Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to let a 10yr old decide?

83 replies

waffilyversati1e · 07/10/2016 09:53

My daughter is off to secondary school next year and where we are we have the choice of sending her to the local academy where our older son goes or to try and pass the entrance exam for a much better school (stats wise), she's a bright kid and (without too much smug) I think she would easily pass.

That school boasts that 97% of its pupils leave with 5 or more a/a* GCSEs and a high percentage go on to university (plus its a cathedral school so if she did get to be head girl she is allowed to get hitched at the cathedral - I know, I know but could you imagine the pics!! lol) but its in the middle of the city so it would mean 2 buses there everyday and possibly struggling to afford all of the extras (they apparently have a £900 skiing trip every year as well as the more educational trips) but academically I get the feeling that the children and school would be better for my daughter

The academy is not an awful school but during my sons time there he has been bullied (including being physically attacked) and the school have been really a bit rubbish about the whole thing in my opinion. He has never enjoyed school too much (hes just more of a practical person) and tends to coast when it comes to his grades. Only now in year 11 are the school finally responding to my requests about keeping in touch with regards to incomplete homework etc. It is local though so travelling in would mean a 20 minute walk and of course most of my 10 yr olds friends will go there.

My OH really wants our daughter to go to the "better" school and thinks we need to fill in the application based on our preferences but I ultimately think it should be our daughters choice since she is the one who will effectively grow up there! She is happy to take the entrance exam (her idea anyway) but has said that having seen both schools she much prefers the shiny new academy building (the other school is old, it was founded in the 1500's) so she thinks she would prefer to go there.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 07/10/2016 12:02

Agree with others that you and your DH need to make the decision yourself based on what is best for your DD academically and personally. It's cruel to put this decision on her imo. And no, a cathedral wedding is not an appropriate thing to factor into this decision (god, girls really have no chance in this world do they).

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 07/10/2016 12:12

Thanks to everyone who didn't assume I have given up on my son in any way because I haven't moved him to the other school. The reason he didn't take the entrance exam for the other school is because he would have hated it and he is not academic so he wouldn't have ticked their boxes iykwim. Aside from bullying and communication the facilities at his school are good! Especially for cooking which is what he is most interested in as well as sports. I haven't moved him because it really hasn't been an option. My kids are both awesome but very different to each other.

The exam dates haven't been and gone, I did check. Yes she has practised (I am not a pushy parent before anyone slings that label!) and she is actually looking forward to the exam.

I think deep down maybe I don't feel as strongly as that it MUST be her decision but I just want her to be happy. I would hate to think we were making her do something she may hate but I suppose she might not even pass so maybe I should just roll with it.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 07/10/2016 12:13

The reason he didn't take the entrance exam for the other school is because he would have hated it and he is not academic so he wouldn't have ticked their boxes iykwim.

You dont know he would not have blossomed academically. Writing him off at 11. Nice.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/10/2016 12:21

OP might have assessed that he might have been unlikely to pass the entrance exam anyway Queen, and she might well have been right about that, as well as in thinking which school would be most likely to suit her DS?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/10/2016 12:24

I think yes, just roll with it waffily
Good luck to you all!

rogueantimatter · 07/10/2016 12:25

If she went to the cathedral school and hated it, could she change schools for Y8 or Y9? Could you tell her that you think the cathedral school is probably best for her but you realise it's her not you who would be going so if she hates it after two years she could change?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 07/10/2016 12:32

Queen, do you think anyone who isn't academically minded is a failure? Because I certainly don't. We looked at schools for ds based on the type of interests he has and which school would most likely be best for a more vocational education having been told by every teacher he had ever had that writing was not his strong point (to put it mildly)

OP posts:
Ohlalala · 07/10/2016 12:32

You made the decision for what school would be best for your son, I'd say, do the same for your daughter. She seems happy to take the test,the school is much better, her prospects in life (academically) may be better... What makes you think she wouldn't be happy there? If she is academically minded, she may not only do well but prefer the challenge the selective school would bring too?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 07/10/2016 12:32

Rogue, that seems like the best route to go. Thanks

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 07/10/2016 12:33

Queen, do you think anyone who isn't academically minded is a failure?

No. But I was written off as thick at primary school. Struggled with everything, dreaded parents evening. I blossomed much much later and I am solicitor now.

You have no idea what a child at primary school will be capable of in adulthood.

