To want to ask some questions before I get pregnant?

[SquawkFish]

So, I (we) have started thinking about maybe trying for a baby next year. We've waited because I was unwell and also we thought it would be good for one of us at least to have completed a PhD (him, last year). I then had an ectopic and realised I also wanted to complete before we tried again.

Here's the thing : the people around us that have had babies seem to really regret it. Last week a colleague returned to College having just had a baby sixish months ago (due just after the one we lost) and didn't have a nice word to say about motherhood or the baby (apart from the baby looks cute).

The whole scenario has made me mull things over in my head (finances, maternity leave, would it be better to wait one more year, coping with no family close by (and a partner who works away a lot), having a career and having a family (am I asking too much?), etc.).

A couple of people have said "just do it, it is what it is" (namely the people who now have regrets) and so I am starting to question - is it unreasonable to raise questions and look for answers to them?

I'm not really feeling comfortable just throwing myself in at the deep end, but also have no freaking idea where is the best place to look for answers (google? here? GP surgery? HR department?)

Tbh, if you are having doubts it's better to wait a bit. Where do you see yourself in the next 5 or 10 years say?
No one can unequivocally tell you what to do. Yes children are fucking hard - even if you get an easy baby your life still changes.

Sorry about your ectopic pregnancy OP

It is definitely worthwhile thinking/talking everything through before taking the plunge as there isn't really any going back! Everyone's experience will be different and some people will only show thr good while others will only show the bad. Your colleague with the 6mo is probably just having a tough time at the moment - sleeping, teething, weaning, getting DC settled into childcare etc. She maybe can't see the wood for the trees.

My SIL had 3 easy pregnancies with 3 easy births (like shelling peas my MIL says!) and 3 easy babies who slept well from day 1. She also lives minutes away from both sides of her family who babysit all the time. She is thinking about a 4th.

OTOH, my first pregnancy was ok but not easy. The birth was bad and took a long time to get over. DD didn't sleep well at all until she was 14months and fed around the clock as a baby. DH works long hours so most of the childcare fell to me. My career took a backseat (I'm fine with that though - I'm a teacher and wasn't enjoying it tbh). The early months were bloody hard and there were days I just wanted to shove her back up there iyswim. I didn't regret it but I'd have loved a pause button. Oh we also had no family nearby until DD was 2 which was difficult as there was no break (300 miles away). No date nights, no time off. She is nearly 3 now though and she is the best thing I have ever done. I adore her and I cannot imagine my life without her. She makes me love DH even more too. Today is my due date with DD2! This pregnancy has been hideous from start to finish. The next year is going to be rough but I'm ready for it. We're also very fortunate financially due to DH's job - I won't be going back to work for a couple of years. So that is my experience so far.

If you are part way through a PhD then I'd finish that first tbh (before you get pregnant - pregnancy can be delightful or it can be shit and you won't know which one you'll get). Make sure you have something to go back to. Get your ducks in a row. Discuss childcare with DP beforehand! Discuss when you would want to go back to work and if you will split mat leave. I was happy to stay at home, do all the nights, bf etc. and let DH focus on his career. It is fine to not want to do that! You can ff and find childcare early on or you can share maternity leave. You do not have to put your career on hold and you do not have to choose. Don't wait until you are pregnant to bring it up though.

Good luck!

There was never a right time for me. I didn't want to be a young mum, but I certainly didn't envisage having a slight panic on when time was running out either. I wanted to have my own home, a good job and a fantastic partner. Unfortunately I am now 37 and don't have any of those things. I once had the job and partner and rented a house with a garden, so then I felt it was time to have the baby. At that time, my partner died and I had to move back in with my parents who lived far from my job so that went as well.

After four or five years I frankly made a last ditch attempt at some kind of a family life and got pregnant, hoping for the best. I'm now single, living in a rented apartment and I share my daughter part time with her father who lives in a house. Oh, and I just lost my summer job.

I love her, of course. She shines a light on my life. But yeah, I wish she'd come along at the 'perfect' time.

Everyone is different.
You cannot possibly know how you will be as a mother until you are one!
It's hard going.
Pregnancy can be good or bad.
Birth can be a breeze or an absolute nightmare.
No one person has the same experience as another.

My DD was a wonderful baby and toddler.
My ExH left when DD just started high school. She was vile!
But she's 18 now and I'm very proud of her.

How old are you now OP?

Having a baby is without doubt the best thing we have ever done. It is incredibly hard work, exhausting mentally and physically sometimes but the rewards are beyond measures for us.

