To think maybe its not normal to want your dp/dh to love you the "most" out of everyone they've ever been with

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Inspired by the tattoo thread

I want to be with someone who loves me "The most". I don't want to date or anything because pretty much every man my age seems to have multiple ex wives / children .....how do I know that if I got with someone he wouldn't have loved someone else more?

ExH is older than me and wasn't long out of a long marriage when we met. And he ended up going back to her briefly in the beginning of our relationship then came back to me. But I didnt know at the time, It only came out a few years down the line, we were married with 2 DC by then but then poisoned the whole relationship, I tried to limp on for a while but In the end couldn't deal. And it finally ended a while back for that and other reasons. But Even before I found out about his deceit I always felt second best as he had been married before and everything we did together in the back of mind I knew he had done it all before with someone else.

I should have met someone at 18 and got married and stayed that way....but then I would only worry that he would wonder what it was like to be with other people and vice versa.....

Do people love differently? I loved ExH the "most" out of the few relationships I had. I just wish someone would one day feel that I am the best thing that ever happened to them and every one else pales in to insignificance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Its probably not normal is it :(

[WarholsLittleQueen]

I haven't posted about this before?

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

And Doing, absolutely. We had been together a few years and married ages and had dc1 dc2 and also my dc from my prev relationship.

Yup, you have posted about this when you were still with him.

Looks like all the advice you got then was wasted on you.

[WarholsLittleQueen]

I just think it can't possibly work now as its just been spoilt for me.

Sad, he destroyed something beautiful but perhaps he will learn for the future.

[HuskyLover1]

He didn't tho! He went back to her, for a very brief time (only because of his worry about contact with the kids) and then cane back to you, as he realised you were The One. Bejesus woman, take him back! You're being way too stubborn! I think he's been punished enough......

[WarholsLittleQueen]

But you seem to actually hate him

Husky, I actually do feel hate for him because I feel like he took me for an utter twat. I was so in love with him and he just stamped all over that and took what we had , or what I thought I had, and made it nothing. And to lie by omission all that time

[WarholsLittleQueen]

My ex ... Love felt like fire. It was passionate and spontaneous and sparky. We lit each other up and lifted each other and it was all adrenaline and connection

This was what it was like at the beginning for me and ex Insert. It was like being hit by a truck for both of us. For me it didn't always feel good, it was terrifying. Then it settled into the kind of thing you describe with your present dp ....but it prob took 5 years, it was mad how long the crazy passion lasted

I also think the timing of the discovery of the lies is a big part of the problem

And Doing, absolutely. We had been together a few years and married ages and had dc1 dc2 and also my dc from my prev relationship. Our DC2 was just a few months old when I found out and life was blissful, I was so happy then that came out. It shattered my world, knocked me for 6. And how I found out was awful. It was from his (adult) DC the first time I ever met her (weird back story.... I cant even begin to explain)

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I suppose everyone is different. But I would not want to be the safe or cuddly choice compared to a previous great passion!

I want to be the great passion that makes all previous loves the safe cuddly ones! I'm with the OP!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

He made a mistake five years ago. But you love him and he loves you and presumably your children love him and want you to all be together. He doesn't sound like a bad man, possibly a weak one.

I think your pride has been hurt. But life is short and we don't get many chances at being happy. I think you should give it another go.

[HuskyLover1]

I still think you are massively over-reacting. If you really loved him as much as you say you do, you could put my spin on it, and get past this. But you seem to actually hate him. I think you need to calm down.

[InsertWittyPunHere]

Sorry. Re read and saw that you had discussed marriage etc. At that point.


I hope you find happiness.

[DoinItFine]

Are you biting off your nose to spite your face here?

I mean, I get why you are pissed off about the lying.

I think you are wrong to judge him so harshly for going back to his wife, and to take it personally. It really doesn't say anything bad about either him or his feelings for you.

I also think the timing of the discovery of the lies is a big part of the problem.

If you had known at the time, you say you would have left him.

But would you really?

His lie was a selfish lie, and he certainly used you. But is a lie like that to a fairly recent girlfriend worth losing a man you still love over?

Does he tell self-serving lies all the time?

Is he generally economical with the truth to get his way?

You know him far, far better now than you did then. So you get to make the decision from here and now. You can't make it as a single woman who hasn't much invested.

Yes, he took that option away from you, and he shouldn't have.

But would you be better off he had left you the decision and you had walked away?

Would you?

[InsertWittyPunHere]

I do think you can love people differently. I'm completely in love with my husband and want to spend forever with him .... But I did love my ex. I wouldn't necessarily say more ... Because the two loves don't feel the same to me. Even now if you were to ask me do I love my ex I would probably say yes....and my husband knows that BTW.

My ex ... Love felt like fire. It was passionate and spontaneous and sparky. We lit each other up and lifted each other and it was all adrenaline and connection. It was exhausting and exhilarating and I sort of always knew it had a time limit.

My husband .... It is different. On a daily basis it feels more soft and warm and like the hug of your fondest memories and scents .... But the idea of living without him makes my feel like I am drowning.

For the first year give or take with my husband I didn't know if I was in love with him ... I wasn't sure about the relationship.
I did wonder if I'd made a huge mistake and I was tempted to abandon ship and go back to the feelings that I understood.


