Reasonable compromise?

[Hedgehog80]

Ok long story short (ish)....big issues with family, always has been so limited contact. Works well but.....

DF (elderly and not well at all) is visiting soon. He knows nothing of the major issues recently and I don't want him to because I don't know how long he has left and I want that time to be as nice as it can be with no complications and/or arguments
Anyway, big family occasion has been planned. I'll go with dcs as he wants to see everyone but this includes dh

Dh will NOT go. This is becaus he DETESTS dsis as something came to light recently which changed him from disliking yet tolerating her very occasionally to him detesting her and refusing to be in same room as her.

DM has been questioning why he won't attend and I told her straight. Dh won't be coming but I will with dcs. That's the compromise and I think it's reasonable

Apparently it's not ? She seems to think dh should put aside his issues for the day. He can't and I respect that but nobody else seems to? Tbh I feel that I'm making a massive effort being in the same room so why should dh as well if he doesn't want to?

As long as you can live with the decision, that's fine. You do not owe it to your parents to have a good relationship with a sibling, who treats your children, you and your dh so appalling.

In my mother's eyes, my brother can do no wrong and I can do no right. My brother was considered the injured party even though dd was hurt and we withdrew to protect our child when he and his wife wouldn't keep their dog away from dd after it bit her on the face. My dd at 7 said such hurtful things to my brother (totally age appropriate teasing). I could go on..... it's pathetic.

You will never win when your sibling is golden child. It is best to quietly withdraw from the drama.

Are you able to adequately supervise all of the children on your own? Just thinking that you really wouldn't want your sister to have unsupervised access to them. Am I right in thinking that your children have disabilities and medical conditions which require quite intense management? It sounds tricky for you to manage.

I think Inertia may have a point. Do you have a 'battle plan' to keep an eye on all of the children and what will you do if your DM abets your Dsis in getting near the children?

People who turn a blind eye to abusers often place their victims in the abusers vicinity as a way of proving to themselves and others that the abuser is 'harmless'; "See Hedgehog, your Dsis was around the DC and she didn't say anything 'wrong'. I told you you were blowing this out of proportion".