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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reasonable compromise?

78 replies

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 13:20

Ok long story short (ish)....big issues with family, always has been so limited contact. Works well but.....

DF (elderly and not well at all) is visiting soon. He knows nothing of the major issues recently and I don't want him to because I don't know how long he has left and I want that time to be as nice as it can be with no complications and/or arguments
Anyway, big family occasion has been planned. I'll go with dcs as he wants to see everyone but this includes dh

Dh will NOT go. This is becaus he DETESTS dsis as something came to light recently which changed him from disliking yet tolerating her very occasionally to him detesting her and refusing to be in same room as her.

DM has been questioning why he won't attend and I told her straight. Dh won't be coming but I will with dcs. That's the compromise and I think it's reasonable

Apparently it's not ? She seems to think dh should put aside his issues for the day. He can't and I respect that but nobody else seems to? Tbh I feel that I'm making a massive effort being in the same room so why should dh as well if he doesn't want to?

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 03/10/2016 14:40

Has she always been like this ?

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:41

I think as long as she has no opportunity to speak to dcs alone and I'm there supervising then I can bring myself to go

Dh just can't be near her. He said she makes him physically sick and he cannot be in the same room as her. He's angry with himself that he somehow didnt see this coming but nobody did. It's now about stopping/minimising contact and damage control which I think we've achieved by careful conversation with ds1 about the content not being appropriate etc

I should t have to do this though. What sort of person does that to an innocent child's mind? And why is dm not angry like us ?
So many questions. Anyway, I'll speak to dh but I think he's right. I've been thinking maybe we should just fake some illness on the day and invite DF just to see us alone a different day but dh understandably doesn't want this swept under the carpet

I'm trying to find a difficult balance between dcs welfare/dh feelings/DF

OP posts:

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:42

Yes she's very 'rude' but I had no idea till recently how wrong her boundaries were

OP posts:

CoolCarrie · 03/10/2016 14:42

Don't tell your dad! Leave him in ignorance of it.

FeralBeryl · 03/10/2016 14:43

She's not rude, she's disturbed!
Does she maintain relationships with friend? Partners?

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:53

Yes I'd rather not upset df

OP posts:

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 14:54

Interestingly her friends seem to all be much younger although I'm hoping not on the same level as her but there seems to be an immature theme in most areas of her life

OP posts:

woowoowoo · 03/10/2016 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 15:06

She was ill for majority of teenage years . Dm uses this as the go to excuse for any behaviour that is inappropriate or wrong. Personally I think it's a load of rubbish and that she does know what she's done wrong

OP posts:

woowoowoo · 03/10/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 15:51

It sounds as if she may have missed a developmental stage and is emotionally stuck in preteen/early teen. I'm not trying to excuse but understand her behaviour.

unicornthong · 03/10/2016 16:23

Was it the Harry Potter wand/willy thing?

unicornthong · 03/10/2016 16:27

Oh wow, I opened this an hour ago to read it, I posted my comment and then discovered that 30+ comments had been posted since I read the thread!

What she said is disgusting.

TodaysNameChange · 03/10/2016 16:47

What really really angers me apart from the obvious is how nonplussed DM is.

I'm in a similar boat to your DH ... I was the victim of what hindsight has shown to be over 18 years of narcissistic controlling behaviour from my MiL (who dished out the same treatment to my wife). It finally came to a head when she forced her way into our house, and verbally and physically assaulted me and DW (in front of our terrified teenage DS).

Obviously NC now.

However when my wife told her sister about it, she was told to "deal with it". As a result DW and her sister have also been NC.

Now DSiL can think what she thinks - but I would not share the same air as her - or her lickspittle husband - as she also cut our DS out of their lives. He's a child FGS. That I shall never forgive, so I can completely understand the depth and strength of your DHs decision.

Twinchaos1 · 03/10/2016 16:53

I'm not that surprised your DH doesn't want to be in the same room as her. Is she stuck in a very immature teenage phase? Could you arrive later or earlier than sis so DH can say hi and bye without seeing her? Sounds like you are doing a good job of managing a difficult situation.

RortyCrankle · 03/10/2016 17:43

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, your sister sounds unhinged to talk in that way to a child.

Of course how your DH feels is understandable but would you not want him to be with you as a second line of protection for your DC in case she tries to do it again? Also it may be nice for him to be there to support you?

RichardBucket · 03/10/2016 17:49

I can't stand these ridiculous family politics. This wouldn't even be a conundrum for me - I'd go to make my dad happy, ignoring my sister, and wouldn't even think about guilting my husband into going (like your mum's trying to do.)

Carry on as you are and stop second-guessing yourself.

ParForTheCourses · 03/10/2016 19:32

I may be confusing you with another poster op but before you went close to nc you used to post about your sister a lot didn't you? I think she was very very toxic and your parents treated her like the golden child.

Even with just this back story here she sounds pretty grim.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 19:45

Yes I have posted a lot previously

I honestly thought the severely limited/virtually nc was best option and didn't realise what had already been done. Can't believe it's taken months to come out

OP posts:

FeralBeryl · 03/10/2016 20:54

I've not read previous threads Hedge so I'm sorry if I'm asking stuff you've already covered.
Does your mum have a really close friend? She is so insular when it comes to your sister. Just wonder if it would be worth getting her to discuss the exact content of the situation with them to see their reaction? They'd be rightly horrified and she may realise it isn't just you bring 'over sensitive'
If that makes sense...

Threebedsemii · 03/10/2016 20:58

Well it's not really a compromise, it's just DH refusing to go?

blueturtle6 · 03/10/2016 21:13

Your DH is not being unreasonable I wouldn't want to be in same room as her. Your DM should be banning DSis.
Personally I'd be speaking with ss, she shouldn't be around any children ever.

ParForTheCourses · 03/10/2016 22:21

At least you've been able to put a stop to it now. You cant help giving people you love the benefit of the doubt, especially when others push you too. She just sounds too toxic so it's good you are all away from it.

You just need to cut your mum and dad off if they try to get you to sweep it all under the table. Your parents definitely have their own toxicity though, trying to have things their way and refusing to see your sister for who she is and blaming you and your dh for sating enough is enough.

ParForTheCourses · 03/10/2016 22:22

No nc necessary I mean but fim boundaries and refusals.

Original poster

Hedgehog80 · 03/10/2016 22:23

Dm wasn't overly happy I told dh and db ....she does have a couple of friends but I don't think she will ever change her view of dsis

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