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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I survived him

107 replies

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 05/10/2016 23:33

I regularly used to post on here using numerous different names.

Some were imsogross amongst others. I would write what I was going through then change my name and runaway.

I don't know if any of you read my threads but I have an amazing update!

After 18 years of abuse on the 10th January I finally got the courage to kick my exes sorry butt to the curb.

He's currently on remand for crimes against myself and looking at 12 years.

I've been so embarrassed to write on here but tonight I just want to shout out to the world what he had done to me. What he has taken from me.

My strength is dwindling and I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown

OP posts:

Footle · 10/10/2016 07:41

The kids need some major help to understand what a monstrous version of 'normal' he's shown them.

flirtygirl · 10/10/2016 08:28

You are truly amazing and you are a true survivor.
Counselling will help you make sense of it and for your kids too but you have already become a survivor and have shown such strength taking it to court after what you have already been through.

Sending you a million hugs and yes mumsnet needs a survivors page but just to let you know that you are believed and keep posting as you are helping others just by being you and sharing it with us.

ChishandFips33 · 10/10/2016 20:19

Keep strong

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2016 20:34

Wow well dine you, stay strong you can do it💐💐💐💐 can you get a restraining order against him. Let his probation officer know he's calling and harassing you, or the Police.

MLGs · 10/10/2016 20:51

OP you are amazing and inspirational. The things you have been through should never happen to anyone. You have survived them and got away. I can put into words how awe inspiring that is.

Stay strong.

Make sure you keep informing the authorities about all the attempts at contact. Don't take any chances, and change your number as many times as you need to.

MLGs · 10/10/2016 20:52

"It's a horrible place and he's scared"

Well, boo hoo for him.

He made your home a horrible place for years. You were scared. They will probably be able to see that already tbh.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/10/2016 23:18

Could you ask around (SS, school, gp and support workers) for any family charities, that help you and your children get through this awful time?

I say his because I was helped by s charity last year who did exactly that. They were amazing and helped me help DS, and had lots of practical advise and help about how to help you and your children heal after a family is torn about. I used them for a not quite the same situation, but overlapped in that poor DS saw abuse from stbxh and he neglected him a lot too before we got away. DS feels abandoned and very much like its his fault daddy has just vanished (for DS at least, not explaining my part in making that vanishing act a little easier). They really knew their stuff about how to help DS start healing, and thinking about my relationship with him too now and the future, so I don't get blamed, yet I don't tell DS stuff that is too old for his ears.

They're hard to find, but out there.

Original poster

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 11/10/2016 00:25

My kids were interviewed today regarding past events. I was in the next room watching on the screens while my kids were telling the police things I had forgotten.

I stayed with him for 18 years. What have I done to my innocent children

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2016 01:00

Remember the wise words of Dr Maya Angelou

"You did then what you knew how to do. No that you know better, you'll do better."

The past is the past, you can't change it. Focus on the future and what you can do for your children now.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2016 01:01

NOW, not 'no'

tiddlyipom · 11/10/2016 08:26

Love, I tell you what you have done to your children, you've got them away from the poison that is their father.You've given them a bright future.You've given them safety. You've got them away from the violence and abuse.
You are an absolute star and a wonderful Mother.
Stay strong x I wish I could give you all a (((((((hug.))))))

Original poster

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 11/10/2016 15:39

He was getting people to come to my house, ringing their phones and getting me to speak to him.

Turns out he recorded all phone calls trying to get me to say things. I admit that I said I still loved him and stuff like that. It's going to go against me in court probably.

His new girlfriend who he met in a brothel is hounding me constantly. She's already got bails conditions to stay away from me and my loved ones but the Nutjob won't go away.

She's obsessed with my kids even though she's never met them.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/10/2016 18:30

He and his little bunch of cronies sound utterly vile and excuse my language but a bunch of twatfaced dick waving tosser cunt bastards... I think i covered everything by that, though I know others are much better at swearing than me.

You need to get away from this disgusting place where these people are existing in some kind of low life scum bubble. This is not how the rest of the country operates, although I'm sure they can't see anything beyond with the incestuous bubble they've created. The world is a very big place and I think you would find freedom and just basic normality if you got out and got your kids out.

It's normal to live peacefully
It's normal to live within the law, not even because its normal to obey laws (which it is), but because people like living in a nice and respectful way where you treat others with politeness and mutual respect.

It's a way of living where people have choices, and chances, and control over their lives.

Any talk of grassing up and girlfriends and friends who all dive into a campaign of hatred and abuse... All this is not normal, not ok and not somewhere where you can thrive, and heal and rebuild your self esteem and family. This is somewhere you'll get dragged into their skewed way of life and you'll spend all your energies defending yourself and trying to rise above their attacks and cruelty.

Basically. Please please leave the second you get the chance. The more you share about what's happening, the more it sounds awful and not something you can ever win.

Ps. You are being brilliant. You are doing something that takes incredible strength, and love, please try and keep that in your head and ignore those wriggly horrid thoughts of guilt and blame that grab us when we're tired or feeling defeated.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2016 18:38

I admit that I said I still loved him and stuff like that. It's going to go against me in court probably.

I don't think so. Most of us still 'loved' our abusers in one form or another when we left. That's part of the abuse; the tying up of our emotions in their abuse and control. The courts and authorities know this. What is important is that you did what was best and left despite your feelings.

Original poster

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 13/10/2016 08:32

Had the police out again last night. He's girlfriend has been sending some lovely messages.

Court has been set for January so the intimidation is heating up. I just want them all to leave me alone.

One his his friends girlfriends told my 10 year old daughter that she's going to "bang me". These are adults in their 30's for gods sake!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2016 13:29

I don't understand this. In the US, these people would be arrested and jailed for harassment and intimidation. Especially if they are trying to frighten or intimidate your children!

Do you have any kind of victim/witness support officer or solicitor?

Ifounddory · 13/10/2016 13:31

The shame is his and the strength is yours. Look after yourself. The future is bright without him in it

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2016 16:30

Suvivor I just reread my post and want to make sure that you understand I'm not questioning your honesty about what's happening. I believe you.

I just can't believe that the police are doing nothing about the harassment.

Footle · 13/10/2016 16:34

Do the police know what was said to your 10 yr old daughter ?

Original poster

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 13/10/2016 21:47

Yes they know.

I'm in contact with a rape support centre and I have a domestic violence support worker

OP posts:

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 13/10/2016 21:58

I believe you,x

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/10/2016 22:04

Heree you go OP. Still got the rest of the orcs to kill, but you've put a blade in the chief arsehole. Well done!

Footle · 14/10/2016 07:53

Glad you have that support. What a hideous situation he's made.

Original poster

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 15/10/2016 21:09

I'm panicking in case he gets off with it. He'll come for I know it.

I just get this feeling in my stomach about it. I keep having this nightmare about being put into a shallow grave and I'm still alive.

How do I get out of the area? I'm in rent areas and I have the worst credit going.

OP posts:

FlyHighLittleBee · 15/10/2016 21:22

Can't your social worker help you get a council house out of the area OP? If there's anyone that deserves one, it's you!

I believe you and I'm in awe of your strength

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