To think maybe its not normal to want your dp/dh to love you the "most" out of everyone they've ever been with

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Inspired by the tattoo thread

I want to be with someone who loves me "The most". I don't want to date or anything because pretty much every man my age seems to have multiple ex wives / children .....how do I know that if I got with someone he wouldn't have loved someone else more?

ExH is older than me and wasn't long out of a long marriage when we met. And he ended up going back to her briefly in the beginning of our relationship then came back to me. But I didnt know at the time, It only came out a few years down the line, we were married with 2 DC by then but then poisoned the whole relationship, I tried to limp on for a while but In the end couldn't deal. And it finally ended a while back for that and other reasons. But Even before I found out about his deceit I always felt second best as he had been married before and everything we did together in the back of mind I knew he had done it all before with someone else.

I should have met someone at 18 and got married and stayed that way....but then I would only worry that he would wonder what it was like to be with other people and vice versa.....

Do people love differently? I loved ExH the "most" out of the few relationships I had. I just wish someone would one day feel that I am the best thing that ever happened to them and every one else pales in to insignificance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Its probably not normal is it :(

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

There's also another reason, I know other people who put up with being 'second best' to an Ex. None of us should be second best to anyone!

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

But you can want to 'be the best love' too soon. It doesn't happen overnight. It's great to have fun and lighthearted.

I would not want to commit to anyone though, to live with them, without knowing that I am number one for them, and without a major lingering nostalgia for someone better.

[WarholsLittleQueen]

Has he told you why he went back to his ex at the beginning of your relationship?

Oh its such trite bollocks. He missed his DC, his ex wife wanted him back and was "stopping him seeing the DC" if he didn't come back. So he finished with me (for some shit reason which I cant even remember) when as far as I knew things were going amazingly. And fucked off for a few weeks then came crawling back to me begging me to have him back and I was stupid enough to take him back as I had no idea where he had been. I don't give a shit what the reason was, no reason is remotely good enough for me. Especially not when he lied by omission for 5 years, also my MIL knew the whole time and I had the humiliation of finding out what he did not from him but from his DC.

Sounds like the problem is your own self-esteem and not being over your ex

No I am not yet over my ex.....and no intention of dating yet as its early days anyway really. But I just can't see myself ever dating because of my high expectations.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Oof, I couldn't stand being near anyone who was mithering me about who I loved the most! V unattractive trait.

Op, I won't ask you out again ;)

[WarholsLittleQueen]

I wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who didn't think I was the great love of their life and for whom I didn't feel the same

Yes!! That's what I am saying bananas

[Every1lovesPatsy]

Yeah it is lol

[DustyOfSkye]

Totally agree with your last post bananas

[ProseccoBitch]

hmm

Don't lose hope OP - I'm 40 and DP is 30 and had never had a serious relationship before me.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I think you need to stick to high school dating sites, op.

Or get a move on because if you are expecting 40 yr olds to tell you 'they've never felt like this before'- they're mostly be lying.

[Sparklesilverglitter]

But everybody has a past, don't they. Nobody should have to apologise for loving somebody before you.
Is there even such a thing as "love of my life" or Is it just a concept we are sold in films?

I loved my first boyfriend who I was with for years very much. I am now married to DH we've been together 17 years and I love DH.

Somebody up thread put it well They love you NOW

I think the whole I only want to be with somebody that loves me the "most" is more about You and Your self esteem.

[Chocolateiloveyou28]

I had a lot and I mean a lot of relationships before I met DH, some of which were serious and I did love the guys I was seeing. I have been with DH many years now and I love him- I love DH NOW.

Nobody should have to apologise for loving people before you or for having a past. It's the here and now that matters, it's the fact they love you now that matters!

I do find the whole please love me the "most" thing rather childish TBH. Something I'd expect a teenager to come out with. I think it's about Your self esteem

The chances of meeting somebody in your late 20's + and them never having loved anybody before you are pretty low.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

OP, have you posted about this issue before, whilst you were still with ex?

It sounds very familiar.

