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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me???

89 replies

Smokingchimney · 08/10/2016 09:05

I have a sister who, I'm not close to at all. I love her but I don't like her and I don't particularly like being in her company. I dint see her very often and I feel she uses me when she wants me to look after her kids as it's the only time she ever contacts me.

She is getting married in a few weeks, our dad is terminally ill so she has brought the wedding forward.
I'm not part of the bridal party and neither are my own children. I'm fine about me not being part of it but I was a tiny bit annoyed when she chose her friends children to be bridesmaids & pageboys but not her own nieces and nephew.

Anyway, because the wedding was brought forward she has had to scale it down dramatically and now cannot afford to have a professional photographer or any wedding cars.
She has text me to ask if she can stay at mine the night before the wedding. I said that was fine after all she lives with her partner so he will be in their home the night before. I have since found out, it's not just her who will be staying with me but also her 4 bridesmaids who I don't really know. She has also told my mum I will be taking them all to the church and my husband will be doing the photos ???????

I've been told none of this, and I'm raging. I'm absolutely fucking raging, BUT I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'm raging just because it's her. I'm not even invited to the hen night because I'm been told "its just me my friends and mum that's invited' but her partners sisters are invited.

So tell me, is it me?

OP posts:
Booboopidoo · 08/10/2016 11:18

I would do what You says and text too and no, I wouldn't be hosting bridesmaids if it might upset my DD either. State clearly what you're happy to do (and what you're not) and don't be afraid to point out that you hadn't agreed to anymore than that in the first place, it's not your fault your sister has assumed without asking. It doesn't sound like your Dad is all that bothered about the wedding so as long as you make it clear any unpleasantness is coming from Dsis because she's not getting her own way I don't see that you will upset him. Sorry to hear about his diagnosis Flowers

bloodyteenagers · 08/10/2016 11:20

I would text her back - hope your busy arranging accommodation for the uninvited guests. Would have been nice to be asked about this btw. What other plans do you have for us that we are unaware of?

Julietsnurse1 · 08/10/2016 11:21

I think you sound like a lovely sister. And I'm so sorry about your dad.

I think she's being completely unreasonable.

But, on top of her normal mode if being, I wonder if she is using this as displacement activity from focusing on your dad's death? It sounds a bit like it to me. Esp when you say she's arguing about everything.

I Would be furious, but prob suck it up. You don't need worse rows later on.

Whocansay · 08/10/2016 11:22

I think you are being incredibly understanding given the circumstances. I can't believe she's making this time all about her when your dad is so ill.

I would text her back and tell her she can stay but no-one else. You don't need this shit. Flowers

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/10/2016 11:37

Just had a thought...

I was going to suggest your DP did the photography if he was happy to do so but then it occurred to me that you sister may expect professional-quality photos at the end of it, and how is she going to react if they're not up to scratch? You say he's not a professional, and I'm sure your sister knows that, but I wouldn't be surprised if her expectations aren't higher. The last thing you need is her ranting forever more that you've ruined the big day.

(She may not be quite so unreasonable, I'm just thinking of my sibling who would definitely react like that. She complained I'd not spent enough on a wedding gift to her despite my being a young teen at the time with only pocket money to spend on her. She'd got a very nice gift from me, but it wasn't enough and she wouldn't keep going on about it until my mother bought her something else "from me".)

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 11:42

Just a thought but could you, dh and the kids decamp somewhere else to other relations? Even if it means between splitting 2 houses. You may come back to a messy house but at least you wouldn't have to put up with an excited bride (who you don't get on with) and her hens for the night and the next day getting ready and expecting you all to be at their beck and call. Then you could just pick them up, take them to the venue and make it very clear they make their own way home. Where are the bridesmaids staying on the wedding night?!

It's a difficult time you need to protect and look after yourself Flowers.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/10/2016 11:56

God I wouldn't leave my house so my entitled sister could bring her entourage or my house to have sleepover and leave the place a tip for me to clear up after her.

Just tell her you haven't got time or space for more than her by herself to be there, you definitely aren't available for babysitting (make up an urgent work deadline if it helps), and tell her your husband can't do the photos, she will cause a fuss if the photos aren't what she expects I've heard brides getting very worked up for ages after for wedding photos that aren't perfect.

I'm so sorry about your dads diagnosis.

Don't let your sister walk all over you, you don't need a massive row about it. It's your home she doesn't get to dictate who stays at yours.

bloodyteenagers · 08/10/2016 12:08

The op leave her house.. really? Why should she? Would you really do this and allow 4 unknown people, plus loads of kids stay without you?
Plus play cab driver and cleaner?

Op don't even think about that. If your sis comes up with this grand plan, tell her to fuck off no

Benedikte2 · 08/10/2016 12:31

I think Lyingwitch's suggestions are spot on -- and everything needs to be set out plainly before the wedding to avoid meltdowns on the day.
If your DH is willing then pics outside church with all care and no responsibility agreement.
This is a second wedding so madness to have the full works. Tell her to get her first wedding photos photoshopped to replace new husband for first husband!!!
You might have 4 bedrooms but they are already fully occupied unless you have a mansion.
Ask MacMillian if their counselling is put on medical records or is "off the record". I shouldn't think though that counselling to enable one to support and assist a dying parent is regarded as evidence of mental health issues etc. Totally different and actually good evidence of coping with stress in a healthy and appropriate way.
Been there and done that OP and don't wish it on anyone -- you don't get over it but it does get easier. You are right in making your DF your top priority but he sounds resilient enough not to allow any discord caused by your sister to affect him too deeply. Knowing he has one unselfish daughter there to support your DM will be a comfort to him.

