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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this should be investigated

97 replies

user1475004790 · 27/09/2016 21:04

A visiting DC 2yo has told adults who she sees often that mum's partner of 6 months has hit and made her cry and that her mum was also hit and ended up crying in the bathroom.

It's not the only time something has been mentioned by DC and the mum has been known to arrive in an emotional state due to problems with this bloke.

One of the adults [experienced parent, unlike me] receiving the info says they don't believe there is serious abuse as the child appears well adjusted and happy. Also that DC make stuff up [even I know that's true].

Sorry a bit vague and low on details. I am pretty sure they don't want to be identified plus I am being told this third hand. My feeling is that at the very least further investigation is needed if a child tells you that.

Any advice will be passed on to the non-MNers involved.

AIBU to think this should not be ignored and WWYD?

OP posts:
miserablesod · 28/09/2016 03:32

A child that makes a disclosure does so because they trust the adult to take action and keep them safe. By not acting onthe information the child loses their trust in the adult and does not make another disclosure, whats the point, as far as the child understands adults can't be trusted/don't care.

It needs reporting. Ss will decide whether it needs further investigation!

Duckafuck · 28/09/2016 03:37

It's SS job to decide what's actually going on, all adults have a duty to report, step back and allow SS to investigate. Report it anonymously if you have to but you must report it. Think of baby P, Victoria Climbie, Daniel spells. These children had no one to be their voice.

Duckafuck · 28/09/2016 03:37

Pelka not spells

Duckafuck · 28/09/2016 03:58

I can't fucking believe what I'm reading here! Will no one just believe this little child and bloody report it! He's crying out for help because he's being hurt and no one has the fucking guts to stand up and protect him. Please just do it! If there are no concerns SS will mark it nfa and that will be the end of it.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 07:37

Everyone involved would like to do what's best [for the 2yo] having considered what the options are rather than jump in and make it worse.

That's not how it works. You don't go on MN for a little discussion about this stuff. It's not an interesting discussion to be considered.

It's a disclosure. This little 2yo has made a disclosure. SS may do nothing but make a record of it on this occasion. Or it may corroborate other information the currently hold. It doesn't matter it's not your business. Your only duty is to stop trying to control things, and report what you know.

There are great parenting classes, support networks, anger management courses, assertiveness training. SS want to help people who want to be helped. Kids are removed as a last resort.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 08:10

OP this man has only been in their lives for 6 months. HE might be known to SS, or the police...

Please, please report this. A child is potentially at risk. Please protect this 2yo and their Mum.

RedHelenB · 28/09/2016 08:22

Are you sure you cant persuade the person the child did tell to report it? Do you know the child and their mother?

pointythings · 28/09/2016 08:47

You want to know what to expect if you report? I reported 10 days ago after one of DD's friends disclosed abuse at home. I went to the NSPCC in the first instance and they referred to SS. At that point the ball was rolling. I had the child in my house for 6 days, daily contact with SS by phone. They were great but I did have to chase for updates because I needed parents' consent for the child to stay with us. They ended up swooping in and the family are now getting support. It was horrendously stressful. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. In your case the child is 2. You really do need to call the NSPCC at the very minimum.

dowhatnow · 28/09/2016 08:54

If the two year old had made the disclosure to me, I would first talk to the mum and ask what's going on. I'd make it clear that I'd have to report it but I'd give the mum a chance to discuss it from her perspective. It may give her a kick up the bum to leave him, it might be a relief for her to get it out it the open or failing that I'd say "I really hope you understand why I'm doing this but I can't ignore a 2 year old saying that" and report.

If she does leave him then try to persuade her to report it anyway for the sake of future kids in his life.

dowhatnow · 28/09/2016 08:56

Sorry, this is what I'd advise your friend to do and say to her family member.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 09:08

I'd make it clear that I'd have to report it but I'd give the mum a chance to discuss it from her perspective.

Get professional advice on this first. If mum is already under control of this man she may tell him out of fear and then they have time to get a fake story straight.

user1475019164 · 28/09/2016 09:11

LiviaDrusillaAugusta ((hugs))) i hear ya. i was that child too and it stinks

TheBouquets · 28/09/2016 18:36

I don't think the majority of people on here are aware of just how much damage making a report to SS can be to all concerned. They are a very strange bunch of folk. They jump when there is nothing and do nothing when there is something. They put so many at risk of being the next baby P because of the messes they make. They cant admit a mistake, probably in case they get sued. However the constant denials are the very things that make people all the more convince that SS are doing wrong.
I cant tell here the details of some of the stupidity I have heard from them, not even when facing the situation in front of me. I am currently hunting for a child taken away by SS, not my child but a relative, I was never a person who did anything bad to him but I don't get any information. As a result of these situations I would not tell SS anything until they sort themselves out.

yorkshapudding · 28/09/2016 19:06

If the two year old had made the disclosure to me, I would first talk to the mum and ask what's going on. I'd make it clear that I'd have to report it but I'd give the mum a chance to discuss it from her perspective

Don't do this. Under any circumstances. Women who are living with domestic violence often minimise the impact on their children due to having been manipulated and controlled by their abuser. She may well feel the need to share with her DP that the child has disclosed something, which could put them both at greater risk.

