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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt my DHs comments tonight.

93 replies

Singalongsydney · 03/10/2016 19:43

Everyone says I'm the luckiest wife, because my husband helps with one of the school runs and also whilst I've been suffering with HG he's let me nap when he comes home from work.

I do all of the making sure the bills are paid, replying to his emails, even pretending to be him over messenger to keep his mother happy as he doesn't reply to her, I do all of the food shopping and meal planning (sometimes I have a meal go out of date by mistake and he goes mad) I keep the house spotless whilst he's at work, I get our 3 children dressed and out of the house for 8am for the school run, if he's ever tired or forgotten lunch I drive 10 miles to take him something to eat or drink, I wash his clothes, I have to google any information he wants 'read quickly' regarding his hobby.

Today, the plan was to meet at home and walk to DC school together to do pick up as it was a nice day, sunny and crisp. However, there was some kind of hold up and he didn't make it, leaving me to push our extremely heavy pram up a hill that I wouldn't of had to do if he'd been there to push it like arranged, if not I'd have driven.

So when we all returned home, after sorting things I asked could I go and have a quick rest as my pelvis was very sore and I felt unwell. This was fine...

Anyway, I came down and I said 'is there anything you'd like me to do' he said oh no, I'll vacuum later. I said really it's fine, I'm better and I like to get things over and done with so I can relax in the evening knowing there is nothing needing doing.

The next minute out of no where he goes mental at me, says 'well perhaps if I was like other dads who went out to the pub I'd have an easier life, other dads don't help, other dads don't rush their Arse off to help with school runs whilst I'm at home' I said ' I wasn't at home, I walked to collect them' to which he replied ' you're always at fucking home'.

Then proceeded to say ' if I stopped smashing up the car he wouldn't have to go and wash it ready to go to the Paint shop tomorrow' I accidentally hit the front plastic bumper 😔

I'm sobbing, I feel he's so bloody nasty sometimes.

OP posts:
e1y1 · 03/10/2016 20:54

RUN, RUN AND RUN AGAIN.

Honestly, run for the hills and never look back.

Agree with PP, he's an arse.

MrsOs · 03/10/2016 21:00

Why do you ask him if you can lie down and if he needs you to do stuff.. You are not his servant?

Lalal00p5y · 03/10/2016 21:02

If the comment was unlike him op maybe something happened at work or he is stressed about something? It's likely he didn't even mean what he said if he is tired/stressed?

Marynary · 03/10/2016 21:02

Do people really say that you are the "luckiest" wife just because he does one school run and "lets you nap" when you are heavily pregnant with his child or is it actually just him who tells you that? I would have thought that the majority of men do at least that much and they don't give their wives loads of abuse for it.
He isn't treating you well at all.

BlueFolly · 03/10/2016 21:05

A few times a week is too much.

run for the hills seriously? At 38 weeks and with 3 kids in tow?

Lalal00p5y · 03/10/2016 21:06

Oh sorry! Just seen he is like it a few nights a week 😕

Lorelei76 · 03/10/2016 21:15

Hmm
Who is everyone who thinks you're lucky?
He sounds like a nasty piece of work, you should get rid.

ThatStewie · 03/10/2016 21:16

As a one off, I would suggest stress and exhaustion. But this isn't one incident. This happens multiple times a week. His behaviour isn't normal; nor is it a sign of a good father and husband.

You are pregnant, have 3 kids (one of whom is still a baby), you are ill and in physical pain. And he thinks the school run is helping you? He won't take care of his own children while you work? That's not a man who considers you an equal. It's a man who who hits most of the red flags for a controlling and coercive partner.

Topseyt · 03/10/2016 21:22

I can't believe how much you do for him. Stop.

Don't google stuff for his hobbies. If he wants that done then he can do it himself, the lazy git.

Don't reply to his mum pretending to be him. Let him show her his true colours and shoot himself in the foot.

Why drive 10 miles to take him his lunch and a drink if he has forgotten them? Apart from the effect on you, the cost of fuel would mean that he might just as well go out and buy a ready made sandwich, surely. Again, lazy git.

He thinks that no other dads help their wives with the children because they all bog off to the pub!! Errrm, no. They do not. My DH didn't. He rarely went out when the kids were small. Nor did I. When DH was home in time (initially not that often due to his commute, but he moved jobs at a later date and it improved) he would help with bathing, or feed baby a bottle while I bathed the older ones, read a bedtime story etc. It is called parenting.

Your DH seems to think that the children are yours and doesn't get that they are also his. My DH has admittedly occasionally needed reminding of this, but nowhere near as badly as yours seems to.

Some food went out of date! Wow! Big deal (not).

You don't need to be his slave or his verbal punchbag. It is not OK at all.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 03/10/2016 21:28

"A few times a week" where he is nasty and says horrible things is a few times a week too many.

He sounds awful. Do you think he respects you?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 03/10/2016 21:38

I feel like I should offer my DH out as a reality swap for these men.

