AIBU to be furious with EXP for upsetting DS regarding partner being called a step-dad

[Lookproperly]

Brief background: split up from EX a good 5 years ago. He was an awful partner but we have a wonderful DS, (now 9yo), and I wrongly clung on and tried to fix a very dysfunctional relationship for too long. I did this for DS but with help from friends and mumsnet I eventually realised it was him not me and finished it.

I was sad for DS but felt relief from the moment that it was over. I was glad to be able to slowly build my life back.

I met a lovely lovely man. He has shown me what a loving partner should be. We took things slowly regarding DS, and eventually all moved in together last year after almost 4 years together.

DS' Dad has been difficult, he is angry and unpredictable and he has gradually reduced the time that he spends with his son, and insists DS fits around his new relationship (e.g. Only visits when girlfriend has own kids, can't visit with a sniffle). There is no financial support whatsoever. I have bit my lip and facilitated the closest relationship that I can between DS and his Dad- as a child of divorced parents I know it is important to put DS first. As such I would say EXP gets away with pretty poor parenting.

DP has always been very respectful of DS' Dad, he is very anxious not to tread on his toes. He is very helpful and supportive to me as a mum and his relationship with DS I would say is a bit like a good old uncle.

Fast forward to this week. DP proposed to me, and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world I said yes. To top it all off DS seemed pleased, he was playing with my best friends daughter last week and she messaged me to say he was gushing about it and the kids were busily chatting away planning the wedding!

Last night DS stayed with his dad for the first time since our engagement (I had already told EXP). EXP called at 9.30pm to tell me DS had been really upset about the wedding and especially about having a new 'step dad'. I told him I thought the use of the term stepdad was unnecessary and implied he has some sort of additional dad- this is not the way we see it- DS has a mum (me), a dad (him), and my partner is known by his Christian name. EXP disagreed, saying DS needed to accept the term step dad. I feel like he had deliberately tried to put a negative spin on the situation.

DS returned home early this morning (as arranged). I chatted to him, he got very upset and he admitted (very unusually for him as he doesn't usually talk about feelings), that it felt like his dad was being replaced. I have reassured him as much as I possibly can.

He now says he's not happy about me getting married, he's not sure if he wants to share in the day, he says it's all weird.

I am so sad for my little boy. I can't and won't try to persuade him to be happy for us, but I so wish that he was. I don't know how to help him.

I'm angry with EXP, I want to tell him as much but I'm attempting not to engage- it won't help.

I feel sad for my lovely partner too. He's tried so hard not to tread on EXS toes, he provides so much for DS and I feel guilty that things are so complicated.

I don't know what I expected from this thread. I guess I just needed to get it all out....

Lookproperly I empathise, and of course you are entitled to your emotions, but I would caution against assuming your emotions are invisible to your son. They can be remarkably in tune with your emotional state irrespective of what they can understand.

You are quite right in this all being a nasty revelation one day for your son. From his point of view he is made up of both you and his father, so it may well create internal conflict within his own psyche as he will identify with both of you. He may well end up literally at odds with himself. I speak from experience here.

My advice for what it's worth is that if the half he gets from you is a life of love, responsibility and capacity for honest self-reflection and treating others well he will have an great deal going for him. So rather than getting tripped up with being angry at your ex, provide a happy and positive balance. You sound really happy with your new partner, make that a positive within which your ds is included.

In closing:
• Of course your ex should be making a financial contribtution for your son.
• If he breaks down any more doors or threatens your ex I would get the police involved, it will be difficult to bring that up in future if there are legal wrangles and there is no police corroboration.
• I admire your persistence in encouraging contact with your ex in difficult circumstances, and making a home of increasing happiness and stability for your son to grow up in.

Sounds like your ex is deliberately over-egging the Step Dad pudding, just to create conflicting loyalties with your/ his DS. Nasty.

DC invariably feel guilty about having a nice time and getting on well with a step parent, and an embittered ex can do a fine job of laying on the guilt trip.

All you can do is carry on regardless and good wins through over the long term

I'd try and help your ds to get used to the term Stepdad. It will not go away and your ex will not be the only one who may use it.

What does your son refer to your partner as apart from his name? Mums boyfriend?

Why force the issue? He'll know that others will use step dad, he doesn't have too.