To think this should be investigated

[user1475004790]

A visiting DC 2yo has told adults who she sees often that mum's partner of 6 months has hit and made her cry and that her mum was also hit and ended up crying in the bathroom.

It's not the only time something has been mentioned by DC and the mum has been known to arrive in an emotional state due to problems with this bloke.

One of the adults [experienced parent, unlike me] receiving the info says they don't believe there is serious abuse as the child appears well adjusted and happy. Also that DC make stuff up [even I know that's true].

Sorry a bit vague and low on details. I am pretty sure they don't want to be identified plus I am being told this third hand. My feeling is that at the very least further investigation is needed if a child tells you that.

Any advice will be passed on to the non-MNers involved.

AIBU to think this should not be ignored and WWYD?

There was more than one local authority involved. The main watchword seemed to be deny everything, tell lies, manipulate, stick nose into all sorts. None of all that helped the child I am talking about. I agree that the situation could not and should not have been allowed to continue but SS was not the answer. Despite years of involvement with this child there are snippets of info getting through. The child is disturbed and can be violent. This is not what we all want for our children. What could have done differently? I really don't know. We would assume that the younger the child is removed from a bad situation the better. The child was young but whether it is nature or nurture that has caused this violence. I do not know. What I do know is that the mums in those situations need to get away and stay away without further contact. They do not always do that. There next choices are none too smart either. How do we stop that? I do not know.
What I do know is that SS have made a right mess of this situation and of others where I do know the true facts but cant say here.
It is not that I want children to continue in bad homes or lives. What I am saying is that I do not think SS are the best people to assist with any family difficulty. I really wish I could tell you the level of their stupidity in one of their sentences. One sentence alone shows what their level is. It is not good. I want an organisation who are smarter than SS to take over the care and safety of children the disabled the vulnerable and the elderly.

Unfortunately, SS are all we have. Until your mythical super-agency appears, Bouquets, anyone with concerns about a child should contact SS, and let them do the investigations. That is unless the child is at imminent risk, when the police should be called.
Child safety trumps your anecdotes.

So what should people do Bouquets ?

I presume you would advocate them just keeping quiet despite evidence of abuse?

I don't know how many different ways I can say this...

Do nothing is not suitable alternative advice just because you've had a bad experience.

Other people are posting about their positive experience of social services. I tend to be in agreement with you that there is a long way to go with social services, but by god they have come a long way.

I do have many success stories that are not my stories to tell.

If you're living in a burning house and 100 taxis show up... 99 of them will take you to peaceful, safe, new home - but 1 might take you to a different burning house... would you get in a taxi?

I don't know what can happen or what will happen. I would hope that one day there will be a "super agency" who can deal with problems effectively. Right now we have the choice of alerting a trouble making group or doing nothing. I do not find either acceptable.
If my house was on fire I would call the fire service. A taxi would not be appropriate. However to answer your analogy the ratio for me would be 75 taxis would take me to another burning house, 20 taxis would drop me in a river, 3 would deliver me to a supermarket and 2 I would still hope to meet because in SS I have seen nothing worthy at all.
It is scary as they are supposed to help people with problems of varying descriptions but so far I have not had a good example in my real life.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility! You need to report this no matter what!
You have to look at the information as a piece of a jigsaw.
You may doubt your little piece of information but if you give it to the authorities they may have other little jigsaw pieces of information and then they can start to put it all together to create a picture.
Someone else may have reported this man for something that doesn't seem significant on its own or he may have criminal record etc. These things alone don't seem huge but when you start putting them all together.
Ss will not just come and take child away and they will also not give any details of who reported away, especially if family stresses the importance of maintaining relationships.
It would probably be easier to report if little one goes to nursery or something because (even though dishonest) the family could just convince mum they reported.
I would tell family to talk to mum but do not tell her what child has said and see if they can get through to her in any way.
Then call first contact or children's hub I think it may be called now and get some advice. They also have an early intervention team now too which is basically the step before ss, although with what has been said and the age of the child I think it's inevitable that ss and possibly the police will become immediately involved.
Everyone else is right though, the child has made a disclosure. The family need to listen to and record everything she says. They can chat to her but not lead her into saying anything or ask questions that may lead her to an answer that's not true etc

You seem to be glossing over the fact that you are advising someone to do nothing with they have received a disclosure. Just because it doesn't suit your experience of life.

I'm just going to say this and get flamed for it. If you can't properly process and take on board other peoples points of view on an anonymous forum, where the needs and safety of a child are being discussed and should be paramount... I wonder how good you are at it in real life whenever you're dealing with situations. Maybe you flagged yourself up as a troublemaker who has no understanding or give-and-take?