For us, being parents was something we wanted desperately and we waited until we we're at the point where we knew it wouldn't matter if and when our child was born - financially and in terms of careers we arse secure.

DD is our greatest achievement and our greatest joy.

So sorry boomerwang.

However I do think the only question that really matters is do you want children?

Yes, definitely. There is absolutely no question about that. Absolutely desperately and honestly if I hadn't had a major health issue it would have happened already.

How old are you?

I'm 30, He's 32.

You sound as if you are expecting exhausted new parents who are struggling with juggling babies and academic work to tell you what to do, or expecting them to be incandescent with joy...?

Not at all. It's more that she's come back from time away where she had a partner at home all time time (mine would be away for at least 7 months of the first year based on the last 5 years), a family nearby (none of ours are), and a family who are very wealthy and have stumped up time for a night nanny and part-time nanny. When I was hearing all of this I kind of thought "Shit, I really need to think about this carefully". It's no reflection on how she's finding family life, it's more of a reflection on the fact that actually I have fuck all close support nearby.

sianihedgehog Yes. Pretty much since I was a child. Your story has actually warmed my heart up.

Finances? Do you both get a good wage?

I think for our ages our finances are pretty good. We have no debt. When my partner was living away I worked as a live in carer (alongside PhD) and so we didn't pay rent for four years. I also have a small start up business which brings me in about 12,000 extra per year on top of two salaries (both are good salaries). We are about to buy a small flat and have decided to get a small mortgage rather than a large one, pay it off quickly, and resell the flat when (we have one) child is three years oldish (and it would be better to get a garden). We'd probably have the mortgage size we are looking at paid off in two years if I didn't take maternity leave.

Housing? Do you own/rent?

Just answered this above.

Maternity leave? I've always gone back to work when each of my 4 DC was 4 months old. Could you and your DH share maternity leave?

It would be difficult for DP to share due to his job. I think he's allowed to do it, but I am not sure it would go down well. Because I would be starting a new job in January I would get SMP I think, but I would have to wait a full year to get the full Corporate Maternity Pay package. Not sure if they'd give me more than a year's contract to start though.

Questions:

How do people manage when they have no family support around and a partner that works away? I think I need to speak to some single mums!

Is it ok to go and look into daycare / nursery places and fees now so we can sit down and workout finances?

Am I completely nuts to talk to every single woman in my department that has had children and ask them about their experiences?

How do you cope with the early pregnancy anxieties when you know you are taking medication that could harm your baby (seriously my biggest fear)? I honestly feel like I will spend the whole time worrying and that will further impact my baby. Plus the ectopic probably didn't help.

Would we be nuts to consider IVF because of the ectopic (as I've now been told there's a 15% chance the next pregnancy will also be ectopic and IVF would reduce this down to 1/2%.)

Savings - what's a good amount to have pre-baby? What have people's experiences been?

I know that no one can tell me what to do, I would just appreciate more feedback than the people that i have around me doing the parenting thing at this moment. Had it been a few years ago, the people around me had very different experiences to parenting (maybe it's because we were all 5 years younger, in well paid jobs and living the high life).

Thanks for the replies!

I had my baby later (40 years old) and we did deliberate over the decision for about two years before we decided to go ahead.

She is the best thing I have ever done. She is two now, and I found the baby stage quite easy, despite no sleep (she still doesn't sleep very well!). I can honestly say I don't regret a day with her. I am bloody knackered, some days are so fecking boring, and I haven't had sex for ages, but she is so worth it. She is smart, funny, interesting and gorgeous. She makes us very proud. I never knew I could love someone so deeply and completely as I do her. I am under no illusions that she will probably test my patience to breaking point, and the responsibility of being a parent does seem quite daunting if I think about it too much, we are up for the challenge though!

We made a conscious decision to have her and knew it wasn't always going to be a walk in the park, but we are okay with that. Its part of the adventure.

But thats me. How do you feel about having children? Its such an unknown, that its impossible to know for sure until you are doing it.

I'm an academic and a mother. It's a very good idea to wait until after your PhD before you think about having a baby. In ideal terms, you would wait until you had a permanent job with the possibility of maternity leave, but academia doesn't generally work like that as short-term contracts are the norm for a while post-PhD; I had both my kids before I got a permanent job.

I couldn't imagine life without kids, being a parent is a huge privilege, and the insights you get from parenting I think have made me better at research and teaching. It can be very hard balancing everything though. One thing I've been very pleased about is that I have a whole other identity alongside being a parent; having an absorbing job as well as being financially independent have stood me in very good stead. If you have a support network (friends and family) in place things will be much easier.

