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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel smug?

89 replies

LouBlue1507 · 02/10/2016 16:48

Like most men, my DP thinks that being a SAHM is pretty easy, and whenever I say I'm tired he doesn't seem to understand why! (He is a lovely guy though and a great dad and partner I have to add).

But today, I decided to have a lovely long bath (1.5 hours) and let DP look after our DD (9 weeks old).

I have just got out of the bath and sat on our bed, wrapped in my towel and DP brings in DD and puts her on the bed next to me before attempting to leave! I'm not even dressed yet!

Me: Not so easy is it?
Him: Hell no! She's been hard work!

AIBU to feel massively slightly smug now he knows that being a SAHM isn't so easy?

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/10/2016 17:36

My XH looked after three under fives when I was in hospital having number four. When I came out he was on his knees and said that 'now he understood how hard looking after small children was'.

Less than three months later he was lambasting me for being lazy and doing nothing all day etc etc etc. I called him a hypocrite.

We are no longer together.

expatinscotland · 02/10/2016 17:57

I wouldn't ever feel smug about having made myself incredibly financially vulnerable (except if you are independently wealthy) by jacking in work to become dependent on a person I wasn't married to. Very poor decision and so many women here have wound up in a real pickle due to stopping work to look after kids with a 'DP' rather than a DH.

LouBlue1507 · 02/10/2016 18:02

This reply has been deleted

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Daydream007 · 02/10/2016 18:05

Why on earth would you feel smug? An hour and a half looking after a baby isn't exactly hard work for him. He's pulling you leg!

expatinscotland · 02/10/2016 18:06

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MsHoneyBee · 02/10/2016 18:08

The amount of vitorol on here is incredible. OP, hope you really enjoyed your bath, dp sounds like a lovely guy. And yes, you are allowed to feel whatever you like, including smug!

NerrSnerr · 02/10/2016 18:08

I'm sorry OP but I don't get why you're feeling smug. I don't think 'most men' think SAHMs have it easy. I get the thread is supposed to be lighthearted but I'd be annoyed if my husband struggled to care for our child.

BroomHandledMouser · 02/10/2016 18:10

You can feel smug op, ignore the shitty goady posts.

Hope you had a lovely bath and are enjoying his cooking

TemporarilyLost · 02/10/2016 18:11

He needs to start doing more time with her for all your sakes. I'm glad he had a wake up to the realities of caring for a baby and you had some peace and hot water but it's time he starts upping the solo care of you child.

Janey50 · 02/10/2016 18:12

Feeling smug? Sorry OP but I would be seriously pissed off and annoyed. Looking after his OWN baby for 90 minutes is hard work? He's got a lot to learn.

WhatamessIgotinto · 02/10/2016 18:13

Bloody hell, did no one else twig that this was a lighthearted thread? Jeez oh.

AGruffaloCrumble · 02/10/2016 18:13

Jesus, expat how unnecessary!

AdaLovelacesCat · 02/10/2016 18:13

" he's a very hands on dad "

well obviously he is not....

Helpisathand13 · 02/10/2016 18:15

Smug-aroo I'm with you OP! Nice to take time for yourself and have a lovely leisurely bath. Just beware next time you think of a nice lighthearted post hoping for a bit of fun chat on MN. Where do these ppl come from? Is it a village of vitriolics? happy fun smiley face not looking for a row just a chit chat

BreatheDeep · 02/10/2016 18:23

Expatinscotland The baby is 9 weeks old! Pretty sure OP is on maternity leave if she was working. She hasn't 'jacked' it in.

It's nice when they realise first hand just how hard work it is looking after a baby so I say feel as smug as you like!

TheSconeOfStone · 02/10/2016 18:53

Maybe vindicated is a more accurate description rather than smug. You've barely started down the SAHP route yet. In fact the vast majority of working mums would be at home with a 9 week old. Hopefully you DP learns to appreciate what you are doing as the baby gets older and becomes harder work.

PacificDogwod · 02/10/2016 18:58

There is an interesting conversation to be had about how when men look after their children they are so often seen as doing 'an amazing job', when women do the same thing, well, it is just what they do. Because women are simple 'better at it', it's 'natural' to them, they have a 'mother instinct'.
Well, if they do, I wish to know where I can complain, because it passed me by. I found it hard, boring, stressful (often all 3 at the same time), at times very unrewarding, repetitive etc etc - it did get better the older my kids got.

OP, of course you can feel smug.

Beware of the pitfalls of just accepting that mothering your joint child is predominantly your 'job' - with no pay or security longterm. The power balance in your relationship shift when you have a child and yes, you are more protected in the eyes of the law if you are married.

I read a lot of the sharp responses actually as anger at how ingrained our acceptance is that if the father 'helps out' he's a good'un

Marmalade85 · 02/10/2016 19:01

YABU to feel smug.

DetailedConfusion · 02/10/2016 19:04

Has he not looked after her for that long before? 90 minutes?

WomanActually · 02/10/2016 19:05

I know you meant it in be light hearted way OP, but many women have lived with men who really can't manage their own children, who really do see it as the woman's job and that it's an easy job too, and when jokes are made or when we say most men think ...... Etc it normalises the men who do act like knobs.

Your OP didn't read in a jokey way and from your it's not unreasonable to think it's the first time in nine weeks he's been alone with her, and as he brought her to you before you'd finished and had returned downstairs, it does come across as he thinks it's your job to deal with her, if he was joking and took her back down while you finished that's one thing, but reading your OP it does sound like he left her with you deal with, if he thinks it's ok to cut your alone time short because he can't deal with his own child, then I can see why psp don't think it's funny.

It shouldn't take him looking after his own baby for an hour at nine weeks or so to realise how hard it can be, he should know because he's been on his own a bit with her already, I do understand it can feel good that he gets it, and if it's not the first time you've been able to have a bath in peace but the first time that baby has been difficult then he needs to learn how to cope in the same way you do when you're looking after her.

I don't think most men think looking after a baby is easy or that being a sahm is easy, more men would be doing it if they really thought that. I know one or two men who take the babies to their dp the minute they cry because they genuinely think it's woman's work.

If that's not your dp then you don't need to worry

Ausernotanumber · 02/10/2016 19:08

He's clearly not that hands on a dad. I wouldn't be smug. I'd be planning on changing things.

Canyouforgiveher · 02/10/2016 19:16

Like most men, my DP thinks that being a SAHM is pretty easy

Are you kidding? My dh used to look at me in awe when I was on maternity leave and say "thank god you are prepared to do it"

WaitrosePigeon · 02/10/2016 19:18

What the fuck people! Poor OP.

MammasBrandNewBag · 02/10/2016 19:32

Wow OP, sorry your thread has gone this way. Go ahead and feel smug that he has figured it out. And congratulations to you both on your DD

BitchPeas · 02/10/2016 19:32

What was on his laptop that was so urgent he couldn't spend 90 minutes concentrating on his 9 week old baby?

And putting the baby on the bed before you were even dressed was so incredibly childish. He thinks his wants (laptop) are more important than your basic needs (getting dressed). I'd feel throughly
Fucking depressed, not smug.

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