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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to stay with inlaws or have them stay with us. Is DH being U or am I?

74 replies

MountainRoute · 09/10/2016 09:48

Last year his parents visited us (from overseas) and stayed 6weeks in our apartment. I found this very stressful, cramped and intrusive but was prepared to give it a go as DH wanted it so much. I've since told him it didn't work- they seemed unhappy and tense, I was on edge all the time and hated sharing my space. I like some privacy at home, without personal space I feel angry and trapped.

Now they want us to go stay with them for a few weeks. They have a 3-bed apartment so spare bedrooms, but one bathroom. I can't face it! I don't want to stay in their home.

I've told DH I'm happy for us to visit his parents in their home country but only if we rent a holiday apartment or get a hotel nearby. I'm happy to meet them everyday for trips and spend lots of time at their place. He's very upset as the main reason for visiting is to 'spend time as a family'. I've said he can spend as much time as he wants at their place, but I want somewhere to escape to at night, and our own bathroom.

He says I'm refusing to compromise but I feel I am compromising and he's trying to lay down the law!

OP posts:
AverageGayLadAtChristmas · 09/10/2016 09:51

I don't think YANBU, and I thought that the second I read "Stayed 6 weeks in our apartment"! SIX WEEKS?

Not sure I could manage 6 days...

However, if you got a holiday apartment, could you maybe spend the weekends with his parents? And have the rest of the time by yourselves?

MidnightRunner87 · 09/10/2016 09:53

I agree with you, even if it was my own family rather than in laws it would be my idea of hell. I need my space, my dh used to force the issue with regards to bil staying here for weeks on end, it completely destroyed what relationship bil and I did have as it made us both so resentful of each other.
What you have suggested is an ideal compromise and one which he should be gratefully accepting.

SabineUndine · 09/10/2016 10:01

I'm guessing you're an introvert? Me too and this lack of privacy is an introvert's idea of hell. I would say to your OH you are happy to have an apartment or hotel on the doorstep of your PILs' place and to be there for every meal, but you MUST have your own space to retreat to.

Trills · 09/10/2016 10:02

the main reason for visiting is to 'spend time as a family'

Does he realise that this is not actually a thing that most families do?

Families who leave near each other don't stay in each others houses for weeks on end.

The only reason you should have to do it is if you really can't afford to see them and stay elsewhere.

Day visits should be fine.

rollonthesummer · 09/10/2016 10:05

Yanbu!

Allthewaves · 09/10/2016 10:10

Could u do a week (or 4 days) staying with his parents then a wk in a villa

WatchingFromTheWings · 09/10/2016 10:11

What about a compromise? Half the time at theirs, half in a holiday apartment?

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 10:15

This is a MN trope isn't it. U.K. Woman marries overseas man, possible cultural issues, conservative in laws etc. Post marriage, man wants his parents to come and stay for weeks on end because in his culture that's what families do, especially after grandkids born. Woman expected to cook for and entertain said in laws while man works.

What I always wonder is how it's possible to reach marriage with somebody without already broadly agreeing expectations re overseas inlaws?

JacquesHammer · 09/10/2016 10:16

I think YABU to refuse point blank without any compromise.

How about a week staying with PILs and then a fortnight in a rental?

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 10:19

OP has offered compromise. Long visit to inlaws but not sharing accommodation. Her DH may well want to spend more time or more initiate time, she isn't stopping him.

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 10:19

Intimate

SuburbanRhonda · 09/10/2016 10:30

How about a week staying with PILs and then a fortnight in a rental?

You mean one-third of the time with the PIL and two-thirds on their own? That could be done better by having a rental apartment for the whole time and having days out and meals with the PIL. And would avoid the shared bathroom problem.

diddl · 09/10/2016 10:34

But you can spend time as a family by having meals/evenings at theirs.

You don't have to stay there!

That said, I do stay with my dad when I visit.

One of the first things he says is "you will make sure to see x, y & z whilst your're here".

He loves me really!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/10/2016 10:35

Stick to your guns OP, I would need my space too.

oblada · 09/10/2016 10:39

I would put up with it because I understand the husband here and in laws. Similar experience here and my MIL comes for 2months at a time. Not always easy for her or me but I adjust for the kids and with time it has become much easier.
Having said that if you have the money to rent a holiday apartment this compromise seems perfectly reasonable too.