How would you feel if you waited because you weren't sure and then found you'd left it too late and couldn't have children. Would you be devastated, do you think? Does the thought of remaining childless worry you at all?
Often regarding things from the opposite angle helps put the issue into perspective.
Sure there were times when I thought "I don't want to be a mother anymore" but those didn't last very long and even then I wouldn't have have given up my DC for anything. Am so happy, grateful I have had the experience and the continual joy (and worry) of DC
Good luck

Boomerang I'm so sorry.

Honestly: it will severely change your body permanently, your ability to succeed in your career and your freedom to do anything that you enjoy.

When my 2 kids were both under 5 I'd say 'think of all the things you love doing, take all the joy out of it, that's what having kids is like'.

I found babies quite easy, the older they get the more they develop a mind of their own though. All those ideals of doing the stuff that you love together? Singing? Drawing? Nature walks? They'll hate them all and spend every waking moment complaining about your plans for them and/or demanding junk food which you need to say 'no' to approximately eleventy billion times. Add to that the fact that though you will get to lie in alone you'll probably never get a lie in with your DH ever again (unless you have relatives willing to take the kids away for overnights and not demand they're collected by breakfast time and even then it's usually once or twice a year.)

All the washing/cooking/cleaning that you/your DH does? Now multiply that up for the other person/people living in the house. NB: Sick, poo and sticky fingers cause way more mess than 2 adults.

Kids occasionally do and say cute things - that's the major upside.

HTH

This a tough one. If you wanted to take up ballroom dancing you could have lessons, buy the shoes, make a dress, sew the sequins on and then if you decide you don't like it you could sell the dress BUT if you have a child there's no going back. You either do or you don't and it's a child's life that you're responsible for. It's a very big decision and worth spending time mulling over.

There was a book called 'Mothers' Day is Over' which I read a long time ago and it helped me to make up my mind. There are bound to be other titles which you could read to help you come to a decision. And after all there's no half-way house with this - you either do or you don't.

Am I completely nuts to talk to every single woman in my department that has had children and ask them about their experiences?

Yes, you can't just accost someone and ask them about something so incredibly personal.

I think you've just had bad luck in who you're speaking to, I've never heard people say things like that. Most people acknowledge it's really hard (it is!) but also really really great.

Sorry cross-posted. Having no family support is REALLY difficult. Sorry, you probably don't want to hear that! In this case childcare is really important. Do work it out as soon as you can - though you may feel differently about child care when you've actually had the baby.

I think you're trying to plan everything in advance, which in some ways is good but in other ways impossible - children have a tendency to spoil even the best laid plans. It's one of the best and worst things about them!

spooky your experiences do not cancel out the OPs just because you've never heard people speak like that. I agree on the whole most people would say it's hard but there are many who think it's the worst thing they've ever done.

I've no idea how people manage without family support.
I wad very lucky and my family and his were fabulous

Definitely look into daycare now. Research is never a bad thing

Not nuts no - but some might not want to tell you about it all. They might feel they will put you off.

Talk to your GP about the medication issue. See if Doc can help put your mind at ease.

If you would rather go the IVF route then no reason why you shouldn't. This is you and your DP baby and you decide what's best for your situation.

There is no amount really TBH. As long as you have left over monies at the end of the month you'll get by.
Some people have nothing and manage just fine. You will too.

Everyone's experience is different.
You are both of a good age to have kids.
Set up with saving and good jobs.
You absolutely want kids so go for it.
In what ever way suits you best.

You can't always get everything lined up nicely and keep it orderly. Whether you have kids not life will throw many googlies at you! But you seem to be in a good place financially.

I had my kids too late really, in my late thirties, but I was very lucky to conceive easily each time. Many people do struggle, so advice is never to hang around. So sorry about your ectopic.

I've never regretted having kids. I loved being at home with the babies. We had a whale of a time. No sleep, obviously, but you manage with that. We had no family around to help, my husband worked away from home a lot and we'd recently moved to a new town. I had enough money to go out for coffee whenever I wished. Quite frankly that was the largest social expense ;).

You do not need a night nanny! The vast majority of parents have never had night nannies. I think if I had wealthy relatives who paid for a nanny and night nanny while I was learning to look after my own baby I might feel I bit disempowered. Most people get more out of it by actually doing the 'hard' stuff, because that's how you bond with your baby.

If your DH is away for long stretches and you have nobody who can even come and stay for a week, I would advise you to plan for paying for some help if you can afford it. Childcare is not cheap but your mental health is important to your baby. Many single mothers manage very well on their own, but it can be relentless.

I came on to see if I could answer your questions but you don't seem to have any. Perhaps you might work out exactly what you want to know?

