AIBU to be furious with EXP for upsetting DS regarding partner being called a step-dad

[Lookproperly]

Brief background: split up from EX a good 5 years ago. He was an awful partner but we have a wonderful DS, (now 9yo), and I wrongly clung on and tried to fix a very dysfunctional relationship for too long. I did this for DS but with help from friends and mumsnet I eventually realised it was him not me and finished it.

I was sad for DS but felt relief from the moment that it was over. I was glad to be able to slowly build my life back.

I met a lovely lovely man. He has shown me what a loving partner should be. We took things slowly regarding DS, and eventually all moved in together last year after almost 4 years together.

DS' Dad has been difficult, he is angry and unpredictable and he has gradually reduced the time that he spends with his son, and insists DS fits around his new relationship (e.g. Only visits when girlfriend has own kids, can't visit with a sniffle). There is no financial support whatsoever. I have bit my lip and facilitated the closest relationship that I can between DS and his Dad- as a child of divorced parents I know it is important to put DS first. As such I would say EXP gets away with pretty poor parenting.

DP has always been very respectful of DS' Dad, he is very anxious not to tread on his toes. He is very helpful and supportive to me as a mum and his relationship with DS I would say is a bit like a good old uncle.

Fast forward to this week. DP proposed to me, and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world I said yes. To top it all off DS seemed pleased, he was playing with my best friends daughter last week and she messaged me to say he was gushing about it and the kids were busily chatting away planning the wedding!

Last night DS stayed with his dad for the first time since our engagement (I had already told EXP). EXP called at 9.30pm to tell me DS had been really upset about the wedding and especially about having a new 'step dad'. I told him I thought the use of the term stepdad was unnecessary and implied he has some sort of additional dad- this is not the way we see it- DS has a mum (me), a dad (him), and my partner is known by his Christian name. EXP disagreed, saying DS needed to accept the term step dad. I feel like he had deliberately tried to put a negative spin on the situation.

DS returned home early this morning (as arranged). I chatted to him, he got very upset and he admitted (very unusually for him as he doesn't usually talk about feelings), that it felt like his dad was being replaced. I have reassured him as much as I possibly can.

He now says he's not happy about me getting married, he's not sure if he wants to share in the day, he says it's all weird.

I am so sad for my little boy. I can't and won't try to persuade him to be happy for us, but I so wish that he was. I don't know how to help him.

I'm angry with EXP, I want to tell him as much but I'm attempting not to engage- it won't help.

I feel sad for my lovely partner too. He's tried so hard not to tread on EXS toes, he provides so much for DS and I feel guilty that things are so complicated.

I don't know what I expected from this thread. I guess I just needed to get it all out....

[honeyroar]

I'm a stepmum, and my stepson was about the same age as your son Op when we got married. He's never called me stepmum, who does call their stepmum/dad that? He knows I am his stepmum, of course. We've used the term in jest now he's grown up, we call me his wicked stepmum in cards. When we got married we involved him a lot. My husband asked him if he was ok with it before he asked me, and showed him the ring etc. We asked him to be our best man (joint with husband's best friend) and he played here comes the bride on his keyboard as I walked down the aisle. We had a couple of blips with his ex wife, who, despite knowing our wedding date a year in advance, booked a holiday over it and said stepson couldn't come. Luckily for us her second husband left her and cancelled the holIday so he could come.

At this stage all you can do is keep talking. Keep telling him that he will always have you and his dad, no matter what. Just that the rest of his family will change a bit. He will have a step dad, other people at school may have a stepdad too, others may have more brothers and sister than him, or more uncles etc. Tell him it just means that the people that love him and are officially part of his family. It won't change who was there first. And take it from me, it won't take many more years until he's able to see through his dad and see the games he's played and that he's been a bit of a let down.

[clumsyduck]

I think your ex is in the wrong here too. Yes he will be his stepdad but that wouldn't be the first thing to come to my mind to mention . I am engaged to dp so when we marry technically he will be ds step dad it's not a term we've ever mentioned it's just a word . Ds has a dad who he sees often and loves . His relationship with my dp is good but he's not his dad .

