Aibu to think some people just don't cope out in the world?

[woahtherenow]

I have always felt like the world is a confusing and scary place. I have managed 30 odd years of life, went to uni and married and had 6 children.

But I still feel like that. I don't cope in the world.
I have never managed to keep a job, even working for dh I failed and ended up having so much anxiety he pretty much begged me to stay home as I was getting so anxious I was scratching myself raw without even noticing.

I cope well in the day in the house I am happy I get on with things but in the evening I don't know why but I just collapse I have my routine of snuggling under my duvet and reading (I read a lot) or browsing my phone but often I'm fighting off panic attacks etc. I feel totally fine until 6-7 then for some reason it changes. The thought of an evening out fills me with horror.

I overthink things and panic about everything - o wish I could just collapse on the floor and say help meeee!!!

I take flouxitene which has helped a little.

BUT

Aibu to think that actually since I have been like this my whole life maybe some people just don't cope?

I should add that I sound pathetic here but in real life I manage to put on a pretty good front - which is why I'm thinking maybe a lot of other people to too.

I sort of know what you mean. But this feeling you have about not being able to cope with real life is definitely not normal.

I too suffer from anxiety and mild depression. I've always been a naturally anxious person and I wouldn't be surprised if I have ASD. I'm looking at natural ways to help me 'cope' better.

Have you thought of reading a few self help books and practising mindfulness? Yoga and massage? I think the answers you seek are within you already

Did you have six children as away of stopping yourself from doing anything else because you believe it's the safest option?
It's something you can manage and be in control off. Children don't come with a manual but they offer structure and a sense of control to the responsible parent.

Be careful not to catastrophise. It will make you feel worse. You say that you are not 'coping' but when you think about it - you are coping. You have brought up 6 children who are presumably fed, clean and watered. Don't underplay your achievements.

You are anxious and that is not a crime. I have had periods of anxiety and can relate to that feeling of wanting to curl up under a duvet. Over the years I've also come to realise that I'm an introvert and am trying to embrace it.

I really would recommend CBT

I was diagnosed with GAD about three years ago but not offered any treatment except group therapy. Which obviously I didn't go to!

Same here. I wasnt going to tutorials or group therapy.

I'm 24 and have felt like this for a long time- 6 jobs in a year, never feel like I 'fit' and always seemingly crap it up. Turns out I have autism- never picked up because I can mask the social issues well but my brain is so busy processing noises, smells and touch (air con causes havoc!) and pretending to fit in socially that I was not coping with normal adult things!

Simply the 'getting ready in the morning' routine takes much more energy for me (concentration, sensory processing) that I have much less in the tank left to cope with issues other people cope with without evening thinking. I was originally diagnosed with anxiety and thought, like you, I was just a shit adult.

Maybe worth considering whether any senses overly bother you or social interaction leaves you tired? Using lots of energy on this makes things like concentrating (and therefore jobs) hard. It presents differently in women so maybe look into this?

If it makes you feel any better, since diagnosis I have been able to put in place coping techniques and have been in a good job for nearly a year.

I think you are right. Some people become unusually anxious when placed under stress. I think it's probably a combination of being a naturally anxious person coupled with an upbringing and/or life experiences which make it worse.

In nature, the three responses to a threat are "fight, flight or freeze". Most people fight, or flee and establish a "safe zone" in another area of life. Some "freeze" and become so anxious they literally cannot think clearly. I don't think it has anything to do with how many children you have, but I do think it may have something to do with how you perceive yourself - for instance, are you a perfectionist, demanding standards from yourself that you wouldn't dream of expecting others to achieve? Or are you so afraid of making an error that you worry yourself into a frazzle? If you do make a mistake (and we ALL do) do you catastrophize the consequences - "Oh, no - I've run over a pigeon! It was probably caught on camera - the RSPCA will prosecute me and I will go to jail and my family won't be ablate cope and my children will be starving and in rags " etc etc etc (A silly example, I know - I am just trying to show how our thoughts can get out of perspective and because we are so anxious we don't recognise it).

Your husband obviously loves you (he hasn't made your life a misery because you stay at home - some men would). I'm sure your children appreciate you, to - but I'm sure that you are right. That there are other people like yourself - anxious, easily stressed and paralysed by external responsibility. Like you, they camouflage their fears.

But don't beat yourself up about it - it's the way you are, and we are all different in what we can do and cope with.

Contact IAPT.

I'm exactly like this. I was diagnosed with autism at 38.

I cope fine with pottering about at home, doing school runs, minor errands and stuff. I cannot maintain full time 'out in the world' stuff. I can fake it for a while, a month, a few months, once or twice almost a year. But inevitable all the balls come crashing down and I retreat back to safety for a year or two.

