially as an older mother. However, I escaped without a single stretch mark, boobs relatively unscathed despite breastfeeding, and only a very thin/faint c-section scar (ELCS, fab experience, easy recovery). What I wasn't expecting, but got, was developing Rosacea, that is still with me, and SPD, though this was relatively mild. However, those are minor and every day I thank my lucky stars I have my DD in return.

I babysat quite a bit when I was younger and I always thought, 'kids will not seem this boring to me when they are mine' but to bluntly I found my toddlers really boring. I hated playing legos etc as much as I feared I would. Only difference (and it's a big one) was my passionate love for them.

They get so much easier as they get older, but having an under-4 is a consuming and confusing love affair that you'll pine away for once it's over.

Remember parenthood isn't static. I regretted having dd for the first year, it was unremittingly awful and I struggled to bond with her, but since then everything has changed and I wouldn't be without her for the world. It's such a personal decision and nobody can tell you what is right for you.

Best thing I have ever done seriously every day I feel so chuffing grateful as we also struggled so have them. They are hilarious and have made me a better person in so many ways. I love the fact it has slowed me down and we do wholesome things at the weekend like kite flying and baking. It's tiring and worrying yes but I am in better shape than before I had kids and my career has flourished since having them. Having a bit of cash helps I can't lie

Placeholder while I switch from phone. Sorry.

It took 3 years ttc for us to have a baby and I did all the research and wondered so many times if it would be a big mistake. Turns out we just know some miserable sods! Yes, there are bits if parenting that are hard. I would love it if my DD (age 1) slept more and if the pgp would finally fuck off. But it's also a lot of fun. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my daughter, a does DP.

He works away, btw and we don't have family within a hundred miles or more. We've also moved internationally and now don't have family in the country nor do I speak the language. I just get out and meet people and find that parents help other parents. You just do what you can.

I also find it easier to keep the house tidy when he's away and to run to my own schedule (he cooks and cleans before someone says owt but there's a freedom to doing shit on your own).

Only you know the answers to be honest. There is no info out there to give you the answers...
I never doubted that I wanted kids. 2 now and 1 on the way. Never regretted it. My body is fine (pregnant again tho but I was fitter before than I had been in a long while), my career is on par or ahead of my peers, and my freedom is fine too. I find time for what I love. But I love being with my kids and husband too anyway.

Personally I'm glad to have had my kids early (mid-twenties, I'm early 30s now) as I said it hasn't affected my career progression and after this one I can focus on my career. But if I was to die tomorrow or in 10yrs I wouldn't regret not having had 'much' of a career. I would be glad to had had as much time as possible with my kids. It's a down to your priorities. Similarly I can travel with the hubby when we're older but not too old..but if it doesn't happen well tough I'll still be glad I had the kids first :)

I have a different perspective again.

I'm 34 and have been trying for a baby for years. Tick all the boxes; happily married, financially secure, job with full maternity benefits etc. Our next step was IVF. There's no reason for us being unable to conceive- unexplained fertility. We tried everything. Sperm Meets Eggs Plan, special diets, low-level intervention: everything up to IVF stage basically.

A few months ago, it got too much for me and I needed a break. I took 2 months of not temping or tracking and just parked it. I even avoided sex at what I knew would be peak times, just because I didn't want the "what if" at the back of my head.

A few weeks in, I was feeling better. I wasn't consumed with jealously eyeing up bumps, or dreading getting period symptoms.

Then I started thinking about what having a baby meant to me. I actually wrote it out as a pro/con list, and came to a few conclusions:
I didn't feel like I was missing out by not having children
I didn't see becoming parents as having a guaranteed positive impact on our marriage
I wasn't jealous of people with babies, I was upset that my body wasn't doing what I told it
I couldn't see an area of my existing life that would be improved by having a child
We have zero family support around me and would have to miss out on a lot of the things I/we love doing, by virtue of the fact that I/we would need childcare constantly

Then I started speaking to people I knew who had kids. Most were somewhere between "it's great" and "it's ok" but then I spoke to my two sisters. One has a child with an incredibly severe physical disability. We adore her but my sister and BIL's lives changed the day she was born. They're totally dedicated to her, but can't deny that their days are consumed with hospital appoints, and worry.

My other sister has children and again she loves them but her take on it is that, if she was to go back in time, she'd have stayed childfree, for a multitude of reasons. She's confessed that, while she loves them, she sees no advantages in having had them and went on to say that, in my position, the last thing she'd do is have children.

My husband and I are still discussing our next steps.

At the end of the day, there's no magic answer. I understand the power of broodiness and that sick feeling of seeing a bump and not being able to have one of your own. That said, if there's a niggle of a doubt in your mind, you really do need to treat it as you would any other big life decision- sit down, plan it out, look at pros and cons, plan finances, plan logistics, and mitigate for what happens when things don't go to plan.

museumofcurry it's no problem, it's just how life rolls. I didn't realise it until now, actually, that several years before even meeting the man of my dreams (the one who died) I'd been holding out for the perfect moment to have a child. One big factor in knowing this is that before that time I was scared of little kids, couldn't bear to touch a baby. I had no idea how to talk to young kids. When I was 'ready' suddenly I became a mini nanny or something and I was no longer frightened to touch newborns.

Do you think there could be something in that? I'm serious. Maybe the time is right when you are no longer afraid of touching/picking up a newborn...

I've posted too much, I know, but I wanted to show the pros and cons of having a small life barge it's way into your environment.

The pain of giving birth is relieved by watching your baby suckle, mewl and look so astonishingly vulnerable that you are compelled to physically shield him or her with your body.

The unforgiving sleepless nights which drive you to tears and tantrums are offset by the fascination of seeing your child find his or her feet, smile at you for the first time and finally fall asleep in your arms.

These things you hear about all the time but don't have a clue about until it happens to you. Your bond with your baby is a mammalian thing designed to help your child survive it's early years but it can't be knocked, as it's been this way for thousands of years and it's still going strong. You do not get the mother and baby bond until it happens to you. I never really believed in it as I was slow to love my baby, but I have clawed the face of a family member in a blind maternal rage for my child (I was distraught and ashamed after) and I cannot explain to this day why I did what I did.

I won't go on even though I want to. What I'm trying to say is that it's nice to have things in place before having a child, but even if your life is chaos by the time the child comes, it will all fall into place because it has to. Because you are programmed to. Similarly, you can have everything ready and find use for none of it. As long as your baby has you, that's all that is needed.

Boomerwang It's lovely that it's worked out like that for you. I don't think you can guarantee it will be that way for every woman. It certainly wasn't like that for me. Sorry.