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all sounds like your ex has filled his head full of Rubbish ex p probably realises he is a half arsed dad and is jealous

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

All the posters 'struggling' to see what ex has done wrong; I'd suggest zero maintenance and buggering his DS around with contact arrangements is a good place to start....

Of course we can't be sure how DS was really feeling before he visited his father, but he's certainly returned home unhappier than when he left. I suspect there's more to it than just telling him he'll 'have to get used to it'. I imagine some Grade A manipulative behaviour has gone on.

Anyway, OP, congratulations on your engagement - am glad you've found a decent bloke; sounds like you deserve it.

[FullTimeYummy]

itshouldhavebeenjess

The thread isn't about maintenance or contact arrangements, but you knew that

[Oldraver]

I think your ex has wound up your DS possibly with the thought of your ex bowing out of the relationship.

My 'Father' did this. When he found out my brother (who he had never bothered with, never had for contact) was calling my Step-Dad 'Dad'..he threw a hissy fit, apparently saying "well let him be his Dad then". It was a convienient excuse of walking away from his fatherly duties...not that he was a Dad to my brother anyway

[eyebrowsonfleek]

When major things have happened, my kids have seemingly been fine at first then had worries and questions later.
Their dad left me for OW and I remember them being very worried that their dad was going to have more children. Could your son be fearing this?

I think you should keep on talking with him. Your son will hopefully quickly realise that your partner isn't going to be any different to way he is now and that the term stepdad is a term that people outside the family will use to distinguish between the two adult men in his life. (I'm playing devil's advocate and hoping that your ex isn't projecting his insecurities on his son.)

[IceRoadDucker]

All the posters 'struggling' to see what ex has done wrong; I'd suggest zero maintenance and buggering his DS around with contact arrangements is a good place to start....

I think we all get that part. But the original post didn't make it clear how the ex had upset their son... saying he will have to get used to having a stepdad doesn't sound like bad behaviour on the face of it.

I think it'd be strange for him to call the OP's partner 'uncle'. He's not your brother!

[FullTimeYummy]

itshouldhavebeenjess

"Of course we can't be sure how DS was really feeling before he visited his father, but he's certainly returned home unhappier than when he left"


If we don't know how happy he was to start with, how do we know he's less happy now?

Also as said, we don't know what exactly he was "happy" with in the first and what he was unaware of

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

FullTime. But it has been mentioned in the OP, in order to give some background and what kind of relationship he has with his son, and clearly indicates that he neither emotionally or financially supportive to DS.

[alphabook]

Congratulations on your engagement!

I wouldn't be too angry with ex-P (about this anyway, you have plenty to be angry about in terms of lack of financial support and contact with DS) as you don't know exactly what was said, I think to assume he was just poisoned by ex-P is a bit too simplistic. DS is entitled to his own feelings and may have had those worries already. The main thing is to reassure him that the day is just a party to celebrate your relationship, and absolutely nothing about your relationships (DS and you, your partner and your ex) will change afterwards.

[FullTimeYummy]

itshouldhavebeenjess

None of that means he has manipulated his son.

Sure he might have, but there are other less nefarious explanations

In any case, DS is now upset, and as many posters have highlighted, he has good reason to be.

I can't see how attacking the ex because he may or may not have engineered the situation is going to help. Right now the ex is more in tune with his son than the OP is and that needs to be addressed.

[a8mint]

I think it is good that he has seome one to open up to about this

[user1471496843]

I've gone through pretty much the same with my almost 6 year old D/S. I split from XP over 5 years ago and he's been with OW that I kicked him out over for almost the whole time. He's gone on to have another DS, plus we've had an ongoing court case. He's broken contact order numerous times, I've had to have an enforcement order of earnings from his wages for last two years.
Yet since I got engaged earlier this year to my absolutely amazing DP he's tried to get a court injunction to prevent us moving 20 miles up the road, dropping mid week contact and telling my DS that my DP isn't his step father. DS calls him his first first name but refers to him as his Dad to other people. From what I'm aware DS has a much better relationship with DP and as such I believe XP is jealous.

It wasn't always this way, six months ago when we got engaged DS was jealous of relationship full stop after 5 years of us by ourselves. But as time goes on they get on better than ever. I'd go so far as to say my DS is more like his SD than his own father. They melt me completely.