I get where you're coming from and I don't think you're abnormal
I like being at home/in bed/reading and can happily pass days alone (alone as it gets- I have 5).
I have always been the same too- considered depression, autism, introvert diagnosis but settled on being me.
Just me, I've found my place in the world and yes like you lots of it I find overwhelming but I've adjusted and we are all happy and Ok.

You have anxiety OP, simple as. The world can be a scary place. I think some responses have been a tad harsh here - considering your OP states some people don't cope out in the world. This is clearly true, sadly.

Although I wouldn't say I have a problem, I do find myself viewing the world as a scarier place as I get older, I get anxious for my dc. As a young thing, I was so confident, so fearless.

You sound like you are functioning, and leading a decent life - Uni, DC, going out etc - but finding things scary. There is more help out there if you want it.

I have severe anxiety which if left untreated would leave me housebound too. Everyday I make a choice not to let it beat me and everyday I win. Sometimes you just have to get out there and do what you have to do.

I think its quite possible that there are people perhaps more predisposed towards being comfortable with a more homey life. If you are an introvert, or have Asperger's for example then going out and socialising can take a lot of mental effort, and leave you feeling exhausted.

However, anxiety and panic attacks are treatable. Please get help, it sounds like you are having an awful time and you could recover with some treatment. You are already coping better than you think you are, as you are still going out and facing those fears, give yourself some credit for that.

I was agoraphobic for 8-9 years. I am not any longer. I used to be on a high dosage of fluoxitine for depression. I am not any longer. Recovery is possible. I am well. I enjoy life and can manage social situations even if I'd rather have time to myself or speak to people one to one.

I still probably live life at a slower pace than other people but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. I'd probably struggle if plonked in a ordinary full time job where I had to interact constantly, because I do find that draining, but I'm happy working from home in my evenings and weekends and looking after DS.

I think I have ASD and that not knowing or understanding that led to a lot of mental distress. Now, although I still find social situations awkward, I can approach them more as a puzzle to be solved rather than something I should criticise myself about. I've trained myself to live more in the moment which reduces the time I spend on feeling bad about the past or worrying about the future. Mindfulness is sometimes used as part of treatment for depression.

I wonder, if like me, one reason that you find being occupied with your children as not overwhelming is that you have to meet them in the moment, it is where they live, especially while young. Their needs and ideas and actions all interrupt your thoughts which when left to spiral unchecked end up causing you anxiety and panic attacks.

WRT Panic attacks. The book I read which explained how they operate was "Understanding Panic Attacks and Overcoming Fear" by Dr Roger Baker. Whatever you do, you need to understand that panic attacks are not your body out of control. It is reacting in a safe way to a threat, the difficulty, why you feel weird is that you haven't seen a Tiger to run from, fight or freeze. It is reacting to a mental threat created by your thoughts.

Graduated exposure is a good treatment for anxiety. As well as CBT so enthusiatically recommended above. :) You've got this.

YANBU op, we are all individuals with different levels of coping. Some people really just don't cope as well as others and it's not always anxiety or depression and it's not always something that can be 'cured'.

Some of what you and other posters have written really resonates with me. I have suspected ASD and incidentally the posters who I can relate to most are the ones who mention they have or suspect they have ASD. It's kind of part of the parcel to be anxious and like you're shit at 'adulting' as an autistic adult women. Obviously I'm not trying to diagnose you over the Internet as I am by no means an expert but you say you have always been like this, maybe this is something you could look into if only just to rule it out?

Some replies have been quite harsh. It's nice to know that there are people out there who think I and others are wasting our lives as a result of something we can't help. But there you go.

I can sometimes feel a bit like this - it varies. At the moment I am harbouring an irrational fear that Dh will die on a up and coming cycling trip in Nepal and that ds will be abducted (following the awful Oxford incident). Both groundless and irrational fears - but unshakeable and intrusive thoughts nonetheless.

I could have written your OP, I'm autistic.
Trips out for any reason are stressful and overloading.
A perfect day for me would be on my own at home. Anything else at the moment is too much.

I was offered CBT in a group, I turned it down because it was in a group, the whole thing would have been far more stressful and counteracted any benefit, plus I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't turn up.

I agree that you have anxiety rather than depression OP and probably need to be on different ADs. I am on Citalopram and they have been really helpful. I am agoraphobic and the need for a "safe place" ie your bed is a very recognisable trait. You need to see your GP - get a double appointment.
If it helps I got in from work tonight and spent 3 hours in bed. I wasn't tired, just super stressed and it felt like a safe place to be. You are not the only one

When l read your post l immediately thought of aspegers. Even down to liking the weight of the duvet to calm you down after a sensory loaded day. Maybe check it out.

YANBU at all, many people don't cope, learn to cope or cope in a different way to the majority.

I'm not sure where the line is for what's 'normal' or 'okay' or whatever.

For you, I suppose it depends on how miserable it makes you. Do you want to be different or are you just very much a family/home person? If the latter then I think that's ok.