I was brought up with the expectation that I would marry and have children, and assumed that I would. By the time I reached 30 I realised I was happy as I was and concentrated on working hard and getting my own house.

I felt like the black sheep of the family because of it, the pressure was always there but it hadn't been right for me. I found I was pregnant on my 40th birthday, unplanned.

Ask the questions, ask them of yourself, if it is not what you feel is right for you, don't give in to pressure. If it happens anyway you may find it is the best thing that ever happened to you. Sometimes the fear of the unknown is what stops us from doing things.Your life will never be the same again, your freedom will be gone, that was the biggest realisation for me.

I'm sorry to hear about your ectopic, that must have been tough

Babies can be very hard work. I remember crying besides the cot when my first was a few weeks old, because I was just completely overwhelmed with having total responsibility for another human.

Mine are 7 and 9 now however, and seeing them grow, learn and become more independent is the most rewarding experience; they have given my life new purpose. I am so looking forward to watching them grow further, and hopefully having close relationships with them for the rest of our lives. Raising them has made me question and work on all the flaws in my personality, it has made me question my views and beliefs and I think it has undoubtably made me a better person.

That's just my experience though...this is a question that nobody can answer for you. It's a very personal decision but also a huge leap of faith as you can't test drive a child beforehand unfortunately!!

I definitely don't regret it but I do, 3 years on, still mourn my old life at times! I am rather anxious by nature and I do find it stressful juggling childcare, work, my relationship with dh and looking after our animals and house. My dd is amazing and the love I feel for her is so crazy and I do feel a fair amount of mother guilt leaving her in the care of others. However without my work and 'me time' (4 amazing hrs on Friday morning when she is at preschool) I would go a bit nuts and really need them to maintain my sense of self. It is a bit of a balancing act that everyone deals with differently and it's hard to explain to people before they have children for that very reason, you just don't know until you do it!

I don't know know what field your PhD is in but I work in science and have seen first hand women juggling PhD, post doc and childcare. I think the key is not taking too big a career break as the longer you leave it the harder it is to come back. Also part time post doc positions are not so common.

I think that's the problem with choice. When my Mum was young, it was just assumed that getting married, giving up work and having children was the way to go, and you didn't question it. Thankfully (I think!) we now have more options, and with it the dilemmas you describe. I left having a baby quite late (39) because I could never get the definitive answers I felt I needed, only to realise that you can't... and won't. I think the main thing I learnt is that whatever choice we make, humans are very adaptable creatures and your life will wrap around whatever experiences come your way. The whole baby thing is one big gamble, as is raising a child. I spent years saving for the event only to regret not doing it sooner! You can never tick all the boxes. x

How do people manage when they have no family support around and a partner that works away?

They just do. That's a rubbish answer, sorry, but it is true. My DH only does the odd work trip away at the moment so it isn't too bad for me. Being so far from family isn't great but we need to stay here for DH's job. There are millions of single parents and forces spouses who do it all the time because they have to. I'm in awe of them.

Is it ok to go and look into daycare / nursery places and fees now so we can sit down and workout finances?

Absolutely. They should have information on their websites or call up and ask. The going rate here (midlands) is around £180pw for full time nursery but it'll differ. I don't know how CM rates compare.

Am I completely nuts to talk to every single woman in my department that has had children and ask them about their experiences?

No but you will get mixed responses. I'm having a good day today so I'm fairly upbeat. Your colleagues' answers may change day to day!

How do you cope with the early pregnancy anxieties when you know you are taking medication that could harm your baby (seriously my biggest fear)? I honestly feel like I will spend the whole time worrying and that will further impact my baby. Plus the ectopic probably didn't help.

I didn't have to take any medication and I haven't lost a pregnancy before but I think we all worry regardless. My DC2 is due/overdue and I've worried the entire time. Would you be offered extra scans if your medication poses a risk? You can also pay for additonal private scans for your own piece of mind.

Would we be nuts to consider IVF because of the ectopic (as I've now been told there's a 15% chance the next pregnancy will also be ectopic and IVF would reduce this down to 1/2%.)

I think only you can answer that. As far as I'm aware IVF is a long, costly and uncomfortable process but I can understand that you would do anything to avoid further heartache.

Savings - what's a good amount to have pre-baby? What have people's experiences been?

I think we spent around £1000 before DD arrived. That included nursery furniture, car seat, pram and clothing. Babies aren't massively expensive once they arrive (at first anyway). Mine just needed nappies really and you'd need milk if ff. The biggest expense would be loss of wages depending on your maternity package so try to have some savings to soften that blow.