So I guess I'd just make sure DS knows that he's only got one biological father/Dad but your partner loves him as his own too. Almost like a bonus father figure.

We talked about it as in lucky that my DP comes from a very sporty family so he has lots of opportunities that way. Extra grandparents that he's closer to than biological grandparents on his father's side. Extra cousins to play with etc.

We've taken to ignoring what XP has said and only reassuring DS.

[wornoutboots]

my two boys have a step father.
the eldest calls him "uncle"
the younger one calls him "dipdap" (he couldn't say "stepdad", probably could now but why change something that works?)

if it's the "dad" part of the title, you need to talk to y our son about that, and that while your partner will always be there to help and support LIKE a parent he knows he is not dad.

[SmellySphinx]

Your ex is a grade A twat and has filled your sons head with all sorts of crap about your new partner...he is seemingly excited about it all and then all of a sudden after visiting his Dad is full of fear about a 'replacement Dad'

[ThatStewie]

Uncle is a massively creepy term to use. Please don't.

Your ex sounds a right wanker. I'd go to the child maintenance service and sort that out. Any man who chooses not to not financially support their child is abusive. It's a form of domestic violence. Do not let him shirk his responsibilities. As for access, i would make sure everything is done by email so you have a trail of evidence. Keep a log of all cancelled contact and the various stupid reasons for it (refusing to care for your sick child is emotionally abusive).

The stepfather issue is more complicated. I would explain it as a legal term and give examples of when it could be used. For example, if your DS falls out of a tree at school and breaks his arm. His stepfather could collect him & get hospital treatment without your or his father there. Technically, tgis isn't true in law but it's an easy way to explain what it means to a child. Or his stepfather could take him to the dentist or sign school permission slips. Be very clear that his father (wanker that he might be) will always be his father. He's just lucky to have a second man who loves him and wants to be part of his family - not to replace his Dad but in addition too. Have this conversation without your DP and then have one a few days later with your DP so that your DS knows he is loved. Ensure that things won't change like his hobbies or friends. I'd also be tempted to get your DP to ask him to be yhis best man and explain that the role usually goes to the grooms best friend/ brother and that your DP sees him as important in his life as his best friend/brother.

[mixety]

Hmm. DSS was that age when his mum married her long term partner. Despite me (his de facto step mum) and DP (his dad) being very supportive and enthusiastic about it, and despite DSS having lived with and got on well with his step dad since he was just a toddler, he still wasn't thrilled about the wedding. His explanations weren't always coherent/consistent, but it definitely unnerved him, even though like in your case it wouldn't actually mean anything was going to change. I think partly because the idea of "mushy romance" involving his mum was a bit horrifying to him, and partly because it did mark a sort of finality to the idea his parents might get back together, even though it was obviously never going to happen to the rest of us I'm sure he harboured secret fantasies about it. On the actual day of the wedding though DSs had a great time as the 'leader' of all the other kids there, he was in his element.

It's annoying that your ex doesnt seem to be helping things but I think it is maybe normal that the wedding has thrown up some mixed emotions for your son. All ypu can do is reassure him that nothing in his life will change, that yes he'll officially have a step dad but it's just a random word that you don't have to use if none of you want to, and it doesn't mean he is getting a replacement father. I'm sure things will settle down, from what you have said. And don't be disappointed if he's not really excited about things, just get on with it and I bet he'll enjoy the day itself if he's anything like DSS.

[Lookproperly]

To try to clarify a few points:

EXP unfortunately has form for being thoughtless and running roughshod over Ds' feelings. Examples include, threatening DP when he found out we were together (with absolutely zero reason), breaking front door down once when I refused to answer his calls unless he calmed down after taking abuse from him all day, bringing DS home early if he has even a runny nose as his new partner worries about germs, loosing his temper with DS once for being excited about a holiday with DP and I. I have dealt with all this as best I can whilst doing all I can to facilitate the best relationship between DS and his dad as I can. DP is exasperated by it all, but has bitten his tongue and hidden his anger in order to put DS first.

