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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt my DHs comments tonight.

93 replies

Singalongsydney · 03/10/2016 19:43

Everyone says I'm the luckiest wife, because my husband helps with one of the school runs and also whilst I've been suffering with HG he's let me nap when he comes home from work.

I do all of the making sure the bills are paid, replying to his emails, even pretending to be him over messenger to keep his mother happy as he doesn't reply to her, I do all of the food shopping and meal planning (sometimes I have a meal go out of date by mistake and he goes mad) I keep the house spotless whilst he's at work, I get our 3 children dressed and out of the house for 8am for the school run, if he's ever tired or forgotten lunch I drive 10 miles to take him something to eat or drink, I wash his clothes, I have to google any information he wants 'read quickly' regarding his hobby.

Today, the plan was to meet at home and walk to DC school together to do pick up as it was a nice day, sunny and crisp. However, there was some kind of hold up and he didn't make it, leaving me to push our extremely heavy pram up a hill that I wouldn't of had to do if he'd been there to push it like arranged, if not I'd have driven.

So when we all returned home, after sorting things I asked could I go and have a quick rest as my pelvis was very sore and I felt unwell. This was fine...

Anyway, I came down and I said 'is there anything you'd like me to do' he said oh no, I'll vacuum later. I said really it's fine, I'm better and I like to get things over and done with so I can relax in the evening knowing there is nothing needing doing.

The next minute out of no where he goes mental at me, says 'well perhaps if I was like other dads who went out to the pub I'd have an easier life, other dads don't help, other dads don't rush their Arse off to help with school runs whilst I'm at home' I said ' I wasn't at home, I walked to collect them' to which he replied ' you're always at fucking home'.

Then proceeded to say ' if I stopped smashing up the car he wouldn't have to go and wash it ready to go to the Paint shop tomorrow' I accidentally hit the front plastic bumper 😔

I'm sobbing, I feel he's so bloody nasty sometimes.

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 03/10/2016 20:05

Is he grateful for what you do? Doesn't sound like it.

By the way the stuff he's doing round the house is erm normal. He doesn't get extra credit for doing what he should be doing.

And doing the school run and a spot of hoovering doesn't give you free reign to make your pregnant wife cry.

Coulddowithanap · 03/10/2016 20:15

Sounds like a total arse.

I know a lot of dads who help out on the school run when they the chance to.

Original poster
Singalongsydney · 03/10/2016 20:16

Just upsets me as he always tells me he does so much for me and then makes me feel so resented for it,

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 03/10/2016 20:17

What he does isn't "for you" it's for his children. And it's only what he should be doing.

HobnailsandTaffeta · 03/10/2016 20:19

"Is there anything you'd like me to do"

That's not right, you need chance to step out and see all of this is wrong. I feel quite worried for you OP. He is controlling you like a slave, and the "nice" actions he does aren't even done without consequences or a view to controlling you more.

Do you have family/friends you could talk to and get an outside perspective? Can you leave?

DetailedConfusion · 03/10/2016 20:20

I don't necessarily think that telling the heavily pregnant op to LTB after (as far as we know) ONE arguement is very helpful Hmm

Only you know what he's usually like op...if he's abusive or not generally.

From your pov: You're a SAHM and do all that that entails, keeping everything going. You're pregnant, sick and tired. He arranged to help you with the school run and then didn't bloody turn up. Then you said you'd hoover and he goes off on one and shouts and upsets you.

From his pov: He's just put in a full day at the office. He rushes his afternoon work to be able to get home for school pick up then something comes up and he literally can't leave. He's rushed his guts out for nothing and still missed it so is feeling tired, guilty and pissed off. He gets home ASAP, she goes for a nap while he takes over, then she wakes up and starts on about the hoovering. He hasn't stopped all day either and he snaps.

Based on what you've written, I see two tired, stressed and pissed off people who are both having a rough time tbh. I don't particularly see any red flags of abuse or think he's the biggest arsehole ever.

FarAwayHills · 03/10/2016 20:20

You drive 10 miles to give him his lunch. You google stuff on demand for his hobby.

