To think maybe its not normal to want your dp/dh to love you the "most" out of everyone they've ever been with

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Inspired by the tattoo thread

I want to be with someone who loves me "The most". I don't want to date or anything because pretty much every man my age seems to have multiple ex wives / children .....how do I know that if I got with someone he wouldn't have loved someone else more?

ExH is older than me and wasn't long out of a long marriage when we met. And he ended up going back to her briefly in the beginning of our relationship then came back to me. But I didnt know at the time, It only came out a few years down the line, we were married with 2 DC by then but then poisoned the whole relationship, I tried to limp on for a while but In the end couldn't deal. And it finally ended a while back for that and other reasons. But Even before I found out about his deceit I always felt second best as he had been married before and everything we did together in the back of mind I knew he had done it all before with someone else.

I should have met someone at 18 and got married and stayed that way....but then I would only worry that he would wonder what it was like to be with other people and vice versa.....

Do people love differently? I loved ExH the "most" out of the few relationships I had. I just wish someone would one day feel that I am the best thing that ever happened to them and every one else pales in to insignificance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Its probably not normal is it :(

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I don't want to commit my life and future to someone who would rather a love from the past.

If I thought DP loved me the same as his Ex Wife - I'd be wondering when we'd split up because that's what happened to them!

[DustyOfSkye]

*quantify

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I guess it's that elusive definition of 'love'.

I've had a lot of loves and great passions! But I don't hark back to any of them. Is that what the OP is getting at?

But whatever it is, the 'most loved' the 'best relationship' - I want my present relationship to be better than my past ones, because I don't want it to have to end, like the others did.

[Helmetbymidnight]

You like to think your partner married a woman he didn't much love?
O-kayyy

[VladmirsPoutine]

I think you need to redress your self esteem.

We all have pasts and histories. It is a part of life. You either deal with it or you don't. I loved my ex like love was going out of fashion. He went on to have a relationship with an OW. I used to torture myself over what I'd done wrong. Turns out; despite my faults, I did not cause him to lie and cheat on me.

Let go and be happy.

[BadToTheBone]

I'm dh's second wife, I couldn't care less if he lived exw 'more', he loves me now and what we have is great. Incidentally, I've loved others, I wouldn't say more or less, I'd just say different.

[DoinItFine]

And I'm certainly not looking to have the overwhelming passion of blind love that I experienced as a teenager now as a middle aged woman.

I still have overwhelmingly passionate love now, although I am not quite middle aged.

I don't buy the idea that teenage love is more passionate or intense than mature love felt by adults.

I once went out with a serial monogamist for whom I was quite clearly just the latest in a line of loves, none of whom would ever be his first love again.

It was so depressing. I'm sure he found another Ms Right Now shortly after I dumped him.

His Dad was the same - serial monogamist looking for someone to fuck and watch telly with. Snore.

[pregnantat50]

I can relate to Op a bit. My ex used to say things to me like, he couldnt get enough of his ex wife in the bedroom and how he enjoyed seeing her naked, in his words she had the perfect little figure.(whilst laughing at my food belly). He also said how every morning she would cook him a full english, iron his clothes and tend to their 4 children. She had several affairs and he found a diary full of her anger and resentment towards him, including accusing him of rape and emotional abuse....he is now my Ex too. I wanted him to love me more than his ex, but even though he claimed to I could tell he didnt...So I completely understand

[DustyOfSkye]

Oh I'm not saying I don't feel overwhelming passion for my partner DoinIt. Just that it was ALL my teenage self felt for my first boyfriend and I was blind to the fundamental incompatibilities in the relationship.

Now, it's more of an ebb and flow. And most of the time we have a warm and cosy relationship. He's my best friend as well as lover.

[user1474627704]

He missed his DC, his ex wife wanted him back and was "stopping him seeing the DC" if he didn't come back. So he finished with me (for some shit reason which I cant even remember) when as far as I knew things were going amazingly. And fucked off for a few weeks then came crawling back to me begging me to have him back and I was stupid enough to take him back as I had no idea where he had been. I don't give a shit what the reason was, no reason is remotely good enough for me

So basically he put his children before a fairly new girlfriend? Dude, thats a GOOD thing! That's what a good father does. Are you jealous of his children too?
You're sounding very childish altogether.

[Sallystyle]

I don't care how insecure or petty it might be, but yes, I want my husband to love me more than he ever loved any of his exes.

Thankfully, he never really had a serious or long relationship before he met me so it's unlikely he loved them more than he loves me.

I have always said I can't imagine I could ever date a widow due to that reason as well. Or anyone who has been married before, which would probably leave me single forever if anything happened to my husband or our marriage.

I have been married before and that marriage should never have happened but I was just 18.

