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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reasonable compromise?

78 replies

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 13:20

Ok long story short (ish)....big issues with family, always has been so limited contact. Works well but.....

DF (elderly and not well at all) is visiting soon. He knows nothing of the major issues recently and I don't want him to because I don't know how long he has left and I want that time to be as nice as it can be with no complications and/or arguments
Anyway, big family occasion has been planned. I'll go with dcs as he wants to see everyone but this includes dh

Dh will NOT go. This is becaus he DETESTS dsis as something came to light recently which changed him from disliking yet tolerating her very occasionally to him detesting her and refusing to be in same room as her.

DM has been questioning why he won't attend and I told her straight. Dh won't be coming but I will with dcs. That's the compromise and I think it's reasonable

Apparently it's not ? She seems to think dh should put aside his issues for the day. He can't and I respect that but nobody else seems to? Tbh I feel that I'm making a massive effort being in the same room so why should dh as well if he doesn't want to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:01

Even my 14 y o dd gasped when she heard ds1 say it and looked shocked. She knows better at her age :(

OP posts:
DetailedConfusion · 03/10/2016 14:01

I can think of a scenario where you dh would be completely U and overreacting. And I can think of another where your dsis should not be allowed anywhere near dc and you should be going to the police.

And there are a thousand scenarios inbetween. Impossible to say op.

FeralBeryl · 03/10/2016 14:03

Oh Sad I was hoping we could chalk it up to teenaged immaturity but nope, she's fucked up massively there.
Has she given any explanation? Shown any remorse or understanding about why it's so wrong? That would influence my decision

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 14:03

Detailed. You've verbalised what I've been thinking.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 14:04

Does she understand how shit she was?

cozietoesie · 03/10/2016 14:06

I'd go as a family, toast your DH's father quickly and then leave. Look on it as a duty visit.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:06

She said ds must have misheard but he didn't, he wouldn't lie and I know he would not have heard these things anywhere else

The thing is she's done similar before and been slightly inappropriate and we knew about that and stopped contact yet this obviously happened at the same time and has only surfaced now

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:07

Sorry it's my DF I may not have made that clear

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:07

And my dsis

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cozietoesie · 03/10/2016 14:13

No - I probably just misunderstood. Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 03/10/2016 14:17

So basically she changed "Little Sissy asked Bobby to hand her a piece of birthday cake" into something along the lines of "Little Sissy asked Bobby to "? And it's not the first time she's done that?

Isn't that called 'grooming'? One of the steps is 'normalizing' pornography and sexual behaviour by downplaying it or making it 'silly' to the victim.

I don't think your DH is out of line. If you want to attend the party, fine. I understand not wanting to upset elderly parents. BUT, I wouldn't allow my children to be alone with your Dsis again.

FeralBeryl · 03/10/2016 14:17

But what has she said when questioned afterwards Hedgehog?
Does she actually know it's wrong? Has she had a history of inappropriateness before?

manicinsomniac · 03/10/2016 14:22

It sounds very inappropriate and I'd be fuming but I can't see how it's 'never speak to again, would go into a screaming rage just by seeing her' level. It seems more like a scenario where I'd express disgust and tell her she wasn't babysitting again then cutting adult contact.

I can see why, if you don't get on anyway, it seems worse but I would have thought your husband could suck it up for the sake of the rest of the family. After all, it's your children who were exposed to the inappropriate behaviour. If you're still deeming it safe and reasonable for them to be there then I think your husband should go too. He can help keep them away from your sister's influence.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:23

Previously the issues surrounding inappropriate things was attempting to play cards against humanity with dcs-swiftly stopped and I have her apples to apples instead which she then said she didn't want to play with them Hmm and the writing of some silly stories with dcs involving laughing at disabilities (the dcs have disabilities wtf?) and arson and drug taking. That was enough for us to stop contact. Unbeknown to us worse things had obviously been said now that that's come out dh is absolutely furious and so am I

It's just this occasion with df - usually I it was anyone else I'd tell them too what happened but he's so unwell and wants to see everyone and for it to be nice. I want to protect him from all this :(

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Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:25

She said ds1 misheard. She's lying as I know was preceded it in terms of inappropriateness and it's her all over

I thought I'd stopped contact just in time but obviously not

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Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 14:25

Was she drunk or high when she said things like this in front of the kids?

DetailedConfusion · 03/10/2016 14:25

If you're worried about being outed, I think this post is already identifying enough op.

Seriously, there's no way we can say who is bu without knowing what the secret phrase was.

Whether she was making the story about spanking bare bums or about anal fisting and felatio is massively relevant.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 14:27

Just read your post. Yuk. She sounds very immature. Horrible.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:28

Yes I suppose you're right

She changed a topsy and Tom story to something about Tim fingering an old man. It's disgusting

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FeralBeryl · 03/10/2016 14:31

What a dickhead!
What is your DM's view on it all (apart from don't tell DH)?

CoolCarrie · 03/10/2016 14:31

Go with your dc, leave dh at home, and tell your dm before hand that your dh wont be there and that is the end of it, you don't have to say anymore to her, shut down the conversation with dm straight away. You and dh are adults and your dh is quite right to stick to his guns about this. You and dc are going for your df sake, not your dm or sister.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:31

What really really angers me apart from the obvious is how nonplussed DM is. There's no excusing it and I believe ds1 and if it wasn't for this family occasion there wouldn't be an issue but I can't see how to make it work so DF has a nice time seeing everyone for what may be the last time we just don't know and trying to keep constant supervision although dh has put forward keeping the two younger dcs with him so it's much easier for me to supervise

Other option is tell DF and he will be upset, terribly upset at what one of his children has said

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MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 03/10/2016 14:35

If she was inappropriate with the children to the point of filling your husband with rage then surely you should not be taking the children anywhere she will be.

If it's OK for the children to be in her presence then your husband should be mature enough to deal with it.

FeralBeryl · 03/10/2016 14:35

I think you need to speak to your mum alone before anything.
She needs to be aware that if her DGC start repeating things that her daughter has said in school, it may well (rightly) trigger a whole chain of events that will massively affect their well being.
She's minimising this-I'd tell her the whole sordid content too rather than just 'she's made a story smutty'

You and DH need to stay united here.
Your sister is the one who shouldn't be going.

DetailedConfusion · 03/10/2016 14:39

I can't see what good telling your df would do if he'd elderly and ill as it would only upset him and there's nothing he can actually do. I would keep it from him.

I can see both yours and dh's sides and I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

Overall though, if your dh detests her to the point that he can't be civil (which I don't blame him for) then it's better if he stays away.

I think, in your shoes, I would take the dc and tell your dh that you'll not let them out of your sight and certainly not be alone with your dsis, to reassure him.

Then I would tell both your dsis and your mum (in separate conversations) that you're bringing the dc for your dads sake but that dsis is to be civil and polite to the dc and no more. She's not to engage with them for any length of time etc...and if that if she doesn't stick to this, you will not only leave with your dc but tell your dad and the rest of the family why. Initially though, tell your dad that dh is working and he's very sorry.