I am not glossing over any facts. The OP is being advised to get on to SS and NSPCC. What I am doing is pointing out that such an action can go horrifically wrong. I have had things said to me and I wish I had some where to take that information but it has to be safe for the child and the reporter. I am saying that this is not always the case.
I was of the opinion that it was best to investigate any suspicious events rather than ignore. That was until it all went so terribly bad. Not so much for me more for the child.
Maybe they do think I am a troublemaker who has been proved right so many times, and who mentions their silly statements back at them but it is not about me. It is about the safety of children. I am not a child but with time I could be an old person one day. I have made the decision that I will make other arrangements rather than deal with people who do not see that help is required immediately and not 6 months plus later.
The safety of the child is paramount totally agreed. The safety of the OP/ reporting adult is also important if the man is violent. The mother of the child has to be safeguarded too. It is not simply a case of phone someone and all is well. It does not always work that way.
You don't seem to realise that I am only of this opinion because of my experiences of SS in a child protection situation (and others). I don't speak lightly of the horrible things that have happened.
The ultimate culprit is the violent and abusive man in each and every case.

So, again, in the absence of this miraculous agency, what should people do if a child is being abused? Just ignore it?

No, not ignore it. Deal with it with a different way. Or if you want SS in on it state clearly what you want to happen and ask can they do this. Watch carefully for upcoming problems or preferences coming to light. Try to get the mother to leave the abusive man offer help with housing and money etc getting rid of the first problem is better than hoping that making a report and hoping it does not go right off the rails. It is not easy but it is better not to make life any more difficult for the child. After all the main concern is the child.

AnythingMcAnythingface

Strikethrough: --OP it's hard but you only have 2 choices
1- do the right thing and report the disclosure
2 - do nothing and have potentially allowed possibile child abuse-- .....

You have posted similar over and over. Please stop.
Sorry but IMO it's utter bollocks as well as very manipulative and unhelpful.
Perhaps if you haven't got anything positive to contribute, you could find another thread?

To explain why it's bollocks ..... there are many more possible outcomes.

The child only has a few adults regularly in her life. Option # 3 is that I report and SS find nothing to action yet. But [barely post-teen] mum who is also being abused according to what the DC said may well decide [be manipulated by Abusive BF ] to cut the only other adults left out of their life because of the report. That leaves mum and child with ABF and no other aduts around. Not good!! All sorts of terribleness can then ensue. Who's responsible for what happens in that case?

I suppose you would say SS but how much monitoring will they have budget for after they found nothing to action the first time?
With no report, the adults who would still be in mum and DC life will have much closer and much more frequent contact and be likely to have the chance to be there when needed.

Making a report is not always an improvement on doing nothing so it's not as simple as you are claiming.

Actually I don't care about blame [or whether I end up feeling guilty], I care that the child has the best chance.

The best solution would be getting rid of the ABF. That requires that mum is persuaded to see it as it is. Of course there is also some concern for her in this.

Thanks to those posting positive suggestions and guidance.

I am talking to the adults who DC spoke to and encouraging them to take it further. They were already planning to talk to mum and the guidance how to do that is helpful.

I / We do not agree that it's as simple as some are making out. In part we know much more of the situation and individuals of course and am reluctant to be outing here.

At the end of the day it's complex and there are a myriad of actions and outcomes. If a choice is made to not report yet, it will be done after careful consideration.

Given that abused women don't just up and leave their abusive partners at the first sign of trouble it's not likely to happen though. And some well meaning amateur could easily make things worse for the child.

And if you had no intention of reporting the situation, why bother posting? Were you hoping that everyone would post how you were doing the right thing?

Meddling amateurs can make an unpredictable problem worse. Child Protection professionals should be dealing with this.

The OP may have been hoping for someone to come up with an acceptable alternative approach. I have with caution related how bad meddling so called professionals made a right mess of a situation and to make matters worse cant admit it at any point. I had the opportunity to deal with the situation differently but I was so determined to "do the right thing" with disastrous consequences for so many people when the professionals got involved after being told for a very long time. To my dying day I will always regret that I did not deal with the situation effectively and not the so called "right way"

I had the opportunity to deal with the situation differently but I was so determined to "do the right thing"

Please elaborate on this

I'm sure nothing will go wrong with the OP's and your approach - it's not like a child is potentially in a dangerous situation so crack on and deal with it however you think best.

OP - I just hope that your actions don't result in the situation escalating.

May I ask other contributors are my post manipulative?

It wasn't my intention and I'd like it highlighted by more than the op as I don't think I can value much of their opinion at the moment. I would not wish to be manipulative.

Anything - not a chance I would tell you what went on. I told SS the people you are blowing the trumpet for and here we are today because I thought that was the right thing to do.. Clearly it was not as the whole thing is a total mess. People were battered by the violent partner, people got ill through the strain. SS did not make this world a better place by their intervention which was rather late despite reports from various people.

Actually no they aren't

Most people are trying to tell OP to take this seriously and get professional help.

One dissenting voice seems to think that SS makes things worse so OP should just blunder in and potentially cause the child more problems.

Not sure why you specifically are being singled out

Bouquets So you would be happy to risk a child's life by dealing with things yourself?

Wow.

Really don't know what the OP wants from this.
Anything, not that I can see.

So to sum up, OP, tell the mother to LTB, which of course she will, and he will disappear never to be seen again and the child will forget everything and everyone will live happily ever after.

The child's life was put at risk by SS not me.