You are his wife not his PA.

MaddyHatter · 03/10/2016 20:21

He's being a twat.

You're 38wks pregnant for fucks sake Angry

My H works full time 7 -5, i don't work because our eldest is disabled, and i also have problems with my back/hips right now which means i'm in a ridiculous amount of pain most days... i muddle through the school runs and get at least 1 job done a day, be it laundry, changing our bed, changing the kids...etc

H come in from work, has his shower then will help me with my chores. He fetches in the washing, he carries the laundry basket upstairs and helps me put it away, he helps me with dinner, sometimes he cooks, sometimes i do. He hoovers, takes the bins out...etc.

He does moan a bit when he's had a long day, but its not about me 'taking advantage' as he knows i need his help right now.

BTW.. we certainly don't ASK each other if we can take a nap, we TELL the other one we're going for a lie down... i dont need his permission to rest!

It sounds to me like he's calling all the shots and you're doing everything when/how he likes it.

Stop it... and tell him to wind his bloody neck in.

DetailedConfusion · 03/10/2016 20:23

Is there anything you'd like me to do

That's not right, you need chance to step out and see all of this is wrong. I feel quite worried for you OP. He is controlling you like a slave

Oh come on now, really? IF the sexes were reversed and the dh asked the wife 'is there anything you'd like me to do', posters would be saying he's fucking useless and it's not up to the dw to give him a list and it's his fucking house and responsibility as well so why doesn't he already know and just crack the hell on.

Lemonlady22 · 03/10/2016 20:24

stop having children with him!

DetailedConfusion · 03/10/2016 20:24

OP that's not meant as a go at you at ALL, I just find the double standards irritating.

Asking what you can do is NOT a sign you're being abused and controlled ffs.

Original poster
Singalongsydney · 03/10/2016 20:25

I'm by no means implying that he's abusive. But sometimes he's just really sharp and I feel he can be a bit nasty.

Some days we get on great, but a few times a week we'll have 'these ' nights where he says these horrible things.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/10/2016 20:26

He sounds like an utter twat. Why on earth should you be grateful because he is spending time with his kids? What is he like if you stand up to him?

FarAwayHills · 03/10/2016 20:27

Everyone says I'm the luckiest wife, because my husband helps with one of the school runs and also whilst I've been suffering with HG he's let me nap when he comes home from work.

Your DH helping with one of the school runs and allowing his sick pregnant wife to have the odd nap doesn't make him a or some sort of hero. This is just normal stuff that couples do to help each other out raising children together.

Cathaka15 · 03/10/2016 20:28

My Dh does the school runs hoovers the house cooks cleans. Baths baby and helps out with anything I need.
He's the dc dad he's not doing you a favour it's part of what you do for your dc being a parent.
Tell him it's bloody disgusting that he has to shove one school run in your face and next time not to talk to you that way. you're not his child and you do so much around the house that he should be thankful for.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 20:28

Had you not said about the weekend job, I would have thought stressed out and having a (hopefully one off) meltdown. No one has the right to make you feel this way. He is choosing to have more children with you. What do you want in life?

FarAwayHills · 03/10/2016 20:28

*a saint

HobnailsandTaffeta · 03/10/2016 20:29

Sorry detailed did you miss the bit where he goes mad at her for allowing a meal to go out of date? Where she is expected to drive 10miles to provide him a drink/food? Where he apologises in a manner that still makes it her fault and points out that she owes him her gratitude?

And more tellingly that when she tried to gain some independence by working he blocks her by refusing to help with childcare and when that failed made the decision that she didn't earn enough and she will stop working.

Only none of those things screams tired one off argument to me.

And actually having known the grind of just ONE argument, just ONE mistake, just ONE half apology believing in the tired single argument thing and not taking time to step back and see the whole is very dangerous ground.

She may step back and see it's all fine and they just need time and sleep to sort it. But she needs that space to check before she's dragged down by 4 DC and no time to think or act.

kensausage13 · 03/10/2016 20:29

OP why are you asking his permission to do things? Why are you asking him if 'there is anything he'd like you to do?' you are married couple, not an employer/employee!!!
God it makes me so cross when i hear stuff like this. One parent saying 'i help with the childcare'. They are BOTH of your children, not just yours. Its called parenting not childcare.

