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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to stay with inlaws or have them stay with us. Is DH being U or am I?

74 replies

MountainRoute · 09/10/2016 09:48

Last year his parents visited us (from overseas) and stayed 6weeks in our apartment. I found this very stressful, cramped and intrusive but was prepared to give it a go as DH wanted it so much. I've since told him it didn't work- they seemed unhappy and tense, I was on edge all the time and hated sharing my space. I like some privacy at home, without personal space I feel angry and trapped.

Now they want us to go stay with them for a few weeks. They have a 3-bed apartment so spare bedrooms, but one bathroom. I can't face it! I don't want to stay in their home.

I've told DH I'm happy for us to visit his parents in their home country but only if we rent a holiday apartment or get a hotel nearby. I'm happy to meet them everyday for trips and spend lots of time at their place. He's very upset as the main reason for visiting is to 'spend time as a family'. I've said he can spend as much time as he wants at their place, but I want somewhere to escape to at night, and our own bathroom.

He says I'm refusing to compromise but I feel I am compromising and he's trying to lay down the law!

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 09/10/2016 11:19

I've been in this sitution and do understand your feelings but I have also been on the other side.

When you only have the chance to see your parents once a year or less and when you are desparate to show off the new grandchildren to that side of the family - to say, sorry family, we are staying in a hotel down the road because we can't face sharing a bathroom with you, it feels incredibly cold and unfriendly.

I think as it's only occasional you have to suck it up, smile sweetly and take lots of books that you can escape with to your room.

(Imagine your adult ds telling you that he couldn't stay in your house because his wife didn't like eating breakfast together. Me, I'd be deeply hurt and not impressed with DIL.)

PhilomenaCatLover · 09/10/2016 11:23

Hi OP! Apologies if I was projecting too much. Perhaps you aren't sneering and are genuinely struggling.
Also, I assumed you're from different cultures because it seems alien to white British people to live with family for extended periods of time. I'm happy to be corrected on this if that's not the case.
I felt it was sneering because you're clearly asking people to agree with you that it is unreasonable for anyone to expect ILs to visit and stay for 6 weeks in the same flat. It may not work for you - you and your partner should have discussed it earlier, or should discuss it now.

But, it isn't unreasonable to have ILs or family come stay for so long in many other cultures. It's perfectly fine.

Also 'spending time with family' doesn't have to be in quotation marks. It actually is a reason that I would give if someone asked why I share close quarters with my family and ILs when we visit each other. I enjoy having coffee in the morning in my pyjamas in my ILs dining room while my husband is off debating crossword clues with a neighbour. It may seems intrusive to you, but it actually isn't unreasonable for many many others.

That said, it's irrelevant to your particular issue. If it makes you feel so uncomfortable, talk to your husband. But a whole bunch of white British people on MN agreeing with you doesn't advance your argument with your husband either way IMO!

hesterton · 09/10/2016 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oblada · 09/10/2016 11:25

Philo makes some v good points here.

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 11:26

I have a DS. When he grows up I hope he visits and stays in our home. But on occasions when he has partner and or kids in tow, I'd fully expect them to want the privacy of a nearby hotel. Tbh I'd appreciate the privacy too.

I cant imagine judging another woman for not wanting to share a bathroom with people she isn't related to. I wouldn't do it myself.

If I was lucky enough to have spare rooms and en suites then I guess it might feel different but I don't.

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 11:29

So often the cultural divide comes with a side order of sexist expectations too ie dil runs round like blue arsed fly while the men watch sports or whatever.

LuchiMangsho · 09/10/2016 11:32

This is the kind of thing for which there is no right or wrong. My parents come for 6-8 weeks because tickets and visas are so expensive and they are elderly. The same with my MIL. Yes it's a bit of a pain but just as I love seeing my parents I assume DH likes having his parents around too. In the grand scheme of our lives/careers together we both see it as a minor inconvenience.

Original poster

MountainRoute · 09/10/2016 11:33

Good to get different perspectives, thanks

I do accept I'm being a bit inflexible. But I also think I've compromised a lot and it's DH's turn to compromise too. I wouldn't visit this country for a holiday unless he wanted to (politically unstable etc) and TBH I have no wish to spend my annual leave with inlaws. But I recognise it's important he sees his family and for DC to understand their hertitage. So I'm prepared to go, just have separate accommodation. I'm an introvert DH is extrovert.

Re bathrooms, I have IBD and travel tends to bring on a flare-up. I would find this very humiliating and awkward in his parents bathroom and no garantee loo would be accessible. I'm also fussy about food because of this.

When we visit my parents we stay in a hotel. Like me they find it stressful having guests, they'd be embarassed if DH saw them in their dressing gowns!

OP posts:

PhilomenaCatLover · 09/10/2016 11:33

Err sure MorrisZapp, thanks for that. And if the OP mentioned any such sexist expectations then I'd totally be suggesting she tell ILs to take a hike. I'm not saying it doesn't happen.. but just saying that's not what the OP was about in any way.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/10/2016 11:34

Mountain, don't beat yourself up.
You tried this before, remember, for SIX whole weeks, you found it very difficult, as would I.
Stick to your guns !
However, if your DH does compromise, he may ask that his family, once again, stay with you.🤔

Lunar1 · 09/10/2016 11:37

Stay at home and let your husband and children go stay with their family. I'm British, dh is indian. His mum and dad stay with us every year for a few months, it took me a while to adjust but its what you sign up for in a multicultural relationship.