Secretmetalfan · 07/10/2016 12:35

It's her that's got to go. Let her decide. We let our DS decide on primary school after we visited (all either good or outstanding though)

tickingthebox · 07/10/2016 12:49

FGS QueenLIZ, its a bit of a leap to say writing a child off! Acknowledging that they don't tick the boxes for entrance and are unlikely to pass does not mean they are on the scrap heap!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/10/2016 12:53

I think YWBU to put the weight of your DD's future on her 10yo shoulders - by all means allow her some input, but ultimately you have to think longterm for her, which she is unlikely to be able to do for herself. I'm very grateful to my parents for their choice

this|!!!!! OP, you and D|H decide. You are the adults

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/10/2016 12:54

and waffly, I understand re your son. you have not written him off

Sandsnake · 07/10/2016 12:58

Send her to the better school, It really sounds like the right option for your DD. Help her prep for the entrance exam - I know you shouldn't have to but it's what everyone else will be doing.

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 07/10/2016 13:03

Queen, I am truly sorry that happened to you. But that's your experience, not my ds'.

I considered sending him for the (3 hour) entrance exam but decided ultimately that trying to send him to what seems to be an academically focused school would be like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. it might work eventually but something is going to get damaged along the way...

Yes I suppose I know that a grown up should make the decision but adulting is hard and I just want to go for a nap Wink

OP posts:
titchy · 07/10/2016 13:07

You're quite right Liz. No child should be written off, and a lot of kids do blossom as adults.

But that is totally irrelevant when a kid has to sit an entrance exam at 11 isn't it?

yes his mum could have made him sit the exam, knowing he'd fail, but what would be the point of that?

RedHelenB · 07/10/2016 13:16

In my experience parents sending their children to a school they DONT want to go to doesn't end well.

All 3 of my children chose/will choose. Not got the grammar school problem but I believe bright children(your dd) that regularly attend school will get the results whichever school they go to.

Ohyesiam · 07/10/2016 13:16

Take her into account, but ultimately you need to decide.

If she's bright she week do well at the academy( my dh teaches maths at an academy, and he says the bright one are really well catered for).

Nabootique · 07/10/2016 13:20

As you've seen from this thread, OP, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You made a decision for your son - some people are questioning it. You're considering making a decision for your daughter and others are questioning that. Only you know what is the right thing for your children.

My two pennies worth would be to absolutely consider her feelings, but unless she had a real, tenable reason for not wanting to go to whichever school, you make the ultimate decision.

soundsystem · 07/10/2016 13:25

Normally I would say let her choose, and obviously she should have a say, but...

I got a scholarship to a great private school but opted to go to the (actually pretty good) comp instead. Because at 11 I didn't agree fee-paying schools, politically. I've turned out ok (I think) but as an adult I do feel I would have fulfilled my potential more by taking the scholarship. I don't hold it against my mum but in retrospect I would have preferred her to make the decision for me. (In her defence, I was a very headstrong child so I wouldn't have appreciated it at the time!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2016 14:01

Definitely should discuss this with your dd and explain to her why you want her to go to the more academic school. Parents are so much more involved and invested in their children's education these days and it's great. I had a terrible experience. I was written off at 12 for failing 12+. Parents decided to dump me in an awful secondary modern, which slowly killed me inside and this was inspite being able to afford to send me privately. I was given no choice.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2016 14:04

Sad that you were written off as thick, Queen, but most parents who take an interest in their children's schooling do have some idea of their strengths and weaknesses, I'm sure.

One of my friends has a son who has just left school and gone to University - but he was definitely not an academic child. They were in the fortunate position of being able to pay for private education for him, which enabled them to find a school that would fit him best - one that didn't focus entirely on academic results, but had a wider curriculum. Turns out he's a skilled photographer, so his focus has been on the arts - but he'd have had a bloody miserable time of it if he'd been sent to a school where academia was the focus, on the principle that he shouldn't be written off as "thick".

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/10/2016 14:23

You dont know he would not have blossomed academically. Writing him off at 11. Nice.

It would be silly to push a non-academic child into a very academic school on the chance that he would blossom later. It would potentially do horrendous things to his self-confidence, and in fact might well stifle any potential for blossoming.

QueenLizIII · 07/10/2016 14:37

I still say you dont know.

My sister was the smart one. Always chosen as narrator for the school play because of her reading ability etc etc etc.

She ended up with hardly any gcses and no alevels.