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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think friend should thank me for trying to help when his father died.

87 replies

Welshpoolmummy · 07/10/2016 16:05

Someone I used to be almost best friends with father died.
He went all distant on me and tried pushing me away when his father was ill.
I sent him a text saying if he ever needs a chat to text me.
Then when his dad died I sent a text saying I'm sorry etc.
He replied to everyone bar me.
He asked for people he wasn't close to go to the funeral with him. Obviously I didn't go.
I donated a fair bit of money with a message to a charity he was raising money in memory of his father.

AIBU to think he should at least thank me for trying to help?

Obviously I'm being a selfish cow to think of manners when he had to go through thisHmm

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 07/10/2016 16:31

Seriously OP. The guys father dies. You can't be arsed to do anything other than send him a text and a donation and you think he should be falling over himself with gratidude??
Who died and made you the Queen of Sheba?
The bloke was a mess. Probably not thinking straight. May well have missed your text or recognised it as virtue signalling if you have form ( which if you can make this all about you I can well believe) and decided he couldn't cope right now.
Breath taking self absorption there OP.

Elland · 07/10/2016 16:34

Jeez, thanking you is probably the least of his worries.

MrsJayy · 07/10/2016 16:34

His dad died you text a couple of times you donated money all lovely gestures but his dad died you really need to let this go you could have gone to the funeral perhaps he expected you there and you didnt turn up

WhatamessIgotinto · 07/10/2016 16:34

God sometimes I read things on here that I can't quite believe. His dad died and you're pissed off at him for not thanking you for a couple of texts. When my parents died, I'm afraid this kind of thing was not my top priority.

This is not about you so don't try to make it so.

YouOKHun · 07/10/2016 16:35

He's lost his dad. I shouldn't think you've crossed his mind or if you have he simply doesn't have headspace for your demandingness (which you may not be hiding as well as you think). I think Mooinevrouw describes very well some of the pressure he might be under. And, sorry, a text just doesn't cut it as a communication in these circumstances.

Haudyerwheesht · 07/10/2016 16:35

Amazingly this isn't about you. My dad died recently - I really wasn't too up for thinking about how much money people had donated or whether they'd sent a text. Why didn't you just go to the funeral? Get a grip.

NerrSnerr · 07/10/2016 16:36

People grieve in different ways. I wouldn't expect a friend to acknowledge the charity money and sometimes answering texts when grieving is exhausting. How long ago did his father die?

Footle · 07/10/2016 16:38

Is this a reverse ?

MrsJayy · 07/10/2016 16:39

Nobody really expects a thank you you are wonder text during such a traumatic time do they ?

user1471524661 · 07/10/2016 16:42

This is a joke, right? Surely no one is this up their own arse in real life. Put yourself in his shoes and consider whether you would be prioritising thanking people for their texts, or if you would be trying to just get through every day and come to terms with what has happened. I certainly know where I was when I lost my Dad.

I would say his preference to have other people around him (and not you) should tell you something about yourself. In his time of need he chose people he knew would be there for him and put him first. Your reaction to that suggests he was spot on not to come to you.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 07/10/2016 16:43

I think you've probably got that you're being U by now.....but is there a dripfeed in the wings perchance about the nature of the "almost best friends" bit?

And that's why you've gone a bit OTT about it all?

CantThinkOfAQuirkyName · 07/10/2016 16:44

I don't understand why you text rather than phone or call round if you were very close to your friend?

You've only described what I'd expect any other friend to do tbh.

hollieberrie · 07/10/2016 16:47

After my Mum died, I was deep in grief for a long time. I am a different person now; it made me reassess who my real friends were and i got rid of several people out of my life. Maybe he's done the same? If he hasnt been in touch its because he doesnt want to.

FrancisCrawford · 07/10/2016 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 07/10/2016 16:47

I just think your offence is outstanding I cant imagine anybody being offended like this over somebody elses misery

maxington · 07/10/2016 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

iklboo · 07/10/2016 16:50

Really?

QueenofallIsee · 07/10/2016 17:04

Almost best friends? How does one be 'almost best friends'. Like you would rescue him second from a burning building after Carol that you have known since you were 6 or something?

JellyBelli · 07/10/2016 17:09

You sent two texts, you're not Mother Theresa. Confused

AnyFucker · 07/10/2016 17:10

Some people make absolutely everything about them.

You sound like one of them. He doesn't want to know. Back off, fgs

Caper86 · 07/10/2016 17:10

Maybe all of his other friends called him rather than texted?

Ausernotanumber · 07/10/2016 17:13

It's not all about you.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 07/10/2016 17:14

Um, YABU.

Also not to be blunt, but are quite sure you guys are friends anymore?

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/10/2016 17:15

He asked for people he wasn't close to go to the funeral with him. Obviously I didn't go.

Maybe he thought closer friends wouldn't need to be asked as they would be going anyway?

Daydream007 · 07/10/2016 17:18

People behave differently when they are grieving. He could be upset that you never went to the funeral. You don't get invited to funerals, you just go. You should not expect thanks, isn't it expected to help a friend through a difficult time?! YABVU