You are putting far to many restrictions on your husband and children seeing their family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2016 11:37

I'm introverted and this would be my idea of hell having done it myself. Dh is foreign and we used to go every year at least twice a year to his parents house. I have now flat refused to stay any more than 3 nights. We have to food shop, fil doesn't cook a meal for our arrival and expects to be waited on. I'm chronically ill and have far less energy than him He's fit as a fiddle, cycles 40kms in the summer a couple of times a week despite being almost 80. The longest I stayed was 3 weeks after MIL died and we often stayed a week or longer.

Thing is, you are already compromising by taking up a lot of dhs holiday days and going to be with them for such a prolonged period. I would perhaps offer the 3 night thing but only if you stay in rental more than half an hours drive away the rest of the time so that you get family days without them and some days with them. Otherwise, stay locally for the whole time in rental.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2016 11:45

Just seen your update. No way would my kid be setting foot on politically unstable soil. As white British, I'd feel extremely insecure. It's different for your dh being a native perhaps as he understands the politics better And I get the IBD thing. You need your privacy. I am not happy for dh to take dd so far away from home right now, she's 8. Dh was thinking about taking her to father's house next year but dd doesn't want to go anyway - just to see a rugby match. I would leave your dh to go by himself tbh.

GabsAlot · 09/10/2016 11:46

ynbu-i ont like it even for a few days

as nice as my fil is i just dont feel comfrtable in my own home-im n ot good at hosting as i suffer anxiety

if he wants to see them he can all day dont give in

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 11:53

Stay with them for a week or so, then go off touring for a bit, then back at the end for another week?

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 11:56

because it seems alien to white British people to live with family for extended periods of time. I'm happy to be corrected on this if that's not the case.
We do this, not all white British though, some Australian.

Memoires · 09/10/2016 12:00

Stay with them for a couple of days. Let dd get,up at 6am and play as noisily as she wants. Don't try to keep her quiet, this is living as a family isn't it? Likewise the loo, just bang on the door if it's not free and yell that you need it NOW.

They may be happy for you to go off to a hotel.

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 12:04

Compromise should be on both sides, surely they realise that small children can't wait until 10 am for their breakfast (who stays in bed until 10 o'clock when they have people staying fgs?) and that 9 pm is far too late for a small child to be eating.
If they want to stick to that then they will have to compromise and let you use the kitchen. I think sharing the bathroom is a bit of an excuse, we have to do that when we visit and I miss our ensuite.
They were parents too, they must realise that their routine is not suitable for a small child and adjust.

Womble75 · 09/10/2016 12:06

I can empathise my DH family is from overseas and when they stay they stay 6 weeks minimum. It's normal in their culture but I do find it very hard. I'm like you and a total introvert and need my space.
The worst was when they came a month after my DD was born and it really hit me badly - traumatic birth, very ill took a long time to recover and that made things so much worse.
As time has gone on I've kind of accepted I have to sort of put up with it to a certain extent but I do have to put my foot down very nicely re boundaries in the home but God it was hard to start with.
At the end of the day they are his mum and dad and I think how hard it must be not to see them apart from once every 18months or so.
It's part of being in a marriage where different cultures have different expectations of what is "normal". In their culture a DIL would never stand up or question the MIL but they also understand that their son didn't marry someone from their country so we have a mutual understanding now but it took time.
My DH Is the oldest son and as such it's expected he sends home money to help his parents each month. This is totally alien to me and times when we have been struggling it's been a real bone of contention.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's all about compromise. I guess I'm lucky in the fact we don't visit their country (political issues and kidnap worry where they live) and they only come when it's warm and we are in a position to help with air fares etc. Being pregnant again it won't be for awhile!

NameChange30 · 09/10/2016 12:12

They stayed at yours for SIX WEEKS?! That's far too long, I would never have agreed to that. If you have a mansion with a guest wing, or a big garden with a granny annex, it might be ok, but it's still a long time to entertain guests.

How far away do his parents live? How long does the journey take? If they're on the other side of the world, I'd understand the long visits, but if they're closer, I'd prefer little and often.

For example, you could have three visits a year - they visit you once, you visit them once, and you meet halfway and stay in rented accommodation (with plenty of room for everyone!) once.

My personal limit for staying in the same house as the in-laws (or anyone tbh!) is one week, but we have more than one bathroom and sometimes do things separately.

I suggest that you either stay at your in-laws' flat for no more than one week (or less if you couldn't cope for a whole week) or, if your DH wants to go for longer, book an apart-hotel or Airbnb place for the whole stay. (And the same rule should go for when the in-laws visit you.)

sandragreen · 09/10/2016 12:16

YANBU, DH is the one who won't compromise and is being inflexible.

user1471544305 · 09/10/2016 12:16

Not sure why the card that it's his parents. He is an adult now with his own family and his own life. Being raised by parents until you leave home doesn't mean you have to give up on the finer things with your own family like holidays etc. They don't bend to accommodate you when you visit that's actually really rude. Id definately not stay with them the mere thought of having do that that would cause me to have a breakdown.

imnotreally · 09/10/2016 12:24

Ok the fact that it's a politically unstable country and your IBD makes a lot more sense. I can understand needing a bathroom and the 'right' food. Also understand you not wanting to spend your annual leave there. I was looking at it from the perspective of a sahm

I can see both sides. Can't you just go for a week?

OlennasWimple · 09/10/2016 12:25

Bit of a drip feed about your IBS...

NameChange30 · 09/10/2016 12:39

And here come the drip feed accusations

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