I think if he had done what he did (your dh) further down the line it would of been unacceptable but so soon into the relationship I can sort of understand where he is coming from ... Sometimes it takes a while to realise what someone means to you because you haven't felt it before.

Had you discussed the relationship at the point in time this happened? Confirmed you were a couple/discussed the future/decided to be monogamous? .... I think that would make me feel different about his actions ... If you hadn't I don't think he did something awful keeping it from you Bout his ex ... But if you had and he hid it on purpose after such talk then that's a different story.

[Somerville]

Counselling sounds good.

Also staying away from posting AIBU if it's a sensitive subject for you. Personally my rule is that if there is even the slightest chance I'm being unreasonable then I won't start a thread on this board - which means I never have!

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Sorry for your loss Somerville

What this thread has taught me is

a) A lot

b) That I am not ready to date, definitely not...and honestly at this moment think that I never will be

c) I need to maybe seek counselling of some sort so I don't fuck up any future relationships

d) I am not over exDH

e) That it is going be extremely shitty when DH starts dating again

f) And maybe I should have started a different thread in Relationships about how to deal with the break down of my marriage rather than doing it the way I have done

FFS :(

[Somerville]

Your reason for ending your relationship doesn't sound immature to me.

Some of the other things you've said - sorry - do sound rather less than mature, though. Feeling second best because he'd done it before with someone else. And thank fuck that not everyone shares you opinion on dating widow/ers, or I'd be doomed to a life of loneliness.

The best way I can think to describe to you what it is like to have a second love of my life is by comparing it to children. When you had your first, did you think it was possible to love a second child with your whole heart? I remember worrying about that when pregnant with DC2. And then he was born and BAM! I loved a second baby every bit as much, without losing any of my love for my first child. And the love I feel for my children is equal in importance but not identical because they're not identical and neither is my relationship with each of them.


The difference with falling in love romantically is obviously that romantic relationships aren't concurrent. I still love my late DH, and always will, and miss him so much that it hurts. But I have just as much love to give (actually, more than I would had he never been in my life - 15 years of loving him and being loved by him gave me more capacity for love, I think) to my fiancé. And comparing it would be impossible because they're different so the love is a bit different too. But still just as significant and important.

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Of course she should have had the option of dumping a boyfriend who ditched her for his ex.Not giving her that choice was very deceitful and disrespectful

Thank you !!! This is what I mean.

[user1474627704]

So you say. But you don't actually know anything about it.

[DoinItFine]

Sometimes people lie to you because you make it impossible for them to tell you the truth.



He wasn't in Stalin's Russia.

He just wanted the option of going back to his new girlfriend if things didn’t work out with his wife.

It was absolutely possible for him to tell the truth.

But he was happy to deceive the woman he supposedly loved in order to get what he wanted.

Of course she should have had the option of dumping a boyfriend who ditched her for his ex.

Not giving her that choice was very deceitful and disrespectful.

And no part of it was about love.

[user1474627704]

Is it possible that he kept the secret from you precisely because he knew how badly you would react to him choosing, briefly, his children over a new relationship with you?

This. Sometimes people lie to you because you make it impossible for them to tell you the truth. If he knew you expected to be put before his children, he knew there was no reasoning with you.
I think you both made a mistake, him for marrying someone who expected to be put before his children, and you for expecting it. And for not knowing where he'd been. A mess from the start.

[DoinItFine]

Lying to somebody because you don't want to give them a chance to make a choice about the truth is cruel and unfair.

You don't get to blame your dishonesty on other people.

A fundamentally honest man woukd have told his new girlfriend why he was leaving her.

Not kept her as a reserve option.

The decision now is whether his selfish lying is something that is an ongoing character trait.

It's certainly not one I would be prepared to accept in a life partner.

[ChequeOff]

Is it possible that he kept the secret from you precisely because he knew how badly you would react to him choosing, briefly, his children over a new relationship with you?

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Onion I think that if he had been honest with me at the start when we got back together about what had happened, I then would have been able to make an informed decision about whether to get back with him and if I am honest I think I would have run a mile.

Its an actual piss take he thought he could just get me back and think he could get away with hiding this massive, deal breaking secret from me. And asking me to marry him and have 2 dc while taking me for a complete and utter twat. Nah. Unforgivable in my book :(

Not sure what is immature about not wanting to be married to a liar.

[user1474627704]

He says that too hmm but how could I have been for him to risk losing me? And to even think that what he had before was better?

What he had before WAS better, because he was with his children. Which is where any dad worth the title should want to be. He put his children ahead of a very new girlfriend....Wouldn't you like him to do that with your children? Will his next girlfriend not meet your children for several years, will she expect to be above them in his eyes after they are together for 5 mins?
I hope for your children that his next partner is less selfish than you.

[OnionKnight]

Wait, you're divorcing him because he got back with his ex wife for a few weeks whilst only being with you for a few months?

I think you're making a mistake or you're very immature, especially if the reasons he got back with her are true (withholding access etc).

[ChequeOff]

It would not work me taking him back though, because what he did has killed what we had. Because I cant deal that there was ever a better option, no matter for how short a time ......Maybe that means I have a massive ego, I dunno. Is it that wrong to have wanted to have been the only option?

I don't think it means you have a massive ego OP. But from your posts, I do think you would benefit from counselling/therapy.