Think friend should thank me for trying to help when his father died.

[Welshpoolmummy]

Someone I used to be almost best friends with father died.
He went all distant on me and tried pushing me away when his father was ill.
I sent him a text saying if he ever needs a chat to text me.
Then when his dad died I sent a text saying I'm sorry etc.
He replied to everyone bar me.
He asked for people he wasn't close to go to the funeral with him. Obviously I didn't go.
I donated a fair bit of money with a message to a charity he was raising money in memory of his father.

AIBU to think he should at least thank me for trying to help?

Obviously I'm being a selfish cow to think of manners when he had to go through this

Maybe he just doesn't like you very much?

This is a reverse right? It has all the hallmarks....

Sending a text isn't "trying to help", really, is it?

When my Dad died very suddenly, the people who hadn't been in touch/bothered with me for years and were suddenly falling over themselves with 'let me know if I can do anything to help' texts, were the ones who really got up my nose and were promptly deleted. It felt very insincere and pointless to be honest.

The real friends who have been with me for years and actually offered me real support in my darkest days are the ones I really thanked.

Obviously I'm being a selfish cow to think of manners when he had to go through this

Yes

What has he to thank you for exactly? 'If ther is anything I can do' is a standard response to hearing someone's bad news.

I'm pretty sure if a parents has recently died you're not obliged to thank every single person who's sent a text. In fact I'd go so far as to say you didn't 'help' him, you offered help which he declined (by not taking you up on it). So you texted. Should people be thanked for texts in the midst of grief?

Why do you want a thank you exactly?

What a selfish post! When my dad died I remember people like you coming out of the woodwork to 'console me'. They were not my friends they were just being nosey wanting to know how and why he died so young. I didn't respond to any of that nonsense, I had my real friends who were a great support.

"Obviously I'm being a selfish cow to think of manners when he had to go through this ". Whats the confused face for? Do you actually think you are a selfish cow or do you really think he lacks manners? Because I think its probably the former.

To everyone saying a text isn't sufficient, I loath the phone and couldn't cope with having to field a shit load of phone calls.
However a text that I could read and reply to in my own time would mean a lot.

"Almost best friend." I used to have second best friends-when I was 12.

Joking aside, and this is going to be harsh and I'm not trying to be. Your post sounds fairly selfish. You might be one of those people who makes everything about them and perhaps he distanced himself because he needed to focus on himself, not you, and surrounded himself with people he knew would focus on him, too.

My father died earlier this year and I have spoken more about it with people I am less close to than one of my closest friends. I love her like a sister but she is quite self absorbed, has to compare every situation to her own, and is often insensitive (in other aspects she's lovely!) but I knew I couldn't deal with that while processing my own grief

Re-read your post, OP. Do you not get why someone might not be up for the usual kind of friendship when his father is dying, and why expecting to be thanked for sending him two texts and making a donation in the aftermath of something so painful is pretty unreasonable? And how do you know he responded to 'everyone' bar you? Did he actually make a public announcement inviting only specific friends to the funeral? Why didn't you go anyway, to mitigate the apparent coldness or discomfort with bereavement of the two texts from one his closest friends? You can't make this all about you!

Grief forgets manners

News flash : Somebody losing their parent isn't about you. The fact you sent a few texts doesn't make you a saint. Expecting to be thanked makes you a twat.

I'd say message your friend and see how they're doing, but sounds like they are better off without your attitude.

Maybe he will when he sees you next or maybe not
Do you really need thanks for a text ? Seriously ?
Have you telephoned him to see how he is ?

Is this a reverse?

You call. You go round. You help out. You turn up at the funeral. You don't expect thanks. It's just what you do.

I'm a year on from losing my dad and it's the biggest catastrophe of my life. It certainly makes it clear who your real friends are and before we lost dad I'd have sworn I knew who they were.

It's not about you, it's about him and his loss and his grief. If you came across to your friends they way you've came over to me on here, I wouldn't be interacting with you either, sorry

I've also been on the wine early tonight. Sorry for typos

If you are as vile as you come across in your OP, he's better off without a 'friend' like you.

You wants a grieving person to thank you for sending a text message?!

I really, really hope you are a troll.

You are right, OP

You are being a selfish cow.

I lost my grandfather this year. That evening a friend turned up with flowers. She drove 100 miles to see me. She booked herself a hotel so she didn't impose. She was really trying to be there without putting pressure on me. I was so grateful.

I said thank you to that.

A couple of texts and a donation to a charity, isn't being there for anyone.

Sorry it's so unanimous Op