Sorry...not very helpful i know but Flowers for you OP. I'm sorry to say it but yoir husband sounds like a prize prick!

FTFOAFOSM · 03/10/2016 20:32

I'm technically a SAHM - 2 dcs, work part-time, study part-time. DH works FT but from home. He cooks, I wash up. I do all the washing, he puts it away. He does most of the shopping, but I do it sometimes as well. We take school runs, nappy changes, etc. in turn or do school runs together. Nappy changes we obviously DON'T do together, but we do sometimes double team a getting dressed/undressed/bath etc, because the dc's have Autism, so it can sometimes be easier to do it together. We work AS A TEAM.
Everybody has to find their own way of working together, but with my ex, it was something similar to what you've described - me asking him whether there was anything I could do 'for' him, and basically him acting like a martyr whenever he lifted a finger. It becomes confrontational, resentful and can turn pretty nasty - I did all the housework and just left him to keep 'his' gaming room free - while the house wasn't spotless, the day after he moved out I cleared out something like 9 bags of rubbish from the floor.
The point I'm trying to make (and probably not very well) is that you need to think very carefully about how you want to be treated, and that if you want things to change, whether he'll be willing to listen and make those changes, or are you basically looking at a fundamentally misogynistic twat who will never change their perspective.My XP was the latter, which was one of the many many reasons why we had to split up. IF I ever have a problem with DH, he listens, we discuss, and he will either pull me up and correct me, or admit he's wrong, apologise, and sort it out. (Although I am talking little things, like not leaving coffee pods on the side!)
It's very difficult for mners to truly judge the situation when we don't know you, him, or the history, and everyone's rather quick to say LTB, HOWEVER, as you've described it, what he's saying, and the way he's saying it, is neither respectful, polite or an effective way to deal with whatever issues he may have lying underneath the surface of his sniping.
Hope you manage to get the best outcome for you.

Babblehag · 03/10/2016 20:33

I'm sorry hes upset you op, but you need to know that his behavior towards you is not nice, you aren't lucky. Most men contribute to school runs etc, most men also help with housework, childcare, cooking and bills, most men also talk to there own mother on messenger too.

I hope you get some support on here, your really not being unreasonable. if I were in your shoes I would be ltb tonight, and going to my parents or friends and sorting my life out with out him, regardless of how poorly and pregnant I am because lets face it, even with kids etc I'd be getting a break.

I'm sorry your going through this.

CommaStop · 03/10/2016 20:33

At a minimum stop pretending to be him to his mother, googling his hobbies for him and driving his lunch to work. This is all frankly ridiculous. It sounds like he's a total dick but as a pp has said maybe you are both just very frazzled at the moment with 3 kids and a pregnancy and he's ordinarily less of a dingbat. Anyways I'd be sitting him down for a chat about how you've both made the decision to have four kids and him picking up some share of that work is not helping out - it's his share of being a parent to a number of children. If he has issues with that then I don't know - LTB probably isn't helpful when heavily pregnant with your fourth child but I'd not be having it.

liquidrevolution · 03/10/2016 20:38

He is an abusive arse.

I have no idea what planet he is on but in the real world great husbands and fathers are not like that.

SittingAround1 · 03/10/2016 20:40

He sounds like a bully esp. if he makes you feel so negative. Can you speak to him calmly about how the things he says come across as being nasty?
His children are his responsibility as much as yours so he's not 'helping' you but doing what he should be doing as a father.
I'd stop driving his lunch for him to work and pretending to be him to his mother. Does he thank you for doing these? I think you need to demand a bit more respect.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/10/2016 20:40

"Some days we get on great, but a few times a week we'll have 'these ' nights where he says these horrible things."

This is really fucked up, OP. That's not how a relationship should work. He shouldn't be verbally abusing you half he week.

The whole dynamic is messed up, he's treating you like crap.