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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think you don't text people when you'd expect them to be asleep?

312 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 29/09/2016 06:28

I have terrible insomnia and have been awake since 3am Sad. I was actually just drifting back to sleep at 5am when I received a text from a friend!! So that's me woken up for the day. I can't think why you would do that?

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 30/09/2016 12:43

DoinIt saying a pineapple is like a rare steak doesn't make it true - sending a text is absolutely nothing like disturbing someone at their dad's funeral to monologue about your job. The two things are not alike, so the point you are trying to make is presumably equally nonsense.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 30/09/2016 14:32

So what does everyone think of email and facebook messages then? Because they will alert you too. Someone got really cross with me sending a facebook message late at night (around midnight) but I thought it was like email - you can send it any time. Ditto texts. That's the beauty of it.

In the early days of everyone having mobile phones it was normal and accepted that this was the way - when/why did it change? It seems ridiculous to have invented the technology to send messages any time to be picked up by the receiver at any opportunity, only to have people behave in such a way as to make that convenience obsolete.

Plus once again it's prioritising the 9-5ers. if you work late/nights and get a text in the evening that you need to reply to before you wake up the following day, are you supposed to force yourself to stay awake until 9am to text? Are you allowed to get angry with people for texting and waking you during the morning? Can I shoot the postman for knocking on my door/my neighbours for having a loud chat on the step before the school run? (please? Grin)

ps. To any posters with a basic phone like myself - check that the alarm works when on silent before you rely on it! Weirdly, mine just flashes alarm when on silent, yet if switched off will turn itself on and sound the alarm.

NattyTile · 30/09/2016 16:17

Someone asked who would text me in an emergency. The answer is a number of friends with very sick children - can't phone from hospital as it disturbs the rest of the ward so I get a text asking for prayer. I never mind that kind of text (and yes, sadly, I do have a number of friends for whom that is the norm). I do mind the "omg omg so wasted!!!!!" type although I'll give them a pass for possibly not having the clearest heads. And I definitely object to the group texts which I can't remove myself from and which end up being responded to in a chain for hours.

daisypond · 30/09/2016 16:40

If you only have a basic phone, like I do - it's ancient - it doesn't have internet, so no email or Facebook either to send alerts. I'm not on Facebook anyway, so I wouldn't care.

WardrobeMalfunction · 30/09/2016 17:55

YANBU. I think it's rather rude to text someone just because something has popped into your head. Social media and email notifications are easy to mute. Texts and phonecalls are more personal and accessible and it's an abuse of a private means of communication to just message at any time. I frequently take days to share information with people because I remember to text them but feel it's too late to do so.

In return, the only texts I get after 10 are from my boss who know no boundaries. When he texts me after hours, he gets a snotty response.

LEIGH350 · 30/09/2016 18:13

Similarly, I got told off for sending someone a private message on Facebook at 6am. She said I'd woken her up.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/09/2016 18:32

"In the early days of everyone having mobile phones it was normal and accepted that this was the way - when/why did it change?"

Texts have always made a noise.

" it's prioritising the 9-5ers."

No, it prioritises the normal definition of social and anti-social hours. I'm sorry some people have to work nights, but they know the deal when they take the job. They can't ask people in their street to be quiet during the day, but they can expect it at night. Same with texting.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/09/2016 18:36

"I'm really surprised that so few people on this thread seem to text internationally?"

This is completely irrelevant to the OP.
You must think I'm strange for not having any friends in time zones more than an hour away from ours, but that's not the point anyway.

Floey · 30/09/2016 19:01

My phone never leaves the ground floor of the house so not an issue

Charleymouse · 30/09/2016 19:45

Bibbity YANBU!

I treat text the same as phone calls. You do not text in anti social hours unless someone has given you permission.

Having elderly relatives/young children/disabled family members means I do not have DND activated.

If there was an emergency it would be unlikely to be my relative themselves calling. It would more than likely be a friend/neighbour or emergency services.

I think it is very disrespectful and arrogant of people to think what they have to say is so important it can not wait until a more civilised hour.

If you have permission fine. If not jog on.

GDarling · 30/09/2016 19:59

Actually I don't/can't put my phone on silent, just in case my teenage daughter needs to get in touch with me, so everyone I know, knows not to send texts until after 7am, why wouldn't someone wait? What's the urgency? I would never ring or text at an ungodly hour, very selfish!

frumpet · 30/09/2016 20:00

I wonder how many people on this thread also check their phones for texts etc when driving ?

Mummyamy123 · 30/09/2016 20:08

I work nights and often text while eating my meal at 2am......but because I genuinely forget the recipient will be tucked up in bed 😯

cheval · 30/09/2016 20:20

I think it is totally unreasonable. But I'm an old bird who quite likes the old days when instant access wasn't the norm. Just a landline in the hall on a wire, no answer phone.

