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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me???

89 replies

Smokingchimney · 08/10/2016 09:05

I have a sister who, I'm not close to at all. I love her but I don't like her and I don't particularly like being in her company. I dint see her very often and I feel she uses me when she wants me to look after her kids as it's the only time she ever contacts me.

She is getting married in a few weeks, our dad is terminally ill so she has brought the wedding forward.
I'm not part of the bridal party and neither are my own children. I'm fine about me not being part of it but I was a tiny bit annoyed when she chose her friends children to be bridesmaids & pageboys but not her own nieces and nephew.

Anyway, because the wedding was brought forward she has had to scale it down dramatically and now cannot afford to have a professional photographer or any wedding cars.
She has text me to ask if she can stay at mine the night before the wedding. I said that was fine after all she lives with her partner so he will be in their home the night before. I have since found out, it's not just her who will be staying with me but also her 4 bridesmaids who I don't really know. She has also told my mum I will be taking them all to the church and my husband will be doing the photos ???????

I've been told none of this, and I'm raging. I'm absolutely fucking raging, BUT I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'm raging just because it's her. I'm not even invited to the hen night because I'm been told "its just me my friends and mum that's invited' but her partners sisters are invited.

So tell me, is it me?

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 08/10/2016 10:01

I think it would be fair enough to say, on reflection, you can't manage all those people in your house. Could you offer to host the groom instead?

Original poster
Smokingchimney · 08/10/2016 10:05

Thanks everyone. I wouldn't be able to afford to book her a hotel room, money is tight at the moment, so tight I cant afford to give her a wedding present. I don't really have room for everyone, so I'm going to have to speak to her about this. I think she just thinks because I live in a 4 bedroom property I've got room, but I've not.

Her future DH to be honest we don't really know him plus he has 4 kids of his own who are staying with him the night before the wedding.

We have 2 cars so she is just expecting us to do the running about.

OP posts:
Starryeyed16 · 08/10/2016 10:06

I sympathise my DF has terminal cancer so I understand the situation.

Afew things I noticed you admit your not close so why would she include you in the bridal party or your children she isn't obliged to do so. I'm having a christening and I've picked my closest brother as God father, and one of my SIL as God mother as his other sister doesn't bother and I'm not close to her. I wasn't apart of my other brothers bridal party totally his choice just as its my choice over God fathers and we respect that.

Surely you can make allowances for your sister and for your DF as she's brought the wedding forward? As for the hen you again admit you don't like each other. This will be a special memory for your DF so I would try and be as helpful as you can and put a smile on his face. If you don't you may come to regret it, you don't need to be causing issues at such a sensitive time.

Starryeyed16 · 08/10/2016 10:12

Also do contact macmillian they have been amazing with my dad they have got several services and there pain management have been great pushing the staging scans equipment and overall support.

YouTheCat · 08/10/2016 10:12

Tell her no. It's either just her or it's not happening. Let her strop. Your df didn't want this. Your dm didn't either.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2016 10:13

well i think given you're not going to give her a wedding present, having her the night before will be the present instead. tell her that you said yes when you thought it was just her, but as it's all her wedding party, then they'll have to bring their own blow up mattresses and sleeping bags. at least that's something you won't need to worry about.

in general, keep your mouth shut for your dad's sake. after the wedding you don't need to do anything else for her. certainly no babysitting unless you want to.

just because you're the quiet one, doesn't mean you can't make a quiet stand. Smile

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/10/2016 10:14

You can get counselling that isn't called counselling, which can be handy for professional purposes.

Find a "life coach". Many have counselling qualifications and experience. Watch out though, quite a few so called life coaches have done a course and that's it. Avoid them. Get the right life coach and you'll find that it feels a lot like counselling.

Most senior executives have a "life coach" or a "mentor" and are quite open about it.

NoahVale · 08/10/2016 10:16

i think everyone's judgement is clouded.
Flowers

imnotreally · 08/10/2016 10:22

I'd tell her she's welcome to stop at your house but with everything going off with your dad you just can't put up all the bridesmaids as well.

