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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Mother in law!

91 replies

Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:09

My little girl has been stopping at the MIL's one night a week for a few months now, but it's already getting the point that I want to put an end to it!

Shes constantly telling me that my daughter is doing everything first when she's at her house (apparently, my daughter saves all her "firsts" for this one particular night)

On my birthday we all went out for a meal and I said that my daughter was getting really close to rolling over, to which my MIL smiled and said "oh I wasn't going to tell you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but she did that last week at my house". If she didn't want to say it for fear of hurting my feelings, then why bloody say it!!

It's gotten to the point where whenever she comes to pick her up, we tell her excitedly what her granddaughters been up to, and it's always the same "she's been doing that for a few weeks at our house." or "she already did that last week" Every. Single. Time.

Apparently my baby always sleeps better at her house, plays more and eats more (Although when she's sent over how much milk she's having, it's actually less)

I may be being oversensitive. I don't know. Its just really starting to wind me up! I don't see why she seems to think this is a competition, it's not! Shes been a mother to her babies and now it's my turn, I don't see why she's trying to take these "firsts" away from me!

OP posts:

seven201 · 26/09/2016 03:01

She's too busy to look after her son but can look after her grandchild instead?! She is definitely lying or at least exaggerating massively. There's no way all these first are happening at hers! But... Stop these weekly sleep over as you don't want them! Just say no. Your dh doesn't get to decide for you!

SeaEagleFeather · 26/09/2016 07:23

I'm thinking that telling her I don't want to miss any more "firsts" so no more sleepovers for a while might do the trick!

Brilliant. It's brilliant.

Do this.

Agreed with everyone else: you're the only one who can stand up to her, and you need to. She's being very silly but also unpleasant and agreed she might try to be your daughter's 'mummy' in your place.

I understand your DH's fear of upsetting her since she's his close family but you are quite reasonably unhappy here. You do need to stand strong on this.

Tanith · 26/09/2016 07:41

I don't even know the woman and I'm positive she's lying to you.
What else would she lie about, I wonder? I can imagine that any problems or accidents would be lied about to preserve that idyllic Grandma-is-best illusion.

I agree you have the perfect reason to stop these sleepovers by saying you don't want to miss any more firsts: that out-manoeuvres her very nicely!

Remember, you didn't start any of this, she did. She's being spiteful and cruel. It needs nipping in the bud now before it escalates.

Your DH does need telling clearly and calmly how this makes you feel and he needs to understand that his wife and child are his family and come first. I would point out to him who it is that's caring for him right now.

God, why do some women do this to their DDs and DILs?

JayoftheRed · 26/09/2016 08:31

Is your MIL my MIL?

Mine didn't lie about firsts (mainly I think because she didn't have DS1 alone until he was 10 months, so by then he'd done most things, like rolling over, sitting up etc) but she lies constantly about him.

DS1 has suspected ASD (going through referrals atm) and while he is generally quite a happy chap, he does struggle with emotions and new situations and frequently goes into meltdown. MIL claims he never does around her, but I know for a fact that he does. A friend once saw them at a children's group really struggling to contain him, but when I asked them how it went they told me it was lovely and he loved it. Another time I was walking up to their house and could hear him screaming (that's how loud he is) but when I knocked on the door it had stopped and again she role me he'd been fine, no problems.

She also boasts about the things he.does with her, but I always act disinterested and say thing like "oh yeah, he's been doing that for ages" or "I know,it's cute isn't it, you should have seen it the first time" even if he's never done it before. Took me a long time to get to the nodding and smiling stage though. I'm also pretty low contact, I never go round for coffee or lunch, I let my husband deal with her. He is scared stiff of her and moans blind about her but refuses to do anything about it, so I figure if he won't tell her to fuck off then he has to be the one to deal with the crap.

But I have never allowed overnights. MIL keeps asking to have DS2 who is 3 months, but he's ebf, so she can't, but even if he wasn't, I don't need or want her to have him so I don't see why I should.

