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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt my DHs comments tonight.

93 replies

Singalongsydney · 03/10/2016 19:43

Everyone says I'm the luckiest wife, because my husband helps with one of the school runs and also whilst I've been suffering with HG he's let me nap when he comes home from work.

I do all of the making sure the bills are paid, replying to his emails, even pretending to be him over messenger to keep his mother happy as he doesn't reply to her, I do all of the food shopping and meal planning (sometimes I have a meal go out of date by mistake and he goes mad) I keep the house spotless whilst he's at work, I get our 3 children dressed and out of the house for 8am for the school run, if he's ever tired or forgotten lunch I drive 10 miles to take him something to eat or drink, I wash his clothes, I have to google any information he wants 'read quickly' regarding his hobby.

Today, the plan was to meet at home and walk to DC school together to do pick up as it was a nice day, sunny and crisp. However, there was some kind of hold up and he didn't make it, leaving me to push our extremely heavy pram up a hill that I wouldn't of had to do if he'd been there to push it like arranged, if not I'd have driven.

So when we all returned home, after sorting things I asked could I go and have a quick rest as my pelvis was very sore and I felt unwell. This was fine...

Anyway, I came down and I said 'is there anything you'd like me to do' he said oh no, I'll vacuum later. I said really it's fine, I'm better and I like to get things over and done with so I can relax in the evening knowing there is nothing needing doing.

The next minute out of no where he goes mental at me, says 'well perhaps if I was like other dads who went out to the pub I'd have an easier life, other dads don't help, other dads don't rush their Arse off to help with school runs whilst I'm at home' I said ' I wasn't at home, I walked to collect them' to which he replied ' you're always at fucking home'.

Then proceeded to say ' if I stopped smashing up the car he wouldn't have to go and wash it ready to go to the Paint shop tomorrow' I accidentally hit the front plastic bumper 😔

I'm sobbing, I feel he's so bloody nasty sometimes.

OP posts:

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 03/10/2016 22:28

Honestly OP the fact he does one school run and let's you nap does not a good husband or father make. He shouldn't be giving you permission to nap.

I don't think I have seen any posts agreeing with the "everybody" you mention about him being wonderful I think he sounds an utter wanker.

You deserve so much better!

All the things PP have said make good partners I have a cold quite a nasty one and DP even came home to make me lunch and made sure I was ok throughout the day. This is what loving partners do.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2016 22:33

You're the luckiest wife in the world, because he helps with his children.
Wow give him a Knight hood.

PickAChew · 03/10/2016 22:38

Just the fact that you're covering him being a dickhead towards his mother is bad enough, without that awful tirade. Unless he's 13, there's no excuse for it. I repeat - dickhead.

And I know plenty of very ordinary dads who do school runs.

bbcessex · 03/10/2016 22:40

Don't worry too much about it now OP.

Enjoy your children and concentrate on your new baby. But DO NOT FORGET. You are not an equal team in his eyes. Make sure you keep this in mind and build up your independence when you're able. Not that I'm suggesting you need to go it alone with 4 kids, but you do need to regain some ground on your own terms.

And PLEASE stop pretending to be him on messenger... how rubbish for both you AND his mother. ...

PickAChew · 03/10/2016 22:43

a few times a week we'll have 'these ' nights where he says these horrible things.

Well, that's a few times a week too many.

idrinkandiknowthings · 03/10/2016 22:50

You are absolutely NBU!!!!

I have a friend who suffered with HG during her last pregnancy and she could barely move, so what you're doing is superhuman!

Your OH is, to put it politely, a giant twat.

roasted · 03/10/2016 22:51

As much as I think SAHPs should do more around the house than the average MNer seems to, there's something about the way you've described what you do that makes it seem like you're a servant rather than a life partner. I feel really uneasy about your language - I get the distinct impression that you often feel like you have to ask permission? Which isn't right, there are certain decisions that partners should be able to make on each other's behalf without needing to run it past the other. And there are certain decisions that should be discussed and joint, but I just don't get the sense he would take your opinion seriously or be open to that kind of conversation.

Do you have a good support network in real life?

Pollaidh · 03/10/2016 23:13

He's like this a few times a week? I'd expect this a max of 3 times a YEAR and only then when exhausted! And actually he'd never be disrespectful like this.

Sorry but your dh sounds most unpleasant, he's not treating you well at all. I won't go into a list of how my dh would be in this situation (and I've been in a similar physical position), but he'd be doing probably about 90% of everything child and house related, as opposed to the 50% he does normally.

This actually sounds like an abusive situation. This is not what 'normal' men do.

Lorelei76 · 03/10/2016 23:15

Yes, you sound like you are totally ruled by him. I've seen so much of this on MN I doubt there's much that can be said but your kids will be deeply unimpressed with him when they're older so they aren't a reason to stay with him. Kids aren't stupid, they know when a parent is being treated as a doormat. The thing about messaging his mum...why? Did he ask? I am wondering if you decided to martyr yourself with that one?

Pollaidh · 03/10/2016 23:21

And the pain in your hips may be Pelvic Girdle Pain (used to be SPD), which tends to be worse if you have HG as you'll have lost muscle mass. I had both and it's horrible. You shouldn't be pushing heavy pushchairs or shopping trolleys at all. Hoovering and lifting baskets of wet washing also were banned by my doctor and physio. It can progress really quickly so you need to rest, not be his personal slave.

Memoires · 03/10/2016 23:42

YANNNNNNBU. He does severl times a week??????

pandarific · 03/10/2016 23:45

Oh my god OP he sounds awful.

LeopardIsTheNewBlack · 03/10/2016 23:56

Other dad's are down at the pub
Not unless they went there in 1959 and never came back. I think your husband is being very unkind.

GabsAlot · 03/10/2016 23:56

sorry op but agree with others

youre not this man slave-u shouldnt have to jump when he says how high

you dont ask permission to have a nap

you havent answered who says yure so lucky to have him

this is outright abuse-and no love hasnt got anything to do with it

Wdigin2this · 04/10/2016 00:09

Haven't read it all, but two words spring to mind.....get rid!

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 04/10/2016 00:38

Stand up for yourself. Point out that actually he does less than most fathers for the family.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2016 00:43

Is your HG bad enough to need an admission to hospital? A sharp 73 hour absence might be enough for you to get some decent rest and fluids and for him to man the fuck up and start acting like a decent parent and husband

RepentAtLeisure · 04/10/2016 01:15

You should be partners but you're not. He's treating you like a subordinate or assistant, and enjoying the fact that he has (or believes he has) some power over you.

You're heavily pregnant with a fourth child, and he threw a temper tantrum because you needed to lie down. Tell that to everyone who thinks you're 'so lucky' and see if they're still able to hold that opinion. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

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