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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I survived him

107 replies

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 05/10/2016 23:33

I regularly used to post on here using numerous different names.

Some were imsogross amongst others. I would write what I was going through then change my name and runaway.

I don't know if any of you read my threads but I have an amazing update!

After 18 years of abuse on the 10th January I finally got the courage to kick my exes sorry butt to the curb.

He's currently on remand for crimes against myself and looking at 12 years.

I've been so embarrassed to write on here but tonight I just want to shout out to the world what he had done to me. What he has taken from me.

My strength is dwindling and I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2016 00:16

I don't have a lot to say, other than I BELIEVE YOU.

If people are criticizing you, it's only because they are no better than that rat bastard. If they call you a grass it's because they are living the same shit life he is.

You are brave. You are important. You are RIGHT.

IWasGintyMarlowe · 08/10/2016 00:21

well done you, OP. am glad you are free of him at last. i wish there were a champagne icon on here because this is worth a celebration!

IWasGintyMarlowe · 08/10/2016 00:23

you are not alone. many of us have survived abuse of some sort on here. i wish you all the best

IWasGintyMarlowe · 08/10/2016 00:30

i really wish there was a Survivors support thread on here where us survivors could go and get things off our chests and know that we are believed.

IceBeing · 08/10/2016 00:53

I believe you. Flowers

You didn't deserve any of that, nor did you choose it.

You children will soon be old enough to read up about abuse for themselves, I am sure they will come around to understand the manipulation that occurs.

IWasGintyMarlowe · 08/10/2016 00:57

(((hugs))) to OP and thanks to IceBeing

AbernathysFringe · 08/10/2016 00:58

Remember OP, the world is not the village you are living in. There are endless new, safe places where you can start again. Your children are too young to understand properly what's happened, but they will and they'll be amazed by your strength.
It's a waiting game you have to play now. You've already done a much harder one. One step at a time!

user1471429010 · 08/10/2016 07:07

I am in tears reading your posts. You are an amazing mother, an absolute inspiration and so very strong for what you have done. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through but please know everyone here supports you. Children can sometimes be cruelest to the ones they feel most secure with. They trust they can say hurtful things to you and you will always love them unconditionally. They don't have that with their dad so are trying to please him. One day when all of this is far behind you all they will realise what an outstanding brave and courageous mother they have in you.

Keep holding your head high and be proud. Block out the noise of those who don't matter one jot to you and your children's new life. Please keep posting whenever you need support and please keep an eye out for ptsd Flowers

user1471429010 · 08/10/2016 07:13

Oh and I don't know what part of the country you are in but I am in the South West and if you need anything at all please dm me - I mean that. My ex is also in prison and I had a similar situation with being made to abort my baby so am all too aware of how destructive ptsd can be.

ChishandFips33 · 08/10/2016 07:55

I believe you Flowers

You are an AMAZING woman not only to have survived this, but to then go on to begin to make a life for yourself and your children

Don't see your wobbles as not being strong but as getting on your 'Bambi legs' as you build back up the strength to support yourself again

Please see a GP - I can't imagine they would not sign you off under these circumstances

Are you receiving counselling/therapy?
Are your children?

Are your friends reporting the harassment?

Take strength and support from us and be kind to yourself, you are healing deep deep wounds Flowers Flowers

Comtesse · 08/10/2016 07:58

I believe you. He must have been pretty shocking to actually be on remand. I don't believe in praying but I am sending you 1000000 good vibes. If you can take time off work even a fortnight's headspace would help. Flowers

Flisspaps · 08/10/2016 08:04

I believe you.

By telling your kids terrible lies about you he's abused them too.

I hope the judge throws the book at him.

ZuleikaDobson · 08/10/2016 08:05

It's so brilliant that you have got this horrible man locked up, and have been strong enough to resist his family trying to push you into withdrawing charges.

Once you've moved, I suggest you talk to someone seriously about getting counselling for your children. They need to know that they've been manipulated by him and that he is a total shit.

Original poster
Notavictimbutasurvivor · 08/10/2016 19:08

I'm writing my victim impact statement. It's just horrible.

