AIBU to be furious with EXP for upsetting DS regarding partner being called a step-dad

[Lookproperly]

Brief background: split up from EX a good 5 years ago. He was an awful partner but we have a wonderful DS, (now 9yo), and I wrongly clung on and tried to fix a very dysfunctional relationship for too long. I did this for DS but with help from friends and mumsnet I eventually realised it was him not me and finished it.

I was sad for DS but felt relief from the moment that it was over. I was glad to be able to slowly build my life back.

I met a lovely lovely man. He has shown me what a loving partner should be. We took things slowly regarding DS, and eventually all moved in together last year after almost 4 years together.

DS' Dad has been difficult, he is angry and unpredictable and he has gradually reduced the time that he spends with his son, and insists DS fits around his new relationship (e.g. Only visits when girlfriend has own kids, can't visit with a sniffle). There is no financial support whatsoever. I have bit my lip and facilitated the closest relationship that I can between DS and his Dad- as a child of divorced parents I know it is important to put DS first. As such I would say EXP gets away with pretty poor parenting.

DP has always been very respectful of DS' Dad, he is very anxious not to tread on his toes. He is very helpful and supportive to me as a mum and his relationship with DS I would say is a bit like a good old uncle.

Fast forward to this week. DP proposed to me, and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world I said yes. To top it all off DS seemed pleased, he was playing with my best friends daughter last week and she messaged me to say he was gushing about it and the kids were busily chatting away planning the wedding!

Last night DS stayed with his dad for the first time since our engagement (I had already told EXP). EXP called at 9.30pm to tell me DS had been really upset about the wedding and especially about having a new 'step dad'. I told him I thought the use of the term stepdad was unnecessary and implied he has some sort of additional dad- this is not the way we see it- DS has a mum (me), a dad (him), and my partner is known by his Christian name. EXP disagreed, saying DS needed to accept the term step dad. I feel like he had deliberately tried to put a negative spin on the situation.

DS returned home early this morning (as arranged). I chatted to him, he got very upset and he admitted (very unusually for him as he doesn't usually talk about feelings), that it felt like his dad was being replaced. I have reassured him as much as I possibly can.

He now says he's not happy about me getting married, he's not sure if he wants to share in the day, he says it's all weird.

I am so sad for my little boy. I can't and won't try to persuade him to be happy for us, but I so wish that he was. I don't know how to help him.

I'm angry with EXP, I want to tell him as much but I'm attempting not to engage- it won't help.

I feel sad for my lovely partner too. He's tried so hard not to tread on EXS toes, he provides so much for DS and I feel guilty that things are so complicated.

I don't know what I expected from this thread. I guess I just needed to get it all out....

[lovelybangers]

Ex sounds like he still isn't over you. He needs to grow up -and be a mature, responsible adult and parent (that includes paying some maintenance).
I married my DH when DS was 10 - so quite similar situation. He was quite happy about it - as were DH's DSs (similar ages).

If your son was p. reviously happy with your new family life then just give him a little time to adjust and have a chat, explain that nothing will be different.

DS is now 18 - he calls DH by his name - but if introducing someone to DH he says this is B, my step-dad. Nothing wrong with it.

Ignore Ex as much as possible and give your attentions to DS and new soon to be DH.

It will all work out fine.

[FullTimeYummy]

From what you've said, and despite some responses, it really isn't clear what the dad has done wrong here.

Is it that much of a stretch to believe that your son finds your proposed marriage a little difficult?

[Lookproperly]

Thank you for your responses and advise.

Fulltime: I can completely understand why DS might find the prospect of me getting married a bit difficult. For this reason I was pleased and relieved that he was initially very happy and excited.

I expected a few bumps along the way. I also expected EXP to prioritise his son's feelings over his own and do what he could to back up the fact that nothing will change and he need not be worried about anyone replacing his dad ever.

[Lookproperly]

Thank you for your responses and advise.

Fulltime: I can completely understand why DS might find the prospect of me getting married a bit difficult. For this reason I was pleased and relieved that he was initially very happy and excited.

I expected a few bumps along the way. I also expected EXP to prioritise his son's feelings over his own and do what he could to back up the fact that nothing will change and he need not be worried about anyone replacing his dad ever.

[Lookproperly]

Thank you for your responses and advise.

Fulltime: I can completely understand why DS might find the prospect of me getting married a bit difficult. For this reason I was pleased and relieved that he was initially very happy and excited.

I expected a few bumps along the way. I also expected EXP to prioritise his son's feelings over his own and do what he could to back up the fact that nothing will change and he need not be worried about anyone replacing his dad ever.

[Lookproperly]

Thank you for your responses and advise.

Fulltime: I can completely understand why DS might find the prospect of me getting married a bit difficult. For this reason I was pleased and relieved that he was initially very happy and excited.

I expected a few bumps along the way. I also expected EXP to prioritise his son's feelings over his own and do what he could to back up the fact that nothing will change and he need not be worried about anyone replacing his dad ever.

[Lookproperly]

Thank you for your responses and advise.

Fulltime: I can completely understand why DS might find the prospect of me getting married a bit difficult. For this reason I was pleased and relieved that he was initially very happy and excited.

I expected a few bumps along the way. I also expected EXP to prioritise his son's feelings over his own and do what he could to back up the fact that nothing will change and he need not be worried about anyone replacing his dad ever.

[Lookproperly]

Thank you for your responses and advise.

Fulltime: I can completely understand why DS might find the prospect of me getting married a bit difficult. For this reason I was pleased and relieved that he was initially very happy and excited.

I expected a few bumps along the way. I also expected EXP to prioritise his son's feelings over his own and do what he could to back up the fact that nothing will change and he need not be worried about anyone replacing his dad ever.