EBearhug · 30/09/2016 20:52

If you have a non-smart handset, it's worth checking if you can set text settings separately from call settings. You might be able to set them to silent and keep calls aloud. I had an old phone you could do that on, more than one.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 30/09/2016 21:18

I think the answer to that is lol! But seriously you can set your phone to night time mode (well can on an iPhone) and after a certain time msgs are silently received)

HardcoreLadyType · 30/09/2016 21:24

Get a cheap alarm clock.

Get a cordless phone, and carry the receiver upstairs with you at night. (Make sure DC know to use this as an emergency number at night, if necessary.)

Leave mobile downstairs.

Job done.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/09/2016 21:32

"Get a cheap alarm clock.

Get a cordless phone, and carry the receiver upstairs with you at night. (Make sure DC know to use this as an emergency number at night, if necessary.)"

Why the hell should OP do all that? She should tell her friend not to text during anti-social hours. That's all.

MeandT · 30/09/2016 21:53

Um, why not just have your phone so it doesn't make a noise when you get a text? Nothing it so absurdly urgent at any time of day that ou have to have it binging to know there's one there? Surely if it's that urgent someone would call?

Daydream007 · 30/09/2016 21:57

Put your phone to silent. Your friend probably thought you'd be awake at 5am due to your insomnia and thought it would be fine.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2016 22:17

I wonder how many people on this thread also check their phones for texts etc when driving ?

That correlation puzzles me

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2016 22:22

5.30 I got an unnecessary text the other day. I was fucking fuming. The phone lights up which wakes me up and why should I put it on silent when someone may need me desperately (elderly very unwell mil) My phone is on charge overnight and is my alarm, so right by my bed.

I'm astonished that people say it's ok to text at any time. I think that's ridiculously inconsiderate.

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2016 22:23

And get a cordless phone? Jack off, why should I buy a new phone when I don't use a landline? Ridiculous.

dangerrabbit · 30/09/2016 22:26

This is an interesting thread and I have a lot to say about this subject.

I have insomnia and enjoy whatsapping in the middle of the night. I only text people who live in different time zones or who have shown themselves to be receptive to night texting by contacting me at unreasonable hours first. Equally if people used to text me a lot at night but now stop I stop texting them in the night as I assume they no longer want to receive texts at this time. People I text at night include close friends, my sister and one colleague who I enjoy bitching with. For me texting at this time portrays a certain level of intimacy. I don't expect the people I text to reply immediately nor do they expect an immediate reply from me. I have my phone on silent at night (and as far as I'm concerned since my dad died anyone who's having an emergency can call 999 not me). Practically speaking, DP has phone on sound all night anyway, so people would be able to contact us. DP is the opposite of me and does not like receiving night texts. I attribute our opposite approach to phone usage to the slight age difference, it causes a little conflict in our relationship, specifically at night (she thinks it should be used to make phone calls and has the sound on at all times, I use mine like a giant pager for text only communication and internet browsing, the only people I call are DP and my mum. She wants me to put my phone away after 11pm, I want her to stop making phone calls after 8pm and text them instead as I consider it to be rude to call people in the evening and want attention myself 👸. For me I don't like phone calls, I find them an intrusion, and I never answer my phone so people rarely call me. DP always answers her phone and hates texting so receives many calls, she calls close friends at any time up to 11pm which I consider rude, she considers my habit of texting in the middle of the night to be ruder. She's 40 and I'm 35).

People I don't text at night include friends I'm less close to, and any other colleagues whose personal numbers I have, irrespective of whether they text me at night or not, this is because I want to create distance. I have one colleague who has often whatsapped me at silly times like 5am but I always wait until at least 7am to reply. It doesn't bother me enough to actually talk about with with her because my phone is on silent, but equally I don't want to appear like I'm on call to her because she's actually demanding enough at work. My work phone goes off when I'm out of the office and the only colleagues whose personal numbers I have are peers, not boss or juniors.

I don't really give out my number much, so I'd text most people who have my personal number between 7am and 10pm, except my mum who is not a morning person and doesn't want to receive texts between 2am and 10am. There's a few people like my brother I may text until midnight, but I know he doesn't like to receive texts in the middle of the night.

Tl;dr: basically I think that anyone you know well enough to give your personal number to should be someone whose habits you know well enough to know whether it is appropriate to text them at night or not. Generally I find older people prefer not to text.

NicknameUsed · 30/09/2016 22:32

"The phone lights up which wakes me up"

Why don't you turn it over then?

People can be contactable 24/7 these days. I feel that if anyone doesn't want to be contacted the onus is on them to do something about it - switch phone off/turn sound off on selected settings/leave phone downstairs etc.

It is unrealistic to expect everyone on your contact list to know when it is convenient for them to contact you. Perhaps someone should develop an app with "opening hours" so that individuals can customise when they can be contacted by whichever medium they choose.