Daydream007 · 08/10/2016 12:50

YANBU. That is so cheeky.

Charley50 · 08/10/2016 13:13

Gosh! She is being totally cheeky and out of order. All those extras she has mentioned to your mum; she needs to ask you. Then you can say no. I agree that you need to let her know what you won't be doing as it sounds like if not, she will wait till days before the wedding and put it on you, making you seem nasty when you refuse.
Love the photoshop new husband over old one idea. Genius.

OhTheRoses · 08/10/2016 13:24

Have you got enough beds for all these visitors. When DH's sister was early 20s with Aussie bf in London and we had a three bed terrace we suddenly started getting requests when they were staying "x's bro and gf are in town with her sister and bf, it's ok if they stay right so we can see them"

"oh that would be lovely but there's only the single room, and as we are at work all day, I'm sorry but we can't cope with that may visitors"

Scarydinosaurs · 08/10/2016 13:31

I think you have to insist that you don't have room to accommodate her plus the friends. It's too much. She hasn't even asked you, let her ask you when she rings- and then politely decline. Your house isn't big enough, you'll be too busy getting your family ready- it won't be manageable.

Oldraver · 08/10/2016 13:32

Do you mean she will be expecting the bridesmaids to stay the night ? If so I would be telling he that you dont have room

Surely it would be easier for her to get ready at her friends house...

eddielizzard · 08/10/2016 15:42

my bil does this. tells everyone else his plans except the one person he has to ask. then carries out his plans and relies on the fact that you won't call him on it and he gets away with it.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2016 15:42

it's a clever tactic, because while you're not asked, you can't say no...

ISpeakJive · 08/10/2016 16:03

Well, I can definitely see why you don't like your sister, OP.

There is no way I would allow another persons child get ready to be a bridesmaid in my house in front of my daughter!

DesolateWaist · 08/10/2016 16:09

It sound like she feels that she is the only one with a dying parent. I had similar with a sibling acting like they were the only one, not seeming to understand all her siblings were also in the same position.

It is her choice to bring the wedding forward and that is not your problem.

Tell her to naff off with staying over the night before. Yes you have a 4 bed house, but that doesn't give her the right to stay over the night before. Surely one of her gazzilion bridesmaids must have a space for her to stay.

Don't let her guilt you into letting her stay over.

1moremum · 08/10/2016 17:48

Times like this, i am just as glad I dont have any sisters. No adv ce that hasnt already been given, except this: dont worry about counseling during the period of your fathers terminal illness and death. Sadly, i can understand the fear that anything other that bereavement counselling might unreasonably seen as a problem, but surely something as short term and specific as bereavement counselling wouldnt be, or can be presented as the best thing to keep you on track at work?

Lastly, so many hugs for the daughter you are, watching a parent go is damned hard, i know.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 08/10/2016 18:03

I'd be putting them all in the lounge on the floor. When you speak to her just say "Mum says it's you plus bridesmaids staying at ours. Can you make sure they're all bringing sleeping bags as we haven't got enough bedding. If they've got blow up beds that'll be comfier than the floor.
DH will take pictures and give you a CD with them on. You can get them edited and printed as you want them.
Now do you want me to book a big cab for the bridesmaids and we'll take you? Shall I book it on your card? Or is your stbh taking care of transport?"

Heatherjayne1972 · 08/10/2016 18:13

Tbh if I didn't really get on with my sister and she hadn't bothered to tell me what she wanted from me id play dumb
I'd Pretend I didnt know about the photos and cars - if she didn't ask direct then I wouldn't 'suck it up'. And if she just turned up on the doorstep Entourage in tow expecting free bed and board I would refuse and shut the door
If she can't ask properly it's a no you wouldn't put up with this from anyone else
But then my own sister would never be so cheeky

1moremum · 08/10/2016 18:18

The appearring to work with her, by actually setting it all up the way she doesnt want, is another workable solution. If she refuses any of it, then dump that back on her, as whatever suggestion you made was the only way you could make it work, and failing that, she will have to find her own place to have a sleepover/photographer/transport.

You might toss in a mention of the incredibly cheap way you intend to feed them all too: they can pitch in to get themselves pizza the night before, and you will provide a toast and cold ceral buffet in the morning, and some sort of posh brand of tea, isnt that nice?! Biscuit

QuiteLikely5 · 08/10/2016 18:31

I would rather pay for a hotel room for them than go through what you have mentioned.

OhTheRoses · 08/10/2016 18:40

That assumes the OP has £400 for three premier inn rooms though doesn't it.

I'd offer to put up the groom, mum can stay at your sister's. And I might throw in that my own dc would love to be bm/pb and it would be lovely for,grandad to see that.

Why did her first marriage break up. She's sounding a bit like my mother. I only realised years after my youth she was a narcissist. I was just quiet and odd Hmm

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/10/2016 18:42

Jeez... Where exactly does she think everyone is going to sleep!? I'm guessing you have one spare room?

Then nine seven adults plus however many children trying to get ready in the morning.. Plus showers, breakfast etc etc