DS appeared happy about the wedding before visiting his dad. We had kept things low key, I was deliberately avoiding making him feel that he had to be happy for us. My friend, dad and mum had all collected him from school last week and all reported that he bought the wedding up before they even mentioned it and that he was excited and plotting to day itself.

I do accept that DS may have had reservations that he hadn't aired before going to see his dad. However, I wish his dad had not bought up the concept of a 'stepdad' unprompted, and had made some effort to be sensitive and reassuring about it.

My absolute priority in all of this is DS. DP feels the same- which is one of the reasons that I love him so much.

I really have taken all comments on board. I am doing my best to swallow my disappointment and sadness at DS' latest reaction to the wedding. He certainly won't be aware of it, and I have praised him for being open and honest about his feelings. He won't know that I'm disappointed with his Dad, I would never stoop to that level.

I'm going to do all I can to reassure DS. He never asked for my if this.

[HereIAm20]

I think your ex has more of a problem with it and has guilt tripped your son.

Just keep on with family life as it is and reiterate that soon to be step Dad is still the same friendly man he was and will be.

My son called his step Dad by his first name but if we were on holiday and anyone (who didn't know us) referred to my DH as his Dad he didn't correct them. It was DH (stepDad ) that paid for his halls at uni and they have a great relationship without it taking away from the relationship with his Dad (my ex).

If "real" dad wants to be treated as a real DAd get on to CMS and let him have some actual responsibility!

[Lookproperly]

Apologies for typos: last sentence should say: he never asked for any of this.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

Right now the ex is more in tune with his son than the OP, and that needs to be addressed

Is he? Who is the one sitting down with DS, reassuring him, talking to him, asking about his feelings and be as open and honest as possible, on a daily basis? Who is the one swallowing her own feelings and disappointments? Who is the one trying to handle the issue with sensitivity, rather than using phrases such as 'get used to it'?

[Dervel]

Right, you can't control your ex in terms of how he does/doesn't handle your new relationship. You also can't really control what ds is exposed to at his dad's.

Zooming out from the parental conflict just a second, you are left with a little boy who is now feeling confused and saddened by this whole business. Put him in control of the situation.

Sit him down and explain it is entirely up to him what he calls your fiancé once you are married. He can call him dad, step-dad, uncle or . Make it clear that whatever he chooses doesn't change his relationship with his Dad. That won't change.

Also consider your son's emotions, it is perfectly possible for him to occupy two opposing emotional standpoints. He may be very happy that your new partner makes you so happy. Whilst simultaneously sad that a reconciliation between you and his father can't happen.

Emotions are not inherently binary, your job is to help him navigate his emotions. At the moment your ex is angry at you, you are angry at your ex, and your son will be feeling like the battleground for it all atm. Take a step back and focus on your son in all of this. Let him choose how he defines his relationship with your soon to be husband.

[Lookproperly]

itshould - thank you, as you say I am trying to be in tune with DS and his feelings are my absolute priority- mine take a back seat which is partly why I'm venting on here!

Dervel- you're right, I guess DS may well be torn in two directions. I feel that EXP has probably deliberately made this worse, but I can't be sure and what matters is dealing with the situation we are now in.

I would like to clarify though that DS will not see me create any kind of battleground with EXP. I've not given him this slightest hint that I'm disappointed in his dad. I've not even let EXP know- I'm just focusing on trying to help my son.

I think one day DS will see that his dad is not the super hero that he thinks he is. I don't relish that thought at all though- it will be a painful discovery for him. He certainly won't find out from me or DP, we have covered for him over and over and in doing so kept his relationship with DS as strong as it is.

[MidniteScribbler]

What are you wanting your DS to call his new stepdad? If you want him to call him "dad" then I can actually see why your ex may feel unhappy. But he should be supporting your son.

[Lookproperly]

midnite- DS calls DP by his Christian name. I hadn't for a moment envisaged this changing.

Personally I would be uncomfortable with the term 'stepdad' , based on the word 'dad' when DS will only ever have one dad. Importantly, this is purely my own opinion and I realise plenty of people are comfortable with it.

The decision regarding what to call DP rests with DS though, and his own dad telling him to get used to the term 'stepdad', when DS has said he doesn't like it was harsh.