Dontpanicpyke · 09/10/2016 10:43

No couldn't stand this, your feelings are just as valid as his. You did it and hated it. He should respect your views.

PhilomenaCatLover · 09/10/2016 10:51

I think YABU. But of course I say this while my mum in law is on her way from the airport for a 2 month visit, and both DH and I happily stay in our family homes sharing bathrooms when we visit 2x a year. And we're very happy :)
But obviously I'm not Caucasian British, and I can totally understand how all these might cause many to recoil in horror.. honestly, no judgement and different strokes for different folks.

But I find it ridiculous that you couldn't discuss and agree on these issues with your partner before getting married, and the condescending tone with which you're now on MN sneering at their "strange" expectations. These expectations are perfectly normal in many parts of the world and no one (presumably) forced you to marry someone from a very different culture.

Sorry for the rant, I just found OPs post frankly ridiculous. It's totally reasonable that you find this uncomfortable. It's not reasonable that you didn't discuss this previously and are now sneering on MN asking for others to back up your view as though this expectation is ridiculous in all contexts.

EdamameCrisp · 09/10/2016 10:55

Why does it have to be for so long? Are they very far away? My inlaws are overseas too and I too find their visits suffocating even though they are lovely people.

But I understand that from their point of view they want you to stay with them. My pil would be horrified if we stayed elsewhere when visiting. They'd feel very rejected. And I don't know if know if you have dc but my pil love seeing my dd at breakfast and then doing bath and bedtime.

If shorter visits aren't an option then why don't you suggest going somewhere as a family for a week of the stay? You all stay in a hotel and you get your own space. And it's a nicer holiday for you too.

Original poster
MountainRoute · 09/10/2016 10:56

Thing is, I don't want to even stay 1 night in their apartment. I wouldn't mind so much if they had an ensuite guestroom but I hate sharing bathrooms and being forced to have breakfast together. Also DD gets up at 6am (DH's parents get up around 10am) so I'd struggle to keep her entertained in someone else's home and be anxious about waking everyone.

I want to have a base where we can set up home for the duration, where I can escape to, where I can cook if I don't want to eat with them. I don't like many of the dishes DH and his family like and they eat very late around 9-10pm (I'd rather eat with DD at 6pm).

I know different cultures/families do things differently but I feel we tried it his way last year and it didn't work.

OP posts:
EdamameCrisp · 09/10/2016 11:02

After your update, although I can understand you feeling suffocated, I do think you sound inflexible. Not even one night! Do you know how your pil feel about this? And doesn't your dh want to spend time in his family home too?

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 09/10/2016 11:04

If you do stay with them, let DD play loudly at 6am. They won't invite you again.

Seriously it sounds horrendous. The rental is one solution or alternatively DH takes one/both of the children to stay with his parents and leaves you behind. You could have a last minute illness perhaps.

MizzEmma · 09/10/2016 11:05

Morris nowhere in the OP does it say that the poster is British married to a foreign man.

My DH and I are both British living overseas. Both my parents and his will be coming to stay with us for several weeks this year.

Before we got married and for several years afterwards we all lived in the same country so while I agree with the principle of hashing these things out before marriage circumstances can and do change regarding which country everyone lives in over the course of a relationship.

OP my person compromise would be either a very short visit staying at his parents or a longer visit in a hotel.

Original poster
MountainRoute · 09/10/2016 11:07

Philomena why do you think I'm 'sneering'?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/10/2016 11:09

Yanbu, get a rental.

imnotreally · 09/10/2016 11:15

I think yabu. Part of marriage is accepting the family. What's wrong with sharing a bathroom?! If they're prepared to have you stop they have to accept that dd will be up earlier. And can't you cook? And ask that you feed dd earlier? Tho depends how long you are going for. Couple of weeks it makes sense. I can understand why you may struggle if it's for longer. Can't you use your own room to retire to?

I think you need to have an open discussion with your DH and pil. I'm sure they will want to make you feel welcome.

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