[BuggerMyOldBoots]

I understand where you are coming from op. Both DH and I have had long term relationships and been in love before, but this is our first marriage, and yes I would expect that for both of us, it is something bigger, more special than anything either of us has had before. I want my husband to think I am the most amazing woman in the world, of course I do. I don't care who he slagged before we met: when we did meet, we only had eyes for each other. If he'd been stuck between me and another woman, or was still interested in someone else, I wouldn't have liked it. I would have felt second best, which isn't what I'd like to look back and remember in years to come

[WhooooAmI24601]

I don't believe love is quantifiable at all. Not the sort of love that has you married. It's like asking which child you prefer; you can love differently and love aspects of a person's personality, but ultimately it's just love. I love my DCs in different ways, but there's absolutely no 'more' or 'less'. Love is love.

It'd be ok if DH had loved deeply before he met me. I loved DS1's Dad when we were together. Previous love doesn't lessen the importance of current love.

[DustyOfSkye]

Couldn't agree with your post more whooo.

In fact, when I first met my DP, I took it as a good sign that he had the capacity to love wholeheartedly - it was an attractive quality to me.

[WarholsLittleQueen]

So basically he put his children before a fairly new girlfriend? Dude, thats a GOOD thing! That's what a good father does. Are you jealous of his children too?

I was never jealous of his DC. Just jealous that he had done it before with someone else

But it was unbelieveably shit because I had thought he was happy. It was the honeymoon period, we had only been together a few months but it had moved fast. He said he was in love with me, I was so beautiful, he had never felt like this before, etc etc he was so full on with me. We were head over heels, we had moved in together and he had even mentioned marriage (And this was all him initiating everything, not me, I am honestly not a bunny boiler if anything I was playing it cool :D )....And its so great for him that he then dumps me out of the blue for XW

[WarholsLittleQueen]

I understand where you are coming from op. Both DH and I have had long term relationships and been in love before, but this is our first marriage, and yes I would expect that for both of us, it is something bigger, more special than anything either of us has had before. I want my husband to think I am the most amazing woman in the world, of course I do. I don't care who he slagged before we met: when we did meet, we only had eyes for each other. If he'd been stuck between me and another woman, or was still interested in someone else, I wouldn't have liked it. I would have felt second best, which isn't what I'd like to look back and remember in years to come

And this is why I will never take him back :(

[user1474627704]

And its so great for him that he then dumps me out of the blue for XW

Or, more likely, he want back to his CHILDREN.

And now there is another set of children whose parents are divorced, because their mother is jealous that there was a family before she got there.

It's all so juvenile.

[PrettyPurpleTulips]

I have to say OP I completely get where you are coming from and have actually been having an extremely similar convo with my partner the past few days. (Eyes suspiciously at walls ) But I've found the reason I feel this way is because of my insecurities, mainly about the fact I know far too much about my partners sex life with ex's (yes extremely intimate details which no one needs to know, including what turned them on and what they got up to) and the fact he's jumped from relationship to relationship. (Extremely quick marriage, then a 2 year relationship, 9month fling and then another 9month relationship) living with all bar one from practically the first date
Anyway back to my point, it does mean I find it difficult to know or kinda believe he loves me or even if he knows what love is or loves me more than he has done previously. But I definitely think working out why you feel that way would be a good thing and what it would achieve to know....... either that or you end up feeling bananas.

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Or, more likely, he want back to his CHILDREN...And now there is another set of children whose parents are divorced, because their mother is jealous that there was a family before she got there. ..It's all so juvenile

What the fuck?? :(

I wouldn't be divorcing him if it was simply that I was jealous of his past.

I am divorcing him because he is a cheating LIAR.

[user1474627704]

You said you were divorcing him because he briefly went back to his family when you were first together and you can't stand the idea that he might have loved his first wife more than you.
How you didn't know that is pretty weird. Surely his children mentioned something afterwards? Or did you just not ask?

[DoinItFine]

Did he leave her for you in the first place?

[WarholsLittleQueen]

User ....Yes it is very weird ....but in a nutshell I didn't get to know his DC for several years after we got together. Unusual I know.

DoingItFine No he didn't, but would that make a difference?

prettyPurple ....Your Dp's track history doesn't sound ideal....I hope it works out but I would take it slowly x

[c3pu]

When I got with my boys mum, she was my first serious relationship. I was with her for eight years.

I loved her with all my heart, completely and utterly. Which was nice, but also made me somewhat blind to her rather obvious flaws.

We are no longer together, and frankly I'm glad as no amount of love can compensate for the lies, deceit, abuse of trust and all the rest of it... And despite going on plenty of dates, I'm yet to feel anything for anyone else that remotely approaches what I felt for her.

Maybe it needs more time, I don't know. But I kind of feel nothing will ever be quite like it was with her.

Maybe it was her imperfections that made me love her all the more?

Dunno. I've been out with plenty of girls who are nicer people, and who deserve my love far more than my ex ever did, but it hasn't happened yet.

[doji]

I don't care if I'm the most loved, I know I'm the most loved right now. But I was also incredibly picky about who I dated - no recently separated man, or those who had lots of unresolved baggage. Anyone instantly declaring their love for me also got binned.
I don't care if my DP has deeply loved others, just so long as he was definitely over them long before we met. I also refused to date seriously until it was over a year since I left my last relationship - even though I felt over him - as anything less was unfair on any new partner.

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Awwww cepu

You sound nice, I am sure it will come with time.