[TheNaze73]

Op, I'm sorry but you're sounding like a dislodged prom queen.

Everyone is different, I think we can experience different types of live at different stages of our lives. The intense love I experience in my early 20's is so different to the love of my life who's in their 50's.

Don't get het up ever on comparisons, live for today, not yesterday

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I don't think it's poor self esteem to want to be number one. My DP is number one for me in my life. If he wasn't, I'd be looking for someone who was. Who wants to commit to someone who isn't as good as previous Exes?

We all have a past, I've loved others, but they ended. Either I ended it with them because the relationship wasn't great. Or they broke my heart but I accepted it, moved on.

My DP has an Ex Wife, but the whole point of their relationship ending was that it wasn't great between them and should be better with me. Otherwise, why end it?

Harking on constantly about being the best is a little needy though, I agree! Just being told once is enough! Or just knowing it.

[Helmetbymidnight]

No, It's weird to only want to be with an adult who has never been in love before. Properly weird.

I could understand it if you were 15 but...

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I guess my problem with the 'love you now' is it begs the question, why give up on previous loves them? And the future, are you going to 'not love' tomorrow and go on to the next?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Everyone has loved, I don't think that was the OPs question was it? It was - to be the one loved most - if there is a serial amount of 'love' relationships, then why are you leaving them if they are the same amount of love to the next - is it just like another course at dinner?!

[WarholsLittleQueen]

I don't think it's poor self esteem to want to be number one. My DP is number one for me in my life. If he wasn't, I'd be looking for someone who was. Who wants to commit to someone who isn't as good as previous Exes?

This is what I am trying to say, but very poorly

It's weird to only want to be with an adult who has never been in love before. Properly weird

I haven't got a problem with potential Dp'S Having loved previously, that would be very unusual and weird! As most people over, say, 21 have been in love. I just want my potential, a long while down the line, hypothetical relationship to be the BEST one he's EVER had ....and same for me too of course.

[Helmetbymidnight]

It's not an argument, it's just...you really only want to be with a man whose never been in a relationship before? Or who was in a relationship but didn't actually like their partner?
Wow.

[Chocolateiloveyou28]

I just don't get the whole "most" loved thing.

It is the here and now that matters and as long as somebody is in love with you right NOW what's the problem?

Also how do you measure love? How to you ever really know you love DH for example more than boyfriend 5 like how do you ever know that?

And the posters saying well if you love them now why give up on previous love we're all adults right? We all know that relationships aren't black and white don't me? Maybe people break up not because they don't love each other but they just don't work, love will not make a relationship work.
Maybe they were young, stupid and made mistakes which meant the relationship ended

[Chocolateiloveyou28]

Also who ever has a conversation with there dp/DH and says out of all your partners who did you love the most was it me?? like why would that ever come up.

[DoinItFine]

It is the here and now that matters



What does that even mean?

I loathe this kind of meaningless bollocks.

Live a goldfish! No past or future.

[Cocklodger]

I don't think thats what the OP is saying, Helmet
I think the OP means she wants to feel more attractive/loved/passion for her than his exes?
I think? If so, then I kind of get it, but can't offer advice as DH had only had one serious relationship prior to me and that ended badly (Bit of a bunny boiler when we got together months later too) so I doubt he can look back upon that fondly, we've been together a decade now. so I really can't offer any help, but I was young (16/17) and he was early 20's when we met, so a v different situation but I definitely get what you're saying

[DoinItFine]

I have told DH that I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else.

It's so obviously the case.

He didn't have to ask.

I imagine you don't if it's true.

[DustyOfSkye]

I don't think it's possible to quantity how "much" you love one person compared to another.

I can honestly say that with each meaningful relationship (3) i've ever had, at some point in the relationship I felt that it to be the greatest love I'd experienced because it was. As you evolve and grow, so does your perspective on what is meaningful. I might not have appreciated and valued the qualities that I love so deeply in my partner now when I was 19. And I'm certainly not looking to have the overwhelming passion of blind love that I experienced as a teenager now as a middle aged woman.