To think if we move when the boys are in secondary school I won't meet other mums

[KateLennard]

DH and I are considering moving to a much cheaper area in 3 years time, when ds1 will be in secondary school and ds2 just finishing primary.
There are a lot of reason for this, but the primary motive is that ds1 has SEN and we may have no choice but to move and free up the money to put ds1 in a small private school, just so he functions.
My question is totally selfish, but due to DHs job we can't move for the next three years. If DSs are in secondary school, will it be really hard for me to make friends and meet people through school?

If you do move ds1 to a private school, you are much more likely to meet people/other parents than in a state school. There's a lot more "school gate" culture as many children are delivered and collected; there are social events; there's more 'hanging around' and chatting over a glass of wine at parents' evenings or concerts etc.

Ds started senior school knowing nobody and we've made loads of whole family friends.

Why would you WANT to meet any other mums? The only thing you'll have in common is having kids.

Why not join some local clubs?

Thank you Ralf
Brian, I was very lonely before I met DH and had no success with the clubs etc route of meeting people. I feel like the only time I have managed to build a real social network is through meeting mums at school.

None of my friends are school 'mum' friends.

Most are from various places of work over the years, others from fitness groups and classes in my new area.

There are loads of ways to make new friends - which you are likely to to have things in common with.

Oh - i see I just posted at the same time as you OP>

Well, new place - new start?

Give it time and throw yourself into new groups and activities and see what happens.

Ralf, I think what scares me about that is that they will be really posh and I won't fit in. The only way we can afford what DS1 needs (small classes) is by selling the house and moving away.

You don't meet school mums in state secondary school's.

Ralf. What scares me about that is that is the fear that they will all be posh and rich. I am neither. The only way we can afford what ds1 needs (small classes) is ny selling the house and moving away.

Sadly, secondaries just don't have a school gate culture. Even at primary we didn't have that as our kids went to school by bus, and at secondary they travel on their own each day,thats just how it is. I'm sorry that means that a friend group is harder for you to find, but I dont know anyone who's made friends through the secondary school gate.

Lovelybangers I run a business from home, between that and all DS1s appointments I don't have much time for clubs.
SandyY2K that's what I thought!

We moved to an entirely new area when the DCs were at secondary school. I've met a couple of mums through DD's after school clubs but haven't socialised with them. I have met lots of actual friends through evening classes and through work. I'm much less involved in my children's lives now they are teenagers so it hasn't been an issue.

Chairinsage I work from home (own business) so that cuts out that avenue, and am usually exhausted after a day of dealing with DS1 and all the stuff that goes with his SEN for evening classes.
I would much rather do it now, so at least I have time while DS2 is in primary school but financially we can't.

Thing is, even if you do make friends with Mums in ds2s Primary school, you'll more than likely drift away from them when they go to secondary - it's just the way it is. Mums of my dcs friends are just that - people I will chat to if I see them, and we'll help each other out with lifts etc., but we've not kept in touch after they've left Primary and I've not seen them in the playground.
However, secondary schools do have tiny PTAs, if you want to meet other parents, and some have 'parent forums' (under a variety of names) so there are still opportunities to meet other parents.
Like most people though, I'd suggest you ring fence one night for yourself to join something you want to do, for you - book club, choir, sport, volunteering, whatever, and then you'll meet folk with similar interests.

They won't all be posh and rich. Or even posh or rich. Honestly

Sounds like bliss.

I've developed good friendships through volunteering with the Parents' Association, you get to know other people gradually. In my experience private senior schools still have coffee mornings, drinks events etc. We also used to meet up after parents' evenings or talks on parenting.

I would completely forget meeting mums through school. If you don't have time to do clubs you won't have time to do the endless boring school gate gossip and coffees that private school mums seem to have time for. All my mum friends are through various sports clubs (mine and dds). Make time for yourself to do an exercise class or hobby. It will give you more to talk about when you do meet school mums.

I absolutely love dds new schools for this reason. Big state secondary where I very occasionally see a mum I know. Whizzy private mainly boarding where I occasionally see a mum I recognise on the side of the hockey pitch. I can't bear gossip. I like friendly small talk and that's it. At their last school there was endless bitchery and gossip and negative bollocks it was awful.
And only on mumsnet are private school parents 'normal with old cars'. They are rich and posh.

I have made a couple of friends through my ds when he was at secondary school but I agree with others, it's not the best way to meet people.

We moved house when ds was in year 5, so primary but he was old enough to go to friends houses without me tagging along. I realised it would be difficult to meet people that way so did other stuff - joined a book group, joined the village drama group, and did some voluntary work locally. Yes, it's tough after a full day's work but I made myself do it because I knew that otherwise I'd be very lonely.

To be honest, it took about 3 years before I felt I'd made friends rather than acquaintances. But I now have some very good female friends, only 2 of whom had a child in the same year as ds.

I know a few of my son's friends mums from secondary school. But obviously not s many as at primary. I would recommend exercise classes or similar.

Are there any support groups or activities around your DS's SEN? We have found a great group locally for ADHD/ASD kids and their families. Nice bunch of people and they understand the exhaustion of it all.

I would agree that it would be good to have at least one evening where you do something for you. I managed that a couple of months ago. It's not easy getting out of the house on time but it's been brilliant for my mental health. I am making friends too.

Thank you all for the replies. I agree I would need to get out and do some kind of activity. I am definitely very keen as well to meet people through some kind of support group for DS SEN. I think you really do need some people in your life who know what it's really like.