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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have done or would kill someone...

65 replies

judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 12:40

with kindness even if they had been awful to you?

Ever since I got pregnant with DS1 3 years ago, SIL who at the time was unmarried but a long term partner to my DH's DB and childless has decided not to talk to me and has been very rude on a number of occassions. We and DC1 were sidelined very much at their wedding (sat away from the rest of the family, not invited to events in the run up to it etc) and she's not included us in a number of family events that she had organised.

My DH and DFIL put this down to that she was suffering from some concerns that she would be infertile and that she is a good 10 years older than me and in the time that she got proposed to, Id come in and got married and had a baby so there was an element of jealousy. My other SIL has also said that she thought she was jealous of me (goodness knows why!)

I know she was struggling with that her DH had not proposed years ago as she confided in me before she decided that I was the anti christ. However happily, they are now married and are expecting their first child next month.

We saw them yesterday at a family gathering and she was mardy all day (she has been whenever I've been around including when I brought our first DS to a family event), refusing to acknowledge or even look at toddler DS who tried to engage with her several times and my newborn (2 weeks old) DS despite various people looking at her when holding DS2 saying 'This will be you next!!', she would turn away and grunt. She claimed she wasn't feeling very well and sat in a corner all day.

However her DH, DH's DB is still lovely so I feel like I want to help them out as they don't have much money and i know he has been stressing about finances. AIBU to kill her with kindness by sending her lots of baby equipment that we don't need (I haven't skimped - we are talking thousands) in the hope it might make her a bit nicer to us? or should I just forget it and put it all on ebay?

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 10/10/2016 13:19

I wouldn't pass it on to her, if she hates you as much as you think she'll likely throw/give it away anyway.

I'd either sell it on at NCT sales or pass it on to someone more deserving.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:30

Not sexist at all.... DBIL is as horizontal as they come and SIL arranges all events, DH says that he and his family didn't hear from his DB for months. SIL rings up everyone and arranges family outings.

Think I'm going to whack it all on ebay and put it in my DS christmas fund.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 13:32

DBIL is as horizontal as they come and SIL arranges all events, DH says that he and his family didn't hear from his DB for months.

Errr so DBIL is not contacting you and that's fine but DSIL is not contacting you and she's a bitch? Not my definition of "not sexist at all" but hey ho.

ilongforlustre · 10/10/2016 13:38

The thing is, its not going to make her like you and likely won't change her behaviour towards you. Only gift the things if you would like to help them or if it will make you feel that at least you tried and aren't to blame for her attitude.

I have someone similar in my life. I have tried to be kind in order to lift the tension and be the bigger person. It's always been rejected, refused or taken and resented. Almost a "look at Lustre, flaunting that she's got more than me..." which wasn't the case at all. My problem person is undoubtedly jealous as well, no idea why but it's not just directed at me either.

Having two older ones myself now, I would sell your things and buy your children more things, age appropriate or whatever. You won't change her.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:39

Why is that sexist? For the record I've never called her a bitch. Crikey! Are you having a bad day?

She contacts everyone else and not DH? Deliberately excludes us from family events for no apparent reason. I'm trying to reach out to her by helping her family.

OP posts:
Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:41

Lustre I have a feeling you're right.

I've had a brain wave after someone said 'give to someone more deserving' and I'm going to see if a food bank wants them. There's got to be someone out there that appreciates them.

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Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 13:42

It really is a bit sexist. You are a bit sexist in your expectations. And she has no obligation to do anything at all given the cousins are going to be close in age - why would she? That's a bit bonkers of you to be fair.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:43

How is not contacting us and inviting us to events when she specifically rings other members of the family to invite them to things (Db just goes along with things for an easy life) sexist?!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:44

Why is it sexist to expect someone to be civil?

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 13:45

It's sexist. DB goes along with things for an easy life - that is what's sexist. If he wanted you there surely he could invite you?

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:46

Seriously how am I treating her less favourably on the grounds of her gender?

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PickAChew · 10/10/2016 13:47

Ebay it and send a link to the auctions if you're feeling charitable. I wouldn't try too hard when she obviously gives you the cold shoulder.

Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 13:47

I hated my in laws. They were hideously awful to me in ways you can barely imagine. My ex used to make me go to family events and also there was an expectation from my ex mil that I would do family events. I utterly completely hated it and add in a twin pregnancy with mega issues and I'm sure I was unspeakably rude on more than one occasion.

You don't like her. She doesn't like you. Why would you gift her stuff? so you can crow over being lady bountiful? Really?

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:48

Sorry I disagree that's sexist. He doesn't organise things and he doesn't like conflict. My DH says he's been like that forever and probably didn't realise we weren't invited until the day.

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Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 13:50

Fwiw my ex SIL and Bil sat me away from the rest of the family at their wedding. And other SIL did too. And BIL. it even sat with my then husband in any of those cases. I was at a table with the maiden aunts and or friends and in one case as far away from the top table as possible. She actually said if she could have sat me in the street she would have and I was only there under sufferance.

So I get nasty in laws. Really. I do.

myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 13:50

You can't see why, say, blaming SIL and not BIL for the seating plan at their wedding might be a teensy little bit sexist?

Even if she's arranging family events it's her DH's responsibility to make sure that everyone he wants from his side is invited.

PickAChew · 10/10/2016 13:51

Sexist? There are many sexist things going on, but I don't think the dynamic here is anything to do with sexism. It's a dynamic that could just as easily happen the other way around, with an always organising husband and a wife who stays out of it. Is it sexist, then? That's the test of sexism - whether the same scenario could occur with the sexes reversed. This one could and does and to suggest otherwise makes you sound a bit goadyreactionary.

Ausernotanumber · 10/10/2016 13:51

If you and your DH mattered to your BIL he would make sure you were there. Can't you see that?

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:53

I've never been rude to them. We actually got on until I made the 'mistake' of getting married and getting pregnant before her. I appreciate she thought she might not conceive but she did.

Nope I thought I'd do it because it might put out an olive branch, show interest in her DC. Not all of us think like that

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 13:53

Well, yes, if my DH and I had a barbecue and my brother's wife blamed my DH for the fact she wasn't invited on the grounds that as the man he was the one who was responsible for issuing an invitation, then that would be sexist. The reason you don't see threads about that, though, is that people don't assume that it's the man who should be managing family relations, they assume it's the woman.

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:55

Exactly pickachew- we've got the opposite dynamic- my DH is the social secretary. I often just go along with it because it's easier!

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 10/10/2016 13:56

Lovely use of the word 'mardy'-that's made me homesick.
I would get your in laws to offer it to her on your behalf if they will do so? They could say you'd mentioned it to them but forgot to ask her when you recently saw her and only remembered when you spoke to them and asked them to pass the message on-then she can say yes or no to them-avoiding any awkward discussions between the two of you but allowing you to still do a nice thing (and get the brownie points for it Wink).
She sounds horrible tbh-but good on you for wanting to do a nice thing and being the bigger person.

BakeOffBiscuits · 10/10/2016 13:57

I have a very difficult SIL so I understand your situation. Over the past 20 years I've learnt to ignore her behaviour and treat her as if she's a nice, thoughtful person (haha).

Evwryone else knows she's a silly cow "difficult", so I would give them the baby things. Or maybe sell half and give them half?

Original poster
judybloomno5 · 10/10/2016 13:57

I'm disorganised unless it involves a spreadsheet and he's not. I watch the stock markets and he does the cooking. It's just our personalities just like it's her personality to ring up and herd people and his to lock himself away with his trains!

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 10/10/2016 14:01

Just leave her alone.
She isn't interested.