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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have done or would kill someone...

65 replies

judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 12:40

with kindness even if they had been awful to you?

Ever since I got pregnant with DS1 3 years ago, SIL who at the time was unmarried but a long term partner to my DH's DB and childless has decided not to talk to me and has been very rude on a number of occassions. We and DC1 were sidelined very much at their wedding (sat away from the rest of the family, not invited to events in the run up to it etc) and she's not included us in a number of family events that she had organised.

My DH and DFIL put this down to that she was suffering from some concerns that she would be infertile and that she is a good 10 years older than me and in the time that she got proposed to, Id come in and got married and had a baby so there was an element of jealousy. My other SIL has also said that she thought she was jealous of me (goodness knows why!)

I know she was struggling with that her DH had not proposed years ago as she confided in me before she decided that I was the anti christ. However happily, they are now married and are expecting their first child next month.

We saw them yesterday at a family gathering and she was mardy all day (she has been whenever I've been around including when I brought our first DS to a family event), refusing to acknowledge or even look at toddler DS who tried to engage with her several times and my newborn (2 weeks old) DS despite various people looking at her when holding DS2 saying 'This will be you next!!', she would turn away and grunt. She claimed she wasn't feeling very well and sat in a corner all day.

However her DH, DH's DB is still lovely so I feel like I want to help them out as they don't have much money and i know he has been stressing about finances. AIBU to kill her with kindness by sending her lots of baby equipment that we don't need (I haven't skimped - we are talking thousands) in the hope it might make her a bit nicer to us? or should I just forget it and put it all on ebay?

OP posts:
jumpjumpformylove · 10/10/2016 12:44

Ebay! If you give it all to her, you'll only regret it when she continues her miserable behaviour.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 12:45

I would offer it her - or even better, if she is okay with your DH, get him to offer her, a look through it to see if there is anything she and her DH would like. Don't just hand it all over without asking first - she might well just donate it to a charity shop then.

Has your DH asked his brother what the issue is?

lanbro · 10/10/2016 12:45

Always do whatever makes you feel good, whether thats helping out your BIL despite SIL's behaviour, or ebaying it.

shrunkenhead · 10/10/2016 12:47

Does she have children?

Threebedsemii · 10/10/2016 12:47

I suspect she was jealous and is now embarrassed or has convinced herself that you're the problem as well.

You could make the first move to repair your relationship (and it may well be that if can be) or you could just put it down to a personality mismatch and forget about her

Killing with kindness doesn't work IMO. the person who dislikes you doesn't care.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 12:47

Thats the thing Jump, she will probably continue won't she? I don't know what I have done to her and to be honest, my DH has said that he's never liked her.

Im a kind person by nature so part of me thought I was being a bit childish- my DHs nephew and my DS' cousin would be going without or would suffer. That said I've never had hand me downs!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 10/10/2016 12:48

I reckon she would reject it or eBay it herself just because it has come from you.

I would offer to her but if she says no then that's that.

shrunkenhead · 10/10/2016 12:48

Sorry ignore . I have now reread the thread!

shrunkenhead · 10/10/2016 12:51

And killing with kindness is definitely the way forward. A) You know you're being the good guy (as does everyone else witnessing your kind deeds) and B) it drives them insane! They cannot stand it.

DesignedForLife · 10/10/2016 12:51

Offer her a couple bits and see her response?

However do you really want a friendship built on your generosity? Sounds like it would quickly get one sided.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 12:51

No she doesn't, she's pregnant with her first.

My DH won't ask his DB as he won't get a straight answer and we've already been told she was ill. I'm tempted to ask my DFIL (who has already mentioned on the phone that she was hard work that day) if that sourpuss face was reserved for me or whether she'd been like that before we arrived with our toddler and new baby in tow.

OP posts:
Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 12:52

Bad as it sounds I'm planning on doing it in front of the ILs so they can see how nice i am being when she's been a cow bag!

OP posts:
Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 12:52

We got on well before I had kids!

OP posts:
minipie · 10/10/2016 12:53

I'd suggest that your DH offers it to his DB. He's your family too, he's lovely you say, and it's not really his fault if your SIL has been mardy (and she may genuinely have been feeling unwell yesterday so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt over that, though doesn't apply to previous occasions).

It would be good to be friendly especially as the cousins are so close in age. Keep friendly with the DB and hope the SIL thaws once the baby arrives?