My DH cooked dinner every night whilst our kids were little as I had other stuff to do. He works out of the home about 60 hours a week. He still has the ironing, bins, babysitter booking (random), DIY, children's teeth cleaning (even more random), weekend club +++.... blah blah blah, as his responsibility. He goes down the pub about the same amount of times as I do.

I will not pick up after him, put his clothes away or be treated with any less respect than his mother and friends. I am not his emotional punch bag.

Team work and friendship. Your husband doesn't know he's born

MammouthTask · 03/10/2016 21:41

Just your OP makes me uncomfortable OP.
It very much reads as if you are there as his servant, to do all the things he doesn't want to do 'sharpish' (the googling his hobby or sending messengers to his mum is leaving me speechless TBH).

And then yes you are supposed to be extremely grateful for his 'help', aka maybe what 1/2 hour a day if that.

I get that he was probably stressed that he couldn't make it on time. I get that. But snapping at you like this isn't on.
His expectations from you are even more off.

Kitsa · 03/10/2016 21:43

ha ha he really thinks he does so much doesn't he?

What he is doing is the basic bare minimum of being a decent person, partner and parent.

If he thinks that is a lot, then it's probably the high point of the help you will get, in which case I would get out now.

You deserve better OP. Flowers

SometimesItRains · 03/10/2016 21:44

He sounds abusive like PPs have said. But just to add that my DH does two school drop offs a week while I work and he said the other night that he feels like he's missing out because there are so many dads at school dropping off and picking up and he only gets to do it twice out of ten times each week. So no, other dads are not just down the pub, they are parenting their children.

Lorelei76 · 03/10/2016 21:44

I don't see how he is doing a basic minimum.

BeauHeaux · 03/10/2016 21:51

Is this an actual piss take?

MistressDeeCee · 03/10/2016 21:52

He's got you working as a secretary/p.a aren't you bored & tired?! When does your mind get a rest? Sorry Id have put him well in his place I refuse to take shit from bullying men, men are not the be all and end all of my one life

SaggyNaggy is on point

If you're planning to live like that for years on end you'll be an empty tired shell soon enough, and he likely isnt going to be pleasant about it either. He is abusive

I hope you have RL support

KatharinaRosalie · 03/10/2016 22:01

A few times a week! If he really had an extraordinarily bad day and snapped and this has never happened before, and he's very sorry - that's one thing. Spending half your life being abused and having 'some' nice days in between is a totally different matter. He's abusive and those men won't change.

imnotreally · 03/10/2016 22:03

A very persona question but the answer will be telling.

Did you want 4 children? Were they all planned?

Lorelei76 · 03/10/2016 22:08

Speaking of personal questions, I was wondering if he wanted four DC, if he thought it was all going to be pub time, it's rather a puzzle!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/10/2016 22:12

He's a fucking prick who does sod all for you while you constantly have to run around doing every little thing for him. Do you have to wipe his bum as well?

If my DH ever went mad at me for something like out of date food, I wouldn't stand for it. He has shouted at me once. I told him how dare he shout at me. He never did it again. I'm not his child or his property and neither are you OP. He has NO right to speak to you in this way or demand the things he does. My DH doesn't go to the pub or anything like that. Loads of dad's don't. He is talking shit.

I'm a SAHM (ok I can't work due to illness but I'm still home whilst DH works). DH does the dishes every day, he hangs the washing out if it's a weekend, he gets up with DCs every day and does their breakfast and lunch for school, he takes them to their activities if it's a weekend or if he's on the early shift, if he's on the late shift he takes them to school. This is normal dad/husband stuff. Just because I am at home, doesn't mean every tiny thing is my responsibility (and most of it is else it would never get done). You shouldn't have to do every little thing.

Why on earth was he calculating that 3/4 hours of your job was worth 1 hour of his? Who gives a fuck. My income is benefits but DH would never throw that at me. Your DH doesn't want you to work. He wants to keep the little wifey2at home to do his bidding. Remember that. Did you want 4 children?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/10/2016 22:14

Just seen others have had the same thought as me wrt 4 children.

My nan was with an abusive arsehole, my grandad. She had 5 children in quick succession. He basically kept her pregnant to control her. She left him when she was pregnant with her 5th. Best thing she did. He was vile.

pointythings · 03/10/2016 22:18

When I was in the final stages of pregnancy, my DH:

  • Cooked most of the meals
  • Did most of the laundry
  • Carried the shopping
  • Entertained DD1 when I was too knackered to deal with a mad toddler

And was generally a supportive partner because that is what a real man does. Your H is not a real man, he is a useless tosspot.

StealthPolarBear · 03/10/2016 22:23

I would agree with running for the hills. But she has three children, soon to be four and so is effectively trapped.

Original poster
Singalongsydney · 03/10/2016 22:25

When we got married we both decided we wanted 4 DCs, so that's what we had.

When we met he would have never even raised his voice at me, but feels like the more I've become reliant on him the more he resents me.

I do love him so much though, just wish he would think before he says such things.

OP posts: