Aibu to think some people just don't cope out in the world?

[woahtherenow]

I have always felt like the world is a confusing and scary place. I have managed 30 odd years of life, went to uni and married and had 6 children.

But I still feel like that. I don't cope in the world.
I have never managed to keep a job, even working for dh I failed and ended up having so much anxiety he pretty much begged me to stay home as I was getting so anxious I was scratching myself raw without even noticing.

I cope well in the day in the house I am happy I get on with things but in the evening I don't know why but I just collapse I have my routine of snuggling under my duvet and reading (I read a lot) or browsing my phone but often I'm fighting off panic attacks etc. I feel totally fine until 6-7 then for some reason it changes. The thought of an evening out fills me with horror.

I overthink things and panic about everything - o wish I could just collapse on the floor and say help meeee!!!

I take flouxitene which has helped a little.

BUT

Aibu to think that actually since I have been like this my whole life maybe some people just don't cope?

I should add that I sound pathetic here but in real life I manage to put on a pretty good front - which is why I'm thinking maybe a lot of other people to too.

I'm with you, OP, apart from the anxiety.

Sounds like you're doing fine to me, unless there's something specific you need to be doing like feeding your kids or helping pay the mortgage, why shouldn't you retreat under the duvet? The world would be a better place if more people did so (Trump, Putin, Erdogan come to mind). BTW, no one ever had a good thought at 3 a.m., that's no sign of anxiety, just normal I think!

But if the anxiety is hurting not the getting in bed, the feelings then there are some things that help, like meds and CBT and knowing it's not necessary for you to feel guilty. Bed is a very good place.

When l read your post l immediately thought of aspegers. Even down to liking the weight of the duvet to calm you down after a sensory loaded day. Maybe check it out.

Yes, the same thought occurred to me.

But whatever the root of the 'difference', it's infuriating that there's always some insufferable smug twat who will pop up on any discussion of neuro diversity or MH diversity to smugly say 'some of us have to cope and pay bills'. I bet they don't say that to people with physical health challenges.

Two of my DC aren't NT. Some of the intolerant factions in our society scare me.

On a more practical front, is there anything you can think of that explains why "it changes at 6-7 pm"? I mean, 6 kids, that must be quite a witching hour of dinner, bath, bed -- perhaps you're just exhausted after that? Or is that about when your husband comes home and starts stomping around and being demanding or just plain loud? (Not necessarily abusive, just, well, LOUD.)

If meds are a step too far, have you considered chocolate? A nice little reward at 7 p.m. seems entirely fair to me. (And chocolate is much safer than alcohol.)

If none of that fits, frankly, maybe it's just the reading IS what you like best for a reward. And as I said, what's wrong with that? What are you reading? With the clocks going back at the end of the month, I need some good suggestions...

I love my daily life - 4 of my children are in school , one is home educated and we have the baby. I have my to do list etc and get on. But I get really upset when the works intrudes.

If you can arrange your life so that you have something fulfilling to do away from the world and you're happy like that, good for you.

Have you thought about getting an ASC assessment yourself? The anxiety and MH symptoms could very easily be secondary to Autism or similar, especially as you say you've always felt the same. Would official answers feel better, do you think?

I know a few women (they are all women) who say they cannot cope with working full-time, it's all too much, blah blah blah. They are all in the fortunate position of having a DH who can earn enough to afford them to stay at home or only work part time.

Meanwhile in the wider world, most of us need to work full - or nearly full - time in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table Funnily enough, most of us manage to suck it up and make it work...

Ok, x-post with Manumission...

Maybe you should volunteer in your local homelessness service for a few hours Olenna so that you can see that homelessness is indeed what happens to many people with hidden disabilities or MH problems (those unlucky in terms of family or partners). It's not just a pat phrase to make people feel shit with.

I don't think you're a smug twat if you say that you have to pay bills. The truth is most of us do have bills to pay, mortgage or rent and DC to support. Who will financially support all of us who experience anxiety if we all decide to opt out?

I'm not trying to make anyone feel shit .

The OP asked a question, I answered it. The thread had moved on by the time I posted.

I agree completely that MH and hidden disabilities can have a profound impact on individuals' ability to provide for themselves. But I also personally know a number of individuals who could do more to provide for themselves but are happy to kick back and let their partner pick up the slack, or live in one of the few remaining places where it's possible to live on one salary.

As soon as I read your first post OP I immediately wondered if you might have ASD.

Then I read the thread and saw other people had suggested the same.

Is it something you've ever considered?

My 4th child is currently waiting for an assessment for autism.

Just seen this.

Autism can be hereditary so if one of your DC's is on the spectrum (or likely to be) then I think that makes ASD even more worth looking into for yourself.

It's a sanctimonious and unhelpful response on this thread to an eloquent account of a lifelong struggle. She's not describing 'just' mild, episodic anxiety.

I really don't think OP has said anything that justifies attempts to characterize her as a lazy yummy mummy type.

Olenna highlights the gender issue and it's true that for women who aren't NT, there has traditionally the option to retreat into a caring role when the wider world isn't working out well for them. Men who aren't NT, OTOH, have either had to find their niche, struggle on miserably in the world of work as best they can, or they've cracked and fallen altogether. But that just means that women with those types of struggles are more hidden, more isolated and less diagnosed, because they have a socially acceptable option that isn't the world of work.

I just feel very bad for OP and everyone like her that these responses to her story are socially acceptable. I think she's been brave to post.

Autism can be hereditary so if one of your DC's is on the spectrum (or likely to be) then I think that makes ASD even more worth looking into for yourself.

Yes, I'd second that.

There's so much unkindness on this thread.

I relate very much to the OP and also what Ladybird said is eerily familiar:

'I'm exactly like this. I was diagnosed with autism at 38. I cope fine with pottering about at home, doing school runs, minor errands and stuff. I cannot maintain full time 'out in the world' stuff. I can fake it for a while, a month, a few months, once or twice almost a year. But inevitable all the balls come crashing down and I retreat back to safety for a year or two.'

I've never once in 40 years suspected it could be autism but it fits all to well. Someone up thread mentioned that it presents differently in females, can you elaborate please?

Girls/women with autism are better at observing and copying social behaviour than their male counterparts Janet. So they blend in better. Things like that. I'll look for some links for you.

autismwomensnetwork.org/understanding-the-gender-gap-autistic-women-and-girls/

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_differences_in_autism

www.webmd.com/brain/autism/news/20150904/autism-behaviors-may-differ-in-boys-and-girls#1

autisticwomensempowermentproject.com/2016/08/30/why-is-autism-missed-in-females/

Thanks, Manumission!

YW

CHJR - i think it changes at 6-7 just because I'm tired by then , there's nothing I can think of in the evening that would cause me to feel anxious really!. I just feel like I need a break from things.

Manu - I haven't thought about getting an assessment myself tbh I hadn't considered that there was anything wrong other than me just being pathetic .
I would be really embarrassed to ask about it.
I find my daughter very easy to cope with - I know how to calm her and our home life is set up in a way to suit her . The issue came when she started school she does really well at her school work but gets into trouble for things like not listening and trying to hug people when they don't want to (she gets accused of trying to strangle them).

Olenna - I realise I am very lucky to have a dh who can support me. I don't know what would happen if I didn't as I have no other family .

You do sound like me. I have Aspergers. I prefer life at home and used to find the world a very scary place.

I am not trying to be smug or make you feel like shit. But I got through it because I had to. Dh was ill and I had to be able to hold down a job. I didn't have a choice.

If I had retreated we would have lost the house. That thought spurred me on and I held on to that when panic set in. It was what anchored me.

What I am saying is that I think many people find the world a scary place, but some of us have to face it and deal with it anyway.

It wasn't easy, but I didn't have a choice and to be honest I am glad it happened now. It's improved my life on the whole.

Hi woah, I'm Faith. I feel like you. I will go out but home is my safe haven. I've always felt like I'm not good at being a grown up. I had no idea why. I was diagnosed with GAD after years of anxiety that sometimes spiralled into depression at times. Then I saw a thread on MN where someone posted about possibly having ASD. My initial thought was Surely you'd know by the time you became an adult? until I saw this link to Tania Marshall's website. Suddenly I clicked. That's why I am like I am! I went to my GP, got referred for assessment (warning: it took well over a year!), joined the thread for neurologically diverse women on MN (in mnetters with SEN). Got my diagnosis in January. It's not radically changed my life but it's made me kinder to myself. It's also meant I'm entitled to more support at work. Especially considering that one of your children is being assessed, I'd say it's quite likely this is why you feel as you do. Come and have a look on the thread here we're a friendly bunch!

Why are people so unkind?

Op and others have tried jobs and found the world comes crashing down and the real world is just too tough for them.

The probability is that many women with ASD, if they can't find their place in the world (and like me if they do they are fortunate or have worked hard or are clever enough to carve out a place in the world that is comfortable for them), will develop serious MH problems or find themselves on a road to destruction.

Anxiety, depression, anorexia, victims of abuse, crime , homelessness ...

OP keep being you and also keep reaching out, not everyone is a twat.