Depends how much you need the money though of course - if you could really do with it then I'd ebay it, there are no obligations owed to your BIL and SIL to hand it over regardless of how lovely they are!

Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 12:54

Iwuldnt. I did this with an evil SIL and she bagged it all up and put it in her loft and never used it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/10/2016 12:55

If she's got money issues, she doesn't like you, and you give ££££s of baby equipment... she's gonna fling that on eBay straight away. Or Facebook, Gumtree, whatever other selling sites there are.

StStrattersOfMN · 10/10/2016 12:56

Fuck that, she's had 3+ years to get over herself, no way would she get anything.

SuperFlyHigh · 10/10/2016 12:57

hmmm ok - had someone bully me at school as a teen.

I wrote a FB email to her and got in touch saying I'd forgiven her and she wrote back saying she'd love to meet etc.

She is now a therapist in various fields - but if I ever ask for advice (I asked re dreams for a friend the other day) she tried to sign me up for some hippy dippy therapy programme. She even offered me a free Skype session (we live a few hundred miles away).

Though I think she is sorry I also think she is quite happy to make money out of me or people I know, and I don't think she deserves that!

In your scenario I'd offer the goods to her but don't accept anything in return (a response or anything) - all very well to be jealous if she can't have kids but to carry it on now is bitter and childish.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 13:01

Don't go shit stirring by discussing it with other family members, beyond your DH, or giving her it in front of everyone.

Leave it between your DH and his brother.

And work out whether you care about being kind or looking like you're being kind. There's a huge difference. If the latter is your motivation rather than the former then you don't have a leg to stand on as regards 'awful' behaviour.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:02

I'm not sure feeling ill is any excuse for refusing to acknowledge a toddler, refusing to say even hello, grunting at a newborn.

I'm 2 weeks post partum and had every shit symptom going as well as going through a close family member dying suddenly.

You'd hope she'd sort herself out given that our DCs were going to be so close in age wouldn't you? however when the other cousins were small she'd forget their birthdays and then comment on how their parents bigger up their offspring 'they really think he's super baby!!'. Two years later she's reposting 'share if you love your nephew with all your heart' on Facebook vom. I can imagine how she speaks about us!

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 13:05

Why is SIL and not DB being blamed for the lack of invites to pre-wedding events and family occasions, and for the wedding seating plan?? You're on the DB's side of the family, it's down to him to manage relations with his DB/you.

And come to that, why would the baby equipment be a present for her and not for her DH???

Sorry, I think it sounds like you're labouring under some very sexist assumptions here!

And I can't really identify anything she's done wrong. As for her sitting at the side at a family event saying she wasn't feeling well.... is it possible that she simply wasn't feeling well???

Personally I have hardly any contact with my DH's brother's girlfriend, I certainly wouldn't arrange to see her independently or invite her to stuff. I see her when my DH sees his DB and that's it. She's nice enough but a fairly distant family member as far as I'm concerned. I doubt you're any more to this SIL, I think it sounds like you're overthinking.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/10/2016 13:11

No I wouldn't. If you want to attempt to sort something out, it isn't by giving stuff. She may begrudge you even more. Send her a short and heartfelt note. Tell her you care about her, you know it's been hard for her, you wish her well in her pregnancy and would like her dc and your dcs to be close.

Expect nothing in return.

lordStrange · 10/10/2016 13:11

I don't really understand the issue. Get your DH to ask his brother if he wants the gear you no longer need. I think it's nice of you but no big drama needed about it.

ovenchips · 10/10/2016 13:13

If your SIL truly has the hump with you (for reasons unknown - most likely jealously) I think there's a good chance unfortunately that the kindness tactic would fail.

She will *take umbrage at being asked if she wants second-hand things for her baby/ accept them but make it her business to never use them/ feel even more pissed off with you for offering her your stuff/ misuse or damage the stuff to ensure your good deed does not go unpunished/ be delighted, appreciate the stuff and think much more warmly of you as a result.
*delete as appropriate.

Many more opportunities for this to have a negative outcome IMHO. I would leave it to your DH to discuss it with his DB and offer stuff if wanted. And stay out of it.

If you want to know if she has a problem with you - have a talk with her and see what she says. Though I don't think I'd be minded to...

RB68 · 10/10/2016 13:17

Personally I would sell it and just buy them something nice - she may not want it - might want all new etc, but why should you put yourself out - if you really want to give them a voucher with the proceeds but frankly I wouldn't bother - she won't appreciate it just because its you!