I have worked with the victims of childhood abuse and domestic violence my whole adult life. I liaise with the Police and Social Services on a daily basis.

This needs to be reported to children's services. To ignore a direct disclosure from a child (any child) is pure negligence and there is no excuse for doing so. It may be an uncomfortable situation for a friend or family member to be placed in but, to be frank, the discomfort of an adult pales into insignificance when there is a child potentially witnessing and/or being subjected to violence.

The NSPCC can be contacted for advice but I can assure you that their advice will be to report the matter to SS, although they are great at providing moral support and encouragement to those concerned about doing so which means it is always worth a call. This can be done anonymously, as can the call to SS.

MistressMolecules · 28/09/2016 19:10

Bouquets My mother reported me to SS and I was visited and my my home looked at etc. It was a malicious call (not going into details as I have told friends and professionals about what she did and fear it would be outing) but I can assure you - I would much rather they paid a visit to people like me when it turns out to be nothing than ignore it (because it is malicious, it came from the mouth of a babe whatever excuse you want to shove in there) and it turns out to be something Sad They don't take children away for no reason - I think people who turn a blind eye for their own sake and refuse to report are no better than the perpetrators of the abuse.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 19:24

MistressMolecules thank you for sharing that post.
It is beyond irresponsible to suggest that due to one persons less than perfect exchange with SS nobody should use them! I can't believe the fear there is here... SS are there to PROTECT children.

OP it's hard but you only have 2 choices
1- do the right thing and report the disclosure
2 - do nothing and have potentially allowed possibile child abuse and domestic violence to continue when you had a chance to stop it.

Ignorance is bliss, but you can't claim ignorance.

RockinHippy · 28/09/2016 19:31

Speaking from experience, 2 year olds can & do lie about this sort of thing though. My own DD was partial to a story or 2 & could be very convincing. I still remember the day she told me that...
"Daddy doesn't really go to work, he only pretends to & he goes to see other ladies & he kisses them all over instead"Confused we still have no idea where she got even the idea from She later owned up to telling me that as she thought I would go mad with DH & make him stay home instead of going to work, so she could spend more time with him

Friends DD told DM that "Daddy had just punched friends DS on the nose, thats why he's crying" followed up by, "but DS will lie to you about it as he's frightened Daddy will punch him again" - we were in the same room, the boy was crying because he tripped over the rug & fell, "Daddy" wasn't even in the same room.

Then there was the face painting gig I did at a friends nursery & the cute little cherub who asked me if I knew "where my mummy is" I chatted with her saying "oh is she at work maybe, or at home getting ready to come & get you, only to be told very firmly "NO!! My mummy will be drunk again, shes always drunk you know, she drinks too much wine ALL of the time & falls asleep in a big puddle of weewee" when I said Mummy was probably working hard, I got "NO!! daddy works hard, mummy just gets drunk all of the time" Shock - "Mummy" turned out to be a very hardworking, teetotal single parent

In short, its a difficult one, maybe keep an eye on things, ask around, look out for other signs of trouble, but don't presume a DC that age doesn't lie, nor understands enough to elaborate on the lie IME - they definitely DO!

Natsku · 28/09/2016 19:33

Please report OP its far far better for an innocent family to be investigated than a child continue to be abused, and I say that as someone who had been through a CPS investigation - I'd go through that a hundred times more if it would protect a child.

TheBouquets · 28/09/2016 20:17

Mistress Molecules I would also have said it was better for anyone to be investigated whether there was a problem or not. Since I have seen the mess SS made of a difficult situation, which really was horrendous, and how they ignored it until it got to nearly the worst possible situation then they decide they don't like to be told things by ordinary citizens and turn on the innocent people and side with those who were in some way involved in causing harm to more than one person. Again I don't want to be specific in case of outing myself or others.
I really and truly would not trust SS to do anything at all. If a child needs protecting it has to be done another way. If it came from people like the schools or various staff at GP or hospital perhaps then SS would accept the first telling and not leave it to escalate.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 20:29

TheBouquets surely you can see that it is responsible to say that based on your solo experience any option is better than contacting social services?

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 20:29

Irresponsible*

TheBouquets · 28/09/2016 20:37

It was not one single experience. That being the issue. One mistake - it happens, hope not too much damage any more mistakes is sheer stupidity. I could not even tell you how many times these people were wrong or how much stirring they did with the various sides.
You have just assumed it was only one single experience. Given the situation discovered lately, they have ruined a child and how much good does that do?

AnythingMcAnythingface · 28/09/2016 20:45

I am really sorry for your situation, but presumably this is in one area of the UK... what percentage of social services do you think that you have come into contact with over this?

Your own personal experience would be interesting and valid as a stand alone thread but in terms of advising someone on what to do when they have received words from a Childs mouth saying they have been abused and witnessed abuse I really do find it very irresponsible. I truly don't think you're being malicious, but what you are saying is not helping this little child. You're projecting your own experience to the whole of the social services. I get that what's happened to you sounds terrible and I share your anger at their failings, but it does not mean the potential victims referred to in OP will have the same experience.

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