Lorelei76 · 08/10/2016 10:28

I think the whole thing is too big an ask
I'd say no, but that's me
I mean id be fine for her to stay but for four others. Nor should you be used as a taxi service. If money is tight how on earth does she have four bridesmaids?

Sorry but I half wonder if she brought the wedding forward, despite your fathers comments, in a selfish way. Will he be able to cope with it all?

youarenotkiddingme · 08/10/2016 10:31

Sorry to hat your dad is terminally ill Flowers

Of course Yanbu. She is being unkind to you (hen party) and expecting a lot in return (house/cars/photos).

But if she's anything like my sister, which she sounds like, she'll be able to demand X,y and z due to circumstance (wedding being move due to illness) and leave you looking like the right bitch if you decline.

Manipulative people are very clever. Sometimes you have to not put up a fight and allow them rope to hang themselves.

Ditsy4 · 08/10/2016 10:32

Agree she is welcome but the others will have to find somewhere else.

A friend of mine put lots of cheap cameras on the tables and a box at the entrance to put them in so she could have lots of photos.
She could try contacting an art college/ uni if nearby because the students will be cheaper and photography students need to build up a portfolio.

It is awful she didn't invite you to hen do but you are probably better out of it.

Mouikey · 08/10/2016 10:33

Sorry if I have missed this but has she actually asked about all these other people staying, The taxi ride to the church/venue and the photography? If not you really need to talk to her and be clear and calm about what you are offering - a bed for her the night before the wedding!

If your husband is a professional photographer then you can make a decision as to whether he is prepared to offer his services as your gift to her. If he isn't stay well away from the wedding photography as she will not thank him for it and probably fall out because he didn't take this or that photo.

As for a lift to the church - how does she expect you to do that with 4 (?) of you and her and the bridesmaids??? Have you got a big van??

If you do t talk to her about it, do just as she asks or make up just one bed for her and only get in enough food to cover her too and don't offer to buy take away for everyone, her issue she can dort it!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/10/2016 10:38

OP You do need to say something, and sooner rather than later so she has time to sort something out for the bridesmaids.

Could you take the angle that "mum has obviously got it wrong, understandably, considering the stress she's under, but she seems to think that all the bridesmaids are staying here the night before, too. She's worried about how we'll cope for space, etc. I've told her not to worry as she's blatantly got the wrong end of the stick but it would be good if you could reassure her about this as well."

ayeokthen · 08/10/2016 10:41

It sounds to me like your dad isn't bothered about the wedding. Would he mind if you just checked out of all the shit your sis is putting on you? If he wouldn't, then do it.

DinosaursRoar · 08/10/2016 10:46

I would say no to people staying over, including her - because if she's planning your house to be the "get ready" location, even if it's just her that stays over, everyone will turn up at crack of dawn anyway.

Tell her today, particularly as you haven't been told about others staying over officially - you've thought through the logistics and actually you think it might be better if she stays over with one of her bridesmaids so they can get ready together as you think you'll struggle for space and getting your dcs ready will be enough. That you would prefer not to be hosting with everything going on.

Original poster
Smokingchimney · 08/10/2016 10:48

Thanks again everyone. I have sent her a txt this morning to say I have heard from mum about some arrangements for the wedding and I wanted to speak to her about it. The reply I got back was "i will phone you when I have time" so waiting in her contacting me.

Multipule runs is the answer to transporting everyone to the church. She had her dress and the bridesmaid dresses bought months ago so even though she has scaled down the wedding she is still having all her bridesmaids (6 including one pageboy). I won't have her children staying with me the night before the wedding because they are staying at their dads (And I think she did this so her friends and their kids could stay with me and she could have a drink with her friends).
My husband isn't a professional photographer by any means, he just has a really good camera and I think this is why she has said he will do the photography, but he certainly doesn't have the right lighting.