4 people are involved in the case. 3 are remanded and 1 was bailed because she has a small son.

How the hell am I supposed to write my life's hurt in a couple of paragraphs?

OP posts:
Footle · 08/10/2016 19:15

I don't know , but I believe you. I hope you're getting all the support you possibly can.

Pettywoman · 08/10/2016 19:24

You are amazing. Flowers

Original poster
Notavictimbutasurvivor · 08/10/2016 20:07

They're all still stalking me. I get emails, phone calls, Facebook messages of threats and intimidation.
How the hell are they allowed phones in prison?

He's been phoning my children crying to them saying its a horrible place and he's scared. It's been going on for weeks but I've only just found out.

How could he do this to our children.

OP posts:
ViolettaValery · 08/10/2016 20:23

I am just stunned by what you have been through and don't know where to start but Flowers for you.

With the threats/intimidation from his cronies, start logging it. You probably already have a lot of messages, texts etc with timestamps. Make a list of it and talk to the police about it and see what they advise. They may well tell you that if you send a short message to each of these people, e.g. Do not contact me again in any way, that after that everything counts as harassment.

That's what I think happens but don't want you to take it from me as your situation sounds really pressured and they may have different advice - maybe it is already harassment if these people are threatening you. Police will be able to advise you.

Also this from a previous poster
Your kids are taking it out on you because you are there, because they know you will always love them.
Is so true. It's sick the way this man is manipulating them, I should think they are kicking against you because deep down they trust you and aren't afraid of you the way they are of him.

blondiemummabear · 08/10/2016 20:32

I've never posted before, I usually have a read and then leave but I needed to tell you that you are amazing and an inspiration to us all, especially the ladies reading this that haven't for whatever reason been as brave as you yet.

There are going to be times that you think you can't do this anymore and that it is all too tough, but I promise you that you can. You have done the hardest part and now (although they can't see it), you are doing the very very best for you and your children. One day when they can fully understand the whole situation they will be so proud of you, like we all are.

Sending you a huge virtual hug Flowers x

tupperwareAARGGH · 08/10/2016 20:45

Huge hugs. Do not doubt yourself. DO not think for one minute you are too blame. Your children might be shouting that shite at you know but they will grow older and work it out.

Future yourself. Reach out to people you trust.

He is an utter, utter fuckwankbadger.
You deserve better.
You are worth more than the shite he has spouted at you.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2016 20:55

I don't know if it's possible, but is there a way that you can get assistance to move away from the village? Even 10-20 miles could make a difference. I'd also see if there's any assistance you can get to change phone numbers, get a new email etc.

You write as long an impact statement as you need to.

Original poster
Notavictimbutasurvivor · 08/10/2016 22:22

I'm trying to find a house. Funds are short but my social worker and domestic violence support worker are coming out to see me.

They were considering putting me in some sort of flat miles away but because I work I would have to pay for it. If I moved I would have to quit my job then I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits.

This has been going on for months

OP posts:
user1471429010 · 09/10/2016 07:43

The prison is absolutely rife with mobile phones and contraband unfortunately. All you can do is constantly contact the prison every time it happens. He will have time added every time he is caught so worth doing. Prison isn't great so they won't want to keep having time added. Please please don't let these bastards get away with the threats. Report every single time. Do you have an officer to talk to? I know it's unfair but I would shut down any social media accounts, yours and your children. I know it doesn't seem right but the less they know the better. I promise you though one day your children will thank you. Keep posting and keep staying as strong as your obviously are Star

Purplebluebird · 09/10/2016 08:25

What an awful time for you :(
I believe you, you're incredibly brave and strong.
Your kids will come round to the truth eventually.

Keep posting and get as much support as you can. Flowers

Original poster
Notavictimbutasurvivor · 10/10/2016 01:21

My kids believe me. They witnessed things that no children should have to see.

My 10 year old precious baby girl stopped her dad from sexually assaulting me on her birthday this year.

I'm frightened. I sleep on my couch with the light on. I can't go back into my bedroom

OP posts: