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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wants DPs Mums name as middle name?

83 replies

BombayBonsai · 07/10/2016 20:41

I thought we had agreed on a middle name for our baby.

We are actually rethinking the first name at the moment and DP when saying a name we are discussing back said first name, mums name, surname.

This is new to me and I actually don't like it. He hasn't said anything as of yet as the conversation was cut short but I think it may be because DD1 has my Mums name as a middle name. She's from a previous relationship though and I happen to have the same middle name.

Should I cave on this?

OP posts:
Original poster
BombayBonsai · 07/10/2016 23:14

He doesn't have one.

OP posts:
Original poster
BombayBonsai · 07/10/2016 23:16

Just looked up the meaning and there genuinely isn't anything I can pull from it.

OP posts:
Jinglebellsandv0dka · 07/10/2016 23:17

So a mother gets the final say in anything going forward because they are the one that carried and laboured the DC

Sounds like a plan! Grin

FishSauce555 · 07/10/2016 23:21

What about his mum's middle name as a compromise? Would that work?

Original poster
BombayBonsai · 07/10/2016 23:24

Her middle name is her mothers name and they don't get on.

OP posts:
katemess12 · 07/10/2016 23:29

Maybe she could choose a middle name? That way you aren't using her name, but the name is still "after" her.

Woody67 · 07/10/2016 23:38

If your other child has your mums name then it seems fair enough to have your mil name unless it's really horrible. My DD died when I was pregnant with DS2 and I really wanted the baby to have his name as a link between them. It meant a lot to me. How upset would your DH be if you didn't have it

Wdigin2this · 07/10/2016 23:40

Is there a variation on the name you could use, like Marietta for Mary?

Fififerry1 · 07/10/2016 23:42

My daughter was the first granddaughter after 10 boys (total) on each side. We gave her both MILs names as middle names and they are quite a mouthful. She loves her unusual names 15 years on and both grandma's were ecstatic so win win. It really is just a middle name. It's the first name that counts anyway.

AbernathysFringe · 07/10/2016 23:56

Do you like Mil? If not, don't, or add it as a second middle name.
My agreement with XP was - his surname, therefore I get to choose the first names (but not something he totally hated). In this day and age it's not essential that the man's surname is the family name. There's double-barrelling (no longer reserved for aristocrats retaining their links to noble lineages Hmm) men taking the women's surname and also people retaining seperate surnames, even blending names to make original ones. If the child is getting his surname I think that weights the first name decision-making in your favour.

kittymamma · 08/10/2016 00:00

Don't do it. This is a tradition I hate. I was named after an aunt (sister of my dad). She had a massive fight with my mum when I was about 6 years old and they never spoke again. One day in a rant of anger my mum told me "oh well we named you right didn't we", referring to my namesake. I was 8. She then thought she had the right to get upset when I changed my name by deed poll 20 years later.

Your DD has your middle name, which happens to be your DM name. Depending on your DH name, could you make up a feminine version? I know it sounds ridiculous but some of the names I see on a daily basis, nobody would suspect anything you make up to be made up. Or, don't have a middle name!

ecuse · 08/10/2016 00:14

I would. Nobody gives a shit about middle names, they never get used. You'll make your DH and your MIL happy. Seems like a tiny concession.

ecuse · 08/10/2016 00:16

Oh, but if your MIL uses an abbreviated version of her name that you prefer I don't see why you couldn't use that version.

SpaceUnicorn · 08/10/2016 00:43

Don't do it! You're the one carrying and labouring this baby out

Yes. Refuse to allow the baby's father any say in decisions about the baby.

That's exactly how a rational and intelligent adult would behave Hmm

hunnybunny619 · 08/10/2016 00:52

Argh OP, you're living my life right now! You have my sympathy.

From your DPs point of view, I suppose it balances things out if one DD has your mum's name and then the other DD has his mum's name? Quite sweet? A nice balance? Bit of equality between parents choosing names? But then....argh the name!! Can you use the shortened version or a slight variation as a compromise?

I've managed to persuade my DH away from using his mum's middle name as our DD2 middle name as our DD1 hasn't got any family names in her name so I had to do a fair bit of persuading that we couldn't treat the girls unequally like that (any old bollox to get him away from the name)...if that makes sense.

katemess12 · 08/10/2016 03:07

I also agree with a PP that being named after a relative can be a burden.

In my case, I'm named after my great grandmother who was, I'm sure, a great woman. But two others in my family have also been named after her, and I don't get along with either of them. It's not even "not getting along with" them, it's that they're both actual nutjobs who would run you over if it meant they could get a dollar or two.

I resent sharing a name with them.

My dad was named after his dad (so there was a Sr. and a Jr.) and his dad was an abusive, genuinely psychopathic asshole. Talk about a beacon of loveliness to be named after!

It might seem like a good idea to name your child after a person now, but there's no determining how relationships may play out in the future, and the last thing you want is for your child to be landed with a name that's associated with a particular person and their actions.

sonlypuppyfat · 08/10/2016 03:43

My DS has my dad's name as a middle name , when DD came along my mum asked if she would be getting her name as a middle name? But it was far too awful to use!!

Mamatallica · 08/10/2016 04:07

If the name doesn't work with your chosen first name and you don't both like it then don't use it. I really wanted to honour my father when naming my son but on a practical level, his name just didn't go. (Plus it might have lead to teasing in school) DH's father has a nice name but is a complete knob so we went with my grandfather's name which is very common but much more acceptable and has the bonus of pleasing Grandfather. Why not look at other girls names from your DPs family and find one neither of you hate?

AStreetcarNamedBob · 08/10/2016 05:00

AbernathysFringe OP already said that baby is obviously taking her surname so that doesn't work

WeAllHaveWings · 08/10/2016 08:19

I didn't give my son my dads name as a middle name it wasn't the kind of name I liked or popular or likely to come back in fashion. Gave him a meaningless name that I liked instead.

Dad is no longer with us and I have thought of they a few times since he went and wished I'd had his name in there as dad would have been honoured at the time and I could tell ds his middle name had meaning. He has asked why we picked his middle name and I say it's just because we liked it.

I have my mums name as a middle name, not a pretty name at all but it's my mums name, it means something.

If your dh wants this, and your other dd has your mums name I think you should seriously consider it, no one uses middle names anyway but a meaningful middle name is much better in the long run than just a pretty name.

Original poster
BombayBonsai · 08/10/2016 08:19

After sleeping on it and reading the replies again I just can't do it. It's our child and I'm not going to name or partially name her something I don't like.

It didn't come up again last night so it was left with me basically saying I thought we'd decided on x and him saying well we're rethinking the first name. If/when it comes up again I'm just going to be honest and say I don't like it and wouldn't expect him to go along with a name he didn't like. If he doesn't want his surname as the middle name then that's fine but it would need to be something we both agreed on.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 08/10/2016 08:25

If you don't like your DP's mother's name, what about her middle name. Or does she have sisters, or do you like her mother's name? Any name from her side would work.

CPtart · 08/10/2016 08:33

I don't agree generally with carrying names on for the sake of it. We broke a family tradition with DS1 and didn't use a name that had been used for several generations.
Is MIL Catholic? Does she have a confirmation name?

blueturtle6 · 08/10/2016 08:44

It depends Imo, on the person being honoured, if you don't respect that person then its a no from me. Also naming after someone who is still living and have potential to fall out with is an issue.

Tumtitum · 08/10/2016 08:52

Our DD has my MILs name which I must admit I'm not a huge fan of. However she has a terminal illness and we are aware that she will not be around for as long as hopefully my mother will be, which is why we chose it, to honour her I guess. If it weren't for the illness I don't think I would have gone for it as I would have felt bad that we hadn't used my mother's name!