OP posts:
Billben · 08/10/2016 10:52

Just imagine how your children will be feeling in their own home with those kids staying, fully knowing that THEY weren't good enough to be bridesmaids/pageboys. That alone would give me enough rage to tell my sister where to stick it. You are not close to her as it is, so what are you gonna lose?

Original poster
Smokingchimney · 08/10/2016 10:54

Dinosaursroar her 2 friends who are her bridesmaids don't live anywhere near us. I had questioned this with my mum, I asked why she couldn't leave from their houses and get ready there, but apparently they don't live in nice areas and because of this my sister doesn't want to leave from either of their houses. I don't know where her friends live so I can't comment on that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smokingchimney · 08/10/2016 10:59

I know billben my youngest DD asked if she as going to be a bridesmaid and wear a pretty dress and hold some flowers, I told her no but we would get her a pretty dress and get a nice hairband with flowers, and she was okay with that, but one of bridesmaids is the same age as her, and now I know she is getting ready at my home to be a bridesmaid I think my little one might be a bit gutted.

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 08/10/2016 11:01

I do feel sorry for you as you are in such a difficult position. Just a thought here - your Dad clearly isn't that fussed about her wedding, so I am wondering if you would be doing him more of a favour if you put your foot down with your sister and said "no" to anything you're not happy with, then you can save your energy for supporting your Dad. Best of luck

YouTheCat · 08/10/2016 11:05

Well, if it's going to potentially upset your kids that'd be a definite 'no'.

I wouldn't rely on her calling you back. She'll know what it's about and will just avoid. Text or email and say your original offer to have her stay is still there but you will not be hosting anyone else, nor will you be ferrying people about or doing the photography.

ScaredAboutTheFuture · 08/10/2016 11:11

She will expect you to turf your children out of their bedrooms to accommodate her friends. Are you happy to do that?

Think that before you speak to her you need to be 100% sure with what your willing to do as you sound like a little bit of a walk over.

Then when she says they are all to stay with you, put it back in her lap by asking where exactly. Ask how you are all going to get ready. Ask about food contribution.

Once she realises that it's not going to be as easy as she wants then she might change her mind.

Also if they can't afford a smaller wedding where were they getting the money for the bigger do?

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 08/10/2016 11:16

If it were me i would ring her and say you or your dp are welcome to stay the night before the wedding but not the bridesmaids because im sure you will understand that would be unfair and cruel to my children who have not been asked to be bridesmaids or pageboys ( even though they should have been ) , i would also say im not willing to be a taxi or photographer when im not even good enough to be at the hen do , get it all out before the day to avoid arguments on the day so as not to upset your dad , i would then tell her to fuck off after but thats me , im so sorry op such a shit situation

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/10/2016 11:17

Sounds very difficult, OP. Your sister is bulldozing her arrangements through - or trying to - and by dint of 'project creep' you're now being roped in to far more than you want or can feasibly do for your sister.

I would sit down and make a list of all the tasks you're expected to take on. I would put a 'tick' by the ones that are definitely ok for you and put those aside. I would then look at what's left and put a big 'NO' next to the ones that really aren't going to work for you and your family. Then what's left is what you need to take up with your sister and redefine them. Sister staying the night? Fine - bridesmaids - NO. Any hotels to be funded by them, not you. Husband doing photography - ok, at the arrival and outside the church afterwards - those are given (or whatever ones he wants to do) - anything else is a bonus and not his responsibility. Go on through the tasks like that.

Tell your sister that you want her to have a lovely day but that there is other stuff going on, ie. your dad's illness and that is your priority also. Tell her to co-opt her bridesmaids into any other tasks that she wants - and do make the point about your daughter not being made to be upset by bridesmaids getting ready in HER home. That was pretty low of your sister.

I would also talk to my husband about it and just make sure that he knows how you feel about it all. That way he won't inadvertently offer more than you've painstakingly agreed to.

I'm sorry about your Dad. Thanks