Not wanting to stay with inlaws or have them stay with us. Is DH being U or am I?

[MountainRoute]

Last year his parents visited us (from overseas) and stayed 6weeks in our apartment. I found this very stressful, cramped and intrusive but was prepared to give it a go as DH wanted it so much. I've since told him it didn't work- they seemed unhappy and tense, I was on edge all the time and hated sharing my space. I like some privacy at home, without personal space I feel angry and trapped.

Now they want us to go stay with them for a few weeks. They have a 3-bed apartment so spare bedrooms, but one bathroom. I can't face it! I don't want to stay in their home.

I've told DH I'm happy for us to visit his parents in their home country but only if we rent a holiday apartment or get a hotel nearby. I'm happy to meet them everyday for trips and spend lots of time at their place. He's very upset as the main reason for visiting is to 'spend time as a family'. I've said he can spend as much time as he wants at their place, but I want somewhere to escape to at night, and our own bathroom.

He says I'm refusing to compromise but I feel I am compromising and he's trying to lay down the law!

Yanbu. I couldn't cope with anyone staying here. Day visits only. Same for us going to see others. We stay nearby and visit for days. Need my own space. Don't feel bad as it isn't my fault I have conditions that make this the way it is.

Could you as a family unit plus the IL's rent a bigger villa somewhere nice that has plenty of accommodation and two bathrooms? That way neither part of the family is on "home-ground" so no real expectations as to what is "normal" or "acceptable" you wouldn't be trespassing in someone else's kitchen if you wanted to make an earlier meal and you'd have the bathroom privacy that you need.

WTF is it with all the being white shit on this thread?

Philomenacatlover : it seems alien to white British people to live with family for extended periods of time.

Mummyof little dragons : No way would my kid be setting foot on politically unstable soil. As white British, I'd feel extremely insecure.

Perhaps it's not part of british culture to live with family for long periods, but that sure as hell isn't anything to do your skin colour. Being white does not make anyone more or less happy to share a bathroom. Being white is not a culture. Would black, brown or purple people not feel insecure taking their dcs to a politically unstable country? Or does something about having white skin make it much more unpleasant to get blown up.

Have we just gone back fifty years in a time warp or something?

Haffdonga. I'm sorry you took offence. I can only speak for myself and not for anyone else regardless of heritage. I would be scared because I'd stand out with my light skin and hair. That was my observation. Not how anyone else would feel. Friends took their two dds to turkey this summer and were there during the bombing. No way would I go there at the moment. Muslim parents took their 8 yr old dd to Mecca. Different people, different circumstances. Do I think they potentially put their and their children's lives at risk? Yes. But it's their choice and as I said, I can only speak for myself.

How about a week staying with PILs and then a fortnight in a rental?

This sounds like a compromise to me.

Haffdonga - not sure what you find offensive TBH - the Caucasian brits I know would usually cringe at the idea of spending SIX weeks with family in a flat. The black and brown British people I know (and I belong to one of these groups) often don't find this that unusual. I said I was happy to be corrected if my impression was wrong, and an Australian poster said they would also not find it unusual.

I didn't make the comment about political instability, but you have a sample size of at least one person (+ few others above on the thread) who actually don't find it tremendously weird to share a bathroom.

Anyway, not interested in a screaming match TBH - the OP added a lot of other details to her situation and should just talk to her husband to come up with a compromise. And good luck to her with that! I can appreciate how strange it would feel to have to live in such close quarters if it's not something you feel is normal.

What I find offensive, Philomena is assuming that family preferences are based on skin colour rather than family culture and background.

So in my mixed race family, my son with darker skin colour will be happy to spend weeks sharing a flat with the extended family but my son with fairer colouring will cringe at this? Really? I'll obviously have to start saving for my white son's hotel bills.

Utter bollocks.

Sorry, OP. I will hijack no more. I just thought we'd moved beyond the dark ages of casual racist sterotyping in the UK.

I like my privacy and space and time to myself. But before we married do and I spoke at great length about our cultural differences, I'd think that would be a fairly standard conversation. Checking expectations and compatibility before you jump in.

I knew going in that hotels wouldn't be an option when his parents come to stay. We've been married over 10 years and while it took some getting used to it's worth it to see dh so happy with his family here. And we have all managed to get along.

It would be unbelievably selfish to say I couldn't adapt to my husbands culture for even one night.

I should add to my post that I find it offensive that some posters think the typical British way of doing things is the right way. Yes my husband is an adult with his own family now, but in his culture that includes more than two generations. It's about compromise and anybody who says no way would they do that wouldn't be likely to be in a mixed cultural relationship.

Fair point Haffdonga - thinking about it further, I do mean different people have different expectations of what is normal based on their individual family cultures and heritage and it actually shouldn't have anything to do with skin colour.

I felt a bit put out at so many of the posters above just assuming that this is unreasonable or weird or bizzare (SIX WEEKS). So what would we call it - is it traditional British culture? But I'd find that hurtful as well because I'm British too, is what I consider traditional culture not part of the British mainstream? Anywhoo - not what the thread is about, but on reflection I was using white British as shorthand for "British majority culture" or something to that effect and I shouldn't have used the shorthand since it can be offensive.

Fair enough Philomena Agree with you on that.

I assumed you're from different cultures because it seems alien to white British people to live with family for extended periods of time

Yes we are from different cultures.
I think staying with family for long periods of time must be lovely if everyone's comfortable with it. I'm aware that it's the norm throughout much of Asia/ME/FE and I'm not sneering at it at all. I'm just saying it doesn't work for me. I tried it. Actually I envy people who are comfortable with it. Must be very freeing to stay with friends/family anywhere in the world without worrying about bathrooms, space, routines, being seen in your pyjamas etc.