[Lookproperly]

Oops sorry

[Bringmewineandcake]

I agree with most of the other posters - I suspect your ex has spent his contact time telling your son that he'll have a new dad once you get married and won't need him any more. Manipulative crap and I feel so sorry for your son. It's all quite new though so unless you were planning on getting married in the next couple of months then the dust will settle and your son will likely want to be involved again.

[FullTimeYummy]

Lookproperly

What I was getting at was, perhaps your son's initial enthusiasm was influenced by your own enthusiasm and in fact, he isn't that comfortable at all.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Are you saying that rather than "DS how lovely you will have a lovely time on the special day and after that you will have 3 grown ups who will all be caring for you and loveing you" something like "poor dS im very upset mummy is getting married that means x will take over from me and I won't be around so much or as much of a dad" has happened?

[SuburbanRhonda]

The "just going to have to get used to it" comment shows that your ex-DP doesn't have it in him to support your DS emotionally, which would be more of a concern to me for the future, when worse things than this will come up.

Or maybe he's projecting what he feels onto your DS, which is no better.

[shovetheholly]

If someone tells a child that having a step-dad is an awful, terrible thing, they will believe it. It sounds to me like your exP is using his DS to voice his own fears about being 'replaced' and to ruin your wedding - which is childish and unacceptable behaviour.

I think this is a matter of providing loads of reassurance and letting time do its work. Hopefully as your DS gets older, he'll be able to see how childish his father is. It sounds as though you have a happy, loving family unit and really, that will always win at the end of the day.

[mysistersimone]

I don't understand others confusion. Your son was happy and excited, went to stay with his Dad and dear old dad dropped poison in his ear crushing his son's happy and upsetting him. If you have at no point made a step dad reference then I think his Dad has put that in his head.
I like your idea of using the Uncle term again, that will help your son see there is no dad term used when addressing your dp
I think slow and steady reassurance will win the race

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

My stepchildren struggled with their dads remarriage (mostly due to their very bitter mother). They now get on with me well but refer to me as daddy's wife rather than step mum which I think is easier for them. Might be easier for your son to view it that way too. Your DP will be "mummy's husband" rather than "my step dad"

[BillSykesDog]

Sorry OP. But it does sound like you really have your head buried in the sand about how your son might be feeling about this. You are saying nothing will change and he's not going to be his stepdad. But yes in your sons eyes it will very much change things in your DS's eyes and he will have a stepfather.

It sounds like you haven't talked to him much about how he feels about it. I think you are looking at this in completely the wrong way too. You're blaming the messenger and concentrating on your feelings and your partners feelings rather than addressing what is important - and that is why your son feels this way and what his worries are.

You need to sit down with your son and discuss his worries and reassure him. That's the best way you can try and make him come around and be happy for you.

The absolute worst thing you could do at the moment would be to make your son feel bad either for feeling this way or for discussing his feelings with his Dad when he may not have felt he could tell you.

Hearing it from your ex may not be the nicest way to find out but at least now you know. The important thing now is making sure your son is reassured and has his worries addressed, not shooting the messenger. Doing that will give your son the message that he should keep his worries bottled up because if he talks to the wrong person it will cause a huge row. That would be really destructive for him.

[FullTimeYummy]

mysistersimone

We don't know the Dad poisoned him, we don't really know if DS was even happy in the first place, or even understood the full implications of what the OP marriage would involve.

Yes it could be the case that he was over the moon until evil daddy ruined it for him and tried to turn him against DP.

It could also be the case that DS was caught up in the excitement at home, the OP projected her happiness onto him, and in actually fact, once he was away from home, DS realised he wasn't entirely comfortable with some other aspects that he perhaps hadn't even considered.

It was the first time DS had seen his dad since the engagement, so it's not entirely unreasonable that the realisation of having a "second dad" only hit him when he met his own dad.

I appreciate the posters siding firmly with the OP think they're being helpful and supportive, but as the OP explained, she has put a considerable amount of work into maintaining a difficult relationship with her ex, so encouraging her to damage that relationship based on little more than a hunch might not be all that helpful.

I can't help but thinks the "ex is being a cunt" comments are based mostly on the posters prejudices against their own exes, and not on the information presented in the OP.

[OnionKnight]

I'm struggling to see exactly what the dad is meant to have done wrong.

[BillSykesDog]

And, good Lord, don't use the term 'uncle'. It has all sorts of negative connotations and stigma when applied to a mother's partner and he will eventually get a world of stick and have to deal with a few raised eyebrows if he calls him that.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

It was not ok for your ex to stir, however you should accept that getting married does change the dynamics a bit. Marriage is a big step, and beyond the initial excitement, further thinking on it may be overwhelming your son. He may be wondering how things will change - I didn't see any mention of other children, could he be concerned you're about to start a 'new little family'? Since you don't like the term step-dad, maybe he doesn't feel your partner accepts him as a step-son - only his partner's child.

[GerdaLovesLili]

Gawd yes, don't use "Uncle". We use it the other way round, DS1's father is referred to as "Uncle" by DS2 because it's an appropriate title for someone he's not related to but is very much still a member of the family group, but it's not right for someone who is a live-in member of the household, married to his mother!

[SliceOfLime]

Agree with those saying don't call him 'uncle' - it's hardly going to help to use z family term that's incorrect, surely will just make things more confusing.

I think all you can do is ask your DS what he's worried about and try and answer his concerns, a snake sure he knows he can always talk to you with or without your DP around. You could even ask as tactfully as possible "did you think of something that worried you when you were talking to Dad (ie his real dad ) about it?"

[SliceOfLime]

A snake?! Make sure, I meant!

[BillSykesDog]

Uncle has a reputation of being a title used by women who bring lots of different temporary men in and out of their children's lives. It has all sorts of bad connotations when used in the context of a mothers partner.