I think it also depends on whether you see anxiety as an illness to be treated or a feeling to be dealt with. I have a range of mental illnesses including, apparently, anxiety but I classify it as a feeling, not an illness. Some things make me anxious, yes. But some things make everyone anxious - some people are just a) more successful in dealing with the feelings and b) made anxious by more 'common' things (ie - nobody thinks it's a mental health problem to be anxious about things that the majority of the population get anxious about but those of us who have different or additional concerns get treated as 'abnormal')

If you're happy then I would say you're coping just fine. You don't have to enjoy (or even cope) with living in the same way that most people enjoy living. But if you're not happy then I would go back to your GP and see if you can get additional support.

tbh, if you're successfully raising 6 kids, I think you're coping with life a hell of a lot better than most of us. Just the thought of that gives me anxiety!

Op I do get where you are coming from. With 6 children I think anyone would be overwhelmed but that aside I do think different people have diferent levels of tolerance for the world and stimulation.

I struggled a lot in the past trying to do the things work, social life etc that others just seemed to take in their stride and it nearly killed me. I think realising that I was both introverted and highly sensitive to stimulation and then restructuring my life to make allowances for that fact has helped me a lot to feel better in day to day life and I haven't had a panic attack in years now and take no meds.

I had to forget trying to fit in or keep up with the jones and just learn to do what suited me and my life so that means working from home, culling some friends and only seeing those who I really love, practicing better self care, lots of down time and avoiding too much stimulation.

To many it is boring but its just the way some people are wired and trying to keep up with the extrovert go getters will just wear you out. The thing is people like us tend to just enjoy a simplier life, that doesn't mean unchallenging but its just quieter. Another bonus of being this way is that you probably appreciate more subtle things that others with busier lives miss. Its different strokes for different folks, nothing wrong with either way of living just that go getters get more kudos in our modern society.

I'd recommend reading The Highly Sensitive Person as I found it to be a life changer.

While I agree with everyone who says you need to go back to the GP and get some help with your anxiety, I also agree with those saying you are doing yourself down. Six children to care for, just the thought fills me with anxiety and I mean that most genuinely. I realised very early on that more than two children at once is just too many for me, too noisy, too out of control. I may on the surface look externally successful (career, ok house), I definitely do limit myself too to what I think I can cope with and try not to get overwhelmed. You definitely do have a lot of resources to manage six children, so it's a question of how you can be happier and less anxious in the life you have, as it actually sounds full and interesting if you didn't feel so stressed by it.

I feel like that most of the time, but this is because I have GAD. I know it is not normal to feel like this and that most people do cope out in the world without feeling like this.

Mine has come in waves over the years from barely non-existence to full on agoraphobia in short periods but mostly feels like anxious fear most of the time.

After trying many ADs I'd almost given up but have now started taking buprosimine (think that's what it's called) which has made a huge difference and and am on a waiting list for cbt. Please go and see your gp - things can get better.

Oh sweetie. Your anxiety has allowed you to become agrophobic. Even of you do leave the house occasionally it sounds very routine.

You need some CBT to recognise your emotions and some psychoanalytic therapy to help you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do?

Are you very scared of getting things wrong? Were you criticised a lot/bullied previously in your life? Are you scared of not being in control?

Some anti-anxiety meds to kick start things may help and are nothing to be ashamed of?

I can relate too. Have GAD. Ptsd, previous depression, ocd, and I am starting to suspect mild asd. I find life overwhelming too. But when I have asked others re autism etc they say 'you can't be as you have empthy/make eye contact' etc which is true but am exhausted afterwards. Perhaps I am simply highly sensitive.

I echo the poster that said CBT (hospital level 1.to 1) is life changing. Helped me no end. I thought I would never work, was happy pottering and sahm for 16 years of my 5 DC. However, I now am working in health and training as a professional. I enjoy a lot of it too even the social side. Something I thought would never happen. However it can still be exhausting.

Mindfulness too is helpful and a book called anxiety for dummies is very good at challenging the thought processes if you tend to castrophisise.

I cope fine with pottering about at home, doing school runs, minor errands and stuff. I cannot maintain full time 'out in the world' stuff. I can fake it for a while, a month, a few months, once or twice almost a year. But inevitable all the balls come crashing down and I retreat back to safety for a year or two.

Ladybird this describes perfectly what I am trying to say. I don't feel like I am particularly worried about anything in particular but I just can't cope with things. I keep trying - for example starting a course or a job but after a couple of months it's too much and I then spend as you say a year or two just in a much smaller world.

I don't struggle at home at all - or in places familiar to me such as our local town. I am happy to wander round there saying hello to people I know. But anything more complex and I am just quickly exhausted.

I love my daily life - 4 of my children are in school , one is home educated and we have the baby. I have my to do list etc and get on. But I get really upset when the works intrudes.

My 4th child is currently waiting for an assessment for autism.

That should be when the world intrudes.