When my DC are adults I would never put pressure on them to bring their families to stay with us. If they wanted the space/privacy of a hotel why would it matter, if we spent quality time during the day.

Something I found hard when inlaws visited was not being able to communicate. I don't speak their language and they only speak a bit of English. It's very isolating when the other 3 adults in your household are chatting away all the time and you can't join in or understand and have no idea what's going on or what they think or feel.
Just felt like a constant strain being around them, all the guesswork and misunderstandings.
If we have a family holiday to DH's home country I want it to be enjoyable for me as well as DH and DC... not be counting the days until I can escape! I don't understand why DH can't get his head round this. Surely if we stay in a holiday flat near his parents that's almost as good as staying with them? I really don't understand what the benefits are to staying in family home. To me it's all negatives.

YABU if you won't even stay one night in their home. I am British and when visiting family always stay in their homes for at least some of the time

Why is staying in someone's home considered part of being polite? I just don't understand it.

Why is it rude to be honest and say 'i'd rather have our own base nearby so we can stick to our own routines/have our own bathroom and kitchen/not worry about DC waking everyone up' etc?

I've suggested a holiday somewhere else, in hotels, with inlaws, but DH says it's not the same as staying with family.

Given your medical condition it makes sense that you'd want to stay somewhere that means you do have access to a bathroom as needed.

Is there any way of meeting in a politically stable holiday location somewhere between the two countries, and renting a holiday home with enough bedrooms and bathrooms?

I sympathise OP, I am in a similar situation re: DH wanting to visit 'home'. In my case I am going to grin and bear it (but I don't have IBS) although if the political situation gets worse I will refuse to go/take DS (luckily DH would agree with me on that even if his parents wouldn't be happy.)

Are the flights expensive? Ours will be so at least we can only go every 3/4 years.

I'm an extrovert and still don't enjoy "staying with" or hosting for more than a few nights. I guess it depends on economics, we used to stay with my parents and them with us which worked fine until my father became infirm. Once he'd died my elderly mother had to stay with us and used to come for 3 weeks which was very stressful. My DH's parents who were wealthier used to stay nearby. As my DH says it come down to not being able to fart in your own house or sit in your boxers if you want to....

OP, I fully understand why staying in their home might seem too much, especially for such a long period, and the holiday flat seems a good idea.

At the same time, as somebody in a cross-cultural marriage (and being the foreign part), I can't help thinking that you do sound very much as if you felt your family was going to be your-culture-only and you could run it entirely on your terms. You haven't learnt your dh's language, you don't like their food, you don't want to adapt to any of their customs even for a short time, and you want your own routines which fit in with your cultural expectations. Where is your dh in all this? Isn't it his family too? Aren't your dc his dc too?

I am wondering if what you are expecting is not for your dh to do all the legwork of adapting to a different culture. Does he end up having to basically pretend that he has a different past and a different culture to what he actually does? To my way of thinking, that is asking a lot.

When I married an Englishman, I knew there would have to be compromises. I would never have consented to doing it all according to his cultural expectations, but equally I knew I could never expect him to conform entirely to my cultural expectations.

How about him going there for 3 weeks on his own with dd?
I think this would kerp everyone happy.

What about having a holiday apartment that you and DD can sleep in while DH sleeps in his family home of sleeping there is that important to him

Well there are several options I would present to DH. Option 4 being the least preferable.
I would present these compromises along with "your parents are lovely but I don't want to stay because of dd, bathrooms etc - I want to enjoy their company rather than get frustrated etc"

1. You stay with them for a week then do your own thing renting somewhere else on a proper holiday, just the three of you.
2. You rent somewhere nearby for the whole duration. He can spend as much time as he wants there sometimes on his own, sometimes just him and dd and sometimes all three of you. Then you both get a holiday that you enjoy and wish to repeat in other years.
3. DH and dd go for longer and you stay at home, popping over and staying there for a week or DH goes for longer and you and dd go for a week.
4. You all go and he has a miserable wife who resents using all her annual leave and doesn't get a proper holiday.

Option 2 is the no brainier.

YANBU, OP.

I couldn't stand it either.

My BIL had a major strop with my DH some years ago because we booked a hotel instead of staying with him and his dysfunctional family

Book the hotel

OP you asked Why is staying in someone's home considered part of being polite? I just don't understand it

I can't answer for everybody but for my own situation the answer would be that hospitality is seen as an extremely important part of dh's family's culture. Guests are treated as VIPs and the family share what they have even if they're poor and they are sharing the last loaf of bread. To refuse this hospitality would be seen as the height of rudeness. It would be taken as a sign that you don't like them or don't think they're good enough for you.

Put it terms of British culture, it would be equivalent to throwing away a present they'd bought for you in front of them or telling somebody that their house is not nice enough for you to visit. Just very very rude, insulting and unappreciative.

I can really understand the stress you experience in their home. I have been in that situation before, but I do think unless you deliberately want to insult your dh's family you need to stay for some of the time.

I agree on hospitality being v important in some cultures. I sympathise fully with you re IBS it can't be easy. But I also fully understand why staying somewhere other than his parents' isn't a welcome option for them. Yes it may be tricky, especially with language barrier, but then again I would (and do) see this as an opportunity to bond, a great experience for your DC etc. To be honest I made the efforts initially for my children. My MIL came at the birth of both my girls and stayed for 2-3months each time. I barely knew her then but I allowed it because..well because she is family and it was important to her. It wasn't easy but now I'm very glad I did it. I am much more comfortable around her and my kids fully benefit from the cross cultural mix! It is worth it with time! They are, after all, family!