Good luck with it all. I your husband is so worried about upsetting her, I would suggest he deals with her and you take your DD and get on with your life.

witsender · 26/09/2016 08:38

No more sleepovers for MIL.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 26/09/2016 08:45

If you've read any of my threads on here you'll know that my mil is desperate for DD to sleepover and there's no way it's happening. Take back control-say exactly what PP's have said about not wanting to miss firsts. If you don't you'll regret it when she starts on first words and steps.

MorrisZapp · 26/09/2016 08:56

Ok going against the grain here. Grandparents in general do have a habit of making comments which unwittingly grate, but it's almost always coming from a place of love, ie a strong interest in their grandchildren.

It also comes more when they're caring more, ie doing you a favour and building a bond.

Is smiling and nodding really so hard? I'm baffled on a daily basis by what people expect from the in law relationship. My mil is lovely and kind but I have nothing in common with her, she reads the right wing press and thinks boys should wear blue etc etc. So what, I don't live with her. I have my own friends and family.

If her words really upset you then yes, see less of her. But I must admit I think many reactions on this thread are way over the top.

Only1scoop · 26/09/2016 09:06

I'm also a smiler and nodder in these type of situations.
I suspect your problem here is the habit you've got into very early of your mil having her. You must have trusted her immensely to take care of your colicky little baby overnight. She must have some kind qualities.
You need to speak with your DH and sort this overnight routine if it's upsetting you so much.

wizzywig · 26/09/2016 09:30

God thats annoying op. But i just thought, i have a child with asd, and perhaps she didnt get to experience the 'firsts' when your husband was a child. Maybe thats why she is going overboard.

Rrross1ges · 26/09/2016 09:38

Ah see she's one of those MILs. Those who think you've stolen her precious son. Having a baby with him has totally changed his priorities and his focus has shifted away from her. She's using your child to keep in there. She's trying to maintain her importance. I'd be firm but kind. Don't burn bridges because she might improve.

I had a tricky relationship with my MIL for years because my husband is the golden child(one of three) and I don't think anyone would have been good enough for him. Things changed for her when I gave her two grandchildren and for me when she calmy asked to step in and defuse a hideous toddler tantrum. And it worked and she was amazing. It's only taken 20 years!

Crazycatladyloz82 · 26/09/2016 09:43

You have to say no and keep repeating no until your boundaries are respected. No he can't come for anymore more sleepovers, no I am not going to change my mind, no you cannot dictate your wants over mine. Keep saying no. They learn in the end it is YOUR child and they need to establish a different relationship with them not a parent/child relationship.

HardcoreLadyType · 26/09/2016 10:06

I wonder if your DH has been brought up to believe, "we don't say no to mummy".

Mine certainly was.

I remember once, we had been summonsed to attend a family dinner (not an important occasion) over an hour's drive away. We had just moved in to our house that day, so it really was the last thing we wanted to be doing.

DH (he was DP, then) was quite gobsmacked when I politely declined. It didn't occur to him that doing something against his mother's wishes was something one should do, so lightly.

He has got better at it now.

Maybe your DH needs to see you modelling that behaviour. Polite, but firm.

ollieplimsoles · 26/09/2016 10:13

God for once on a mil thread I don't have a horror story to contribute!

I kept her away from dd from the beginning.

Yorkieheaven · 26/09/2016 10:21

Oh dear silly moo.

I have my grandchild to stay he's 7 months and wouldn't dream of noticing or reporting any firsts.

I have refrained from mentioning once that he woke up 4/5 times in the night but felt that was to stop dil worrying or feeling somehow guilty. Will think about your remark about 'sleeping better at grans though' op that's a good point.

I agree with the remark 'you are missing you many firsts' that might stop it.

DinosaursRoar · 26/09/2016 10:50

Agree, tell her you don't want to miss any more firsts and say you know she's very busy at the moment so don't want to waste her time as you do'nt want to be separated from DD. If she says she's not busy, ask her to have DH instead. If she says no, then she's clearly not trying to help you.

Just tell your DH that you don't want to be parted from DD but if he wants to give you a break, he could go to his mums.

And yes, she's clearly lying about the rolling over if your DD didn't do it again for over a week.

DoristheNovice · 26/09/2016 11:07

This would rile me too but I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not something to fall out over. My mil is also an 'I can do it better than everyone else type' but after 9 years, I've learnt to let it go over my head.

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